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  • April 25, 2015, 06:01:36 PM

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Author Topic: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.  (Read 2527 times)

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viedejoie

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On Dec 13 I replied to someone's online ad and he replied within a few hours.  It was quickly clear though that our schedules (as divorced parents with kids) clashed a bit.  Realistically, we would only be able to see each other every other weekend if we hit it off unless we "dated" when we had our kids, which is not something I want to do.  He seems very nice and admittedly, I'm very picky and he meets my precursory list of criteria.  In my experience having only every other weekend available is fairly common.

Of course, with it being right before Christmas, neither of us made mention of meeting the first 2 weekends because of the holidays.  Then he was out of town until 1/5.  Then communication slowed down.  He made no mention of trying to meet.  I thought perhaps he had his children the first weekend he was home, so I didn't worry about it.  On Sunday 1/11 I sent him a message asking how his weekend was and telling him I was hoping we would finally be able to meet that upcoming weekend (1/17). To me this was kind of a "sh** or get off the pot" message.  I did not hear back from him and deleted our communications. 

On 1/22 he replied finally and apologized for not being in contact, gave excuses, chatted about what he's been up to, asked me some questions, and so on including indicating he wanted to meet but not being specific (Ie: can we meet for coffee on sat morning?).  On 1/23 he sent another message (I had not replied) asking how I was, and so on. 

I was and am very torn because I feel like he dropped the ball and if this is how he treats someone he's trying to impress, then I'm not going to enjoy being in a relationship with him.  I chatted with a (male) friend who convinced me to reply and give it one more chance, seeing as how he *seems* like a nice guy. So I replied, saying I was unsure hot to reply after such a long silence, and listing 10 things that I thought happened to him over the past 2 weeks.  It was a light tongue in cheek message ala David Letterman that referenced some things we had talked about and was meant to convey that it had been way too long between messages. 

I did not hear back from him.  I deleted our communications again, 48 hours after my message.   This morning I had another message from him (so 3 1/2 days later), he thought my list was hilarious.  He wonders if it had really been that long, or if some of his messages hadn't got to me, and asking vaguely about meeting.

Again, I'm torn.  He does seem nice.  He has a great sense of humor and he asks me questions that indicate he's listening and interested.  However, I can't imagine any person who has time for dating that can't manage to reply to a message within 24 hours these days. 

Do I just not reply because it's an indication of how he'll be?
Do I come right out and tell him "taking 3 days to reply to a message isn't ok"?

I'm at a loss for how to reply when I think it's been dropped, lol!

(he works a 9-5 business job that involves some travel, works out, and has 50% custody of his children)

Arila

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2015, 07:28:37 PM »
I wonder if it is a medium problem. Maybe he's just not logging into the dating site every day? What if you exchanged personal emails that he could get on his phone or moved on to shorter media like texts. A lot of times email (or messages of equivalent length) just require more energy to reply - you might want a full keyboard, which isn't available until x time, and by then, the clever message you read 4 hours ago on your phone isn't at the front of your mind, etc. At least, that's why I don't reply to emails very much.  I might say in a nice way, but without a lot of extraneous "i'm just joking" material:

"Hey, this communication frequency just isn't working for me. I think we jive in a lot of ways -- Is there a better way to get ahold of you?"

Regarding meeting, with such restrictive schedules, it sounds like something easier to arrange live over the phone.

LazyDaisy

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2015, 07:50:40 PM »
"He wonders if it had really been that long, or if some of his messages hadn't got to me, and asking vaguely about meeting." /quote

Unless he also deleted his message history, he should be able to clearly tell when he last messaged you and what he said. Based on some internet dating experience of my own, I think he's in contact with several other women and he can't keep track. Or, he's been pursuing other dates that haven't panned out and is now back to you. While that sort of is the point of a dating site, personally, I would cut him loose and move on to someone who showed more interest in me.

You are correct that any person who has time for dating should be able manage to reply to a message within 24 hours. And anyone really interested will make time to respond or have the courtesy to give you an idea of when they will be available.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." Douglas Adams

Octavia

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2015, 09:14:28 PM »
I know he looks good on paper, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions where you stand in his list of priorities. His extended periods of silence speak louder than words. I'd move on if I were you.
"I never explain anything." ~Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

bopper

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2015, 10:14:07 PM »
If he is on a dating website, it is possible that he was on dates on one of the other weekends he didn't have the kids or was putting away the Christmas decorations or had a basketball game to watch.

It took a few weeks, but if you think about dates that you were actually both available, he missed one? of those?

On the other hand, it doesn't sound like he would be available that much.  Is that something you are interested in?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2015, 08:49:27 AM »
I'm also currently doing the on-line dating thing.  And I find it exhausting, spending time looking at the site(s), messaging the people I find interesting, turning down the people who message me that I don't find interesting.  I'm a little burnt out and I only look at the site every couple of days right now.  With the holidays in there, I can see that kind of thing happening.

If you find this guy otherwise interesting, I'd send him one more message.  'I'd like to meet you this weekend at [time] and [place].'  And if he agrees and shows up?  Great.  If he counters with a reasonable alternative?  Great.  If he doesn't commit one way or another?  Drop him and carry on.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
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Lynn2000

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2015, 01:00:57 PM »
I tend to agree with Outdoor Girl. It could just be a communication problem in the sense of both of your expectations not being clear. There is so much crazy online dating advice out there, about how fast you should reply--maybe he doesn't want to reply so fast because he's afraid it will make you feel "stalked" or make him look desperate.

So I think I would try once more, and send a very clear message. You could go with Outdoor Girl's advice and set a specific meeting, and see if he shows specific interest or can't commit. Or you could say something like, "At this point in my life I know what I want and I'm not interested in dragging my feet. I'm comfortable if you respond to my messages within 24 hours and in fact I would prefer such a quick response--if there's a better way to contact you, let me know. I would also like to nail down a specific time for us to meet in person within the next week."

After that if he doesn't keep up, you'll know you weren't really compatible after all.
~Lynn2000

viedejoie

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2015, 06:35:10 PM »
"At this point in my life I know what I want and I'm not interested in dragging my feet. I'm comfortable if you respond to my messages within 24 hours and in fact I would prefer such a quick response--if there's a better way to contact you, let me know. I would also like to nail down a specific time for us to meet in person within the next week."

That is so perfect, thank you!

viedejoie

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2015, 02:15:25 PM »
Smallish non-update.  I did send him an email using Lynns quoted text from the post directly above this one as my base.  I sent him my email address and phone number and asked when he would have time to get together. 

He replied fairly promptly, but not with his phone or email or with a specific time to meet.  I replied asking if he was uncomfortable texting (at this point I had given him my number at least twice, maybe 3 times).  He did not reply for 3 or 4 days again (missing another weekend) and gave his number and asked what weekday (this was last week and Valentines Day was the weekend following his message) I was available. 

At this point I deleted and decided I was done.  While I *did* ask him for his phone number, I had given him mine and he should be able to text me first.  His asking what weeknight I was free (I had told him I'm not usually available weekdays) screamed "I'm too afraid to meet for coffee on Valentines Day".  And of course, the delay in responding again tells me he's not the guy for me.


Lynn2000

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2015, 03:12:15 PM »
That's too bad. But yeah, it did seem like for whatever reason, he was dragging his feet. Could be personality, maybe he's really too busy for a relationship right now, whatever. But if you laid it out for him clearly, he should have either complied, or countered. Continuing to act the same way--vague, untimely replies--shows incompatibility with you, I think.
~Lynn2000

Mergatroyd

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2015, 04:11:24 PM »
Yes, I think you made the right choice OP.

English1

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2015, 06:19:34 AM »
I think you made the right choice OP. He was wasting your time.

I did OLD and learned a lot about what it means when people delay, lose track, generally mess you about a bit. It means (usually) that they are not all that interested in you. They are sort of keeping you on the back burner 'just in case' but really looking for someone else.

I have to admit that sometimes there are genuine reasons for communication problems. I messed DP (we met OLD) about a bit at first due to 'circumstances beyond my control'. We'd only messaged through the OLD site a couple of times and emailed a couple of times, and he'd given me his number to call. I wasn't able to call for a couple of weeks. He'd given up on hearing from me again. But there were reasons for my going non-contact for a bit, and when I got back to him I explained, was very apologetic about it, and asked if he was still interested in meeting up. If so, I could meet him on X date or Y date or Z date. He was, and we did, and that was that  ;D

This man doesn't seem to have much of a reason, he isn't apologetic, and he isn't champing at the bit to actually meet you.

DavidH

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2015, 03:42:46 PM »
It sounds like you made the right choice.  I will admit that a first date in Valentine's day seems a bit much to me, but given the whole history it's pretty clear this isn't going to work.  In many ways it doesn't matter what his reason was, you laid out clearly your expectations, he wasn't willing or able to meet them, and that's a deal breaker for you. 

I wouldn't wait that long for a first meeting for coffee either.  It's so low risk to meet and you learn so much in person that you can't on email that it seems like if something has any potential to work out, you need to meet in person.

delphinium

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Re: Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Communication that is S.L.O.W.
« Reply #13 on: April 11, 2015, 09:12:00 AM »
Just wondering if he's married?   :-\