Author Topic: You hate me so...no. (long)  (Read 33994 times)

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tallone

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You hate me so...no. (long)
« on: July 26, 2011, 01:22:15 AM »
Howdy all,

Oh the drama, oh the drama, oh the drama. I do so love to bring my tales of woe here and bask in eHell's collective wisdom.

BG
For a couple months now I've been aware that someone in my circle of friends hates me with the fire of a thousand suns. Not a total shock considering the bad blood we've had in the past but definitely more extreme than I expected.

We didn't get along in high school, at all. Two guys, very similar, disliked each other from the start and in the same circle of friends for years...we did not always play nice. Quite often we would get in an argument and stand around insulting each other or generally be passive aggressive about things. After high school I decided to give my little "frenemy" the benefit of a clean slate and started treating him like any of my other friends. That seemed to work until of course I found out that it didn't. I don't like the way I treated him any more than I like the way he treated me so I've been trying to make amends for that. I have probably the bigger share of the blame because I am very good at insulting people I don't like and unfortunately that gave me an advantage that made it pretty one sided. Please don't take that as flippant; it is one of my major character flaws and I'm working on it.

My strategy for making amends has been to treat him like any other friend. It hasn't really worked, he won't stop trying to insult me and provoke an argument/fight. I have bean dipped, left conversations and ignored him until I was blue in the face...but I also haven't retaliated in about twelve months. We've seen each other maybe twenty times in that period. That might seem door mat-ish but I take it as my penance, I really have been terrible to him in the past. I thought he'd get over it eventually and start treating me nicely too but now I'm just gunning for mutual politeness and civility at some point.

End BG

TallFiancee and I had travelled up from MyCity to HomeTown for my friend A's 21st birthday dinner. It was a great night, everyone had fun and the newly designated "P" (my frenemy) was basically behaving himself. Towards the end of the dinner however we started chatting about high school and all the cool things we'd done with A over the years. (Quick BG: A was my best friend growing up so I was seated at her right hand, Tallfiancee at mine. P was a little further down the table past A to my left. This was a long table; about fifteen people were in attendance). A's little sister had prompted the topic on the ruse that she wanted to know more about what her sister got up to in high school but really so A could hear all her friends say nice things about her. It was really sweet of her. We were all chatting with the people near us so the table was sort of split into different conversations along it.

I'm telling a story about A when I noticed Tallfiancee frowning so after I finish my saga I quetly ask her what is wrong. She tells me that she can hear P interrupting stories at the other end to badmouth me every time I'm mentioned; she can hear it, it's not nice and she's pissed. Please note: A and I were inseparable through highschool. There aren't many stories involving her or myself where the other doesn't get mentioned regularly. I shrug it off, I'm not paying attention to it and don't care either way so we get back to dinner.

After dinner A invites us back to her house for drinks and a few games of pool. Her house can literally function as a bar, right down to the jukebox full of 80's rock. Tallfiancee volunteered to be my designated driver because she wanted me to be free to have a great time for A's birthday. Isn't she the best? We were going to drop by a liquor store with A and another friend to get supplies before going back to A's house.

Now P had driven himself and was now loudly proclaiming that he wanted to drink and not drive as everyone piled into cars and headed to A's house. Since P was saying he wanted to drink his passenger went to find himself another ride to A's. That turned out to be the only spare seat except for in my car.

P approached me while A,  another friend and Tallfiancee were waiting in the car for me. I'd been taking orders for people who were going straight to A's house with A's sister while we went on a booze run. P's tone was very aggresive the whole time for this encounter:

P: Hey, can you give me a ride to A's?
Me: Didn't you drive here?
P: Yeah but I decided I want to drink now. You have a spare seat right? Just give me a lift.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
P: Why not? Don't be a d*ck about it
Me: I doubt Tallfiancee will give you a lift. You drove yourself here and you can drive yourself to A's
P: Why are you such a jerk? What did I do to you?
Me: I'll see you over there.

And I left. Tallfiancee asked me what he wanted, I told her, she vehemently stated she would not be giving him a ride anywhere after what he was saying about me at dinner. Bad blood aside, it's poor form to insult someone behind their back and then demand they give you a lift somewhere. Bad blood included, if you hate someone and insult him behind his back and then demand he give you a lift somewhere you definitely deserve a place in eHell for your dread entitlement!

Minmom3

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2011, 01:38:21 AM »
I think this falls under the category of Bed.  Made.   Lie...!!    8)

Also something about burning bridges....  ;)
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rashea

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2011, 09:49:03 AM »
Did you ever tell him that you wanted to start over and wipe the slate clean? If not, then I think it would be worth doing so.

I think it might have been a good idea to say that after what tallfiancee was hearing at dinner he had blown his chance at a ride that night.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

Vermont

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2011, 09:59:01 AM »
I too would've explained to him why Tallfiance wouldn't want to give him a ride.   I know it's a b-day party & you don't want the drama, but it seems like you're just postponing the inevitable.

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TurtleDove

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2011, 10:19:46 AM »
I get the sense this would have been a short ride.  Sounds like P was a jerk, but I would have probably given him a ride.  Why feed the drama. 

I guess I'm not following the story though - did P want a ride to A's or a ride home from A's?  If no one was drunk before A's, why couldn't he drive his own car?

LadyL

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2011, 10:20:38 AM »
I too would've explained to him why Tallfiance wouldn't want to give him a ride.   I know it's a b-day party & you don't want the drama, but it seems like you're just postponing the inevitable.

POD. I think it would be entirely appropriate to say "Tallfiance overheard your commentary at dinner while I was telling stories about me and A in high school. Needless to say we'd both prefer not to give you a ride."

I think it's also worth extending what my friend Peter ingeniously calls the "thorny olive branch." It's basically a truce where you don't have to agree to like each other but you do agree to play nice. You could say something like "Look, I know there's a lot of history and bad blood between us, but for the sake of our mutual friends I would like to try to be civil. We don't have to be friends but let's not make a production out of our differences either - so no public badmouthing or insults. I'll agree to it if you will."

Master_Edward

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2011, 11:19:29 PM »
I think it's obvious P is never going to like you. So I think you just shouldn't bother with him because it's a waste of time.

Ed.

Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2011, 11:27:53 PM »
I certainly see no need to give P a ride.  If I were in a similar position as TallFiancee, I would not be inclined to allow P in *my* car. 

I've done favors like that before, and the boor in question just critiqued my driving. 
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blue2000

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2011, 08:09:58 AM »
I get the sense this would have been a short ride.  Sounds like P was a jerk, but I would have probably given him a ride.  Why feed the drama. 

I guess I'm not following the story though - did P want a ride to A's or a ride home from A's?  If no one was drunk before A's, why couldn't he drive his own car?

He wanted to get drunk - therefore he needed a designated driver for a ride to and from A's house, rather than take his own car.

I'd pass on this one as well. If he can't behave when he is sober, he certainly won't when he is drunk, which means that would be one horrible ride. Let him call a taxi.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

rashea

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2011, 09:06:57 AM »
If he can't behave when he is sober, he certainly won't when he is drunk,

That's a good point. I can only imagine what would happen if he started to drink and got even more obnoxious.
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tallone

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2011, 12:34:41 AM »
I too would've explained to him why Tallfiance wouldn't want to give him a ride.   I know it's a b-day party & you don't want the drama, but it seems like you're just postponing the inevitable.

POD. I think it would be entirely appropriate to say "Tallfiance overheard your commentary at dinner while I was telling stories about me and A in high school. Needless to say we'd both prefer not to give you a ride."

I think it's also worth extending what my friend Peter ingeniously calls the "thorny olive branch." It's basically a truce where you don't have to agree to like each other but you do agree to play nice. You could say something like "Look, I know there's a lot of history and bad blood between us, but for the sake of our mutual friends I would like to try to be civil. We don't have to be friends but let's not make a production out of our differences either - so no public badmouthing or insults. I'll agree to it if you will."

This was actually what I tried, at first. He seemed to agree but I'm told that later he bragged about me being afraid of him and trying to get him to leave me alone before lamenting on all the terrible things I did he needs to pay me back for. First the tough bully and then the poor victim because who needs to make sense?

Eventually I thought "Fine, do your worst." and to be honest it doesn't bother me any more. I've got a devastatingly attractive woman by my side who gives me more compliments in a day than I get insults from him in a month.

Having Tallfiancee in my life drives me to be a better man and she's happy with me letting him take as many free hits as he likes, at least when she's not in ear shot. Retaliating in kind would for me feel like I was just as bad. I can't really avoid him so I practice my polite, distant smile and get on with my life.

If he can't behave when he is sober, he certainly won't when he is drunk,

That's a good point. I can only imagine what would happen if he started to drink and got even more obnoxious.

You have no idea... ::)

Cattaby

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2011, 09:51:28 AM »
I think you handled the situation extremely well and I admire that shiny spine of yours. It takes a lot of will to deny someone who asks you a favour to your face, so good on you to sticking up for yourself. How did the night end up by the way?

starry diadem

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2011, 01:24:49 PM »
I think it's also worth extending what my friend Peter ingeniously calls the "thorny olive branch." It's basically a truce where you don't have to agree to like each other but you do agree to play nice. You could say something like "Look, I know there's a lot of history and bad blood between us, but for the sake of our mutual friends I would like to try to be civil. We don't have to be friends but let's not make a production out of our differences either - so no public badmouthing or insults. I'll agree to it if you will."

Excellent advice.
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Roe

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2011, 09:42:19 AM »
Did you ever tell him that you wanted to start over and wipe the slate clean? If not, then I think it would be worth doing so.
.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.  OP, I think it's worth one more try.  And this time, let P in on it too.  He might surprise you.  After, if he still continues to "hate" you, well, then you tried.  I say it's worth it because it seems to me as if you will run into him quite a bit what with having the same circle of friends and all. 

Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: You hate me so...no. (long)
« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2011, 09:52:49 AM »
Did you ever tell him that you wanted to start over and wipe the slate clean? If not, then I think it would be worth doing so.
.
Did you ever tell him that you wanted to start over and wipe the slate clean? If not, then I think it would be worth doing so.
.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.  OP, I think it's worth one more try.  And this time, let P in on it too.  He might surprise you.  After, if he still continues to "hate" you, well, then you tried.  I say it's worth it because it seems to me as if you will run into him quite a bit what with having the same circle of friends and all. 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.  OP, I think it's worth one more try.  And this time, let P in on it too.  He might surprise you.  After, if he still continues to "hate" you, well, then you tried.  I say it's worth it because it seems to me as if you will run into him quite a bit what with having the same circle of friends and all. 

I think the OP's comments in post 11 constitute having tried this.
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