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Author Topic: Parent won't control their child; now what?  (Read 8831 times)

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MrsJWine

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #30 on: July 06, 2011, 02:53:24 PM »
I'm not a good one to answer this because I am perfectly aware that my stance is not the stance preferred by a majority of parents. I have no problems at all asking a child to please stop an obnoxious behavior. Generally, this mean behavior with the potential to injure someone or something or behavior that directly affects me. I will ask a child who is running inside a store to watch out or slow down. I have intervened on one child hurting another while parent's back is turned. And I have spoken directly to a child when I saw him stick a candy bar in his pocket. So, 9 times out of 10, I'll speak to the kid myself.

If, however, the kid is just annoying, such as throwing a temper tantrum, I'll try to just move away from the child. If that's impossible, say in a restaurant, I will speak to the employee of the store rather than confront the parent.

Is it the majority, though? I only have my own personal experience to go on, but I'm perfectly fine with other people doing this, as are all my other friends with kids; in fact, among my group of friends, when we're together, we kind of all keep an eye on all the kids (I don't expect this of random strangers, of course). I think it's possible there's just a very vocal and volatile minority that overreacts to anyone saying anything less that complimentary to their children.


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Utah

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #31 on: July 06, 2011, 03:50:30 PM »
Interesting point Mrs.JW.  I'm going to be around some moms with young kids tonight and I'm going to get their input on what you just said.

Your theory would make a great editorial follow- up to the Curb Your Brats piece.

Queen of Clubs

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #32 on: July 06, 2011, 04:12:01 PM »
What I've noticed is that many parents don't actually think their children are misbehaving.  They seem to think it's cute or funny or that they are somehow entitled to behave poorly because "their just kids."  Many of these same parents will, however, complain about the exact same types of behavior from other children. 

Because it's only *their* kids who are cute or funny.  Other people's kids are annoying.

And one of the problems with the "just kids" attitude is that the kids don't remain kids.  At some point, they'll grow up, and they'll have no idea how to behave well in public because they'll never have been taught how to behave.  So unless they're perceptive enough to see how others behave, they'll keep on with their 'cute' or 'funny' behaviours that might be cute/funny/not so bad in a 3 year old who doesn't know any better but is absolutely outrageous in a 19 year old who ought to know a heck of a lot better.

AfleetAlex

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #33 on: July 06, 2011, 07:12:48 PM »
I've been known to smile and say, "be careful" to a little kid who almost runs into me, but I'm generally pretty genial. However, if I was being impacted more directly I would probably be more firm in my comment. Like that kid who was punching people at the restaurant! That would have been a problem and I like how the poster handled it.
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Little Girl Blue

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #34 on: July 06, 2011, 10:01:48 PM »
I have plenty of words, but they're not allowed here. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Blue.

Thank you.  The upshot is that now when people speak to me that way, I politely inform them that if they continue to speak to me in that manner they will be asked to leave the store.


Witty Username Goes Here

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #35 on: July 06, 2011, 10:10:27 PM »
If I am present, I do not want anyone else to correct CJ.  He is my child to correct.  He isn't always well behaved, however, I don't ignore him either.

The biggest problem I have is when we're at family events and he is corrected by every.single.person.there.  Aunt and Uncle will correct him, Gramma and Pappy will correct him, The Husband and I correct him - it gets to the point where all you hear is "CJ!  CJ!  CJ!" by 6 different people.  I could understand if I left the room, or if I were ignoring him, but until you see that happening, stay out of it please.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #36 on: July 06, 2011, 10:25:38 PM »
I don't know if it's that some parents think their kids are "just being kids," or they think that parenting is work, and they don't like to do it.  Or they just prefer to raise free-range children.  There are a lot of older parents in my neighborhood, and I have seen and heard their kids do things that would have gotten my butt worn out had I dared to try them.  The parents just stand by, ignoring or mumbling, "Jeffrey, stop that . . "

Shores

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #37 on: July 07, 2011, 02:49:38 AM »
I'm not a good one to answer this because I am perfectly aware that my stance is not the stance preferred by a majority of parents. I have no problems at all asking a child to please stop an obnoxious behavior. Generally, this mean behavior with the potential to injure someone or something or behavior that directly affects me. I will ask a child who is running inside a store to watch out or slow down. I have intervened on one child hurting another while parent's back is turned. And I have spoken directly to a child when I saw him stick a candy bar in his pocket. So, 9 times out of 10, I'll speak to the kid myself.

If, however, the kid is just annoying, such as throwing a temper tantrum, I'll try to just move away from the child. If that's impossible, say in a restaurant, I will speak to the employee of the store rather than confront the parent.

Is it the majority, though? I only have my own personal experience to go on, but I'm perfectly fine with other people doing this, as are all my other friends with kids; in fact, among my group of friends, when we're together, we kind of all keep an eye on all the kids (I don't expect this of random strangers, of course). I think it's possible there's just a very vocal and volatile minority that overreacts to anyone saying anything less that complimentary to their children.
I can't say on a larger scale, to be honest. You may be right that it's simply a more vocal minority. But it does seem to be the majority of parents that I encounter in my every day life. I can't even count the number of people who have expressed amazement/disapproval of the fact that I will correct my nephew/godson even when his parents are right there. They think that I shouldn't say anything, that it's not my place. I don't agree and (thank goodness) neither do his parents. He may not be my blood, but if not for me, his little butt wouldn't even exist (I set his parents up on a blind date when we were 15) and I have a vested interest in how he turns out, so I'll correct him in a heartbeat and even give out punishments with his parents right there. Obviously that's very different from how I would interact with unknown children, but the sentiment's the same.

I have to say, though, for all the grousing I've heard, I have only once (that I can remember) actually received a negative reaction to my interaction with a stranger's child. Scarily enough, that was when I caught a child (about 1 years old) as she tried to climb out of a shopping cart and lost her balance. I prevented that kid from smashing their head into a concrete floor and received a nasty glare and a "mind your own business" for my trouble.  ::)
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squeakers

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #38 on: July 07, 2011, 03:20:53 AM »
I am one of those laid back and let them learn type of parents.  But I do teach basic etiquette.

My boys were not allowed to be annoying in public.  Not even so much as I was worried about what others would think.. but I did not want to hear it/see it.

Having 3 boys, umpteen nieces and nephews and even more great nieces and nephews (some of whom are the same age as my boys due to ~15 years between oldest sibling and me) I have no problem stopping kids from doing things that are dangerous or merely annoying.

Case in point: at the 4th of July town get together a kind local donated a jumpy house for any kid to jump in.  While my 10 year old jumped I watched.. and was one of the only parents watching the kids.  At one point 4 kids were in a side.. squished down and could have been injured by the other 8 jumping.  I yelled and made all the kids stop jumping until they got out of the fold.

The kids stopped jumping.  No one was upset.  They resumed jumping once all kids were in a safe spot.

Next year I may not feel the need to watch like a hawk my youngest.  But he will be 11 by then and a bit too old to do stupid stuff.  At least I hope so: he has had basic gun safety, fire safety and me pounding basic etiquette into him.  And he is one of those scary smart kids.. much like I was at his age.

I have hope: his older brothers are awesome in public and at others' homes.  At home.. well, they are teens.  ;)

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T'Mar of Vulcan

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #39 on: July 07, 2011, 04:13:04 AM »
I do speak to misbehaving children because I'm a teacher. I remember once being in a pizza place with some friends and two small kids (I'd guess around 4-6 years) were running up and down between the booths and screaming. On about the fifth time, I leaned into the aisle and said, "STOP THAT NOW," in my "teacher voice". The kids went back to their booth and my friends' eyes were like  :o . One said, "Gee, you really ARE a teacher." I said, "Yup!" and continued eating. The kids never bothered us again.

Once a child kicked me trying to climb over a shelf in a bookshop. I WAS standing in the aisle, but it's one of those shops where they put the metal revolving shelves all around and you basically have nowhere to stand to spin the thing round except in the aisle. I said, "Don't you say 'excuse me'?" The mother freaked out, "He's only eight!" I said, "Well, he kicked me." She let loose with some expletives but I just ignored her. Rude woman.


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Spoder

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #40 on: July 07, 2011, 05:45:34 AM »
If I am present, I do not want anyone else to correct CJ.  He is my child to correct.  He isn't always well behaved, however, I don't ignore him either.

The biggest problem I have is when we're at family events and he is corrected by every.single.person.there.  Aunt and Uncle will correct him, Gramma and Pappy will correct him, The Husband and I correct him - it gets to the point where all you hear is "CJ!  CJ!  CJ!" by 6 different people.  I could understand if I left the room, or if I were ignoring him, but until you see that happening, stay out of it please.

I'm truly not trying to be obscure, but I don't really understand. If you haven't left the room, and you're not ignoring him, then you would know if he is misbehaving. Therefore, why do   they feel as if they need to correct him? Are they chiming in over the top of you?

One possibility is that they're being overly picky, and they're over-correcting him. However, it might also be that they are bothered by behaviour that may not bother you. If it's behaviour that affects them, I think they have a right to correct him (within reason). Or do you want them to ask you to ask him to stop?


jaxsue

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #41 on: July 07, 2011, 07:16:54 AM »
If I am present, I do not want anyone else to correct CJ.  He is my child to correct.  He isn't always well behaved, however, I don't ignore him either.

The biggest problem I have is when we're at family events and he is corrected by every.single.person.there.  Aunt and Uncle will correct him, Gramma and Pappy will correct him, The Husband and I correct him - it gets to the point where all you hear is "CJ!  CJ!  CJ!" by 6 different people.  I could understand if I left the room, or if I were ignoring him, but until you see that happening, stay out of it please.

I'm truly not trying to be obscure, but I don't really understand. If you haven't left the room, and you're not ignoring him, then you would know if he is misbehaving. Therefore, why do   they feel as if they need to correct him? Are they chiming in over the top of you?

One possibility is that they're being overly picky, and they're over-correcting him. However, it might also be that they are bothered by behaviour that may not bother you. If it's behaviour that affects them, I think they have a right to correct him (within reason). Or do you want them to ask you to ask him to stop?

I agree with you. I try to avoid correcting others' kids (if parent is present) but there are times you just have no choice. Several years ago I knew a family whose DS, around age 4, loved to kick people. And he wore cowboy boots. It hurt, real bad. Parents said nothing, did nothing. Why did we put up with it so long? Looking back, I don't know. I'd certainly act faster now.

The last straw was when I was pregnant (I know that's not a disability) and the kid kicked me yet again. X-DH got into kid's face and told him in very strict terms not to ever do that again! Kid's eyes were huge; it's as if the word "no" had never been used. The parents said nothing to us, but the boy didn't kick either of us again.

Note: I'm not saying that that the PP's CJ is like the boy in my situation. I'm just saying that these parents chose to overlook a behavior that, IMHO, is one that should be nipped in the bud ASAP.

HermioneGranger

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #42 on: July 07, 2011, 07:51:48 AM »
I don't know if it's that some parents think their kids are "just being kids," or they think that parenting is work, and they don't like to do it.  Or they just prefer to raise free-range children.  There are a lot of older parents in my neighborhood, and I have seen and heard their kids do things that would have gotten my butt worn out had I dared to try them.  The parents just stand by, ignoring or mumbling, "Jeffrey, stop that . . "

Hee.  Anyone remember the "Jeffrey" story told by Bill Cosby?   >:D

Technically, I could be considered an "older" parent.  Luckily, DH and I are on the same page about discipline, as we both refuse to be parents to "that child" that no ones wants to be around because they've never been taught how to behave.  And yes, my rear would have been grass if I ever acted like the majority of kids that currently live on my street, and so would his. 

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #43 on: July 07, 2011, 08:07:24 AM »
I think some people lose sight of the fact that it's a lot easier to discipline children when they're small as opposed to when they're preteens and teenagers. 

I always figured it would be easier when they're young cause once they're taller than me, they might not take me as seriously! LOL!   And it doesn't take much for them to become taller than me, since I'm short. (5'2")
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

jaxsue

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Re: Parent won't control their child; now what?
« Reply #44 on: July 07, 2011, 08:37:13 AM »
Hee.  Anyone remember the "Jeffrey" story told by Bill Cosby?

Yes! Hilarious bit.  :D