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Author Topic: "That's just not going to work"  (Read 11162 times)

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Zogs

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"That's just not going to work"
« on: July 12, 2011, 06:37:23 PM »
DF has a friend, Aaron, who lives in Virginia.  Aaron has a habit of randomly coming to New York and letting people know the day before if they can hang out, and then it's a scramble to make plans.

Aaron and my DF are pretty good friends, so DF is always in the scramble to see him.  Aaron called yesterday to let DF know that he was coming.  However, I had major orthopedic surgery 3 weeks ago, and I am in a cast up to my knee.  I am also non-weight bearing.  I have an appointment tomorrow night at 8:00 p.m, which means that DF has to come home from work, cook dinner and then help me in the shower.  It's a long and frustrating process, and we have 3 more weeks of this.

Aaron wanted to see DF right after work, and I could see DF "hemming and hawing" about saying no, so he hung up with Aaron so we could talk about it.  My mother could come over and cook, but helping me in the shower would be difficult for her - she's 77 with a gigantic aneurysm.  And I don't want my mother in law here, she's a nice lady, but she only helps *so much*.  Get the picture?

I asked my DF if he could please come home from work, if we could eat, and then get me showered so I can go to my appointment?  I asked if FMIL could drive me, even though the thought makes me cringe because she is so NOSY and I am going to my OCD specialist.  He asked me to change my appointment.  I said that it wasn't going to work, because my mother is having her aneurysm surgery soon, and I have to fit in a number of appointments for BOTH of us before then, and rescheduling might throw off everything else.  He looked disappointed, and I felt like a terrible, horrible ogre.

He eventually agreed to come home, cook and get me showered so his Mom can take me to my appointment.  Aaron is coming at 7:00 when we are done, but I can tell that DF doesn't think it's enough time with his friend.

I feel like a selfish person, did I misuse the "that's not going to work"?  I was never mean or snotty or anything.  I am tired more than anything.  Should I have done something differently?
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Giggity

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2011, 06:46:28 PM »
If it were me, I'd have said, "Nope, sorry, evening's set. Aaron will come back into town in two weeks, and you can see him then, although it'd be preferable if he gives us a couple days' notice."

I cannot stand consistently spur-of-the-moment plans. People who never plan anything set me on edge.
Words mean things.

mlooney

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2011, 06:52:16 PM »
This will hopefully be one of the few times you are so incapacitated. From your post, it seems like Aaron pops up regularly. Your DF will have other opportunities to spend time with Aaron. I don't think you were asking too much at all. In fact, I don't think your DF should have given it any thought at all. You need him, and he should be there for you.

During your long life together, there will be plenty of times that each of you have to give up things due to unforeseen circumstances. Most of them will be forgotten and relegated under the heading of 'living life' This from someone coming up on their 35th wedding anniversary.

BeagleMommy

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2011, 07:25:25 PM »
How are you being selfish?  You are in a cast and cannot do some things without help.  Your DF should not have thought twice.  All he needed to say to Aaron was "Sorry, she needs me.  See you next time you're in.".

Zogs

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2011, 12:53:10 AM »
DF and I had a rip roaring fight over this tonight.

He was kind of brooding over it, and when I asked him what was wrong, he was like "You know Aaron texted me last week and said he would be here".  Of course, DF heard nothing until today about Aaron showing up tomorrow.  Until tonight (at 7:00), we had no idea if he was still coming or not.  And the last 2 times Aaron was in New York, he blew DF off.  So, I pointed this out tonight to DF, who agreed with me that Aaron is a flake, but still - Aaron DID text last week.  That somehow makes a difference to DF.  Color me nutty, but if someone from out of state is coming to visit, I would like to hear from them more than once in a casual "you know, I think I am planning to come to New York next week" kind of thing.

They also have no formal plans.  Supposedly Aaron is coming to our new apartment at 7:00 tomorrow, but they made no mention of directions or anything else.  They are just going to text sometime during the day and "firm it up".  At this point, I almost slapped DF (well, not really) because DF works someplace where he can't call or text, and Aaron is driving in tomorrow, and stopping in Brooklyn to visit people.  I know it's not going to work out, and I am going to be left with my nosy as ehell FMIL driving me to my OCD specialist, who will then be all up in my business and I will have to break out the bean dip a zillion times, because she can't take a hint or an outright "I don't care to discuss that" or "I'm afraid that's not possible".  The woman is a 60 year old steamroller.

Okay, rant over. 

Somehow, in the end, I am still coming out looking like the bad one in all of this.  :(
Rub it on, nose to tail, rail to rail...

iradney

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2011, 01:04:04 AM »
What if you were to present to DF as "if you were in the situation I am in, would you be resentful towards me or my friend if we did this?" You are NOT the bad person. You have a medical situation that kind of requires assistance, and I honestly feel that you are being more understanding (and accomodating) than your DF is.
It is not who is right, but what is right, that is of importance.
-Thomas Huxley

Nemesis

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2011, 01:22:58 AM »
"Honey, I know Aaron is an important friend. But I'm having surgery and I need you. You're my partner and I really need you to support me on this."

rhirhi

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2011, 02:24:50 AM »
So what if Aaron texted that he *might* be around this week? You didn't have the major surgery suddenly. It was 3 weeks ago. You didn't spring this appointment on your SO, I'm fairly certain your SO was around when the appointment was made, based on your limited mobility.

This should have been settled last week with 'Hey, Aaron, Zogs had surgery a few weeks ago, and needs my help. If she doesn't have an appointment the day you are here, you can come over and chill with us, but otherwise, I will have to catch you next time.'

greencat

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2011, 02:51:36 AM »
I can only offer hugs to you, Zogs, because I've been in nearly the exact same situation (incapacitated by an injury, not a surgery, but I wasn't moving much at all for a month) and nothing got through to my then-boyfriend that he should REALLY be putting me first for once, because I actually really needed the help.  His treatment of me during my one major health crisis of our whole relationship compared to how much I helped him through his nearly constant and mostly self-inflicted health issues played a major part in my split with him.

I'm not saying you should split with your DF, but you need to sit him down and lay down the fact that if you're going to be together, taking care of YOU when you really need it has to be more important to him than a visit from a flaky and frequently seen friend.  Furthermore, he is breaking plans with you to see his friend - and yes, a doctor's appointment counts as plans, even if they aren't fun plans - which makes this an etiquette issue in that way as well.  It's inherently rude and you should point out to him that you'd be just as angry if the two of you had plans to go see a play and he blew you off to make tentative plans with his buddy, leaving you to see the play with whatever friend or relative you could find free that evening.


missmolly

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2011, 03:07:20 AM »
I can only offer hugs to you, Zogs, because I've been in nearly the exact same situation (incapacitated by an injury, not a surgery, but I wasn't moving much at all for a month) and nothing got through to my then-boyfriend that he should REALLY be putting me first for once, because I actually really needed the help.  His treatment of me during my one major health crisis of our whole relationship compared to how much I helped him through his nearly constant and mostly self-inflicted health issues played a major part in my split with him.

I'm not saying you should split with your DF, but you need to sit him down and lay down the fact that if you're going to be together, taking care of YOU when you really need it has to be more important to him than a visit from a flaky and frequently seen friend.  Furthermore, he is breaking plans with you to see his friend - and yes, a doctor's appointment counts as plans, even if they aren't fun plans - which makes this an etiquette issue in that way as well.  It's inherently rude and you should point out to him that you'd be just as angry if the two of you had plans to go see a play and he blew you off to make tentative plans with his buddy, leaving you to see the play with whatever friend or relative you could find free that evening.

POD. You shouldn't feel like the bad guy here.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

MerryCat

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2011, 11:56:29 AM »
((((Zogs)))) You are not the bad guy here.  You are hurt and desperately need your DF's help right now. If the shoe were on the other foot, would your DF really be okay with being stranded so that you could go hang out with a girlfriend who will probably be back again in a couple of weeks anyway? I understand that he wants to see his friend. But needs trump wants every time. This is part of the "in sickness and in health" that he's signing up for. And if he doesn't stick by you now, why should you treat him any differently when it's his turn to need your help?

Steve

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2011, 12:16:28 PM »
POD to the rest... his bad... he needs to learn.... I can not believe he actually fought with you about this.... probably with your cast in plain sight.... he sounds like a selfish boar to me (sorry for the offence)



ydpubs

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2011, 01:03:42 PM »
POD to the rest... his bad... he needs to learn.... I can not believe he actually fought with you about this.... probably with your cast in plain sight.... he sounds like a selfish boar to me (sorry for the offence)

I have to agree. I am going to be a bit harsh, but he's sounding like a selfish child. He needs to get his priorities straight. You are his future wife. You really need him and he can socialize with his rude, clueless friend any time.

It's not like this is the first time he's seeing his friend in a decade or he's flying in from Siberia. If he can't figure out what is truly important and what needs to be done, well all I can say is he needs to grow up and stop pouting because he can't have playtime with his friend instead of taking care of the woman he is going to marry. What's this guy doing when the chips are down? He wants to high tail it with his buddy and goof off when you really need him? That is just wrong.
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Zogs

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2011, 05:29:33 PM »
And - Aaron cancelled for tonight.  Might come around tomorrow, if he isn't busy.
 >:(
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katycoo

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Re: "That's just not going to work"
« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2011, 06:01:11 PM »
And - Aaron cancelled for tonight.  Might come around tomorrow, if he isn't busy.
 >:(

Ugh.  Is there enough time to cancel MIL driving you to your appt?