Co-Worker - When you think he likes you back, but just can't be sure! Update p8

[Bibliophile]

You've gone 3 months without asking him out since you first posted about this and now he's talking about moving.  I would advise to let it go an move on.

[Hushabye]

You've gone 3 months without asking him out since you first posted about this and now he's talking about moving.  I would advise to let it go an move on.

I agree.  You had the opportunity to make a move, but you just pretty much sat on it.  I think it would be awkward in the extreme only to make a move now, after he's told you he's looking to get a job somewhere else.

[buvezdevin]

I would have suggested the OP making a move with a better late than never view (doesn't sound like co-worker has yet planned to move, and is considering the possibility), *but*, OP mentioned that with a recent promotion she now has authority over his schedule (possibly other work matters also).  What may be done in pursuing personal relationship possibilities (asking someone for a date) between peers is not always as possible or advisable objectively, or ethically where it involves colleagues one of which has authority over the other.

I'd been rooting for the OP that this would develop from a friendly office relationship and would blossom into romance, but with her recent professional promotion, that changes the balance of what I would suggest she consider initiating.

[Hushabye]

I would have suggested the OP making a move with a better late than never view (doesn't sound like co-worker has yet planned to move, and is considering the possibility), *but*, OP mentioned that with a recent promotion she now has authority over his schedule (possibly other work matters also).  What may be done in pursuing personal relationship possibilities (asking someone for a date) between peers is not always as possible or advisable objectively, or ethically where it involves colleagues one of which has authority over the other.

I'd been rooting for the OP that this would develop from a friendly office relationship and would blossom into romance, but with her recent professional promotion, that changes the balance of what I would suggest she consider initiating.

You know, I missed that, too.  Yeah, for me, that pretty much ethically nixes making a move on the guy at this point.  I know here, subordinate/supervisor relationships are verboten (it's actually causing some problems due to a husband possibly getting moved by management to be the supervisor of the group his wife already works in).

[Samgirl2]

Ok, I tried and I don't think he's interested. Either that or he's just very very slow. Either way, nothings going to happen 

He was at my workplace today and asked me to work in his office again, rather than us having to go to and fro all the time. As of next month when i start my new job we'll be sharing permanently on the 2 days per week he's here.  I came back in after a meeting late morning and he said now the sun was out he was going to take a document we were working on outside to review and was I coming with him? 

Now, 2 weeks ago he had said how much he wishes he could get off site at lunch (citing better food options, change of scene etc) and how lucky old me had a car and could escape etc. 

So, as we're walking towards the elevator he says he didn't bring any food in today and doesn't really want the cafeteria stuff and he'd like to take advantage of the weather. So, given that it was practically lunchtime I suggested, very casually, "hey, well I have my car, how about well known coffee shop chain 10 mins away. We could take the file and work on it there at the same time?"  His reply? "Hmm, well I just had a coffee and I'd really like a cigarette and I won't be able to smoke there. Let's see. It's certainly an idea though".  So I just smiled and said sure, just an idea and we carried on and sat outside and worked through the doc.

After a while of that he says there's a concert he's thinking of going to on saturday night but doesn't have tickets yet. I say it sounds great, he should get tickets and he asks me if I have plans for the weekend. I said 'only for Friday' and instead of asking me to go with him he starts asking about my friday plans and never goes back to the subject of the concert....confusing.

Once we're back in the office, after a while I'm starving and, not wanting to suggest lunch again, I start eating the stuff I brought in.  He doesn't say anything, then a little while later sighs and says he's going to find a sandwich. Odd, because I gave him an option, he didn't take me up on it so why sigh now?  He comes back with his sandwich but also a bag of my favourite sweets (he knows this, we've discussed it) and says they're to share.  He's never brought me anything before. Again, confusing.

Then at the end of the day we're walking out the office down the hallway - him to the elevator and me to the mail room - and wishing each other a great weekend as he's not in tomorrow, Friday.  He goes off to the elevator, then comes back and carries on with a conversation really about nothing, then wishes me a great weekend again, smiles broadly and goes back to the elevator and off home.

Also, re. the whole ideas about moving to Capital City, today he was talking about trying to pick up extra days here, in this company instead.

I just, I really do not get it at all.   

[Judah]

So, as we're walking towards the elevator he says he didn't bring any food in today and doesn't really want the cafeteria stuff and he'd like to take advantage of the weather. So, given that it was practically lunchtime I suggested, very casually, "hey, well I have my car, how about well known coffee shop chain 10 mins away. We could take the file and work on it there at the same time?" His reply? "Hmm, well I just had a coffee and I'd really like a cigarette and I won't be able to smoke there. Let's see. It's certainly an idea though".  So I just smiled and said sure, just an idea and we carried on and sat outside and worked through the doc.

That was not asking him out.  Asking him out would be something like this, "Hey, Coworker, I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few months, would you be open to getting together outside of work?  Are you available for dinner this Saturday?"

[Samgirl2]

So, as we're walking towards the elevator he says he didn't bring any food in today and doesn't really want the cafeteria stuff and he'd like to take advantage of the weather. So, given that it was practically lunchtime I suggested, very casually, "hey, well I have my car, how about well known coffee shop chain 10 mins away. We could take the file and work on it there at the same time?" His reply? "Hmm, well I just had a coffee and I'd really like a cigarette and I won't be able to smoke there. Let's see. It's certainly an idea though".  So I just smiled and said sure, just an idea and we carried on and sat outside and worked through the doc.

That was not asking him out.  Asking him out would be something like this, "Hey, Coworker, I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few months, would you be open to getting together outside of work?  Are you available for dinner this Saturday?"

No I guess not, but in light of my promotion to pretty much supervising him and previous advice about ethics in this case I thought it was a starting place if he was interested but could be easily justified if he wasn't.

Anyway, if he doesn't want to do that, I don't think he's likely to agree to an actual date...

[wyozozo]

So, as we're walking towards the elevator he says he didn't bring any food in today and doesn't really want the cafeteria stuff and he'd like to take advantage of the weather. So, given that it was practically lunchtime I suggested, very casually, "hey, well I have my car, how about well known coffee shop chain 10 mins away. We could take the file and work on it there at the same time?" His reply? "Hmm, well I just had a coffee and I'd really like a cigarette and I won't be able to smoke there. Let's see. It's certainly an idea though".  So I just smiled and said sure, just an idea and we carried on and sat outside and worked through the doc.

That was not asking him out.  Asking him out would be something like this, "Hey, Coworker, I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few months, would you be open to getting together outside of work?  Are you available for dinner this Saturday?"

No I guess not, but in light of my promotion to pretty much supervising him and previous advice about ethics in this case I thought it was a starting place if he was interested but could be easily justified if he wasn't.

Anyway, if he doesn't want to do that, I don't think he's likely to agree to an actual date...

But you won't know if you don't ask...you either have to let it go or suck it up and ask him.

[wolfie]

So, as we're walking towards the elevator he says he didn't bring any food in today and doesn't really want the cafeteria stuff and he'd like to take advantage of the weather. So, given that it was practically lunchtime I suggested, very casually, "hey, well I have my car, how about well known coffee shop chain 10 mins away. We could take the file and work on it there at the same time?" His reply? "Hmm, well I just had a coffee and I'd really like a cigarette and I won't be able to smoke there. Let's see. It's certainly an idea though".  So I just smiled and said sure, just an idea and we carried on and sat outside and worked through the doc.

That was not asking him out.  Asking him out would be something like this, "Hey, Coworker, I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few months, would you be open to getting together outside of work?  Are you available for dinner this Saturday?"

No I guess not, but in light of my promotion to pretty much supervising him and previous advice about ethics in this case I thought it was a starting place if he was interested but could be easily justified if he wasn't.

Anyway, if he doesn't want to do that, I don't think he's likely to agree to an actual date...

But you won't know if you don't ask...you either have to let it go or suck it up and ask him.

I think the OP is right - if he isn't interested in going for coffee or any of the other suggestions put forth then he isn't going to want to go on an actual date either. We put out feelers to see if someone bites - if they don't it's a pretty good indicator that we shouldn't jump to the next step.

[TurtleDove]

I think the OP is right - if he isn't interested in going for coffee or any of the other suggestions put forth then he isn't going to want to go on an actual date either. We put out feelers to see if someone bites - if they don't it's a pretty good indicator that we shouldn't jump to the next step.

Well, the OP didn't jump on the concert suggestion either.  Neither the OP nor the guy is making any move.

[Samgirl2]

I think the OP is right - if he isn't interested in going for coffee or any of the other suggestions put forth then he isn't going to want to go on an actual date either. We put out feelers to see if someone bites - if they don't it's a pretty good indicator that we shouldn't jump to the next step.

Well, the OP didn't jump on the concert suggestion either.  Neither the OP nor the guy is making any move.

But he didn't actually invite me to go to the concert?

[TurtleDove]

But he didn't actually invite me to go to the concert?

Nope, and as other posters pointed out, you did not ask him on a date either.

[CuriousGeorge]

I think the OP is right - if he isn't interested in going for coffee or any of the other suggestions put forth then he isn't going to want to go on an actual date either. We put out feelers to see if someone bites - if they don't it's a pretty good indicator that we shouldn't jump to the next step.

Well, the OP didn't jump on the concert suggestion either.  Neither the OP nor the guy is making any move.

But he didn't actually invite me to go to the concert?

You said he didn't have tickets yet, right?  What if you flat-out asked him, "Hey, if I were to get a couple tickets to that concert on Saturday, would you like to join me?  We could even grab dinner first/after if you'd like?"

[Samantha]

Just ask him out. You're skirting it, and so is he.

"Hey, after you mentioned the concert the other day, I looked into it... it sounds fun! I'm planning on going. Would you like to join me, and have dinner before the show?"

There are many reasons why he may have said no to going to the coffee place. I know I've made up reasons to not go somewhere if I was broke and didn't want to admit it to you.

[LifeOnPluto]

Sounds like you both have been tip-toeing around the issue for months. There comes a point where you have to dive in. Otherwise, the situation becomes ridiculous.

What's the worst that could happen if you ask him out on a date? Suppose he says "No thanks - I only like you as a friend. Sorry if you got the wrong end of the stick." Ok, that will suck - for awhile. And your friendship might be a bit awkward for a bit. But on the plus side, you'll know for sure where you stand. All that awful uncertainty will be removed.

I echo the posters who suggest inviting HIM to the concert. Or at least ask him to do something that is clearly a date (eg dinner at a nice restaurant on Saturday night). I know it's scary, but you have absolutely nothing to lose.