Author Topic: I need jokes!  (Read 8864 times)

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Ms_Cellany

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #30 on: June 15, 2011, 02:03:33 PM »
Mother horse to foal: Speak up!

Foal: I can't. I'm a little horse.
Current fosters: Boojum (F, adult);  Rooney, Rascal, Rocket (M)

Mental Magpie

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #31 on: June 15, 2011, 02:11:04 PM »
Here's another visual, as the PP's (which is similar to another visual one I know, so I won't repeat it) reminded me.

Hold your hand, palm up, with your fingers arched like you're grasping a ball.  "What is this?"  When the person doesn't know, turn your hand over, fingers still arched, "A dead one of these!"
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

ydpubs

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #32 on: June 15, 2011, 02:18:28 PM »
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still-no-eye-deer (still no idea)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bullfight?
Gord

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel

And not a joke, but why do so many of these involve mutilated humans and animals?

I thought that was what do you call a guy hiding in the bushes.

No matter where you go, there you are...

Seven Ate Nine

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #33 on: June 16, 2011, 10:47:23 AM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.  (7 ate 9)

<-- check out the avatar :)

What do you call a cow with a small piece missing? Chipped Beef
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front porch? Matt.  In a hole? Phil.  On the wall? Art. 
Where do one legged waitresses work? Ihop

MizB

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #34 on: June 16, 2011, 06:43:50 PM »
Why were the strawberries crying?  Because they were in a seedy situation
‘All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing’  attributed to Edmund Burke 1729-1797

readingchick

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #35 on: June 17, 2011, 08:01:33 AM »
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."


Hollanda

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #36 on: June 17, 2011, 08:30:03 AM »

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."


Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pet food store. The assistant says "Hi there, what can I do for you?" The duck says "Have you got any duck food?" The assistant says "No. We're sorry, we don't sell that, you might want to try the store across the road." The duck walks out.

Three days later, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hi, have you any duck food?" The assistant says "No, I told you earlier this week, we have no duck food, we don't sell it." The duck walks out.

A week later, the duck returns to the store and says "Hey, do you have any duck food?" The assistant says "No, and if you come back in here again, I will nail your feet to the floor."  Teh duck walks out.

A week after that, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hey, do you have any nails?" The assistant, slightly confused, looks at the duck strangely and says "No, why??"

The duck says...................







.............(wait for it)









"Have you got any duck food?"

(I'm sorry!)

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.


Mental Magpie

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #37 on: June 17, 2011, 10:06:10 AM »

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."


Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pet food store. The assistant says "Hi there, what can I do for you?" The duck says "Have you got any duck food?" The assistant says "No. We're sorry, we don't sell that, you might want to try the store across the road." The duck walks out.

Three days later, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hi, have you any duck food?" The assistant says "No, I told you earlier this week, we have no duck food, we don't sell it." The duck walks out.

A week later, the duck returns to the store and says "Hey, do you have any duck food?" The assistant says "No, and if you come back in here again, I will nail your feet to the floor."  Teh duck walks out.

A week after that, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hey, do you have any nails?" The assistant, slightly confused, looks at the duck strangely and says "No, why??"

The duck says...................







.............(wait for it)









"Have you got any duck food?"

(I'm sorry!)



I LOVE it!!!
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #38 on: June 17, 2011, 10:35:20 AM »
How do you make a hankie dance?  Put a little boogie in it.

What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. 

A man is driving down the freeway and his wife calls him and says "Honey, there's a man on the news who is driving the wrong way on a freeway!"  The man replies, "One? There's hundreds!"

Do you know why blind people don't like to sky-dive? It scares their dogs.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Hollanda

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #39 on: June 17, 2011, 02:00:52 PM »
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.


Ms_Cellany

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #40 on: June 17, 2011, 02:02:46 PM »
A cardiologist was buried in a heart-shaped coffin. At his funeral, people said to a colleague, "Maybe you should do that!"  He said "No way, I'm a gynecologist!"

A colleague next to him fainted. He was a proctologist,
Current fosters: Boojum (F, adult);  Rooney, Rascal, Rocket (M)

Hollanda

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #41 on: June 17, 2011, 02:09:34 PM »

The Evolution of Medicine


I have an earache ...

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.


#1aunt

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #42 on: June 20, 2011, 12:42:28 PM »
What's a frog's favorite outfit?
                    ....................His jumpsuit!

What happened when the cow with short legs walked through a field of tall grass?   
                    ................ She was utterly tickled!

What does a cow read every morning?
                    ..................the Moospaper!

Sanity Lost

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #43 on: June 20, 2011, 03:34:46 PM »
What did the alien say to the grass?

Take me to your weeder

MerryCat

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #44 on: June 20, 2011, 04:19:57 PM »
A guy walks into a bar and says "Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy"