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Help- don't want to hurt Mom's feelings but... (longish)

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ladiedeathe:
Guys, I need some etiquette help on what's become a touchy situation. I'm too close to it to know how to handle it at this point.

The background (sorry, but it's relevant). My white Christian parents adopted my Israeli (middle-eastern)/white Jewish self when I was almost two. The 60's and 70's were rough on mixed kids, and adopted kids, and occassionally Jews, but Mom and Dad took me anyway. They spent 18 yrs trying to make me aware of my cultural/religious heritage (which they knew zip about but tried to learn for my sake), dealing with ethnic hair, and kissing me when I cried 'cause someone called me a n***er. I love them very much.

When I was 18 I got married and embraced orthodox Judaism. I'm now 40, and over the past ten yrs or so have ended up ultra-orthodox. Now comes the problem.

Mom has never been a good cook (okay- food poisoning would actually make some of her stuff taste better). I avoided her cooking my last two two years at home, and have been avoiding it ever since. Mom and Dad are now raising my 2 nieces (4 and 7)- my DH and I love the little monsters and they love us. This means we're over MUCH more often. Which means we get invited to dinner.

1. We keep kosher and they don't. 2. The food is sickening- both DH and I would vomit if we tried to eat it to be polite (he tried it once, despite my warnings).

Because I ate the food as a little kid, Mom can't understand why I won't eat it now. No amount of explaination about religion will do. I don't know how to not hurt her feelings but to make it clear that we will not have dinner there. (Cooking myself at their house doesn't work- they like under/over cooked food with no seasoning!)

Help!

Lisbeth:
I think I'd tell your parents, "Mom, Dad, we love you very much but I think that because our food habits are very different now, let's limit our get-togethers to occasions that don't involve food."

And if they can't handle that, I'd consider still more limitations on contact, up to not having any.

ImperfctMe:
Offer to go out to dinner instead!

ehellion:

--- Quote from: ladiedeathe on December 29, 2006, 01:14:19 PM ---



1. We keep kosher and they don't. 2. The food is sickening- both DH and I would vomit if we tried to eat it to be polite (he tried it once, despite my warnings).

Because I ate the food as a little kid, Mom can't understand why I won't eat it now. No amount of explaination about religion will do. I don't know how to not hurt her feelings but to make it clear that we will not have dinner there. (Cooking myself at their house doesn't work- they like under/over cooked food with no seasoning!)

Help!

--- End quote ---

This sounds tough. Keeping kosher (to me, anyway) is a bit confusing, but I think I finally understand how it works. Obviously Mom is having a hard time understanding (even though she did try to teach you about your heritage as a child.)

I would make sure I eat before I go over and gently explain if Mom insists on you eating her less than tasty food,"No thanks Mom. We already ate. Plus we keep kosher. Remember Mom?" Lather, rinse, repeat. If her feelings get hurt, they get hurt. I'd maybe explain a little more on how the whole kosher thing works everytime you have to politely decline the food, too. One of these days she'll get it. Hopefully. *crossing fingers*

Tabris:
You're mixing two issues here. If you would eat nonkosher food she prepared if it were good, then I'm not sure it's the best idea to hide behind God on this one. OTOH, God is bigger than we are and doesn't want us to eat rotten food either, so He might not mind. Not sure on this.

How strong are they in their own faith? If your parents are observant members of some religion (any religion) then you might be able to appeal to them by explaining, in exhuberant terms, how much it has helped your faith life to keep kosher. You'll know what terms they'll understand best and of course you'll understand your own faith best. But if you speak in glowing terms, with a true enthusiasm, about how it's made you feel very close to God or very strong in your faith or very not-guilty or fully self-actualized or WHATEVER, to *always* keep kosher, then they might understand.

It might be that your mother sees your rejection of her food as a rejection of her. This might have been unintentionally phrased this way, but you said in your post:


--- Quote ---the 60's and 70's were rough on mixed kids, and adopted kids, and occassionally Jews, but Mom and Dad took me anyway.
--- End quote ---

Would your parents happen to have projected onto you the feeling that they were doing you a *favor* by adopting you? Because the way you phrased it, your attachment to them sounds tenuous, as if they might have chosen to walk away and never bond with you. The food issue might be really an issue over love and the other things that food represents in a family. You might want to think a bit about what your mother is *really* upset over rather than just the obvious point of the argument.

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