The situation is impossible to sustain. Right now I work full time, and I'm on call 2 weekends a month doing emergency work. In addition, I care for the goats entirely by myself. So I milk in the morning and milk and feed at night and do feet and such on the weekends. I also do all the cooking and cleaning. And I make cheese.
He works on farm equipment to get it ready for haying and does the haying. He used to maintain the vehicles, but is sticking with a shoulder problem.
He often does favors for people with the expectation that they will help him and then gets upset that they don't follow through. Then I end up stepping in to help.
I'm making efforts to get things more sustainable, both work load and financially, but this involves hard choices. I feel he's not willing to let some things go now in the hopes of getting where we want, and that's been causing a lot of tension. Right now I work from 6:30am-11pm most days, and it's impacting my health. (I used to use a wheelchair for pain relief and that problem is flaring up again with the work load.)
Because of that back story I'm not always sure that I'm not over sensitive. I feel like he takes his frustration out on me. And that he doesn't look out for the finances enough. And that he is the master of the non apology. It's adding up to enough stress to make things really tough, so I'm looking for a gut check.
It's really not fair for him to expect you to work 3 jobs to keep the pair of you afloat - on top of which you do all the cooking and cleaning and the goats and the cheese?
When was the last time you had any time off? When was the last time he did? And he's the one being passive aggressive with you? I think sonny boy deserves a bit of a rocket actually. It's all very well for this to be his dream but you're carrying the burden of it and it's time he shared it.
It's a mistake to have your plan be to expect other people to help you out - which seems to be his only plan. I get that he helps other people out but that's the thing about a favour - it's supposed to be no obligation and you can't rely on others to reciprocate - it's a hard lesson to learn but it has to be learnt. And again, you end up taking up the slack.
I get that this is a dream for him or for both of you, but part of achieving any dream is being realistic about how you do it. It sounds to me like he's launched into this just hoping it will all work out and the farm will be profitable immediately without any in between stages. That doesn't happen. Ever.
It seems to me like you both need to take a restock and look at your actual position.
Write out how much you can expect to earn from the farm by next year
Write out how much you can expect to pay out in bills etc by the same point
Compare the two. how does it look? Are you going to be in this same position this time next year? Have you got another year of this in you?
Make lists of the jobs that have to be done - including earning the money that pays for the farm.
Then look at what you can downsize. Can you afford to give up one of the jobs?
If you own the land, could you rent some of it out and concentrate on a smaller area until you find your feet? That would give you an income as well so could you afford to let one of the jobs go if you did that?
At the end of the day, farming is a business and you have to approach it like one. If he isn't willing to put the planning side in, he's crippling his own business. That's setting himself up for failure from the start.
This probably all sounds very harsh but as you said yourself, this situation is unsustainable. It doesn't have to be. You can do this and you can get this dream to work, but changes have to happen, because right now, it isn't working, and the strain is telling on your relationship
- and that's more important than any farm, ever.