Thanks everybody so far.
Tabris, I think you got it right on the nosie- when I say no to food she takes it as a rejection of her and dad instead of just a no to dinner. That's why I'm trying so hard not to make her feel that way.
Oh, and they have never made me feel like I should be greatful for being adopted, but I'm well aware they could have just walked away and they certainly didn't have to bond with me or take me home. They were approached by an agency that didn't know what to do with me, and took me even though they knew they could wait for a caucasian baby. At the time, mixed race adoptions were rare to non-existant in our area, and so were mixed kids. Officially things were desegregated, but un-officially black or brown skinned people just didn't live or work near where I grew up. Until I was 18 and out of the house I never actually met another person with skin that wasn't white (I saw some folks when we went to Cinci, but never met or spoke to anyone). My mom used to take the bus to Cincinnati with me to get the products I needed for my hair!
And the kosher thing and bad food thing really are sides of the same issue. If the food was edible I would speak to my Rabbi and try to work out which was the lesser evil- hurting mom or eating non-kosher food. Most Jewish law makes exceptions in cases where following it to the letter would harm someone else (even if the harm is psychological). In this case, if I really tried to eat her food now I would get ill and vomit, thus offending or hurting both her and me!
Great idea Auntie. And you're right- anything from their kitchen would be trayf. We had a great Hannukah.
And for anyone who thinks I'm kidding about BAD cooking, may I give you some of her "best" ideas:
1)Boil raw hamburger in a pot with peeled chunks of potato X 1 hour. Serve.
2)Buy steak for swissing, do not swiss. put in cold pan, turn pan on. When bottom side is grey turn over. Turn second side grey. Serve
3)Buy raw ham, do not season. Place in oven and cook for 1 hour less than recommended so it will be "juicy".
4) Put spaghetti in pot of cold water. Bring water to boil, cook for 30 minutes. Scoop out of water and onto plate without draining. Cover with warmed Ragu. Grate velveeta over top...
I had to take a few years worth of cooking classes so hubby #1 and I wouldn't starve!