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Author Topic: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)  (Read 17527 times)

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MrsJWine

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #30 on: June 06, 2011, 03:48:37 PM »
Well, I'd be averting my eyes because I wouldn't feel worthy of your presence.  :)

But seriously, an altercation like that has everyone uncomfortable for a while afterward.  I don't think that means people were upset with you.


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Utah

Larrabee

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #31 on: June 06, 2011, 03:51:43 PM »
How many people use this pool?  Is there any possibility of hiring a lifeguard during the pool season?  They can be an unbiased 'pool police' and yell at kids with no possibility for relationship fallout or uncomfortable encounters in the community.

They also know exactly what to do if something does go horribly wrong of course, which is useful!



wyozozo

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #32 on: June 06, 2011, 03:52:57 PM »
If I had seen it I would have reacted the same way. Up to and including the mention of the phone. I'm in the camp of "I'm not going to sugar coat things just to make you feel better." Not in a situation like this.



NutMeg

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #33 on: June 06, 2011, 03:57:39 PM »
Rosey and Rashea... You are probably correct.  I have to say I was already irritated with the Mother because every time Kelly was misbehaving, I would glance around (to see if a parent would intervene) and no one did.  It wasn't until our confrontation that I realized the woman at the back of the shade structure on the phone was Kelly's mother.  (I had my suspicions!) 

But I should not have said it  :-[  Can we blame it on the heat of the moment?


Absolutely! I completely agree with everything else you said, and I'm quite sure I would have been thinking the same things about the cell phone. I only meant to say that the most effective, e-hell approved comments would likely not have included anything about the cell phone. That doesn't change the fact that your intervention and subsequent response were otherwise spot on.

Agreed. I think that you did very well considering that you had no time to think about it before hand. However I think you can do better next time, because you have been able to think about it now. Those two points are not incompatible. We can say great job, and also here are some tips, and mean both. :)
"You're hostages! This is a life-and-death situation here. Start acting like it! We're your captors. We're armed. There's rules. There's a whole school of etiquette to this!" - Dr. Daniel Jackson                

high dudgeon

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2011, 03:58:49 PM »
I'd probably be writing a letter to the HOA describing the incident and requesting the BOD to do whatever it is they do to members who are a nuisance to other members.  A warning, a fine, whatever it is.  Maybe a ban.  Something to let that mother know her and her child's behavior was unacceptable.

Pod to this. And asking if the parents of the almost drowned girl, and anyone else hassled by this pair would consider doing likewise.

Many people are uncomfortable with conflict, and that could be enough to make them shy for a minute. Or it's possible that seeing BullyMom essentially embarrassing herself in public, instead of apologizing to all of you and removing her child made people withdraw from her. Of they might be cowards and be afraid of being accosted by BullyMom later if they publicly supported you right then. It doesn't matter. You did what had to be done, and you didn't overstep the line. BullyMom did so by not reining in her child herself before there was a serious problem. If she wants a nice relaxing chat poolside, then she should leave her child at home, or bring a babysitter with her, or hire her own lifeguard.

magiccat26

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #35 on: June 06, 2011, 04:01:46 PM »
We have around 250-300 houses in the community.  Usually there are between 25 and 50 people in the pool at a time.  We have a security guard (due to outsiders tailgating reseidents into the pool) who checks your ID when you enter; however the HOA made it clear that he is NOT a lifeguard and is only there to monitors who uses the pool and protect the property.  My understanding from a recent letter is that the cost of a lifeguard 12 hours per day 7 days per week during the pool season is outside our budget.  Our HOA fees would go up substantially and it would be an added liability (because it is no longer swim at your own risk).  I'm actually happy to monitor my own child and just wish everyone else would too.
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Corvid

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #36 on: June 06, 2011, 04:14:17 PM »
I find it absolutely, laugh out loud hilarious when people cry "inappropriate" when someone bluntly calls them out on their bull...manure, I really do.  It's a matter of common sense, isn't it?  There may be times when you might reasonably expect a little diplomacy, but right after you've let your daughter behave like demon spawn and then snapped at the woman who stopped her from drowning another child while throwing a tantrum...not so much.

My mother would have been horrified if someone pointed out me behaving like Kelly did and she would have gone Mama Bear all right - this little cub would have gotten a big swat from her paw and been sent back to the den.

You weren't inappropriate.  You plainly stated facts that needed stating.  Mama Bear needed a little wake-up call.

shhh its me

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2011, 04:49:00 PM »
To answer a few questions:

Pool rules are posted on a huge sign at the pool and sent to each resident via snail mail at the beginning of the pool season.  It is also posted to the HOA website and on the HOA Facebook page.  There is no excuse for not knowing the pool rules.

The other kids parents were all socializing by the pool.  They were paying attention, but not quite as much as I was.  I have the feeling that they saw DH and I had it in hand and were allowing us to play "pool monitor" with the kids.  The parents of the little girl who was attacked were alerted when I started yelling at Kelly...they were just further away.  They started for the kids only seconds after I did.  The Mother of that little girl was busy comforting her daughter while I confronted MamaBear.

I guess I'm feeling like the "mean Mom" because the pool became VERY quiet right after the confrontation.  All the adults seemed to be avoiding my eyes after the incident.  But then again, my friend, who was socializing with the group of parents, told me later that they were all very supportive of my actions.  So, I guess I'm confused and worried that I overstepped somehow.  Even though I KNOW that ultimately what I did was right (rescuing that little girl from the bully).

My condo bacon-fed knave was the same EXCEPT the monitor would enforce the safety rules as well as the propriety and enjoyment rules e.g.  no running , no diving , no cannonballs , no dunking right along with please turn the radio down , no swearing , no splashing(not that the  kids couldn't splash but they were expect to not splash people not actively playing with them) We never thought of her as a lifeguard or felt particularly safer because she was there but the pool was never mayham either KIWM? She would of had the authority to kick Kelly out and repeated offenses could cause a season long banning

PS we paid her $10 an hour and she also put the chairs back and possible emptied ashtrays (it was someone elses job to actually clean the area) she did not wipe down tables but would had you a wipe & cleaner if an area had a spill. It was the same women for 15 years , I believe her mother worked the weekends and that it was her mothers job prior to her taking over.

Peregrine

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2011, 05:08:16 PM »
Maggicat, thank you for standing up for that poor kid!  I think you did the right thing.  The only thing I might have done was if the pool inflatables were causing problems amongst the children would be to take them away and not let anyone play with them.  Not really fair for your kid or the kids who were behaving, but perhaps would have avoided the incident that this escalated into when naughtykid started acting up so severely.  I hope you have your pool toys prominently labeled just so no one can try to walk off with them!

Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2011, 05:11:23 PM »
Maggicat, thank you for standing up for that poor kid!  I think you did the right thing.  The only thing I might have done was if the pool inflatables were causing problems amongst the children would be to take them away and not let anyone play with them.  Not really fair for your kid or the kids who were behaving, but perhaps would have avoided the incident that this escalated into when naughtykid started acting up so severely.  I hope you have your pool toys prominently labeled just so no one can try to walk off with them!

I object strongly to the notion of punishing everybody for one person's actions (I had to endure too much of that in basic training). 

The other kids have no recourse to force the spawn to behave; they are just forced to suffer because she will not.

Pre-empting the problem is not a solution. 
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Summerof81

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2011, 05:15:09 PM »
Honestly, I hope that I could react as well as you did if I was in your situation.  You didn't overreact, you didn't scream, and you only upset the one person who could have prevented it (by watching her own kid).
« Last Edit: June 06, 2011, 05:27:53 PM by Summerof81 »

klm75

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #41 on: June 06, 2011, 05:19:16 PM »
I guess I'm feeling like the "mean Mom" because the pool became VERY quiet right after the confrontation.  All the adults seemed to be avoiding my eyes after the incident.  But then again, my friend, who was socializing with the group of parents, told me later that they were all very supportive of my actions.  So, I guess I'm confused and worried that I overstepped somehow.  Even though I KNOW that ultimately what I did was right (rescuing that little girl from the bully).

I would say that it was parental guilt, not that they feel you did anything wrong.  If I was one of the parents I would have felt that I should have done more.  Since nothing tragic happened it will all blow over and hopefully ALL parents will be more attentive in the future :)

Oxymoroness

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #42 on: June 06, 2011, 06:02:27 PM »
I don't understand why mentioning the cell phone and MamaBear's inattention was at all wrong.  She got angry with Magiccat for "parenting" her child and Magiccat rightly pointed out that she (MC) had to step in since MB wasn't paying attention.  "I'm doing your job because you can't be bothered to do it yourself, and people are now in danger because of that" is a perfectly good response.

As usual, I agree with Art.

Talking on the cell while her child was in the water was totally relevant, and unless she was prepared to dive in fully clothed, so was the unspoken observation about her clothing.

I've spent enough time around kids and water to feel very strongly about safety. I've seen (and dove for) at least 5 kids who sank like rocks. I have no problems being a "mean" counselor, babysitter or mom. If Mom's checking out, I'm checking in because no kid deserves to die because any parent couldn't be bothered to pay attention.

And if they don't like it, they can remove their child from the pool because water safety is one thing I do not compromise on.

magiccat26

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #43 on: June 06, 2011, 06:16:03 PM »
I find it absolutely, laugh out loud hilarious when people cry "inappropriate" when someone bluntly calls them out on their bull...manure, I really do.

When I was talking about it with DH later that night, I had to giggle over her choice of words.  It just seemed "inappropriate" to use the word inappropriate  ;)

The only thing I might have done was if the pool inflatables were causing problems amongst the children would be to take them away and not let anyone play with them.  Not really fair for your kid or the kids who were behaving, but perhaps would have avoided the incident that this escalated into when naughtykid started acting up so severely.  I hope you have your pool toys prominently labeled just so no one can try to walk off with them!

The thought DID cross my mind...but as Blue Falcon stated, I decided that it would be very unfair for the 8 to 10 other kids who were behaving and sharing.

I do have all our toys labeled with our names...I learned that lesson the hard way the first year we lived here.  Pool toys have a strong tendency to become community property!



My condo bacon-fed knave was the same EXCEPT the monitor would enforce the safety rules as well as the propriety and enjoyment rules e.g.  no running , no diving , no cannonballs , no dunking right along with please turn the radio down , no swearing , no splashing(not that the  kids couldn't splash but they were expect to not splash people not actively playing with them) We never thought of her as a lifeguard or felt particularly safer because she was there but the pool was never mayham either KIWM? She would of had the authority to kick Kelly out and repeated offenses could cause a season long banning

PS we paid her $10 an hour and she also put the chairs back and possible emptied ashtrays (it was someone elses job to actually clean the area) she did not wipe down tables but would had you a wipe & cleaner if an area had a spill. It was the same women for 15 years , I believe her mother worked the weekends and that it was her mothers job prior to her taking over.

Our security guard does claim that he will enforce the rules as written on the board...but, let’s just say that he is a character for another story.  We just added the security guard last year when a daycare from another town over brought their kids in to enjoy our pool.  I think we are still searching for the right person.  This year’s candidate has already rubbed many residents the wrong way.

Thanks again everyone!  This whole incident has really been bugging me and I was a little afraid to go back to the pool.  Kitten wants to go again tonight after dinner…so we’ll see how it goes.
“If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.” — Catherine Aird

weeblewobble

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Re: The MamaBear, the Bully and the Community Pool...(LONG!)
« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2011, 06:18:00 PM »
The only thing I would change about your actions (which were great all around, and really I have no problem with) is the part where you engaged in back-and-forth arguing with her. If this happens again, shut her down. Don't let her make the argument about your intervening with her child or her talking on her cell.

Example:

MamaBear: EXCUSE ME! What do you think you're doing talking to my daughter like that! It's inappropriate for you to discipline her when I'm standing right there.

You: OK, I just saw your daughter physically assault the other children, including holding that little girl under the water, while kicking her and screaming at her. You're Kelly's mother, what are going to do about it?

If she wants to parent, let her parent.  >:D