Author Topic: used a variation with my ex  (Read 3366 times)

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rain

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used a variation with my ex
« on: December 04, 2011, 10:18:41 PM »
- let me start by saying I have been trying to set boundaries, when we were married I was the one who made the money "work" - I have tried to be nice (let him know about school picts., etc), but his normal M.O. when he orders school picts., etc is to pay back anywhere from 2 weeks - 8 weeks later and I'm done with it. 

A week ago, when I met ex midway between our two places, ex asked to borrow $ for gas so he could get home (he did this in front of our DS  >:().  I told him I didn't have the cash - and left with DS.   (I didn't have the cash, but I wasn't going to charge it either)

DS and I had a talk about how I felt, how he felt, and financial responsibility  (btw - I felt awful & sick to my stomach, etc. - and yes later I cried about it)

Then, once home, I discovered that ex had ordered from DS's school fundraiser, but hadn't included $ or a check  ::).  DS told ex over the phone that he'd have to pay before the orders were due...ex ponied up a check.

This was not the first time he's asked for $ in front of our DS (and last time it was rather obvious that I wanted to say no)... and he promised to mail a check as soon as he got home (his debt card was declined at a restaurant where he & DS had eaten).  He didn't pay until I called & asked if the check had gotten lost in the mail - about 9 days later - his excuse? "I forgot."  ::)

"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

Seraphim

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2011, 06:34:20 AM »
As hard as it is to keep saying no, especially in front of your son, I think it is important.

Not only for you to keep an arms length from your ex, and not letting him suck you into old patterns again, but it is also important for your DS to see. Your DS needs to understand that he cant go through life with his hand out, and needs to learn financial responsibility.

You also want to put a stop to it while it is only donations and dinner he is asking for, before it becomes rent and car payments. Give em an inch and they will take a mile.

I think 'Sorry, that wont be possible' is perfect in this situation. Firm but totally polite. Stick to your guns and polish up the steel spine.

Good luck!



Nora

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2011, 08:15:30 AM »
Keep saying no. He's asking you in front of your child because he knows it increases his chances of getting cash out of you. You had the talk about money with your son, now just keep saying no to your moocher ex!
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

BeagleMommy

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2011, 02:57:04 PM »
What your ex is doing is manipulative.  He so sure you won't want to be the bad guy in front of your DS that he thinks nothing of putting you on the spot.  You may not change his behavior, but you will teach your DS that you can't manipulate people into doing what you want.

PastryGoddess

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2011, 11:57:44 PM »
I had an ex like this (no kids though)  While I never said no, I did learn to say over and over "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and variations thereof.  Eventually I started making it a joke and I would start to quiz him about how he could afford the latest and greatest gadget that he was bragging about but not a sandwich and coke. 

...funnily enough we no longer talk...I can't imagine why >:D

rain

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2011, 04:14:16 PM »
I had an ex like this (no kids though)  While I never said no, I did learn to say over and over "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and variations thereof.  Eventually I started making it a joke and I would start to quiz him about how he could afford the latest and greatest gadget that he was bragging about but not a sandwich and coke. 

...funnily enough we no longer talk...I can't imagine why >:D


LOL.... according to DS his dad has told him that he (ex) is going to take DS to Disney (which  I have done), he has bought an Ipod doc (after I got one for 2nd DH last Xmas), etc... 

I'm coming to realize (more than 10 yrs post divorce) that ex was not the man I thought he was, but is still always who he has been. (if that makes sense... I was blind, youngish, & dumb)
"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

PastryGoddess

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2011, 11:17:17 PM »
Quote
I'm coming to realize (more than 10 yrs post divorce) that ex was not the man I thought he was, but is still always who he has been. (if that makes sense... I was blind, youngish, & dumb)

Oh yes!  I have finally realized that it's not me..it's them.  I'm quick to drop a guy like he has bubonic plague if I start to get the whole "if you loved me, you'd do what I want"  I've realized that that phrase is a line in a blues song...not real life.

Who cares if that makes me a commitmentphobe.  When I find the right guy, it will be amazing and we will take over the world  :D

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: used a variation with my ex
« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2011, 12:36:46 PM »
When you say no, you are setting an example for your son.  The time may come when the Ex starts trying to mooch off his own child.  My niece’s father has manipulated her for money since she was very young.  He does things like saying, “Want to go to McDonald’s?” and then when she says yes, it turns out he has no cash (but knows she has birthday money or whatever).  He has conned her time and time again.  It upsets her, but she doesn’t know how to say no.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.