What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly? Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirin.
One tomato says to the other, "You wouldn't happen to have the time, would you?" The second tomato replies, "Holy $%*@, a talking tomato!"
Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? Because the white ones get dirty too fast.
Why do elephants travel in herds? To get the bulk discount on blue tennis shoes.
A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer, when he hears a little voice say, "That is a great tie! It really brings out your eyes." He figures he is overhearing someone else's conversation so he ignores it. A minute or 2 later, he hears that voice again, "I really love your watch! Very classy!" Again, he ignores it. Once again, after a minute he hears the little voice, "That shirt is so flattering on you!" Finally the guy looks around and realizes he is alone in the bar, except for the bartender who is behind the bar, restocking glasses. So the guy says to the bartender, "I think I'm going crazy. There is no one else here but I keep hearing a voice saying nice things." The bartender replies, "Oh, it's the peanuts. They're complementary."