Help- don't want to hurt Mom's feelings but... (longish)

[ladiedeathe]

Guys, I need some etiquette help on what's become a touchy situation. I'm too close to it to know how to handle it at this point.

The background (sorry, but it's relevant). My white Christian parents adopted my Israeli (middle-eastern)/white Jewish self when I was almost two. The 60's and 70's were rough on mixed kids, and adopted kids, and occassionally Jews, but Mom and Dad took me anyway. They spent 18 yrs trying to make me aware of my cultural/religious heritage (which they knew zip about but tried to learn for my sake), dealing with ethnic hair, and kissing me when I cried 'cause someone called me a n***er. I love them very much.

When I was 18 I got married and embraced orthodox Judaism. I'm now 40, and over the past ten yrs or so have ended up ultra-orthodox. Now comes the problem.

Mom has never been a good cook (okay- food poisoning would actually make some of her stuff taste better). I avoided her cooking my last two two years at home, and have been avoiding it ever since. Mom and Dad are now raising my 2 nieces (4 and 7)- my DH and I love the little monsters and they love us. This means we're over MUCH more often. Which means we get invited to dinner.

1. We keep kosher and they don't. 2. The food is sickening- both DH and I would vomit if we tried to eat it to be polite (he tried it once, despite my warnings).

Because I ate the food as a little kid, Mom can't understand why I won't eat it now. No amount of explaination about religion will do. I don't know how to not hurt her feelings but to make it clear that we will not have dinner there. (Cooking myself at their house doesn't work- they like under/over cooked food with no seasoning!)

Help!

[Lisbeth]

I think I'd tell your parents, "Mom, Dad, we love you very much but I think that because our food habits are very different now, let's limit our get-togethers to occasions that don't involve food."

And if they can't handle that, I'd consider still more limitations on contact, up to not having any.

[ImperfctMe]

Offer to go out to dinner instead!

[ehellion]

1. We keep kosher and they don't. 2. The food is sickening- both DH and I would vomit if we tried to eat it to be polite (he tried it once, despite my warnings).

Because I ate the food as a little kid, Mom can't understand why I won't eat it now. No amount of explaination about religion will do. I don't know how to not hurt her feelings but to make it clear that we will not have dinner there. (Cooking myself at their house doesn't work- they like under/over cooked food with no seasoning!)

Help!

This sounds tough. Keeping kosher (to me, anyway) is a bit confusing, but I think I finally understand how it works. Obviously Mom is having a hard time understanding (even though she did try to teach you about your heritage as a child.)

I would make sure I eat before I go over and gently explain if Mom insists on you eating her less than tasty food,"No thanks Mom. We already ate. Plus we keep kosher. Remember Mom?" Lather, rinse, repeat. If her feelings get hurt, they get hurt. I'd maybe explain a little more on how the whole kosher thing works everytime you have to politely decline the food, too. One of these days she'll get it. Hopefully. *crossing fingers*

[Tabris]

You're mixing two issues here. If you would eat nonkosher food she prepared if it were good, then I'm not sure it's the best idea to hide behind God on this one. OTOH, God is bigger than we are and doesn't want us to eat rotten food either, so He might not mind. Not sure on this.

How strong are they in their own faith? If your parents are observant members of some religion (any religion) then you might be able to appeal to them by explaining, in exhuberant terms, how much it has helped your faith life to keep kosher. You'll know what terms they'll understand best and of course you'll understand your own faith best. But if you speak in glowing terms, with a true enthusiasm, about how it's made you feel very close to God or very strong in your faith or very not-guilty or fully self-actualized or WHATEVER, to *always* keep kosher, then they might understand.

It might be that your mother sees your rejection of her food as a rejection of her. This might have been unintentionally phrased this way, but you said in your post:

the 60's and 70's were rough on mixed kids, and adopted kids, and occassionally Jews, but Mom and Dad took me anyway.

Would your parents happen to have projected onto you the feeling that they were doing you a *favor* by adopting you? Because the way you phrased it, your attachment to them sounds tenuous, as if they might have chosen to walk away and never bond with you. The food issue might be really an issue over love and the other things that food represents in a family. You might want to think a bit about what your mother is *really* upset over rather than just the obvious point of the argument.

[hobish]

Wow, Tabris ... you really do rock. That was a really thoughtful answer.

[Tabris]

Thanks, hobgoblinish. I've been dealing in the past few days with someone to whom food and nurturing seemed synonymous, and realizing how many levels of meaning a simple meal can have between two people.

[Clara Bow]

Ladydeathe,
As I understand the kosher kitchen (and I'm a hopeless gentile so if I'm wrong, smack my hand) you really can't eat at anyone's house who doesn't keep kosher. What I mean, is I know that there are certain food storage and preparation customs that must be observed. Otherwise the food is trayf.
I would pack a basket of sandwiches, or something else that you are able to eat and tell Mom that while you have never had a problem in the past (if diarrhea isn't a problem...) now your views on religion and food are dramatically different from hers and that you feel uncomfortable not eating kosher. Tell her that you love to see her and spend time with her, but that you do not feel right about stepping outside the tenets of your faith...and since you wouldn't ask her to do that you'd appreciate it if she'd do the same.
Beyond that, try to avoid being there at meal times....it helps to have "plans". Hope you had a Happy Hannukah!

[ladiedeathe]

Thanks everybody so far.

Tabris, I think you got it right on the nosie- when I say no to food she takes it as a rejection of her and dad instead of just a no to dinner. That's why I'm trying so hard not to make her feel that way.

Oh, and they have never made me feel like I should be greatful for being adopted, but I'm well aware they could have just walked away and they certainly didn't have to bond with me or take me home. They were approached by an agency that didn't know what to do with me, and took me even though they knew they could wait for a caucasian baby. At the time, mixed race adoptions were rare to non-existant in our area, and so were mixed kids. Officially things were desegregated, but un-officially black or brown skinned people just didn't live or work near where I grew up. Until I was 18 and out of the house I never actually met another person with skin that wasn't white (I saw some folks when we went to Cinci, but never met or spoke to anyone). My mom used to take the bus to Cincinnati with me to get the products I needed for my hair!

And the kosher thing and bad food thing really are sides of the same issue. If the food was edible I would speak to my Rabbi and try to work out which was the lesser evil- hurting mom or eating non-kosher food. Most Jewish law makes exceptions in cases where following it to the letter would harm someone else (even if the harm is psychological). In this case, if I really tried to eat her food now I would get ill and vomit, thus offending or hurting both her and me!

Great idea Auntie. And you're right- anything from their kitchen would be trayf. We had a great Hannukah.

And for anyone who thinks I'm kidding about BAD cooking, may I give you some of her "best" ideas:
1)Boil raw hamburger in a pot with peeled chunks of potato X 1 hour. Serve.
2)Buy steak for swissing, do not swiss. put in cold pan, turn pan on. When bottom side is grey turn over. Turn second side grey. Serve
3)Buy raw ham, do not season. Place in oven and cook for 1 hour less than recommended so it will be "juicy".
4) Put spaghetti in pot of cold water. Bring water to boil, cook for 30 minutes. Scoop out of water and onto plate without draining. Cover with warmed Ragu. Grate velveeta over top...

I had to take a few years worth of cooking classes so hubby #1 and I wouldn't starve!

[VorFemme]

4) Put spaghetti in pot of cold water. Bring water to boil, cook for 30 minutes. Scoop out of water and onto plate without draining. Cover with warmed Ragu. Grate velveeta over top...

I had to take a few years worth of cooking classes so hubby #1 and I wouldn't starve!

Someone who is a worse cook than the SIL who diluted half a jar of Ragu spagetti sauce with straight tomato sauce because "it was too spicy"..........I had thought that would be almost impossible. 

The only thing I can add is trying to bring food that is edible/kosher and offering to Mom & Dad with comments about "this great new recipe from cooking class" or a dessert from "a new kosher bakery that we just found".

Make it about trying foods from your heritage instead of rejecting Mom's efforts in the kitchen.......if at all possible.

[Clara Bow]

You should come eat with my step in laws...they make your mother's cooking look like haute cuisine...I'm thinking of telling them that I keep kosher!
I highly recommend them for a fun night of fasting!

[jfulle5]

I would just bring food over to there house and call it a cultural experience

[kkl123]

I would a) speak to your rabbi about the issue and if it seems possible, b) bring dinner with you on family occasions ("Oh, Mom, let me bring dinner, you just relax and enjoy the kids!")

My first MIL was a bad cook -- I remember the three hour spaghetti boil -- those poor noodles weren't even the size of rice grains when it came time to "eat".  Even grilled cheese sandwiches were a menace to civilization there.  I wouldn't even care to recommend peanut butter and crackers there.  Then I discovered the polite fiction that I'd made too much (soup/stew/roast) and (cookies/cake/other dessert) and life became much easier.  She'd provide lettuce and some other slightly suspect vegetables, and some fruit in skin, and honor and taste buds were saved all around.  Except I had to leave the pepper out of anything I made -- at least I could add it at table!

Sharing food with people we like (or want to show basically peaceful intentions toward) that not to do so can be taken as a real slap in the face.  Like George HW Bush and the 1992 Japanese banquet, sometimes you try your darndest to eat when you don't really want to in the name of international (or intrafamily!) friendship and peace.

[blue2000]

And for anyone who thinks I'm kidding about BAD cooking, may I give you some of her "best" ideas:
1)Boil raw hamburger in a pot with peeled chunks of potato X 1 hour. Serve.
2)Buy steak for swissing, do not swiss. put in cold pan, turn pan on. When bottom side is grey turn over. Turn second side grey. Serve

Ummm... while I sympathise with your dilemma, these (served with salt, pepper, and onion) happen to be two of my dad's favourite meals. I know the hamburger one is Scottish (Dad's parents came from Scotland), although I cannot remember the name of it at the moment. Perhaps some of your mom's odd cooking is because of her cultural background?

(not intending to suggest that Scottish people are bad cooks - I happen to think I'm pretty darn good )

[selkiewoman]

  The boiled hamburger and potato dish is known in the vernacular as 'mince and tatties.'  Here is what you do to make it taste good - brown the hamburger (mince) with a cut-up onion.  Add water and gravy mix (Bisto is best if you can find it.)  Add potatoes (tatties), boil gently until they are soft,  throw in sone peas and carrots if you like, and trust me, you have a pretty tasty meal.
              Selkiewoman