Co-Worker - When you think he likes you back, but just can't be sure! Update p8

[Ginger G]

About 4 or 5 years ago, I was in pretty much this same situation with a guy I worked with.  He appeared interested in me and I was interested in him too, but nothing ever seemed to happen.  I dropped so many hints it wasn't even funny!  This went on for nearly a year. 

Then I read the book "He's Not That Into You".  I have never read a ''self-help" type book before and I wouldn't rush to read one again anytime soon, but this book was a real eye opener to me.  I decided then and there to give up on him.  Shortyly afterward, I met my current boyfriend (or actually "re-met" him as we had known each other casually a few years before).   We started going out and are still happily together 3 and 1/2 years later.

I would still occasionally talk to my previous office crush, and one day happened to casually mention something about my boyfriend.  He pretty much quit talking to me at all after that, so i really don't know what his deal was - he had his chance!  I also lost a really close male friend of 16 years, he dropped me like a hot potato when he found out I was dating someone.  I was actually in love with that guy for the first 8 years of our friendship, which he knew about and didn't act on either.   Guys are just weird sometimes I guess.  OP, my advice is to find someone who doesn't play these games and move on to someone who truly deserves you!

[afbluebelle]

I agree with Ginger.. or let me ask. I am a professional wingman. It's what I do!

[cbcb]

I think it's unfair to say he's playing games - if anything both of them are, or they both just need to sack up! It's just as possible that he's not because he senses some hesitance in her.

There's always a reason not to just ask him out. You need to start looking for reasons to get over the fear and just do it, or to let it go.

[wendelenn]

Bottom line after 7 pages or so:  If work isn't an issue, and you like him, ask him out with no misunderstandings.  It just sounds like a lot of overworrying about what he's doing and how he feels, and a lot of overthinking when asking him out will get to either "yes" or "no".

Exactly.

Pod.  Follow Judah's sig quote.

[ilrag]

If he isn't interested "that way" in her, then she would only put both of them in an uncomfortable position by making the first move.  If he actually is that interested, would you really want a boyfriend who is so incredibly chicken and insecure that he's afraid to even ask you for one date?

I asked my husband out on our first date. I never noticed that he was chicken or insecure.  Still haven't. 

[figee]

I've been following this too, and agree with all of the above posters, whose advice summarized seems to be either p(#} or get off the pot. OP if you ask him out one of two things will happen. Either he'll say yes or no. If he says yes, great, then you can start worrying about where he lives, his lack of a car, how serious he is and all that. If he says no, well, it will hurt but the world won't end. It won't even wobble on its axis.

But right now you want to be sure that he's really really serious and areassessing this by his not taking a risk that you also aren't prepared to take. 

And if you aren't going to ask then you need to walk away. You will never meet anyone until you are emotionally available, and right now you aren't. So you need to either act or move on, but preserving the status quo is tedious and pointless. 

[LifeOnPluto]

I agree with previous posters. It's time for you to make the first move.

I'm also saying this in the nicest possible way - but I'm guessing that you may not have had much dating / relationship experience in the past? In my view, asking out a guy kind of breaks the ice. I found for me, it actually gave me more confidence around guys. And even if he says "no thanks" (which the first guy I asked out said) at least you know where you stand.

(I should also add that the second guy I asked out accepted, and became my first boyfriend. Even though we broke up after a couple of years, we still remained good friends).

[Samgirl2]

I agree with previous posters. It's time for you to make the first move.

I'm also saying this in the nicest possible way - but I'm guessing that you may not have had much dating / relationship experience in the past? In my view, asking out a guy kind of breaks the ice. I found for me, it actually gave me more confidence around guys. And even if he says "no thanks" (which the first guy I asked out said) at least you know where you stand.

(I should also add that the second guy I asked out accepted, and became my first boyfriend. Even though we broke up after a couple of years, we still remained good friends).

Maybe not a huge amount but certainly some!  I have asked out 3 guys in the past (properly and obviously), who all seemed to me to be interested, they all turned me down. The ones who have wanted to date me have straight out asked me.  I hope you can understand my reticence to ask again, particularly with someone I will shortly be sharing a pretty small office with, just the two of us.....

[Bibliophile]

I agree with previous posters. It's time for you to make the first move.

I'm also saying this in the nicest possible way - but I'm guessing that you may not have had much dating / relationship experience in the past? In my view, asking out a guy kind of breaks the ice. I found for me, it actually gave me more confidence around guys. And even if he says "no thanks" (which the first guy I asked out said) at least you know where you stand.

(I should also add that the second guy I asked out accepted, and became my first boyfriend. Even though we broke up after a couple of years, we still remained good friends).

Maybe not a huge amount but certainly some!  I have asked out 3 guys in the past (properly and obviously), who all seemed to me to be interested, they all turned me down. The ones who have wanted to date me have straight out asked me.  I hope you can understand my reticence to ask again, particularly with someone I will shortly be sharing a pretty small office with, just the two of us.....

So what exactly are you needing help with if you don't need advice on how to ask him out because you don't ever plan on doing so? 

[Ginger G]

I wasn't trying to say he's deliberately playing games or trying to string her along for kicks.  I think he's ambivelent, meaning he probably does like her but just not quite enough to do anything about it.  At this point, I don't think she should ask him out.  If they didn't work together, I would probably say it's worth a try, but due to their work situation it's probably not a good idea. 

[jimithing]

I agree with previous posters. It's time for you to make the first move.

I'm also saying this in the nicest possible way - but I'm guessing that you may not have had much dating / relationship experience in the past? In my view, asking out a guy kind of breaks the ice. I found for me, it actually gave me more confidence around guys. And even if he says "no thanks" (which the first guy I asked out said) at least you know where you stand.

(I should also add that the second guy I asked out accepted, and became my first boyfriend. Even though we broke up after a couple of years, we still remained good friends).

Maybe not a huge amount but certainly some!  I have asked out 3 guys in the past (properly and obviously), who all seemed to me to be interested, they all turned me down. The ones who have wanted to date me have straight out asked me.  I hope you can understand my reticence to ask again, particularly with someone I will shortly be sharing a pretty small office with, just the two of us.....

If this is the case, then I think it's time to try to move on. He may feel very uncomfortable given your position of seniority. And if is not interested, and you ask him out, it could be very uncomfortable for him working with you.

BTW, maybe the online dating isn't a bad idea! I met my husband of 7 1/2 years that way. And it wasn't until I had let go of a relationship with a guy friend, that I thought might go somewhere, that I was fully able to embrace the dating world. I realized that he was stringing me along, and was sort of a jerk. He stopped returning my calls on day (long story), and that was the break I needed to be ready emotionally.

[Samgirl2]

I'm sure now - he doesn't 

Things kind of built up and I couldn't take it anymore, I had to be straight with him.

Over the last 2 weeks he has totally ramped up the little touches, the flirty smiles and looks and the teasing, so much so my boss has commented on it (she thinks we should date, it's not a company issue or anything) as have 2 other colleagues. My boss even winked at me when she was in our office last week! Yet he still didn't take it any further, which was driving me crazy. Last week, we were having a mock argument about music tastes and he just looked at me and said 'God, sometimes I think we're just totally incompatible' then changed the subject before I could reply.  Why would he say that if he hadn't been comtemplating the possibilities?

Then this afternoon he started asking me about good places to go out in the town where I live, which was not the first time he's asked about where I live (once asking how far my house was from the station -he doesn't drive) and I thought maybe, just maybe.  Then he got a phone call, answered it sounding really enthusiastic, but told the person he was still at work and would call them later.  I casually asked who it was and he just said a friend, Jane.  I was like 'oh right, which friend is she again'? (even though I'd never heard him mention her) and he said he'd met her online and gone for a drink with her last Friday. I was like, 'oh, right, I see', and he said, 'yeah, it's not serious or anything but she lives in the town where you live and I said I'd go over one evening and we'd go out. But then, I also went for a drink with this girl Alex on saturday so you know, it's not serious'.  We talk all the time about what we did at the weekend and he's never mentioned any other girls, ever.

Obviously I was gutted but I tried not to show although I couldn't help it just a little. He even asked if I was jealous because he'd gone on two dates this past week, I just said, 'well, yes actually, but life isn't always fair'.  Then I was giving him a lift to the station after work and we were talking about work when he suddenly said 'it's all very innocent you know'.  I was like 'sorry, what?' and he said 'with Jane and Alex. It's not like I'm two timing them or it's serious. It's just a date, going for a drink, to see how we click. I mean, we met online so we have to meet in person'.  I didn't really know what to say as it seemed like maybe it was too late, but maybe he was trying to tell me it wasn't too late after all?  As we were pulling up he said 'are you ok, you have this weird expression?'. I got scared and said 'yeah, fine, go phone Jane back while you're on the train (ok, maybe I sounded more than a bit sarcastic...) and he just smiled and said 'see ya tomorrow'.

So, driving home I felt terrible. I was confused as to whether I had missed the boat, why he had been acting the way he had and maybe I just hadn't been clear enough with the green light, and also that I had been just plain snarky to him this evening.  I decided i didn't want any regrets, if it wasn't serious as he said, then maybe there was a chance and I couldn't wait any longer so I texted him (we do text sometimes anyway):

Me:
"For the record, if you had asked I would have said yes. That's what my expression meant in the car, I was just too chicken to say. Pretty certain I shouldn't have just said it now either, in which case please ignore and don't let it affect work - I won't, and I won't ever mention it again, ever. I can totally do colleagues/work friends.  Just felt I owed you an explanation for my snarkyness...."

His reply:
"Ah, that makes me look a bit insensitive.....sorry about that. Anyway, trust me, you only get the edited highlights at work. I think it's better if we're a bickering work double act...."

My reply back:
"Don't worry about it, but bickering, surely not?  See you tomorrow...."

Of course I'm gutted, totally. But I don't want things to be awkward. I don't plan on mentioning it at all tomorrow, it seems like that's the best course of action?

[buvezdevin]

I do send hugs, though you didn't ask, and I also send congratulations which may seem contradictory, but isn't.

The hugs are for being disappointed in a hope, and a dear one.

The congratulations are for taking an action to ensure that a possible realization of a hope was not missed through lack of action.

And compliments on having done so in a way which is definitive, yet least likely to introduce awkwardness for either party.

I agree with your inclination to not further raise the subject, and will be sending good thoughts that he won't either and you can continue as friendly colleagues.

[strangetimes]

Aw, I'm really sorry for you. I've been following this thread, hoping things would work out.

The good news for you now, is that you know. It's hard, but now you can move on and try to find someone who is interested in dating you. Maybe have a look through some profiles on a dating site yourself?

[shadowfox79]

I'm sorry to hear that. I have to say, though, it sounds to me like he's been playing you. He flirts enough that your boss notices, and then starts talking about all these girls he's dating? I think you can do better than a man who plays headgames.