Not returning phone calls

[cocacola35]

I have a couple "friends" that hardly ever return phone calls and it's starting to make me upset.  This behavior has been frequent with them and each time I catch them they apologize saying they've been busy.  One is pregnant and one has just started a new career, but this behavior has been going on before this has happened to them.  Now, I understand that if your life is hectic returning a phone call may not be the first thing on your mind.  This isn't high school anymore and we don't have time to talk on the phone for hours.  However, if I take the time out of my busy schedule to call someone to keep in touch I expect you to get back to me sometime soon- not never.  It makes me wonder if I even matter to them at all.  I've always been taught that it's rude to ever return a phone call and always do at least within the week that they called.

Part of this is probably my fault because I've let it slide for so long and haven't wanted to make it a big deal, but this is starting to make me really upset and feel like a doormat.  When we get together we always have a good time and make promises to call each other, but it's usually me doing the calling.  It's like they want the friendship, but they want me to do all the work with keeping in touch.  Should I talk to them about this or am I being a drama queen?     

[Lisbeth]

I think you should talk to them about it.

My older brother and his wife take their sweet time about returning phone calls, and they have very hectic lives too, with three small children and erratic work schedules.  I'm still waiting for them to get back to me about a call I placed on 12/23.

If these are people you consider friends, I'd say, "I realize that your schedule is hectic and stressful, but I get worried about you when you don't return calls within 72 hours or so.  Even if it's just a hello-goodbye call, I'd appreciate knowing that you got my message."

Edited to add: This assumes that they also don't respond to other forms of communication.  If they're better at E-mails, for example, then I'd use that rather than the telephone.

[sweedetobee]

I'd stop calling them and if/when they ask about it tell them that you stopped calling because they rarely return your calls so you assumed that meant they didn't want to talk to you.

However, I am one of those people that sometimes takes more than a week to call someone back. I work full time (can't call you from here although I send emails) and go to school 2 nights a week. The other nights are filled with homework/library and usually so are the weekends. I literally don't get home on weeknights until 10PM 3 nights a week and that's too late to call. I'm also married and occasionally i like to see Mr. Sweede. So maybe one night I week I hang out with him. I'm GREAT at email, since I can do that during the day, but my friends have learned to understand that it might take me a week or two to call you back - unless you tell me it is time sensitive or that you're having a personal emergency, in which case I'll call you back as soon as I have a moment.  School is a temporary thing so I hope to return to my usual chatty phone calling self in a year.

[CocoCamm]

Do your friends never call you back or do they just take some time? Are they good friends otherwise?

I have to admit to being a bit sensitive to this topic. One of my best friends and I got into a bit of a snit last week over this very matter. She doesnt think I call enough~I've never let more then a week go by without getting in touch with her and she is not always the one to initiate the call.

 I think a lot of this is perception. My two best friends are single, live with their parents, have little to no responsibility and so they have a lot of free time. I'm the exact opposite. I just moved in with the boy toy, I work 40+ hours a week and the boy toy works even more then that so I'm pretty much running the household solo. I honestly dont have a lot of time for chatting and/or hanging out.

That being said I adore my friends. I love talking to them and hanging out with them and in a perfect world we could do it more often. I do my best with the time I have and I wont apologize for having things going on in my life that keep me from having fun. Perhaps your friends feel the same?

[Chocolate Cake]

I don't blame you for feeling as you do.  Everyone wants to feel wanted in a friendship.  When you are the only one reaching out, it makes you wonder if you are placing a much higher priority on the friendship than they are.

The next time you get together, you would have nothing to lose by saying something like, "It's very depressing when I make calls to you that don't get returned.  Multiple calls sometimes over a period of weeks.  I feel like maybe you aren't interested in being my friend any more.  But then I get confused because we actually do have a great time when we finally do meet up.  I'm well aware that you have busy lives and I don't expect weekly calls, but I'm really tired of feeling this way so I need you to make more of an effort to show me that you value our friendship by returning my calls more promptly or, better yet, instigating calls yourself."

That said, if they then don't pick up the slack, it's time to consider that maybe these friendships are in transition and aren't going to be as close as you had hoped or as close as they used to be.   Then, you can stop putting so much emotional energy into something that isn't going to give you the "returns" you desire.

[cocacola35]

9 times out of 10, I'm the one who makes the calls and usually they never call me back.  I figure giving someone a week to return a call is enough time, but I don't know.  I think I'd feel better if they called me every once in a while (once a month would be sufficient) or at least returned my calls.  I've got things going on in my life too (i.e. planning a wedding, 40 hr week job, involvement with community theater, spending time with DF) but I can always find a little time within one week for a quick hello to at least say I got your message. 

Other than this, they are good friends.  I don't think this is being done out of malice, just thoughtlessness.  I like what you said Chocolate Cake- polite and gets the message across.  I've been thinking for awhile now that people that don't show enough initiative in friendships as I do are not worth my time and energy.

[Slartibartfast]

I'm on the other end of this - I have a friend who calls me about once a week, and often when she calls I'm either not home or I'm not able to talk right then (watching a movie with DH, or playing World of Warcraft with a group of other people).  I don't want to inconvenience my DH or a group of 39 online friends for a chat we could do anytime, so I end up saying "Can I call you back later?" a lot.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.  My friend and I really don't have all that much in common anymore, and we live across the country from each other, so I feel kind of silly calling "just to talk" when there's really nothing to talk about.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's feeling the same way you are, and wondering whether I still want to be her friend.  I do, but I'm not a person for long phone conversations.  I'm happy to see her whenever we're both in the same state, but I'm also okay going for months or even years without communicating much.  I'm like this with almost everybody (right now, most of my high school and college friends are spread out across the country, and I haven't made a ton of local friends in the meantime).  Some people are comfortable with it and some aren't - but we'll all catch up when we see each other the next time.

[CreteGirl]

Should I talk to them about this or am I being a drama queen?     

I don't think you are being a drama queen at all, and I do think you should bring it up with your friends.  Sure, they are busy.  We are all busy.  But keeping friendships going does require a bit of time and effort.

One of my pet peeves is when people interrupt a phone conversation because someone is calling on the other line.  I have one friend who answers her call waiting, and then tells me she needs to hang up and she will call me right back.  Right back usually means sometime the next week or so to her.  To me, right back means within the next hour or so.  I try not to let it bother me, but her actions say to me that whoever is on the other line is much more important than I am.

Personally, I do not answer my other line when it rings.  If someone wants to talk to me, they can leave a message and I will call them back when I am done with my other conversation.

Does anyone else hate call waiting?

[ptcruzinkim]

I actually had Call Waiting taken off my phone service (it was a way for me to save money at the time and I really didn't need it.) So whoever is trying to get to me can either wait or call the cell number.

I am also sort of sensitive to people saying they'll call and then don't or making plans and then don't contact me. I am also busy like the rest of the world and if I can take a minute or so to call friends, I will. I actually prefer email though, because I'm also not a phone talker.

[CreteGirl]

I am also sort of sensitive to people saying they'll call and then don't or making plans and then don't contact me

That's what I am dealing with concerning the person who said she would call me "right back" yesterday.  We have tentative plans for tomorrow night, but since I have not heard back, I don't know if we are still on or not.  This drives me nuts, as this couple will make plans and then cancel for the slightest reason.  My husband and I are the type of people who can make plans three months in advance, and stick to them.  I'm trying to get over it and tell myself that is "just the way they are", but I can't help but feel put out when plans are cancelled often.