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  • January 31, 2015, 05:37:10 PM

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Author Topic: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.  (Read 438 times)

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viedejoie

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On Dec 13 I replied to someone's online ad and he replied within a few hours.  It was quickly clear though that our schedules (as divorced parents with kids) clashed a bit.  Realistically, we would only be able to see each other every other weekend if we hit it off unless we "dated" when we had our kids, which is not something I want to do.  He seems very nice and admittedly, I'm very picky and he meets my precursory list of criteria.  In my experience having only every other weekend available is fairly common.

Of course, with it being right before Christmas, neither of us made mention of meeting the first 2 weekends because of the holidays.  Then he was out of town until 1/5.  Then communication slowed down.  He made no mention of trying to meet.  I thought perhaps he had his children the first weekend he was home, so I didn't worry about it.  On Sunday 1/11 I sent him a message asking how his weekend was and telling him I was hoping we would finally be able to meet that upcoming weekend (1/17). To me this was kind of a "sh** or get off the pot" message.  I did not hear back from him and deleted our communications. 

On 1/22 he replied finally and apologized for not being in contact, gave excuses, chatted about what he's been up to, asked me some questions, and so on including indicating he wanted to meet but not being specific (Ie: can we meet for coffee on sat morning?).  On 1/23 he sent another message (I had not replied) asking how I was, and so on. 

I was and am very torn because I feel like he dropped the ball and if this is how he treats someone he's trying to impress, then I'm not going to enjoy being in a relationship with him.  I chatted with a (male) friend who convinced me to reply and give it one more chance, seeing as how he *seems* like a nice guy. So I replied, saying I was unsure hot to reply after such a long silence, and listing 10 things that I thought happened to him over the past 2 weeks.  It was a light tongue in cheek message ala David Letterman that referenced some things we had talked about and was meant to convey that it had been way too long between messages. 

I did not hear back from him.  I deleted our communications again, 48 hours after my message.   This morning I had another message from him (so 3 1/2 days later), he thought my list was hilarious.  He wonders if it had really been that long, or if some of his messages hadn't got to me, and asking vaguely about meeting.

Again, I'm torn.  He does seem nice.  He has a great sense of humor and he asks me questions that indicate he's listening and interested.  However, I can't imagine any person who has time for dating that can't manage to reply to a message within 24 hours these days. 

Do I just not reply because it's an indication of how he'll be?
Do I come right out and tell him "taking 3 days to reply to a message isn't ok"?

I'm at a loss for how to reply when I think it's been dropped, lol!

(he works a 9-5 business job that involves some travel, works out, and has 50% custody of his children)

Arila

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2015, 07:28:37 PM »
I wonder if it is a medium problem. Maybe he's just not logging into the dating site every day? What if you exchanged personal emails that he could get on his phone or moved on to shorter media like texts. A lot of times email (or messages of equivalent length) just require more energy to reply - you might want a full keyboard, which isn't available until x time, and by then, the clever message you read 4 hours ago on your phone isn't at the front of your mind, etc. At least, that's why I don't reply to emails very much.  I might say in a nice way, but without a lot of extraneous "i'm just joking" material:

"Hey, this communication frequency just isn't working for me. I think we jive in a lot of ways -- Is there a better way to get ahold of you?"

Regarding meeting, with such restrictive schedules, it sounds like something easier to arrange live over the phone.

LazyDaisy

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2015, 07:50:40 PM »
"He wonders if it had really been that long, or if some of his messages hadn't got to me, and asking vaguely about meeting." /quote

Unless he also deleted his message history, he should be able to clearly tell when he last messaged you and what he said. Based on some internet dating experience of my own, I think he's in contact with several other women and he can't keep track. Or, he's been pursuing other dates that haven't panned out and is now back to you. While that sort of is the point of a dating site, personally, I would cut him loose and move on to someone who showed more interest in me.

You are correct that any person who has time for dating should be able manage to reply to a message within 24 hours. And anyone really interested will make time to respond or have the courtesy to give you an idea of when they will be available.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." Douglas Adams

Octavia

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2015, 09:14:28 PM »
I know he looks good on paper, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions where you stand in his list of priorities. His extended periods of silence speak louder than words. I'd move on if I were you.
"I never explain anything." ~Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

bopper

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2015, 10:14:07 PM »
If he is on a dating website, it is possible that he was on dates on one of the other weekends he didn't have the kids or was putting away the Christmas decorations or had a basketball game to watch.

It took a few weeks, but if you think about dates that you were actually both available, he missed one? of those?

On the other hand, it doesn't sound like he would be available that much.  Is that something you are interested in?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2015, 08:49:27 AM »
I'm also currently doing the on-line dating thing.  And I find it exhausting, spending time looking at the site(s), messaging the people I find interesting, turning down the people who message me that I don't find interesting.  I'm a little burnt out and I only look at the site every couple of days right now.  With the holidays in there, I can see that kind of thing happening.

If you find this guy otherwise interesting, I'd send him one more message.  'I'd like to meet you this weekend at [time] and [place].'  And if he agrees and shows up?  Great.  If he counters with a reasonable alternative?  Great.  If he doesn't commit one way or another?  Drop him and carry on.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Lynn2000

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2015, 01:00:57 PM »
I tend to agree with Outdoor Girl. It could just be a communication problem in the sense of both of your expectations not being clear. There is so much crazy online dating advice out there, about how fast you should reply--maybe he doesn't want to reply so fast because he's afraid it will make you feel "stalked" or make him look desperate.

So I think I would try once more, and send a very clear message. You could go with Outdoor Girl's advice and set a specific meeting, and see if he shows specific interest or can't commit. Or you could say something like, "At this point in my life I know what I want and I'm not interested in dragging my feet. I'm comfortable if you respond to my messages within 24 hours and in fact I would prefer such a quick response--if there's a better way to contact you, let me know. I would also like to nail down a specific time for us to meet in person within the next week."

After that if he doesn't keep up, you'll know you weren't really compatible after all.
~Lynn2000

viedejoie

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2015, 06:35:10 PM »
"At this point in my life I know what I want and I'm not interested in dragging my feet. I'm comfortable if you respond to my messages within 24 hours and in fact I would prefer such a quick response--if there's a better way to contact you, let me know. I would also like to nail down a specific time for us to meet in person within the next week."

That is so perfect, thank you!