Author Topic: I need jokes!  (Read 9431 times)

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CrayonOutlines

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I need jokes!
« on: June 13, 2011, 08:31:58 PM »
Certain kinds of jokes, that is.

Stuff similar to:

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

What did one horse say to the other horse? "Hey, why the long face?"

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?  Great food, but no atmosphere.

Eggs and bacon walk into a bar and order a beer.  The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. The seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A goldfish flops into a bar and lands on a barstool. The bartender says "What can I get you?" The gold fish says, "Water."

What did one casket say to the other casket? "Is that you, coffin?"

A family of tomatoes was walking downtown one day when the youngest tomato started lagging behind. The daddy tomato walks back to the young tomato, pounds her and says, "Ketchup!"



Clean jokes that have plays on words are what I'm looking for.  Thanks!!!

M-theory

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2011, 08:35:06 PM »
"So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra..."

"A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says 'Is this some kind of a joke?'"

JoW

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2011, 08:58:45 PM »
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bar tender says "get out.  We don't serve mushrooms here.  The mushroom says "Hey.  Don't make me leave.  I'm a fun guy."  (fungi)

A string walks into a bar.  The bar tender says "get out of here.  We don't serve strings here."  The string walks out, twists himself up like a pretzel, mess up his hair and walks back in.  The bar tender says "Aren't you the string I kicked out a few minutes ago?"  The string replys "No, I'm afraid not." (A frayed knot.)

LadyClaire

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2011, 09:55:36 PM »
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly a carrot falls out of the sky and hits him in the head. Puzzled, he looks up just in time to see an avalanche of food come raining down. Jello, pudding, broccoli, mashed potatoes, chicken..all just falling and burying him. As he lay there crushed beneath the mountain of food, he gasped "oh no! It's Buffet the vampire slayer!"

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky.


M-theory

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2011, 09:57:50 PM »
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky.

Ah yes.

"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk."

Ms_Shell

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2011, 10:02:50 PM »
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, but we don't serve pieces of string here.  I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."  So the string sighs and walks out.  A couple hours later, the string walks in again, and a different bartender says suspiciously, "I don't think I can serve you. Aren't you one of those pieces of string?"  The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."  *rimshot*

  
"I've never been a millionaire, but I just know I'd be darling at it." - Dorothy Parker

CrayonOutlines

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2011, 10:30:13 PM »
Keep 'em coming!!!  :D

Mental Magpie

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2011, 03:15:34 AM »
What did the zero say to the eight?  Nice belt.

What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? Dam.

A man takes a giraffe into a bar.  They proceed to get wasted.  Eventually the man stands up to leave, and the bartender says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"  The man replies, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

kitty-cat

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2011, 09:48:01 AM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool?  Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs against a wall? Art.

What do vegan zombies eat? GGGGRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS




NE Florida

wx4caster

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2011, 10:17:00 AM »
Why did the elephant paint her toe nails red?  To hide in the strawberry patch.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?  Time to get a new fence.

Why did the turkey cross the road?  It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the penguin cross the road?  It was too cold for the turkey.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?  He wasn't peeling well.

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."   The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party or what?"   "No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."

The days are long but the years are short.

JoW

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2011, 10:22:17 AM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.  (7 ate 9)

Sanity Lost

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2011, 11:44:23 AM »
Where does a 300lbs gorilla sit? Anywhere it wants

What did the dragon say to the knight? YUmmmm Oven roasted


MandiC76

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2011, 12:14:14 PM »
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, but we don't serve pieces of string here.  I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."  So the string sighs and walks out.  A couple hours later, the string walks in again, and a different bartender says suspiciously, "I don't think I can serve you. Aren't you one of those pieces of string?"  The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."  *rimshot*

  

My late uncle used to tell a variation on this one - thanks for bringing back some great memories!! :)

Mental Magpie

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #13 on: June 14, 2011, 12:47:49 PM »
Does anyone remember the one about the ion in the bar?  (This is a serious question; I don't want to try to tell it and get it wrong...) The punchline has to do with the nature of an ion. (Again, I'm not going to give away the punchline before the joke is told.)
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

readingchick

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2011, 12:56:16 PM »
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food, which he eats. When it comes time to pay, he grabs a gun and fires into the air. Barkeep asks what's up with that, to which the panda replies "I'm a panda, look it up." As the panda waddles out, barkeep opens a dictionary and finds "Panda. Eats shoots and leaves."

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.