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Author Topic: shower charades  (Read 3126 times)

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padua

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shower charades
« on: June 07, 2011, 10:58:01 PM »
i've posted about my FMIL (now MIL) here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=77121.0 in a wedding shower incident. the feedback i received was invaluable- many thanks. however, i now find myself in a fresh, new predicament.

DH and i are now expecting. i'm about 7 weeks away from the baby's ETA (and terrified about the upcoming delivery, by-the-by) and a dear friend of mine asked if she could throw me a shower. i was touched by her kind gesture, especially as she'd been in the midst of her own chaos planning her wedding. she told me of some of her plans, which included a delightful gathering of my closest friends, some great conversation and hopefully some much-needed advice. she indicated she was excited to do so. i suggested to my husband that he give her my MIL's contact information in case she wanted to attend, as i'd feel bad if she decided to throw a baby shower as well and try to invite my friends who were already attending this shower.

apparently, my DH did just that. and my MIL (who'd insisted in throwing a jack and jill wedding shower in the previous thread) insisted she be the one to throw the baby shower- for my husband and i. so i just found out my friend felt pressured to graciously bow out of the shower and rather than an intimate gathering with my friends, the shower will be a combined one with many people acquainted with my MIL- in a rented hall, no less.

please don't think i'm ungrateful for the generosity of my MIL- i appreciate her efforts. but a) i'm not comfortable being the center of attention with a large group of people, many of whom i don't know intimately, b) i'm disappointed i won't have the small gathering of close friends, and most importantly, (and this is where i seek advice) c) what do i tell my friend who felt she had to back out of the shower? i'd feel horrible if she thought she'd been edged out. how do i indicate my concerns for her without appearing as if i'm backbiting my MIL?

... and i just found out the shower is this weekend. ...sigh...

sugar pie

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2011, 11:03:25 PM »
I have no advice to offer, only commiseration. :(

Also, the title of your thread gave me funny mental images of a large party crammed into a walk in shower playing charades.  ;D

padua

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2011, 11:07:31 PM »
I have no advice to offer, only commiseration. :(

Also, the title of your thread gave me funny mental images of a large party crammed into a walk in shower playing charades.  ;D


that totally brings back memories of my college days. of course we all wore bathing suits. and i think the game was: "how many co-eds can you fit in a dorm shower" rather than charades. but the image is still amusing!

Akarui Kibuno

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2011, 12:05:27 AM »
At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful brat, if my MIL did that I would bow out and not attend :( .
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johelenc1

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #4 on: June 08, 2011, 01:38:08 AM »
I think all you can do at this point is tell your friend how grateful you are for the shower she was going to throw and that you are so, so, so sorry your MIL took over.  She has a MIL too.  You can have a big laugh about them and I'm sure she will understand.  You could also ask her to go with you and stay by your side to help you through it.  I'm sure she will completely understand.


Doll Fiend

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2011, 01:57:47 AM »
At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful brat, if my MIL did that I would bow out and not attend :( .

Pod.

Perfect Circle

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2011, 03:24:30 AM »
I think all you can do at this point is tell your friend how grateful you are for the shower she was going to throw and that you are so, so, so sorry your MIL took over.  She has a MIL too.  You can have a big laugh about them and I'm sure she will understand.  You could also ask her to go with you and stay by your side to help you through it.  I'm sure she will completely understand.



I agree.

I'm sorry this event was highjacked. But I also hope you manage to have a good time this weekend and congratulations on the approaching arrival of the little one!
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boxy

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2011, 05:28:37 AM »
I could be completely off base here, but it seems to me if you allow your MIL to jack your shower she will continue doing things like this - think baby's first birthday and subsequent milestones throughout life. 

While it might be scary at first, you're not totally powerless.  You could say to your MIL, "I truly appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not comfortable with a giant shower.  My friend is planning a small get together and that's all I want.  It's really all I need."

Like I said, I could be totally off base but if you want MIL to stop taking control you have to stop giving it to her.  I don't mean that nasty or snarky, sometimes mothers have troubles letting go of control and accepting that their kids can do things on their own.  Sometimes you have to stand up and say no.

Where is DH in all this?  Does he understand and support you?  Maybe he could talk to your MIL and let her know you don't want to hurt or exclude her, it's just that she took over what someone else had already started. 


Snooks

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2011, 05:46:19 AM »
Evil me says contact your friend ask her to organise a shower just for the people you wanted including (excluding MIL) then reply to MIL "Oh I'd love to come on that day but it's the same day as Friend's shower for me which I'd already accepted an invitations for."

On a more serious note get your DH involved, he can fight this battle for you.  PPs are right that you need to draw the lines now, it might not make for a comfortable rel@tionship with your MIL but it'll keep you sane.

Hollanda

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2011, 05:56:36 AM »
I have no advice to offer, only commiseration. :(

Also, the title of your thread gave me funny mental images of a large party crammed into a walk in shower playing charades.  ;D

Well this time it was only water that came out my nose. :(
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Hollanda

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2011, 06:00:54 AM »
At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful brat, if my MIL did that I would bow out and not attend :( .

Pod.

Ok now you get to see a little of how StrangeHollanda's mind works.  I read this:


Quote
Also, the title of your thread gave me funny mental images of a large party crammed into a walk in shower playing charades.   ;D



Followed by this:

Quote
At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful brat, if my MIL did that I would bow out and not attend  :(

And came up with an image of her MIL and about 100 people all in swimsuits trying to cram into this one tiny shower. 

Although to be fair, if MY FMIL did that, I probably wouldn't attend, either!!!!!!!!

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StarDrifter

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2011, 06:57:13 AM »
I'm still unclear why you can't have two separate showers - your MIL gets her 'family' one and your friend organises the 'friends' one.

If they happen to fall on the same day (which would be such a shame! /sarcasm), perhaps with your friends' one scheduled for say, mid-afternoon if MIL's is at lunchtime, and you have to leave MIL's at a particular time because you have another place to be.

I don't see how that could be perceived as rude, as a heavily pregnant woman I can imagine that one or two hours would be more than enough for you to endure attend for, and if your 'friends' shower is a 'surprise' at your home, while your MIL is still at her own affair, so much the better.
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QueenofAllThings

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #12 on: June 08, 2011, 07:07:45 AM »
It's interesting to me that your due date is 7 weeks away and MIL made no mention of doing ANYTHING until someone else started planning. Leapt right on that bandwagon, didn't she?

I agree with previous poster - you certainly could have sat MIL down and said that you really prefer a smaller, more intimate shower. Of course, if it is this weekend, it's too late for that. Thank your friend profusely, and make sure she has a place of honor at your shower.

padua

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2011, 07:16:45 AM »
I think all you can do at this point is tell your friend how grateful you are for the shower she was going to throw and that you are so, so, so sorry your MIL took over.  She has a MIL too.  You can have a big laugh about them and I'm sure she will understand.  You could also ask her to go with you and stay by your side to help you through it.  I'm sure she will completely understand.

i think that would be just the thing. i know she has a lot of the same MIL issues that i do- and i think the comment is enough tongue in cheek that it won't come across as malicious or gossipy re: my MIL. thanks!

padua

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Re: shower charades
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2011, 07:23:00 AM »
to answer a few of the other posts: thanks first of all for the congratulations. we're a bit nervous.

as far as standing up to my MIL, i wouldn't have as much of an issue with this if it didn't impact so many other people. i wouldn't want to refuse to attend a shower where others are coming specifically to see me and my belly. as far as organizing another shower, my MIL acquired a list of my friends via the wedding shower list. it would probably be tacky at this point to say: come to THIS shower rather than the one you were invited to. my husband doesn't quite get what the issue is, because to him a party's a party no matter who hosts it.

i'm not as concerned (but maybe i should be) about MIL intruding in other places- i've already had to be very assertive regarding other areas. it's a work in progress. it seems she's still comfortable commandeering the events that i don't know about. hmm... which, after i say that, doesn't really narrow the field much, does it?