Author Topic: Why is this YOUR problem?  (Read 14699 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

gollymolly2

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2611
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #30 on: July 11, 2011, 02:24:13 PM »
But why would you do it out in the open? Then you're forcing others to become a part of it when all they want to do is read and discuss the subject matter at hand. If you have a personal problem with someone and it doesn't have anything to do with the thread at hand, then either ignore them, or send them a PM.

I guess the thought is this:

Either the "argument" is just a debate about something relevant to the thread (even if somewhat tangential to the original question), in which case it should stay in the thread so others can participate in the conversation.

Or, the "argument" is a personal disagreement between two posters, not relevant to the thread, in which case it should not be discussed in the thread OR over PM, because it's just a personal fight and has no place here at all.

Bibliophile

  • May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12025
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #31 on: July 11, 2011, 02:25:43 PM »
But why would you do it out in the open? Then you're forcing others to become a part of it when all they want to do is read and discuss the subject matter at hand. If you have a personal problem with someone and it doesn't have anything to do with the thread at hand, then either ignore them, or send them a PM.

No, just ignore them if it's not a mod-reportable issue.  PMs are not a place to vent personal arguments. 

ďThose are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.Ē ~ Groucho Marx

kingsrings

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9708
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #32 on: July 11, 2011, 02:25:58 PM »
Agree with your last part. Not saying anything at all to the poster, or ignoring a poster who does that to you, is the best bet for all.

Judah

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4769
  • California, U.S.A
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #33 on: July 11, 2011, 03:33:37 PM »
No one has ever sent me a PM, please don't start now.   If I have a question or comment, I assume I'm not the only one, so I post in the topic.  Whatever I have to say gets said on the forum, and I'd prefer if everything was left in the open.  That works for me.  EHell is the only forum I read/follow/post in, and I don't want to get into private fights with electrons.

I totally agree, except that I have gotten a couple of PMs along these lines and I really disliked it.  If you can't say it on the board, I don't think it needs to be said at all.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

-The Car Talk Guys

PeasNCues

  • Mind your PeasNCues!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7366
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #34 on: July 11, 2011, 03:47:55 PM »
I think the point is that if it not something you would say in the forum in front of everyone, it's probably something that is inappropriate to PM someone. If you feel you are derailing the thread, you can simply say, "I don't want to derail the thread any further, can we do a S/O."

I've only got supportive PMs and PMs from people asking for clarifications or general non-ehell related questions (like about rabbits).
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

http://inanitiesofanidlemind.blogspot.com/

Giggity

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8622
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #35 on: July 11, 2011, 04:39:15 PM »
No one has ever sent me a PM, please don't start now.   

If you change your mind, let me know. I will be happy to oblige!  ;D
Words mean things.

Paper Roses

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4785
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #36 on: July 11, 2011, 06:47:21 PM »
Wow!!  People actually send PMs to argue?  I can't imagine.  I think I would be livid if I ever got one like that.  Guess I'm lucky; any PM I've ever sent or received was done so to offer support or exchange personal information off the board.  I thought that was what the PM function is for. 

Really, I think if you have something to say but can't say it in a manner civilized enough for the board, then it's most likely inappropriate for a PM as well.
No, you can't, because you wishpishabonnyfish.

jimithing

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 19737
  • Life Is Too Short to Wear a Bad Outfit!
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #37 on: July 11, 2011, 06:53:38 PM »
Wow!!  People actually send PMs to argue?  I can't imagine.  I think I would be livid if I ever got one like that.  Guess I'm lucky; any PM I've ever sent or received was done so to offer support or exchange personal information off the board.  I thought that was what the PM function is for. 



Me too. But I have been sent PMs from posters who have received snippy messages from other posters, asking me what to do. I usually tell them to report them to the mods. That kind of stuff shouldn't be tolerated on the board *or* off.

Lynn2000

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4823
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #38 on: July 12, 2011, 11:43:44 AM »
I've gotten PMs before that were more like, "::cough cough:: You just posted something that could be construed as offensive, just wanted to give you a heads up in case you want to edit your post." They were very carefully worded and personally I appreciated that they were trying to help me out. However, someone with a different personality could see that as "argumentative" and respond badly. Personally I consider this another category of "good" PMs and appreciated that the people sent me the messages privately, as opposed to saying something within the thread "in front of" everyone.

Just wanted to add that. :)
~Lynn2000

O'Dell

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4372
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #39 on: July 12, 2011, 01:55:29 PM »
Hmmm...thinking back I did have a PM exchange with another board member about something I and she had gotten into in a thread. Can't even remember who started the exchange...it was several years ago. The PMs ended up with us expressing each of our feelings about our run in in the thread and explaining our reactions. It would have been really off topic to the thread and not worthy of a spin off as it just concerned us.

But it was all done in the politest of terms on both sides (I hope I was polite! I didn't save my sent messages at that time so I can't check.) and we each were respectful of the others point of view. So some situations, taking a personal conversation about a topic to PMs can be a reasonable thing to do. It should be rarely used though and not in the heat of the moment. I think the goal has to be coming to a greater understanding between both parties and it has to be done very politely and very respectfully. In my mind it's not so much verboten as something that should only be done judiciously and if you can remain open-minded and good-humored no matter what the result. You have to be willing to disengage if things don't go well.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

kingsrings

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9708
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #40 on: July 12, 2011, 03:03:50 PM »
ITA w/Sway. The PM function is not all bad, there are many positive, useful things about it. I donít think itís automatically a bad thing to send someone a PM about something. As long as one is being respectful and decent about something, like sway experienced, I donít see anything wrong with it. Better than hashing it out on the board for everyone to see, whether they want to or not. But again, usually the best recourse I do agree with the others about is to just let it go.

Peggy Gus

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3172
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #41 on: July 12, 2011, 03:22:04 PM »
ITA w/Sway. The PM function is not all bad, there are many positive, useful things about it. I donít think itís automatically a bad thing to send someone a PM about something. As long as one is being respectful and decent about something, like sway experienced, I donít see anything wrong with it. Better than hashing it out on the board for everyone to see, whether they want to or not. But again, usually the best recourse I do agree with the others about is to just let it go.

Really?

Fluffy Cat

  • Formerly MoretaTorene
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2320
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #42 on: July 12, 2011, 03:31:54 PM »
I've gotten PMs before that were more like, "::cough cough:: You just posted something that could be construed as offensive, just wanted to give you a heads up in case you want to edit your post." They were very carefully worded and personally I appreciated that they were trying to help me out. However, someone with a different personality could see that as "argumentative" and respond badly. Personally I consider this another category of "good" PMs and appreciated that the people sent me the messages privately, as opposed to saying something within the thread "in front of" everyone.

Just wanted to add that. :)

I wasn't thinking of that type, I've gotten and given a few of those myself.  I was more thinking of the "You have no idea what you're talking about, I am putting you on mental ignore and you should never post about x subject again" types.  Offline debates aren't nasty either as long as both parties are willing and respectful.
"Its so fluffy I could DIE"

squeakers

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1737
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #43 on: July 12, 2011, 03:55:52 PM »
But why would you do it out in the open? Then you're forcing others to become a part of it when all they want to do is read and discuss the subject matter at hand. If you have a personal problem with someone and it doesn't have anything to do with the thread at hand, then either ignore them, or send them a PM.

I guess the thought is this:

Either the "argument" is just a debate about something relevant to the thread (even if somewhat tangential to the original question), in which case it should stay in the thread so others can participate in the conversation.

Or, the "argument" is a personal disagreement between two posters, not relevant to the thread, in which case it should not be discussed in the thread OR over PM, because it's just a personal fight and has no place here at all.

The Forum Rules have this to say about that: "Irritating People: Someone, sometime in this forum will annoy the bejeebers out of you. Adults will try to resolve it first in Private Messaging or email, children have spats on the forum that can get one or both parties gagged or banned.  Mods are not here to play Mother to people who will not exercise self control in mentally ignoring irritating people."

"I feel sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." "It is so low, in fact, that Miss Manners feels sure you would not want to resort to it yourself, even in your own defense. We do not believe in retaliatory rudeness." Judith Martin

Lynn2000

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4823
Re: Why is this YOUR problem?
« Reply #44 on: July 12, 2011, 05:57:11 PM »
Way to ruin the debate by quoting forum rules, squeakers! (I kid.) :D

I think the key point is "try to resolve." Sending someone a nasty or argumentative PM is not indicative of someone trying to resolve the situation. Sending someone a PM that says, "Look, it seems like we get on each other's nerves a lot. Is there something we can do to make the forum more pleasant for each other?" could be construed as an adult way to handle a disagreement, which should be done via PM and not on the thread itself. In my interpretation, of course.
~Lynn2000