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Author Topic: Worst Date Ever.....  (Read 158023 times)

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wolfie

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #615 on: October 23, 2014, 12:02:37 PM »
This isn't really a worst date.  This is the story of the Date That Will Never Happen.
A friend of mine that I used to work with joined the company where I work now, and it's been over a year that he's been here. Our work lives do not intersect in any way (very big company).   Anyway, on his floor is a very nice guy that I've seen around, and my friend has decided that this guy and I would make the perfect couple.  He introduced us, and the other guy was pleasant, and that was it.  Nothing.  You would think that if a guy was interested in a girl, he'd at least contact her, right?  My friend says that he's shy and I should contact him.  Okay, I'm not adverse to that, so I write him an email about something we have a mutual interest in.  He says thanks and that's it. Nothing else. Not a word.

This stalemate has been going on for nearly a year.  My friend is pushing me to 'think outside the box and ask him on a date'.   Uh.....no.    For the record, I am in my mid-50s, not some dewy 20-year old, and the other guy is hardly young either(although younger than I am).    If he's interested in me, he can blamed well *ask me out*.  As it is, he won't even talk to me.  No IM, no email, nothing.   He's obviously not all that interested, but my friend insists that he is. 
And that's where it stands.   I'm not pushing, and he's not pushing.  I'm simply not interested in a guy who doesn't have the balls to even IM me with a 'good morning'.   
But my friend is still nagging.

In my experience, if you do get together with a guy like this, you'll be doing all the work in the relationship for as long as it lasts.  It's dispiriting to be with someone who makes no effort to please or entertain you, even if he insists that he wants to be with you.

I've had two boyfriends like this.  The breakups were excruciating, and both suddenly found the energy to stalk me and badmouth me to mutual friends.

I agree - I had one like that and it got really tiring to be the person doing all the work. But when we broke up no stalking or badmouthing - he at least just went away. But now I have a rule - if you can't be bothered to ask me out then you aren't interested enough in me.

lady_disdain

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #616 on: October 23, 2014, 12:54:33 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

wolfie

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #617 on: October 23, 2014, 12:57:25 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

The entire world doesn't need to subscribe to the view - it's my dating life and i get to decide that I want someone who shows me that they are interested in me and who I don't have to chase down just for a date. Other people can decide they don't want someone who asks them first, or they might not care either way. That's the fun of a love life - it doesn't have to be a universal rule - it just has to work for you.

TurtleDove

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #618 on: October 23, 2014, 01:09:21 PM »
I think some people are simply not compatible.  I am not interested (and wasn't when I was single) in the vast majority of people out there!  It says nothing about the other people and everything about compatibility.  If someone isn't interested, well, so what!  If someone shows no interest, I assume that person is not interested.  I think I may have asked my DH out the first time, but it was obvious to me he wanted to see me (he may have asked, I don't recall exactly, just that it was clear that the interest was going both ways).  It's not a matter, to me, of gender roles but rather mutual interest.  Actually, I cannot think of a time I was interested in someone who was not interested in me....probably because I find friendly flirting to be very attractive and tend to not be interested in someone who is not interested in me!

wolfie

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #619 on: October 23, 2014, 01:54:09 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

The entire world doesn't need to subscribe to the view - it's my dating life and i get to decide that I want someone who shows me that they are interested in me and who I don't have to chase down just for a date. Other people can decide they don't want someone who asks them first, or they might not care either way. That's the fun of a love life - it doesn't have to be a universal rule - it just has to work for you.

Where did I say that you had to change? I stated a consequence of your line of thought but you are welcome to conduct your life the way you see fit. That is the fun of a conversation - we get to understand how other people think.

When you started off your statement with "the problem with..." it pretty much implies you think that my opinion is wrong and should be changed. I apologize if I took it the wrong way but I did take your entire statement as a disapproval and criticism of the way I think.

Sirius

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #620 on: October 23, 2014, 02:11:29 PM »
I also dated people where I had to do all the work.  That was one thing I liked about Mr. Sirius while we were dating - despite the fact that he worked 12-hour night shifts and I worked 8-hour day shifts, we still managed to find time to be together, and it wasn't always me having to rearrange my schedule to accommodate his. 

Goosey

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #621 on: October 23, 2014, 02:17:40 PM »
I've never been big into gift receiving. I love gift giving, but am very meh about receiving. I figure I'm an adult: if i want it, I can buy it.

So new bf of long ago was asking what I wanted for my BD. I answered honestly that I didn't want anything. He kept pestering. I kept repeating "please don't get me anything. Honest. I don't want anything."

On my bday, we go out and he has a gift for me. Ok, I don't like that he didn't listen to me. But I accept it and say thank you (even though it was something I neither needed or wanted) because I was taught that that was the polite thing to do.

He says triumphantly "See? I knew you wanted something. You girls are all the same - if I didn't get you something, you'd be all offended!!" The rest of the evening was spent with us fighting - me saying how insulting he was being and defending myself and him making snide comments about how girls never say what they mean.

That was our last date lol

TurtleDove

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #622 on: October 23, 2014, 02:35:49 PM »
He says triumphantly "See? I knew you wanted something. You girls are all the same - if I didn't get you something, you'd be all offended!!" The rest of the evening was spent with us fighting - me saying how insulting he was being and defending myself and him making snide comments about how girls never say what they mean.


Ugh! He was not dating "most girls" or his interpretation of "all girls."  He was dating *you*!  I abhor generalizations like he made!

siamesecat2965

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #623 on: October 23, 2014, 02:42:23 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

I would have no problem at all asking him out sometime, if he had shown even the slightest interest in getting to know me.  We work in the Same Building, Every Day, and have for years.  We have very similar interests.  If he'd given the slightest hint of interest in me, I'd have run with it.  But nothing.  Not so much as a 'good morning'.   There's Nothing There.  The only hint I've ever had in his interest is my friend telling me 'he's perfect for you'.    Do you see what I mean??

Ah yes. that famous line "they are perfect for you" Yet the only thing we seemingly have in common is that we're both single. My mom's BFF was famous for that. Well, you are single, and so is "guy i want to set you up with as he'd be perfect for you" Ok, but do you know anything he's interested in? Anything we have in common? And finally, although I'd never ask "are you even sure he likes women?"

lady_disdain

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #624 on: October 23, 2014, 02:46:20 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

The entire world doesn't need to subscribe to the view - it's my dating life and i get to decide that I want someone who shows me that they are interested in me and who I don't have to chase down just for a date. Other people can decide they don't want someone who asks them first, or they might not care either way. That's the fun of a love life - it doesn't have to be a universal rule - it just has to work for you.

Where did I say that you had to change? I stated a consequence of your line of thought but you are welcome to conduct your life the way you see fit. That is the fun of a conversation - we get to understand how other people think.

When you started off your statement with "the problem with..." it pretty much implies you think that my opinion is wrong and should be changed. I apologize if I took it the wrong way but I did take your entire statement as a disapproval and criticism of the way I think.

Wolfie, it means that I don't agree with the way you think and I gave a reason. I also know there are problems with the way I think, some of which I am aware (but I think are compensated by the positive points) and some of which I am not aware and anyone is welcome to point them out to me politely. I have no illusion that everyone agrees with me and I actually think that a good thing. As a matter of fact, I have changed my views on many subjects because people pointed out unfortunate implications to me and I see that as a sign of maturity.

wolfie

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #625 on: October 23, 2014, 03:18:33 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

The entire world doesn't need to subscribe to the view - it's my dating life and i get to decide that I want someone who shows me that they are interested in me and who I don't have to chase down just for a date. Other people can decide they don't want someone who asks them first, or they might not care either way. That's the fun of a love life - it doesn't have to be a universal rule - it just has to work for you.

Where did I say that you had to change? I stated a consequence of your line of thought but you are welcome to conduct your life the way you see fit. That is the fun of a conversation - we get to understand how other people think.

When you started off your statement with "the problem with..." it pretty much implies you think that my opinion is wrong and should be changed. I apologize if I took it the wrong way but I did take your entire statement as a disapproval and criticism of the way I think.

Wolfie, it means that I don't agree with the way you think and I gave a reason. I also know there are problems with the way I think, some of which I am aware (but I think are compensated by the positive points) and some of which I am not aware and anyone is welcome to point them out to me politely. I have no illusion that everyone agrees with me and I actually think that a good thing. As a matter of fact, I have changed my views on many subjects because people pointed out unfortunate implications to me and I see that as a sign of maturity.

I guess I don't understand what you expect from me? I have noticed that the type of men I have to ask out vs then asking me out tend to have other qualities that don't mesh well with me. So therefore I made a rule for myself to ensure that I am dating people that are compatible  with me.  So you think it is a silly rule. that is fine for you, but I don't think it is a sign of immaturity to not change that just because other people think it is silly. There are lots of rules that people have for people they want to date that would be disastrous if the entire world decided to use them. Doesn't make the rules less valid for the people who have them. you are attracted to who you are attracted to and trying to pretend you aren't isn't going to make anyone happy.

TurtleDove

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #626 on: October 23, 2014, 03:30:42 PM »
wolfie, I don't think anyone is expecting anything of you.  lady_disdain simply shared her viewpoint which differs from yours.  It isn't a personal attack.  It isn't demanding or even suggesting really that you should change your perspective.  Just stating that other people, specifically lady_disdain, see things differently.

I think reasonable minds can disagree.  With extremely limited exceptions, it is a waste of life, in my opinion, to become upset that someone disagrees with me.

wolfie

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #627 on: October 23, 2014, 03:39:57 PM »
wolfie, I don't think anyone is expecting anything of you.  lady_disdain simply shared her viewpoint which differs from yours.  It isn't a personal attack.  It isn't demanding or even suggesting really that you should change your perspective.  Just stating that other people, specifically lady_disdain, see things differently.

I think reasonable minds can disagree.  With extremely limited exceptions, it is a waste of life, in my opinion, to become upset that someone disagrees with me.

I am not upset that she disagrees with me - that is what makes the world go around. I am more upset at her implying I am immature for not changing my mind and that my rules for myself are silly and invalid and I shouldn't have them. If someone said that they don't date people who skydive would you tell them the problem with their opinion is that they could be ruling out perfectly nice people who just a different hobby? Or would you accept "different strokes for different folks - I don't care either way/skydiving is a must for me"? It's just such a dismissive way of saying "i don't agree with you".

TurtleDove

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #628 on: October 23, 2014, 03:54:49 PM »
wolfie, I don't think anyone is expecting anything of you.  lady_disdain simply shared her viewpoint which differs from yours.  It isn't a personal attack.  It isn't demanding or even suggesting really that you should change your perspective.  Just stating that other people, specifically lady_disdain, see things differently.

I think reasonable minds can disagree.  With extremely limited exceptions, it is a waste of life, in my opinion, to become upset that someone disagrees with me.

I am not upset that she disagrees with me - that is what makes the world go around. I am more upset at her implying I am immature for not changing my mind and that my rules for myself are silly and invalid and I shouldn't have them. If someone said that they don't date people who skydive would you tell them the problem with their opinion is that they could be ruling out perfectly nice people who just a different hobby? Or would you accept "different strokes for different folks - I don't care either way/skydiving is a must for me"? It's just such a dismissive way of saying "i don't agree with you".

I didn't see lady_disdain say the bolded.  In fact, she said this: "Where did I say that you had to change? I stated a consequence of your line of thought but you are welcome to conduct your life the way you see fit. That is the fun of a conversation - we get to understand how other people think."

But let's say she actually did say what you read into what she said (but did not actually say).  So what?  Why would her opinion matter to you? 

And I always accept different strokes for different folks, but in real life (and on this board) I will explain my perspective.  I am not expecting anyone to do anything with their newly gained knowledge of my opinion.  When I hear perspectives that differ from mine, I evaluate what that perspective is, who said it, and whether it makes sense to reevaluate my own perspective based on it.  If I don't value the person's opinion, or think it is wrong, so what.  I move on.  We can disagree.  Even if they think I am wrong.

jedikaiti

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Re: Worst Date Ever.....
« Reply #629 on: October 23, 2014, 03:56:22 PM »
The problem with that view is that if he should also subscribe to it, no one would ever ask anyone out. It calls back to "men choose, women have the right of refusal" view, reinforcing gender stereotypes. I prefer "if you can't be bothered to show interest, I am not interested."

Yea, but when you can't even be bothered to engage in conversation, well...
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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