Hot and Never Bothered...The Evil Advice Columnist

[Lisbeth]

All right, folks, let's set those fingers on that keyboard and start a-clicking.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Lady Snowdon]

Dear MeanReader,

I'm having a problem with one of my cousins that I hope you can help me with.  I invited her and her husband over to my house for the birthday party I'm throwing for myself.  When she RSVP'd yes, I told her it was a potluck, and she needed to bring meat, beer (or other adult beverages, I'm not picky) and a side to share.  To my surprise, she emailed me the next day apologizing and saying something had come up, and they would no longer be able to attend.  I can't believe she has the gall to do this!  How else am I going to get my present from her?  She's family!  She has to come!  Plus, she was going to be bringing most of the meal!  Tell me MeanReader, how can I get my cousin and her hubby to attend, and bring most of the food so I don't have to do too much work?

Confused by Cousin's lack of faaaammmiiillllly-ness

[Lisbeth]

Dear Confused,

Since your cousin won't bring the party to you, you must bring it to her.

Change only one thing about your plans: the location.  Move it to her home (after making sure you have control of all keys and security systems).  Help yourself to the contents of her refrigerator and cabinets and/or otherwise have the party catered at her expense. 

Just make sure the security understands "her home, your rules" and doesn't toss you out for this like anyone else's would.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[lilfox]

Dear Meanreader,

There's a woman I know from church who is 7 mos pregnant.  I found out through the grapevine that she was having a shower thrown for her, so naturally I reminded her that I hadn't yet received an invitation.  I certainly didn't want her to feel embarrassed at the oversight!  Anyway, as I extracted more details from her, it came out that her theme is just all wrong, the food definitely won't be special enough (my favorite saffron-dusted, macademia-truffle cupcakes won't be served!), and the time really doesn't work for me.

Since her hostesses are clearly doing a subpar job, how should I handle informing them of the changes they need to make?  Please hurry, as I need to let them know those cupcakes are to be special-ordered ASAP.

- "Auntie" To Be

[Lisbeth]

Dear "Auntie" To Be,

Don't waste your time informing them.  Just take over from them.  Go ahead and order those saffron-dusted, macadamia-truffle cupcakes and do everything else that needs to be done-at your own home, on your own time and dime.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[nyarlathotep]

Dear Meanreader,

I'm planning my fourth baby shower for my youngest--the theme is "expensive spa packages for mommy"--but I've hit upon a dilemma. One of the girls in my team at work is diabetic, and I don't want to have to go to the trouble of buying special cakes and fizzy drinks when all the other ladies attending have the decency not to be so dang fussy about the amount of sugar they eat. What's the etiquette regarding buying normal cupcakes, taking the labels off them, and just saying they're sugar free? It always worked for my vegetarian cousins.

Yours in frustration,

Hostess with the Mostess

[CakeBeret]

Dear Mean Reader,

I got married about 2.5 years ago, and had two wedding showers. People got me all sorts of gifts, but they were almost all under $20. How tacky! Now my cousin is getting married, and getting all sorts of expensive gifts! I have been shortchanged. How do I finagle a redo shower and get the message across that I need nicer things? That Roomba isn't going to buy itself!

Sincerely,

Gotta Get What's Due to Me

*edited because I misspelled finagle

[Lisbeth]

Dear Hostess with the Mostess,

Unfortunately, stating that cupcakes are sugar-free when they are not is rude (not to mention the legal liabilities that could result from doing this).  I'm sure you don't have the money it would take to defend yourself in a lawsuit for wrongful death and/or illness to her resulting from her eating the cupcakes.

There is a better way to deal with this: Just leave Ms. Diabetic off the guest list.  Even if she finds out at work from everyone else on the team that she wasn't invited and they were, so what?  She doesn't have the right to expect you to provide sugar-free goodies just for her.  And if she cuts up at work because of it?  That's unprofessional.  Let her get fired for it.  Then you'll never have to deal with her again.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Lisbeth]

Dear Gotta Get What's Due To Me,

The best way to make up for the discrepancy is to be in a position to marry again.  Of course, that means going to the trouble of divorcing your current spouse, which means coming up with funds to hire attorneys, therapists, doctors to diagnose abuse (physical, mental, and sexual) in the lives of yourself and your children, detectives to locate any offshore income your spouse is hiding and find ways for you to hide your own income, divvying up the known assets and income, and of course convincing everyone in your life that the divorce is for the best, including the kiddies.

Then you need to find someone to marry, who is willing to accept the kids.

Once you're engaged, it'll all be worth it.  And this time, register for the right gifts-and make sure everyone knows about it by putting the registry information in your invitations and on your website.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Daffydilly]

Dear Hot and Never Bothered,

My daughter was shipped overseas to Europe for her first base. But when I told her to keep the couch free for me, she said she was living in the dorms. Where am I going to stay? I was expecting her to cover the cost of the flight over and provide the basics when I get there. What do I do to make sure she knows her place in my vacation plans?

The Corn Queen

[Kimblee]

Der Mean Reader,

I'm friends with a younger woman, four years my junior, and I can't seem to get her to realize that I should be respected as her elder. I have mobility issues, and she expects me to carry my own purse and keys. I even have to strap myself into her car and give her gas money! Its just twenty miles to the doctor and back, deal with it!

I buy her lunch, so that means she has to wait on me and take me shopping, I don't care if its hot outside and she's getting sunburnt from unloading and reloading me and my shopping at six places. And she complains that she thought she was just taking me to the doctor. I bought her lunch after all. Then she has the nerve to complain that all my shopping means we have to drive in rush hour and she wanted to be back before the traffic got bad!

I love her, she's like my baby sister, but I've gotta make her see that I must be obeyed.

Any advice?

Big Sister

[Lisbeth]

Dear Corn Queen,

Charge her for the costs of your cruise around the Mediterranean Sea and your stay in Paris, Venice, and Mykonos.  But realize that you'll be vacationing alone...unless you meet a really hot guy in one of those places or on the cruise ship.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

[Lisbeth]

Dear Big Sister,

Since you are She Who Must Be Obeyed, you need to get that sunk into her unconsciousness.  Swing your gold antique watch in front of her face and say, "You must obey me" until she follows through.

If that doesn't work, sue her for breaching her contract to be your personal slave.  Start saving now for a lengthy court battle!

Ta-ta!

MeanReader