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  • September 27, 2016, 08:49:34 PM

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Author Topic: The etiquette of returning property, but from a great distance. *warning - LONG*  (Read 1369 times)

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I think you have gotten plenty of good advice above.

But (((Hugs)))


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I'm not sure that this will help in your situation, but one time my dad bought a convertible top for an old car of his from halfway across the country.  It was too big and expensive to ship normally, so the guy who sold it sent it on the greyhound bus... Effectively he bought a ticket for it, and it was way cheaper.  Maybe something to look into.


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I agree with others that the combination of cutting off communication and expecting him to devise a plan to get his stuff is a problem.  It sounds like when he left you both thought he'd be back and that you intended to pursue a relationship.  That didn't work out and you cut off communication.  He didn't intend to leave stuff at your place when the relationship ended, since when he left you were intending to move forward.  Instead, you decided to break it off after he left and then cut off all communication. 

Given all that, if it's $75 to ship everything but the kayak, if it were me, I'd just put everything but the kayak in a box and ship it to him.  I'd include a note about making arrangement for the kayak before X date.  You also need to open up a way for him to contact you to make the arrangements.  You can argue right vs. wrong, but rather than involve your parents and son and son's gf, why not just ship it and be done with it?


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if it's $75 to ship everything but the kayak, if it were me, I'd just put everything but the kayak in a box and ship it to him.
POD.  I'd leave your parents out of it.  Ask your son to send this guy one final email saying that the computer item needs to be picked up by X date or else son will give it to Goodwill or whatever.

Regarding the kayak, figure out what it's worth & send him proof of that value, then sell/return the ring he gave you, and send him whatever the kayak is worth using the ring money plus whatever the difference is. Then put it out on our lawn with a "FREE" sign on it. To me, it would be worth it just to get rid of if and to finally put a real end to the relationship. You'll never be able to look at that ring without thinking about him.

You might end up giving this guy more money than you'd like to, but wouldn't that be worth it to be able to move on?

gramma dishes

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...   Then put it out on our lawn with a "FREE" sign on it. ...

Put it out on your lawn and put a sign on it.  For Sale: $750.  It will be gone in twenty minutes.   ;D


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The ring is yours, to do with as you wish. Keep it, sell it, give it away - up to you. It was a gift. That's why he hasn't asked for it back.

I feel sorry for the guy. It doesn't sound like he meant to leave stuff there - he thought he was coming back. Then he got dumped and totally cut off from all communication. (Totally ok to end a relationship and cut off contact if there's no unfinished business. But there was.) Not exactly a recipe for resolving the issue of possessions.

As for why he didn't pick up the computer part already - there's nothing to suggest he didn't try. It seems a tad unfair to blame the guy when you don't know who cancelled the meeting or why.

If your parents are ok with helping get the stuff to him, go with that. Otherwise, ship it.

Figure out what you're prepared to do with the kayak. I understand that CL is out for security reasons but he wasn't awful or uncaring for suggesting it - lots of guys don't have the same danger sense about these things.

Tell him what you're prepared to do. If he suggests an alternative resolution, consider it. Ideally, come to an agreement. Give him a reasonable time frame to resolve this. If you intend to dispose of the kayak after that, say so. Summarise it in an email so you're both clear.

Good luck.


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I would pack up the smaller stuff and have it shipped directly to him, rather than going through your parents and son - it's a simpler and cleaner way of doing it, and isn't going to involve making your family bear the burden of contacting him and arranging pickup, and storing it if they don't get in touch with him.

For the kayak - personally, I'd recommend doing the simplest thing that gets it out of your hair. Check out the Greyhound option, if it works, put it on the greyhound and contact your ex directly with pick up instructions. If that isn't an option, see if there is a used sporting goods place that will buy it, and send him the money via registered mail. If not, and you don't want to do Craigslist, then buy it off your ex and donate it somewhere, or trash it with a hammer, or anything that gets it out of your garage as soon as possible.

Two other things - check the local laws for abandoned possessions. Some areas have laws that regulate what you can do with stuff left at your place. And it might help a lot to make some appointments with a therapist with expertise in relationships. You have 13 years of practice of being in an unhealthy, on-again-off-again relationship, and that's a long pattern to break away from. Some expert help could go a long way in keeping you from getting sucked back in, and figuring out how to navigate stuff like the extra possessions in the most constructive way possible.