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  • September 02, 2015, 06:14:29 AM

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Author Topic: My Second Divorce. How do I explain multiple divorces when da[color=black]ting[/color] again?  (Read 151 times)

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Biscuitgirl

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In a million years I never expected to be divorced twice or even once.  However this is the position I am in.  With my first divorce we both agreed it was 50/50.  I loved my first husband as a person.  My second husband I was deeply in love with. We have a newborn son.  My husband became abusive and has what I'm assuming is paranoid personality disorder.  I stayed as long as I could until it started affecting my physical and mental health.  I was forced to leave before my health got worse and before our son was harmed.

I realize some people look down on divorce and it's worse when you've been divorced more than once.  I don't want anything serious for a long time.  I'd like to find someone who won't push for marriage, and who would be comfortable doing things together as a couple. Eventually introducing my son if things did get serious.

How and when should I bring up my divorces?  If you are divorced with a child what is it like dating again?  Is the judgement "that" bad or is it in my head?

Miss Understood

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I think you are right to not bring your child into it until you have a long-standing relationship in place.  As far as telling the new guy about your previous marriages, I think you have to be honest - would you want to find out 6 months in that he had been married twice before?  I know it's not your fault that the previous marriages didn't work out (and a great guy who really likes you will see it the same way) but they still exist and there's no sense pretending they didn't. 

Let's say you meet a great guy and say nothing about the divorces - after a while when you're in love, you tell him and he backs off because you never told him before.  Wouldn't it be better to get it in the open at the start?

blarg314

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I think at first contact "divorced with a kid" is enough details, but after a first date and before becoming exclusive you would disclose more details - two divorces, first one on good terms, the second a bad situation. If the relationship progresses, more details will tend to come out.

I think you'll find there are a lot of people with divorces out there, over the whole range of previous experiences. Some people will be scared off by a previous divorce (or two), some people will be scared off by a kid, other people won't. If you're carrying a lot of baggage from the previous relationships, that can scare off people who would be okay with a divorce in principle.

As far as your son goes - I agree it's generally, it's a good idea to keep your dating life and parenting life separate until a relationship is becoming serious - it can be really hard on kids to have people coming into their lives, bonding, and then suddenly having them vanish never to be seen again. If a relationship is heading that way, going for a few sessions of family counselling before stepping into merging families could be a good idea - to get a good roadmap of healthy ways to approach it, and things that can make it a lot worse.




Wintergreen

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I agree with blargh314's answer. Disclosing few details about the divorces during the dating is needed, I would feel, for most potential people. Some might not care at all, but... I sometimes joke that people are allowed to have one crazy ex. Well, as a joke, it's obviously very very exaggerated generalization. But point still stands. Divorces and break ups happen, people are people after all. For a future date what is important from their point of view, is to get fair idea why would this person's relationships end. It is after all something that is big part of the person's relationship characteristics. If you start dating a person whose all exes were "batpoop crazy", either they have very poor taste or the problem is with the person him/herself. On the other hand, sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes everybody misjudges person's character (or the traits pop up later). That is the difference most would in my opinion want to know. Is it the case of "life happens to everybody" or "I'm determined to repeat these same mistakes in my every relationship". Some people are judgier than other, but I think quite many just want to spare themselves of heart break.

So, divorce details, not first date material, but during the "getting to know period" at least bit of them should be shared. However, the other things you mention, the wanting to have adult relationship, take it slowly without official commitments and not bringing kid to it anytime soon is first date material. Or dating profile material if some kind of external aids are used to find potential dates.