General Etiquette > Family and Children

friend had a miscarriage

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hobish:

I am not sure this should be in Family & Children or Life in General ... i'll move it if need be.

My best friend had ~another~ miscarriage. The 2nd in a year. She seemed ok when it happened, other than the expected sadness & wanting to stay home & snuggle with her fiance.

I hope this isn't TMI...

She has now started her normal cycle again, and now is a complete wreck. She's dealing with all kinds of physical & mental pain that i can't even begin to imagine.
Is there anything i can do? Of course i ask & she says no, but maybe she is just saying it ...
I know there is nothing i can say, but i'm sure there are things NOT NOT NOT to say...

I did look on-line & got some ideas; but knowing how good the advice is on-line pertaining to weddings & other things, and this being such an intensely personal topic, i'd thought i'd ask the e-hellions.

housewife2k:
I would make sure she knew I was available if she needed me, let her SO know you are available if HE needs you, and for the most part leave it at that. She is dealing wih a myriad of emotions, and might not want or need anything from you today, and tomorrow might need someone to yell and cry to, and a week from now might need someone who makes it OK to laugh.  Whatever you do, please do not tell her that she can concieve again-it will not help-the thoughts of conception also can bring about dread of losing another one. You sound like a good friend.

Brentwood:

--- Quote from: hobgoblinish on December 29, 2006, 02:19:41 PM ---
I am not sure this should be in Family & Children or Life in General ... i'll move it if need be.

My best friend had ~another~ miscarriage. The 2nd in a year. She seemed ok when it happened, other than the expected sadness & wanting to stay home & snuggle with her fiance.

I hope this isn't TMI...

She has now started her normal cycle again, and now is a complete wreck. She's dealing with all kinds of physical & mental pain that i can't even begin to imagine.
Is there anything i can do? Of course i ask & she says no, but maybe she is just saying it ...
I know there is nothing i can say, but i'm sure there are things NOT NOT NOT to say...

I did look on-line & got some ideas; but knowing how good the advice is on-line pertaining to weddings & other things, and this being such an intensely personal topic, i'd thought i'd ask the e-hellions.





--- End quote ---

If she says she doesn't want anything, believe her. After my first miscarriage (which required a D&C), I really just wanted to curl up and be alone. Let her husband know you are there for them, and then let it be for a few days. I'm sorry for your friend and her husband.  :(

Lexophile:
Hob -

I think you did exactly what you were supposed to. I had a friend who carried her child to term after a difficult pregnancy, then lost the babay after one day (SEVERE negligence on the part of the hospital - but that's another post). I'm one of those people who is afraid to say anything because I always say the wrong thing. So I didn't say anything. Which is the MOST wrong thing to do. She never got over it, and we are not friends anymore because of it. The thing you fear worst will come upon you.

You have offered. You have shown yourself to be an excellent friend. I know the compulsion to try and share the burden, but something this deeply personal may be too fresh right now for you to help. I'm sure that, in time, she will want to talk about it, and you being there will be invaluable to her.

Gileswench:
I'm going to echo the advice already given: be available however she needs you when she needs you, but give her the space to come to you. I also agree that it would be good to let the father know you're there for him, too. At a time like this, it's easy for the father to get lost in the shuffle as everyone does their best to comfort the grieving mother.

It's hard, sometimes, to accept that the best thing you can do is wait for them to come to you. If they don't come to you, then reiterate your offer gently in a few days. Don't crowd, but make sure it's very clear you're there whenever they need you in whatever way they need you. It's not an easy balancing act, but it can be done. And whether or not they turn to you, your friends probably appreciate your willingness to help out more than you know.

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