I need jokes!

[Ferrets]

What's big, white, and sits in the corner?
A very naughty refrigerator

That one just made me sporfle at work.

And also reminded me of this one:

What's big, green and sits in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk.

[Amatherly]

I personally love this joke, but almost everyone I know just sort of rolls their eyes at me.

Where does the queen keep her armies?
In her Sleevies!

Also,
Why didn't the dog fit into regular jeans?
Because he was a Husky.

Where did the kittens go on their field trip?
To the mew-seum.

[violinp]

A dog walks into a bar, bleeding. He sits at the bar, and declares to everyone "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

[Lisbeth]

How is a policeman like a heart?  He keeps a regular beat.

How can you tell that a dog likes dirt?  S/he digs it.

Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

How can you tell when a vampire is having fun?  He's getting his groove fang on.

[Sabbyfrog2]

Whats black and white and black and white and black and white?


A Panda rolling downhill. 

[Lisbeth]

What's red, white, and blue, and lives in a test tube?

Bozo the Clone.

[JoW]

A man is walking on the beach and finds a lamp.  He picks it up, rubs the dirt off it and a genie appears.  The genie says "I am the magic genie of the lamp.  I will grant y ou 3 wishes.  What do you desire?

The man says "for my first wish I want $1,000,000", and poof, the money appears.  Then the man says "for my second wish I want a red convertible" and with another poof the car appears.  The man thinks for a while and finally says. "I'm not sure what I want for my third wish.  Can I wait a while and get back to you?"  The genie agrees.

So now the man is happy, driving along in his convertible with all that money in the car.  He is so happy he is singing along with the radio.  Singing along with the ads.
"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner".

For those outside the US:
There one popular brand of hot dogs is Oscar Meyer.
 http://www.kraftbrands.com/oscarmayer/hot-dogs/index.html
Some of their ads feature kids singing a song that starts "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner".

[oz diva]

How do ask to enter a pyramid?
Took and come in.

[Hollanda]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He asks the barman for a drink for himself and the newt.  The bartender asks what the newt's name is. The man says "Tiny." The barman asks why he has called the creature Tiny and the man said "Because he's my newt..."

(Sorry).

[Ferrets]

[This one works best if you can tell it aloud with a decent Scottish accent]

In an Edinburgh hospital, a new doctor from London is being shown around by a Scottish doctor. At the end of his visit, he is ushered into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, who promptly proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
 
The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who fervently declares:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it!"

And the next patient sits up straight and bellows:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his new colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward till last."

"Och nae," the Scottish doctor corrects him, "this is the Burns Unit."

[MerryCat]

I have to admit I'm rubbish at accents. What did that mean, Ferrets?

[Lisbeth]

I have to admit I'm rubbish at accents. What did that mean, Ferrets?

She was referring to the poet Robert Burns.

[Tilt Fairy]

Why couldn't the pirate watch the movie at the cinema?.... because it was rated AARRRR!

I'm sorry.

[GreenEyedHawk]

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

[Slartibartfast]

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?  Elifino.  (Try that out loud.)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?  A stick.

What's big, round, and has pointy teeth?  A vicious circle.

(This one is also good in a Scottish accent!)
A Scotsman is visiting the London Zoo and stops to ask a zookeeper, "What's that animal?"
The zookeeper replies "That's a moose, sir, from Canada."
"Hoots, they must have rats like elephants over there!"

Ooh, I've got a great knock-knock joke, but you have to go first!
Friend: Okay, uh, knock knock?
Me: "Who's there?"
Me: *giggling through the sudden silence as my friend realizes this *was* the joke*

(And a nerd joke:) How did Little Johnny's math teacher know he came from a dysfunctional family?  He failed the vertical line test.  (Vertical line test = test of whether a statement is a function or not.)