Oh, Auntie Venom - I'm having so much fun with these!
I have two worst date stories.
First was an ex-fiance. He asked me out for Valentine's Day, which happened to fall on a Friday that year. So, basically the whole world was going to be out on a date that night. This was supposed to be a reconciliation kind of thing to see if we could get back together and he had BEGGED me to give him a chance to show how romantic he could be. He called 2 weeks before to see if we were still on. Yep. Okay, he's going to make reservations at a fabulous restaurant and then we'll go see any movie in the world and maybe go for drinks after. Calls the day before to see if we're still on. Yep. Okay, he's going to make reservations at a fabulous restaurant... Um... I said that I don't think he's going to be able to get reservations for any normal time and I had a babysitter from 6:00 to midnight like we had discussed. Well, he didn't think that I was actually going to go through with it so he didn't make reservations but don't worry, he'll figure something out. He comes to pick me up the next night and he has a bouquet of red mini-carnations. Which I sort of hate. Hands them to me and says "I know that you prefer roses and you really don't like mini-carnations, but the roses were really expensive and I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money on you if we aren't going to date, so I got you something affordable." (Should have cancelled right there, but I had a BABYSITTER and an evening out planned. Dumb EG.) Then he says that he couldn't reserve anything so he thought we should go out for pizza. I remind him that I'm allergic to tomatoes so that's not really going to work and he says that just this once, I can eat a pizza. Nope. He suggests Chinese food, and I agree and offer two restaurants that I really like. One he says is too expensive and the other is booked. We drive around and around because it turns out that pizza was his only suggestion and I'm not in the mood to spend my night struggling to breathe in the ER. He finally suggests going to a bar and getting a drink and maybe some bar food. Okay, there are a BUNCH of bars in the area and most of them have fairly good food, so I'm pleased and suggest several of those. Except that he insists on the one bar in the neighborhood that doesn't serve hot food. They have cold plates with deli meats (which I don't eat) and cheese (but I'm lactose-intolerant). In point of fact, this is a discussion that we've had several times while we were dating
previously but he decided that since this was a SPECIAL date, I'd be willing to eat the cheese plate. Since at this point in the evening, I'm hungry enough to eat the actual plate, I decide that he can deal with the unpleasant result of cheese plate + lactose intolerance and we go in, get a drink and order the stupid cheese. We also run into my roommate and his new girlfriend who are there getting a drink before going to a movie. My date invites them to join us at the table and then at the movie later. He produces a newspaper and we all start looking at what's available. There's a new chick flick that I'd kind of like to see, so I suggest that. Other Girl says she's interested, both guys nix it. I say fine, I'm okay with anything but the new Clint Eastwood then since I hate and despise Clint. They say "OH! New Clint Eastwood! Great!!!" and proceed to go next door and buy tickets. I fell asleep during the movie - I can't even remember what it was but it was pretty bad. We left, he suggested a drink, I said no, take me home. So he did and then attempted to come in with me because he was owed s*e*x after paying for dinner, drinks and a movie! Plus, he got me flowers, right? Then he was completely baffled as to why I wouldn't resume the relationship
(I realize that the above makes me sound hard to feed. I'm not really. My BF feeds me all the time and it's pretty simple.)
The other one is First Date From Hell. I had known this guy for about 6 years at this point and we were fairly good friends. We ran into each other at a bar one night and were lamenting our horrible dating
lives and idly wondered why we'd never gone out since we liked each other, got along and had secret crushes on each other for years. Brilliant idea! We'll go out together! We decided to meet at Bar #1 on a Saturday. He showed up, things were going well, we were having fun and hanging out and I felt a hand on my back, which I thought was a little weird. Especially when I realized that he had both hands on the bar. Then I noticed that the guy sitting next to me was a MARRIED friend of my roommate who had a huge crush on me and had been asking me out for a year because he's in an open marriage and his wife won't mind. It was his hand. I move so his hand is not on my back anymore and resume the conversation. Now there's a hand on my waist. Date notices this and swings my stool around so I'm facing him and have my back to Annoying Guy #1. This causes the hand to fall off again. AG#1 grabs my behind. Date leans over and says "I'm going to the bathroom. Handle this while I'm gone or I'm going to handle it when I get back." Which I actually thought was kind of a cool way to deal. So he left and I turn around and demand to know what's going on. AG#1 says that he doesn't think I should be out with Date since he has dibs, he's been asking me out way longer.
I wasn't actually aware that dating
ran on the dibs system. I explain that I'm never, ever dating
a married man and I'm happy on my date and please don't interfere. AG#1 apologizes and says he thought this was a random pickup and he didn't realize it was an actual date, so sorry. Date returns from the bathroom livid because apparently AG#1's wife had accosted him on his way back, slid her hand into his khakis and made him an indecent proposal based on the theory that they could go out and have a good time and I could leave the bar with her husband. Date was under the impression that I was okay with this. As I'm explaining that I have no idea how people can be so delusional, a hand appears on my breast. Date looks at me and then at AG#1's hand and says "I can't deal with this. We need to find someplace else to be."
So we move to Bar #2. We walk in and order a drink and AG#2 walks up and starts hitting on me. He actually knows both me and Date but I guess he assumed we were there as friends. When he asks what I've been up to, I say "Oh, Date and I just spent the day moving him into my house. We've decided to live together! We're out celebrating tonight." Date gives me a kiss and a smile. AG#2 gives me a HUGE smile and says how happy he is for us and we should come to his place and celebrate together by partaking in some illegal smoking and a threesome. Then he grabs my breast.
Date's smile drops and he looks at me and says "Your life is entirely too weird and I need to go home now." Yeah, I can actually sort of see that.
He goes home and I go home and then I start thinking about it and I can't see how I actually could have either a) predicted any of that - I mean... seriously, who can predict that level of weirdness? or b) avoided it. I got myself all worked up about how it Wasn't My Fault. So I decided to go to Bar #3, where Date worked as a bartender, knowing that he was safely at home and I could hang out with my friends since there was a band playing that I liked. Get there and everyone is giving me the Evil Eye and I realize that Date has not, in fact, gone home. He's there. He's been complaining about the night. Okay, I slink into a bar stool and have a drink, thinking I'll drink it for pride then speed on home. While I'm sitting there, Annoying Guy #3 comes over to tell me how he's seen me at the bar before when the band is there and he's always wanted to talk to me but never had the courage and he promised himself that he'd talk to me the next time he would introduce himself and it's just so important the he get to know me because he knows that we're destined for each other. And as he's talking, he has grabbed my shoulders to shake me for emphasis. And his hands have slipped down so now he's basically grabbing my breasts. And Date comes around the corner to apologize for leaving me earlier and see if we can somehow salvage the evening. Sees someone else with their hands in my general chest area, says "Yeah, that FIGURES" and stomps off.
We ended up on another first date about 8 years later and it went marginally better. We figured we had nowhere to go but up from First First Date. Although BF's version of this story makes it sound much more like this was my fault for knowing these people at all.