Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Did I handle this appropriately? (long, sorry)

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Phinn:
I've been a reader for a long time - love this discussion forum!  This is my first post.

My best friend's (let's call her K) birthday is on Monday.  K and I have been really tight for 7+ years, and have many of the same friends.  We were both single for a long time, and in the past year have both met our significant others and moved in with them.  (i.e.: there have been big changes in our long-standing social dynamic.)   

K used to be *very* outgoing, but since getting together with her boyfriend, leads a much quieter way of life.  He is *very* quiet and shy, which is doubtless a factor.  Regardless, she is happy and they are very in love.  However, it is taking our group of friends awhile to realize that she does not crave the limelight anymore.

K has celebrated her birthday publicly in the past (parties, any and all friends available, etc).  I have been very ill for the past two weeks and so did not inquire if she had made any plans for this year.  Then 4 days ago her boyfriend (call him S) emailed me to ask if my partner and I would like to have a "quiet dinner" with him and K.  I wrote back mentioning a restaurant and suggested that we keep it a surprise until the actual day for fun.  I know her well enough to know that she would be very pleasantly surprised at just the four of us hanging out, as this would be the very first time that just our two couples would do something social together.

So, S is off to make reservations.

Introducing B.  She and her roommate N (female, several years younger) are lovely, bubbly, impetuous people that K and I have been friends with for years.  B and N are single and do a lot of socializing.  B calls K (K tells me) and says "so are we going out to celebrate your birthday this weekend?"

K says "No, I don't want to do anything for my birthday."  (Meaning the group parties of past years.)

B calls me a few days later just to chat, and says "K says she's not doing ANYTHING for her birthday, don't you have anything planned?"

I say that as she doesn't want to do anything, S and I are taking her out for a very quiet, low-key dinner.  And we haven't mentioned it yet to her so please don't say anything.  I said this to let B know that K is not being totally neglected, and also say that B and I could take her out for a drink another time.

Immediately she jumps in and says "Great, can I come to dinner with you guys?  And can I bring N as my date?"

I know this will tip the scales of how many people K prefers to dine with, and that although she loves vivacious, outgoing B and N, *that* group dynamic (boyfriends will clam up, B and N will kind of overpower the conversation) is definitely not what she has indicated she would prefer for her birthday.

I reiterate that I'm not sure if reservations have been made already, but that a much better idea would be for B, N, K and I to all go out another time as a Girls' Night.  She says "Great, well but find out from S about the reservations and let me know."

Should I not have mentioned our small dinner at all if I didn't want others to ask to be included?  I'd thought that it was apparent that the small dinner was a closed event.

Can anyone please tell me if I did wrong?  At this point I'm planning to speak to B tomorrow and just say that I really think the better idea would be for us to do a Girls' Night later in the week.  I want to handle this gracefully, and my brains have been a little fuzzy from recovering from illness lately.

Thank you very much for any and all input!

Sincerely,
Phinn

AprilRenee:
I don't think you did anything wrong. She did, to invite herself along.

I would just tell her that the reservations are already made (Did you tell her where you were going? Could she try to crash the night?) but tell her that the girls night out is definatly on.

Summrs:
Yup, what April said.  You answered a question.  Just mentioning to another what one's plans are doesn't throw the event open to that person.  You did fine, just stand your ground and make sure K's boyfriend doesn't get roped into allowing them along, should B call him.

Deetee:
You did fine, but I think a better reply would have been.

" Yeah, K's BF has something planned for the day of her birthday already. Did you want to get together later this week to celebrate?".

As for inviting herself, that's rude, but I'd give her a pass when most previous invites have been open.

jais:

--- Quote from: Deetee on July 08, 2007, 08:42:04 AM ---You did fine, but I think a better reply would have been.

" Yeah, K's BF has something planned for the day of her birthday already. Did you want to get together later this week to celebrate?".

As for inviting herself, that's rude, but I'd give her a pass when most previous invites have been open.

--- End quote ---

I agree.  It can be weird when some people in a group become couples and everything changes.  I'd let it slide.

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