friend had a miscarriage

[hobish]

I am not sure this should be in Family & Children or Life in General ... i'll move it if need be.

My best friend had ~another~ miscarriage. The 2nd in a year. She seemed ok when it happened, other than the expected sadness & wanting to stay home & snuggle with her fiance.

I hope this isn't TMI...

She has now started her normal cycle again, and now is a complete wreck. She's dealing with all kinds of physical & mental pain that i can't even begin to imagine.
Is there anything i can do? Of course i ask & she says no, but maybe she is just saying it ...
I know there is nothing i can say, but i'm sure there are things NOT NOT NOT to say...

I did look on-line & got some ideas; but knowing how good the advice is on-line pertaining to weddings & other things, and this being such an intensely personal topic, i'd thought i'd ask the e-hellions.

[housewife2k]

I would make sure she knew I was available if she needed me, let her SO know you are available if HE needs you, and for the most part leave it at that. She is dealing wih a myriad of emotions, and might not want or need anything from you today, and tomorrow might need someone to yell and cry to, and a week from now might need someone who makes it OK to laugh.  Whatever you do, please do not tell her that she can concieve again-it will not help-the thoughts of conception also can bring about dread of losing another one. You sound like a good friend.

[Brentwood]

I am not sure this should be in Family & Children or Life in General ... i'll move it if need be.

My best friend had ~another~ miscarriage. The 2nd in a year. She seemed ok when it happened, other than the expected sadness & wanting to stay home & snuggle with her fiance.

I hope this isn't TMI...

She has now started her normal cycle again, and now is a complete wreck. She's dealing with all kinds of physical & mental pain that i can't even begin to imagine.
Is there anything i can do? Of course i ask & she says no, but maybe she is just saying it ...
I know there is nothing i can say, but i'm sure there are things NOT NOT NOT to say...

I did look on-line & got some ideas; but knowing how good the advice is on-line pertaining to weddings & other things, and this being such an intensely personal topic, i'd thought i'd ask the e-hellions.

If she says she doesn't want anything, believe her. After my first miscarriage (which required a D&C), I really just wanted to curl up and be alone. Let her husband know you are there for them, and then let it be for a few days. I'm sorry for your friend and her husband. 

[Lexophile]

Hob -

I think you did exactly what you were supposed to. I had a friend who carried her child to term after a difficult pregnancy, then lost the babay after one day (SEVERE negligence on the part of the hospital - but that's another post). I'm one of those people who is afraid to say anything because I always say the wrong thing. So I didn't say anything. Which is the MOST wrong thing to do. She never got over it, and we are not friends anymore because of it. The thing you fear worst will come upon you.

You have offered. You have shown yourself to be an excellent friend. I know the compulsion to try and share the burden, but something this deeply personal may be too fresh right now for you to help. I'm sure that, in time, she will want to talk about it, and you being there will be invaluable to her.

[Gileswench]

I'm going to echo the advice already given: be available however she needs you when she needs you, but give her the space to come to you. I also agree that it would be good to let the father know you're there for him, too. At a time like this, it's easy for the father to get lost in the shuffle as everyone does their best to comfort the grieving mother.

It's hard, sometimes, to accept that the best thing you can do is wait for them to come to you. If they don't come to you, then reiterate your offer gently in a few days. Don't crowd, but make sure it's very clear you're there whenever they need you in whatever way they need you. It's not an easy balancing act, but it can be done. And whether or not they turn to you, your friends probably appreciate your willingness to help out more than you know.

[Tabris]

Hobgoblinish: How are you doing?
Friend: I'm okay..
Hobgoblinish: No, how are you *really* doing?

That lets her know you're there for her because you asked twice, and the second time, you take "okay" for an answer if that's what she says. But I'm betting t he floodgates come down at that point.

---

Send her a card to let her know you're thinking of her. That's something she can hold onto. One of the pains of miscarriage is that so many people act as if the baby never existed, and because many times there's no burial or funeral, the mother begins to feel she's grieving over nothing. A card will arrive when she's alone, doesn't require a response or a reaction, and gives her something to hold.

You're a good friend.

[HogwartsAlum]

Hob -

I think you did exactly what you were supposed to. I had a friend who carried her child to term after a difficult pregnancy, then lost the babay after one day (SEVERE negligence on the part of the hospital - but that's another post). I'm one of those people who is afraid to say anything because I always say the wrong thing. So I didn't say anything. Which is the MOST wrong thing to do. She never got over it, and we are not friends anymore because of it. The thing you fear worst will come upon you.

You have offered. You have shown yourself to be an excellent friend. I know the compulsion to try and share the burden, but something this deeply personal may be too fresh right now for you to help. I'm sure that, in time, she will want to talk about it, and you being there will be invaluable to her.

hobgoblinish, I agree that you have shown her that you care, and being there when she needs to talk will be the best thing you can do. 

Redleo, I'm sorry your friendship ended.  When my friend had a miscarriage, she called me (we live kind of far from each other) and told me and I just said "I'm so sorry."  I'm like you; I really don't know what to say a lot of times, and it was really hard.  I don't have children, so I could not really relate to what she was going through, but saying I was sorry helped her.  She talked to me for a while about how she was feeling and I just let her talk and cry.  I wish your friend would know that you cared even though it was hard for you to say the right words. 

[Clara Bow]

My best friend had a miscarriage while I was pregnant which made the experience doubly hard for both of us as we had looked so foward to being pregnant together. I gave her her space and as soon as she was able we talked about it. I checked on her daily, and I let her and her husband know that I was there for them. It was very awkward, especially when she would ask (with genuine interest) how my pregnancy was going and when she came to see me in the hospital. But it was worth it to know that I was able to be there for her when she was in pain.
Send her flowers, and maybe cook a meal for her and her husband. Let her know that you respect her space and that you'll be checking in regularly just to hear her voice. Let her set the tone and let her talk about it or not in her own time.
You are a very good friend to be so concerned for her. You are both in my thoughts.

[sammycat]

Having lost 3 pregnancies myself (1 miscarriage, 2 ectopic), one thing I will say is do NOT tell her "it was for the best", 'these things happen for a reason" or "better luck next time".  And certainly do not say "I'm glad it was you and not me" as was said to me by a "friend" when we were both pregnant for the first time and I rang to tell her mine had jsut been diagnosed as ectopic. I'm sure that you wouldn't dream of making these comments but these are the sorts of things she will probably be told by other people.  A card is a good thing to send as it gives some reality to the baby that was conceived, even though s/he never had a chance to be born.  Also, remember to ask her husband/SO how he is coping as he has lost a future life too.

A few weeks after my miscarriage I was at a function and got upset.  I quickly excused myself to have some privacy and to not embarrass other people.  One friend, who was pregnant with her the 4th (or was it 5th?) baby, didn't know what to say so she whipped out her baby's latest ultrasound picture to show me!  I know it wasn't done with malice but still...

Another friend had a baby last year and the baby died when she was a month old.  My friend couldn't believe some of the things that were said to her, by people who were trying to be well meaning but came across as anything but.  In some cases saying nothing would have been better.

The best thing you can do for your friend is to tell her how sorry you are and offer her a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. 

[ladiedeathe]

When a good friend lost a baby a few years ago I sent a card that had pretty flowers on the front. Inside I just wrote "I love you, and I'm so sorry. Right now my schedule at work is XXXXX, and I'm home on XXXXX through XXXXXX. You know the numbers, call me at either place at any time. If there's anything you need I'll be there, even if it's just to hold your hand and cry with you." And then I left it alone. She called me the day she got it and we spent the night crying and talking.

[Heavenly]

I had a miscarriage at the end of September.

I thought I was handling it alright until I had my first period after the D&C.  It was like someone took a sledgehammer to my heart.  It just seemed so...final and unfair.  I didn't want to see anyone for a week...I didn't want to be reminded of all of our friends who were still pregnant (yes, I had someone list them all for me) or have someone who didn't know ask me how the ms was going.  Mostly, I didn't want to break down in front of anyone and have to explain why...again.

Your friend needs your love and silence right now.  When she's ready to talk...she'll call.  A baked treat with a short note (thinking of you) is a great way to let her know you're still around and supporting her without intruding on her grief.  Let her pick her time.

I'm sorry to hear of her loss, but I'm glad she has a good friend to help her out.
 

[hobish]

Thank you.

I knew this was the best place to ask for advice.

I'm going to send her a card. We've always had a Winnie the Pooh (her) / Tigger (me) theme throughout our friendship - i'm going to skip any reference to that. The nursery was going to be made in that theme; now is not the time for that kind of reference. Oddly, i don't know her fiance that well, so i think i will make it a plain "thinking of you" card addressed to both of them, and send some flowers if i can afford it. Do you think that will be ok?

She knows when i am available, even though lately we communicate mostly via e-mail because our schedules are so different. I'll definitely reinforce that i am here & try to balance that with not intruding.

[Ticia]

When my sister in law had her second miscarriage in a year, I brought her a big basket of chocolate candy (candy bars, etc.) and a card that said how sorry I was.

[Ticia]

Another friend had a baby last year and the baby died when she was a month old.  My friend couldn't believe some of the things that were said to her, by people who were trying to be well meaning but came across as anything but.  In some cases saying nothing would have been better.

One of the comments that stands out to me the most after I had my miscarriage came from a neighbor. I was visiting with her and another woman from my church in her home. The subject came up and I tried to change it, but she would have none of it. She kept going on and on about it.

Then she started talking about her daughter, who had a miscarriage on the plane on her way to a vacation. She (my neighbor) was *laughing* about it. Saying "The poor thing. There she was on the plane and bleeding all over..." *chuckles* "I mean, what could she do?"

I wanted to melt into the floor at that point. I can't believe what some people will say.

[andi]

hugs to your friend.  and huge kudo's to you for trying to do what's best for her and not the most comfortable for you.  you are a very good friend.

i think a nice "thinking of you" card and maybe a dish of something would be nice.  i took a meal (lasagna, bread, salad in a bag) to some friend's of ours after her 4th miscarriage in a year (they didn't live near us before)  i honestly didn't know what else to do - and she definately had not felt like cooking or cleaning or anything else.  it my way of letting her know we were here for them no matter what.