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Author Topic: Exes, courtesy and awkwardness  (Read 4955 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: Exes, courtesy and awkwardness
« Reply #30 on: February 05, 2015, 08:05:53 PM »
Honestly, if she went after getting his response it would look like she intended to make him uncomfortable.

Raintree

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Re: Exes, courtesy and awkwardness
« Reply #31 on: February 06, 2015, 01:28:48 AM »
My ex appropriated a large group of my friends while we were together. OK, I know people are allowed to be friends with whomever they want, and they did know each other vaguely before, but when I first met and became friends with some of these people, it was a couple of years before they really got to know him. Then we split but remained reasonably good friends, and he clearly saw all my female friends as his potential new dating pool, which annoyed the heck out of me. Most did not bite, but about two years later he announced he and one of my good friends (a woman I used to do lots of stuff with, though lately we've both been too busy) had developed feelings for each other, and they are now dating and very happy. And yes, they can do whatever they want but it still stung and irritated the living daylights out of me, and now I'm uncomfortable with her too. And this woman is kind of central to my entire group of friends - everyone knows and likes her, and she is part of all subgroups of friends I enjoy spending time with as well.

I do not wish to date him again, nor do I spend any time at all mourning the relationship or thinking about him and her, but I do NOT want to show up at a social event and see them there together. It may be irrational, but I am just so annoyed with him (and her, a bit, though I think since it's been so long since she dated anyone and since I know him well enough to know he's only shown her his good side and charmed the socks off her, I can't say I can blame her). I am annoyed because now he gets to contaminate my entire social scene with their presence together, which frankly I find just gross. Gross because I don't want to know what my friend's boyfriend is like as a Scrabble player, and gross because I find swapping partners within the same group of friends just weird.

So now I'm left with a choice of being uncomfortable in social groups I've known for years, or staying home. Gee thanks.

I was friends with all these people before he was, though he is now claiming he has known her longer than me, because he met her once or twice in a group setting about 3 years before I came along.

So actually yeah, I think I would want to be given the heads up that THEY would be there, or even if just he would be there, if I was there with a new boyfriend. And if he asked if I minded and I said yes, I'd be ticked to find them there anyway.

I guess my point is, why does Sally need to go hang out in THAT particular crowd now?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Exes, courtesy and awkwardness
« Reply #32 on: February 08, 2015, 02:28:44 AM »
My thoughts:

1) Sally's question "Do you mind if I attend this same event as you?" comes off as being egotistical and insulting. It smacks of "I dumped you years ago and moved away, and now you have a new girlfriend, but like - you're probably still pining for me, so I want to make sure you don't fall apart when I grace the room with my presence."

2) Todd was not rude to answer honestly. Sure, he could have been the "bigger person" and sucked it up and said "sure thing, I'm fine with you attending!" but he was not rude per se to reply that he'd prefer Sally did not attend.

3) Related to (2), perhaps Todd was fine with Sally's presence, but his girlfriend would have had a huge problem with it (I've known girls who are really uncomfortable being around women whom their boyfriend has dated, and perhaps Todd just wanted to respect his girlfriend's feelings?)

4) Did Sally's question equate to asking for permission? I'm not sure, but at the very least, it implies that she'll take Todd's feelings into account when deciding whether to attend or not. If she DOES attend, it will send the message to Todd that his preferences are actually not a priority for Sally. Whether Sally wants to send that message is up to her. I don't think she would be rude one way or the other.

5) Going forward, Sally should absolutely stop asking Todd if it's "ok" that she attends the same events as him. 

saki

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Re: Exes, courtesy and awkwardness
« Reply #33 on: Yesterday at 08:39:00 AM »
My thoughts:

1) Sally's question "Do you mind if I attend this same event as you?" comes off as being egotistical and insulting. It smacks of "I dumped you years ago and moved away, and now you have a new girlfriend, but like - you're probably still pining for me, so I want to make sure you don't fall apart when I grace the room with my presence."

2) Todd was not rude to answer honestly. Sure, he could have been the "bigger person" and sucked it up and said "sure thing, I'm fine with you attending!" but he was not rude per se to reply that he'd prefer Sally did not attend.

3) Related to (2), perhaps Todd was fine with Sally's presence, but his girlfriend would have had a huge problem with it (I've known girls who are really uncomfortable being around women whom their boyfriend has dated, and perhaps Todd just wanted to respect his girlfriend's feelings?)

4) Did Sally's question equate to asking for permission? I'm not sure, but at the very least, it implies that she'll take Todd's feelings into account when deciding whether to attend or not. If she DOES attend, it will send the message to Todd that his preferences are actually not a priority for Sally. Whether Sally wants to send that message is up to her. I don't think she would be rude one way or the other.

5) Going forward, Sally should absolutely stop asking Todd if it's "ok" that she attends the same events as him.

Totally agree.  I don't think Sally was being that 'nice' either - it comes across at making it all about her and not accepting that he moved on quite some time ago.

shhh its me

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Re: Exes, courtesy and awkwardness
« Reply #34 on: Yesterday at 10:24:12 AM »
   I don't think "Do you mind .......?" is a courtesy question in this context.  I think its a courtesy question when used in place of/in conjunction with "Excuse me , Please , One moment ,please or sorry/opps ; "Do you mind ? I need that widget behind you." , "Do you mind me using the ladies room?" 

This is not a "please " situation; Either the break up was so bad , super dramatic and super traumatic they needed to have a met up  years latter to make sure they could act appropriately if end up in the same room or you friend made the situation awkward by suggesting that met up to discuss a non-issue and then made it super awkward by asking permission to attend an event. Assuming for a moment it was "The worst break-up in the history of the world" then its not a courtesy question to ask "In know we had the worst most painful breakup ever ,but you don't mind an evening  of dancing with me , your GF , my BF and a group of our mutual friend?" of course the answer was "Yes, actually I do mind. We discussed it and agreed we'd be cool about it and I would have grinned and bared being at some mutual friend's events.  Since, you're giving me the choice to not have to deal with you , I choice not to deal with you."   If this was the case continuously asking "You don't mind , we're all good ,right?" IMHO is more then a little cruel.  Assuming it was a normalish break up(Even if normal meant really harsh words and never a single word spoken after a phone call/email would have sufficed.) you're friend is just being so incredible awkward I still don't blame him for saying "Yes I mind."

TLDntR ....Stop asking him , stop contacting him , just be civil in public.  Now that she asked for this one event I think she should not go, because no matter the original circumstances I think your friend is the one who made it awkward now.