Meeting the new boyfriend's parents- were they rude to me?

[herekittykitty]

Hi everyone-

This past Christmas I officially met my new boyfriend's parents and extended family. I had dinner with my family and then went to his uncle's house for dessert (where the entire family of relatives including his parents were all day) My bf who is usually quite cool and polite was nervous and when we walked into the room crowded by 30 people (the majority of which around a giant table) and he didn't point out who his parents were (or his aunt...the hostess so I could thank her and hand her the big box of bakery goods I had brought) so it was SUPER awkward.

His parents eventually identified themselves from the table of couples (all who looked like him and therefore in my mind could easily be his parents) just as my bf realized I couldn't tell who they were after a looooooooong period of awkward silence as everyone stared at me (they had already had dessert, it was the end of the evening and they were in that post-Christmas trance we all eventually find ourselves in) The parents hardly said hello (hardly  )and then gratefully, his aunt, the hostess got up to take the giant box of cake from me and I poked my bf to at least show me where I could leave my coat. (shouldn't the hostess have taken my coat or directed me where to put it?)

In my bf's defense, he is usually quite well-mannered and thus far in our 3 month relationship has not had any trouble introducing me to his friends and associates. So I blame his guffaw on nervousness. He told me he thought I would remember what they looked like from a family photo he had shown me for 10 seconds  2 months ago. (sheesh!!!!) I had expected (wanted/envisioned) walking directly to his parents after the host/hostess (aunt/uncle) greeted me and I thanked them and handed over the dessert but neither happened! And then when we sat at the table, they didn't even speak to me! None of them did! (we left after 90 minutes of *watching them all talk*)

They seem like a decent family and he is close to them (he still lives at home) I mean I at least gleaned that from watching them interact in the next 90 minutes though none of them interacted with me except to ask me if I wanted any reheated dinner or coffee. I am always wary about meeting the parents/family since my longest relationship was with a man whose family should reside in E-Hell permanently.  I guess I am feeling upset that I tried to do all the right things (bring cake, smile at all the faces, thank his aunt the hostess then meet the parents to show respect, etc) and kind of shocked at their lack of manners. Being the guest walking into a room of strangers aren't *THEY* the ones who are supposed to try and make me feel comfortable? Yet, I found myself sitting there trying to think of ways to make them comfortable, which seems ridiculous.

And now of course, the second time I will be in the presence of this family happens to be at a wake/funeral tomorrow morning for my bf's uncle (who wasn't at the holiday dinner) Great! Now, I am going to just pay my respect and quietly show support to him but I have to say besides the obvious funerals-are-awful-occasions feeling, I am dreading not even being acknowledged (and by acknowledged, I mean who knows if they will even say hello to me when I go to greet them? I am not implying that they ought to pay attention to me during the ordeal...for heaven's sake...it's someone's funeral! I know the day is *not about me*) He is a pallbearer so I expect I will be sitting alone (read: away from the family) in the church...it's going to be a loooooooong day.

Ok. Deep breath.

What are your thoughts on how I was treated on Christmas? I hope we eventually see eachother in a normal setting (not holiday or funeral) so I can determine if they are clods or have manners, but I can't help worry I am involved with another E-Hell family of potential in-laws! Help!

[HogwartsAlum]

Well, to be fair, if they just lost a family member, it maybe wasn't a great time to meet the new girlfriend, so they may have been surprised that BF brought you over just then.  I'm sure they probably didn't feel very sociable that day.

But I agree, they should have made some effort to at least talk to you, or even say something like, "I'm sorry we seem so glum, it's just that we lost Uncle B recently."  I can't imagine just ignoring someone my family member brought over, even if it wasn't the best timing in the world.  I know my family would NEVER do that, not even if the house was on fire!

[herekittykitty]

Oh no! The uncle didn't pass away until the day AFTER Christmas.

[Clara Bow]

But was he ill and expected to die? That can cast a pall over a family, believe me.
I think that the hostess should have been a bit more gracious and the parents should have showed a little more enthusiasm, but it was your boyfriend who brought you into the group. Therefore the onus was on him to introduce you around to the family and his parents. I'm amazed that he just stood there like he didn't know who anyone was. Post-Christmas daze or not, I think that there are a few etiquette issues here, but I take the most exception to your boyfriend's behavior.

[MadMadge43]

POD Auntie Venom!

I didn't think they did anything wrong, they were comfortable where they were and were winding down. They were probably waiting for BF to introduce you.

I once broke up with a BF (we were thinking about marriage) because of the way he all of a sudden dropped my hand before we met his parents and then pretended not to know me the entire weekend with them.

I say warning Will Robinson!

[ZipTheWonder]

Personally, if there is a new guest brought to the home -- and particularly if it were someone my child was dating -- I'd be up out of the chair introducing myself immediately.  Ditto, if I were the hostess.

I think some of your boyfriend's behavior can be explained by nervousness, but I really think the parents and hosts should have helped him out here.

I hope (and expect) it will go better tomorrow.  Those first meetings are awkward, even when they go well.

[gjcva1]

how very awkward to be dropped into the holiday celebration without being introduced to anyone previously!  i'd give the BF a pass due to nervousness too, though it's a shame that you hadn't been introduced to his parents before since he lives with them.

and it's very nice of you to support your BF at the funeral of his uncle.

[sammycat]

When my then boyfriend (now husband) and I started dating and it was time to meet each other's family, for some reason we each ended up doing it at big family gatherings.  My husband is rather shy so when we reached my aunt's house where the party was being held, I called my parents inside to meet DH first.  Then I took him outside and introduced him to all my relatives.  Frankly, if he could survive my meeting all my relatives in one hit like that, I knew he was a keeper!

When it was time to meet his family, we went to his parents' house on Mother's Day.  He introduced me to each person and then various members also came over and started talking to me, thus making me feel very welcome.

I think it was the duty of your boyfriend to go around and introduce you to at least SOME of the family.  Also, whenever someone brings a new person to my home, I make sure I go and introduce myself to that person, or meet them as soon as possible so that the person bringing them can introduce them to me.

[willow08]

Man, that's rough. Some families are just really really bad at being gracious. It was their job to make you comfortable and make you feel included. To at least introduce themselves and  get to know you better. I wouldn't be too angry with BF, if he is othewise a great guy. It sounds like he did not have great examples. Remind him of this for future holidays when he says, "but we HAVE to go or my family will be upset."

As for the funeral, be supportive, stay quiet unless someone talks to you and expect to keep/entertain yourself. Don't expect these people to include you or offer you some courtesy because they probably won't. Set up some sort of treat for yourself at the end of the day ( a favorite movie, truffles, long bath)
so you have something to look forward to.

[Lisbeth]

I agree that the holidays, especially when there has been a death in the family, probably isn't the best time to be introducing one's new girlfriend to the family, because everyone's just under too much mental and perhaps physical stress.

Still, it would have helped if the hosts had introduced you to everyone.  And even if your BF was shy and nervous, he should have been aware that you had even more reason to be because you were not acquainted with any of these people. 

Happy holidays, anyway.

[Evil Duckie]

I am sorry to hear that you got off to a rough start with BF family. Holidays are always a rough time to introduce someone to the entire family for the first time. BF nerves didn't help. He really should have been the one to introduce to everyone.


I have a feeling that the impending death of his uncle cause a major pall on the family so they weren't thinking really about how to welcome you but the upcoming events.

Good luck at the funeral. Your BF will appreciate you being there for him.

[andi]

DId your BF tell them you were coming?  Maybe they weren't really expecting you? 

IMO - your BF is the one that should have taken the lead in introducing you to his parents and his aunt (after taking your coat and asking Aunt where it could go) and making sure you were comfortable with his family. 

The first time i met my now hubby's family was at Thanksgiving at his Aunt's house - with the whole extended family there - and they did "Christmas" that day too since so many of the out of town family was already there.  Hubby introduced me to everyone then wandered off for the majority of the day - so i felt out of place until i struck up a conversation with his dad about my job.  The day was very awkward though (and i could still smack him for it - but i don't)

[HogwartsAlum]

But was he ill and expected to die? That can cast a pall over a family, believe me.

Oh, I didn't catch that about the uncle not passing away before that. Sorry, herekittykitty.  Auntie Venom has a point; if he was really ill they might have been in another world.

[Gileswench]

It sounds as if, one way and another, everyone dropped the ball...except you, herekittykitty.

OTOH, if there was both a holiday and an impending death in the family to cope with, I'd be inclined to chalk this one up to bad experience and see what the next meeting brings. As others have mentioned, a death in  the family - whether recent or generally expected - can throw people into a daze where they just don't think straight.

In general, though, it is up to the person who knows all parties to make the introductions, so it ought to have fallen to your BF. If that person drops the ball, it is then up to the host(s) to introduce themselves and learn who you are. If all else fails, then introduce yourself and get them to tell you who they are. The bottom line is somebody has to do it or else nobody can get to know one another. If the proper person fails to do so, then feel free to pipe up and tell everyone your name.

But really, it's very impolite to leave one person at the party so very much in the cold, especially when they've brought cake!

[Millicent63]

Have to agree with Andi, below, that any rudeness was on your BF's part; he should have escorted you around and introduced you to each person.  Or at least, for crying out loud, his own parents.  Even if you did recognize them from the old photo, were you expected to step up and present yourself to them?

Also, and I realize customs vary by family and by region, but to be dating someone for only three months and plan to partake fully in a family funeral seems a bit excessive.  I could see calling in to pay respects, but not necessarily parking myself there for all of the rituals. It's not as if you know these people, according to the anecdote related in the OP. 

Bottom line though, you haven't committed any major faux pas.