I need jokes!

[Ms_Cellany]

Mother horse to foal: Speak up!

Foal: I can't. I'm a little horse.

[Mental Magpie]

Here's another visual, as the PP's (which is similar to another visual one I know, so I won't repeat it) reminded me.

Hold your hand, palm up, with your fingers arched like you're grasping a ball.  "What is this?"  When the person doesn't know, turn your hand over, fingers still arched, "A dead one of these!"

[ydpubs]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still-no-eye-deer (still no idea)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bullfight?
Gord

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel

And not a joke, but why do so many of these involve mutilated humans and animals?

I thought that was what do you call a guy hiding in the bushes.

[Seven Ate Nine]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.  (7 ate 9)

<-- check out the avatar

What do you call a cow with a small piece missing? Chipped Beef
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front porch? Matt.  In a hole? Phil.  On the wall? Art. 
Where do one legged waitresses work? Ihop

[MizB]

Why were the strawberries crying?  Because they were in a seedy situation

[readingchick]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."

[Hollanda]

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pet food store. The assistant says "Hi there, what can I do for you?" The duck says "Have you got any duck food?" The assistant says "No. We're sorry, we don't sell that, you might want to try the store across the road." The duck walks out.

Three days later, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hi, have you any duck food?" The assistant says "No, I told you earlier this week, we have no duck food, we don't sell it." The duck walks out.

A week later, the duck returns to the store and says "Hey, do you have any duck food?" The assistant says "No, and if you come back in here again, I will nail your feet to the floor."  Teh duck walks out.

A week after that, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hey, do you have any nails?" The assistant, slightly confused, looks at the duck strangely and says "No, why??"

The duck says...................







.............(wait for it)









"Have you got any duck food?"

(I'm sorry!)

[Mental Magpie]

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pet food store. The assistant says "Hi there, what can I do for you?" The duck says "Have you got any duck food?" The assistant says "No. We're sorry, we don't sell that, you might want to try the store across the road." The duck walks out.

Three days later, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hi, have you any duck food?" The assistant says "No, I told you earlier this week, we have no duck food, we don't sell it." The duck walks out.

A week later, the duck returns to the store and says "Hey, do you have any duck food?" The assistant says "No, and if you come back in here again, I will nail your feet to the floor."  Teh duck walks out.

A week after that, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hey, do you have any nails?" The assistant, slightly confused, looks at the duck strangely and says "No, why??"

The duck says...................







.............(wait for it)









"Have you got any duck food?"

(I'm sorry!)

I LOVE it!!!

[Piratelvr1121]

How do you make a hankie dance?  Put a little boogie in it.

What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. 

A man is driving down the freeway and his wife calls him and says "Honey, there's a man on the news who is driving the wrong way on a freeway!"  The man replies, "One? There's hundreds!"

Do you know why blind people don't like to sky-dive? It scares their dogs.

[Hollanda]

The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.

[Ms_Cellany]

A cardiologist was buried in a heart-shaped coffin. At his funeral, people said to a colleague, "Maybe you should do that!"  He said "No way, I'm a gynecologist!"

A colleague next to him fainted. He was a proctologist,

[Hollanda]

The Evolution of Medicine

I have an earache ...

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.

[#1aunt]

What's a frog's favorite outfit?
                    ....................His jumpsuit!

What happened when the cow with short legs walked through a field of tall grass?   
                    ................ She was utterly tickled!

What does a cow read every morning?
                    ..................the Moospaper!

[Sanity Lost]

What did the alien say to the grass?

Take me to your weeder

[MerryCat]

A guy walks into a bar and says "Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy"