Author Topic: I need jokes!  (Read 9022 times)

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Hollanda

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #45 on: June 20, 2011, 04:39:32 PM »
People often wonder why Britain is such a wet place. The answer is simple...the Queen has had a long reign.

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I wanted to join our local rambling club so I called the telephone hotline. The man I spoke to just went on and on...

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Some people have a fascination of blowing air out of their lungs. Personally, I'm not a fan...

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I heard from a psychiatrist friend of mine that he once had a genie as a client; he said the problem was simple, the genie was keeping his emotions bottled up.

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When glass repairmen get home from work, do they feel shattered?

Do second hand car dealers get exhausted?

I thought I was cut out to be a secretary. Now I am starting to wonder whether I'm really the type. 

Do hairdressers ever feel dis-tressed by their work?

Do plumbers get driven round the U-bend?

A friend of mine works as a private chiropodist. She's single, and I always wonder whether she finds her sole-mate. I ask her why she does it and she says she likes to heel people. She charges quite a lot of money to her clients and they have to be well off in order to foot the bill. She normally tells me at this point to shut up and toe the line...personally, I think I have these bad jokes nailed.

I was thinking of changing career by creating my own perfume. It would make a lot of scents.

A friend of mine has just been offered a job selling mattresses. When asked whether he wanted to take the position, he said he wanted to sleep on it.

Boom boom.
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


purplemuse

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #46 on: June 21, 2011, 09:34:06 AM »
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.

Ferrets

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #47 on: June 21, 2011, 06:12:49 PM »
Yesterday, my mum bought 8 legs of venison for 100. Is that too dear?

Spring Water on Sundays

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #48 on: June 24, 2011, 09:53:12 AM »
What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly? Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirin.

One tomato says to the other, "You wouldn't happen to have the time, would you?" The second tomato replies, "Holy $%*@, a talking tomato!"

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do elephants travel in herds? To get the bulk discount on blue tennis shoes.

A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer, when he hears a little voice say, "That is a great tie! It really brings out your eyes." He figures he is overhearing someone else's conversation so he ignores it. A minute or 2 later, he hears that voice again, "I really love your watch! Very classy!" Again, he ignores it. Once again, after a minute he hears the little voice, "That shirt is so flattering on you!" Finally the guy looks around and realizes he is alone in the bar, except for the bartender who is behind the bar, restocking glasses. So the guy says to the bartender, "I think I'm going crazy. There is no one else here but I keep hearing a voice saying nice things." The bartender replies, "Oh, it's the peanuts. They're complementary."

oz diva

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #49 on: September 09, 2011, 01:54:58 AM »
Sorry to dredge up an old thread, but here goes:

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A Walkie Talkie

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

 ;D

Victoria

Hollanda

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #50 on: September 09, 2011, 04:21:37 AM »
Not strictly a joke, but it struck me as very funny.

At work, I was waiting in line at Costa Coffee to get my breakfast.  A rather large guy in front of me had ordered a complicated coffee, and it took a while for the barista to make it.  Eventually, the guy got served.  The barista said "Sorry about the wait", and the guy immediately came back with "It's OK, I'll lose it eventually!"

I had to laugh. That put a smile on my face for the rest of the day!
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Mental Magpie

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #51 on: September 09, 2011, 11:14:38 AM »
Not strictly a joke, but it struck me as very funny.

At work, I was waiting in line at Costa Coffee to get my breakfast.  A rather large guy in front of me had ordered a complicated coffee, and it took a while for the barista to make it.  Eventually, the guy got served.  The barista said "Sorry about the wait", and the guy immediately came back with "It's OK, I'll lose it eventually!"

I had to laugh. That put a smile on my face for the rest of the day!

I have to remember that one!  It has definitely put a smile on my face, too.

Reminds me of when I overheard this conversation in the grocery store line:

Man 1: Oh, I'm just killing time.
Man 2: Better not get caught!
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

mlkind1789

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #52 on: September 17, 2011, 09:22:39 PM »
Blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a store.  The man picks the dog up and starts swinging him around by his lead.  Shopkeeper runs over and says "Oh my goodness, what are you doing?!?"  Guy says "Just looking around".

Ferrets

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #53 on: September 18, 2011, 03:58:00 PM »
Where do you weigh a whale?
At the whale-weigh [railway] station.

Where so you weigh a pie?
♫ Somewhere over the rainbow... ♪

Ms_Cellany

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #54 on: September 18, 2011, 05:37:35 PM »
Writing a poem
With seventeen syllables
Is very diffi
Using a chainsaw is as close as we come to having a lightsaber in this life.

CrayonOutlines

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #55 on: September 18, 2011, 08:04:33 PM »
Writing a poem
With seventeen syllables
Is very diffi

HA!!!!  I love it!!!!

VorFemme

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #56 on: September 18, 2011, 08:50:12 PM »
Saw these YEARS ago in a kids' joke book.

If "fortification" means a very large fort, why doesn't "ratification" mean a very large rat?

(verbal presentation works best) How do you pronounce RA TH OLE (rathole)? 
Apparently rearranging the letters confuses people - they usually try rath ole or something.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

baglady

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #57 on: September 18, 2011, 09:30:56 PM »
A grasshopper walks into a bar.

Bartender: Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?

Grasshopper: You have a drink named Bob?

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I dunno, but when it talks, you better listen!
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Allyson

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #58 on: September 18, 2011, 11:13:03 PM »
What's big, white, and sits in the corner?
A very naughty refrigerator

what's red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket
What's green and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise

What's green and would hurt if it fell from a tree on your head?
A pool table.

What's green, ribbits, and has wheels?
A frog. I lied about the wheels.

Mental Magpie

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Re: I need jokes!
« Reply #59 on: September 18, 2011, 11:20:15 PM »
What's big, white, and sits in the corner?
A very naughty refrigerator

what's red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket
What's green and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise

What's green and would hurt if it fell from a tree on your head?
A pool table.

What's green, ribbits, and has wheels?
A frog. I lied about the wheels.

The last is one of my favorites!  Although I know it as "What's green and has wheels...grass, I lied about the wheels."
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.