Commenting on posting style?

[Zilla]

A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.

I don't know if its a gray area, but sometimes for people like me it feels rude even though it is ehell approved.  What I mean is that I have a very wimpy person and when I stand up for myself I kind of get like CRUD MONKEYS! did I do okay?  Did I meet rudeness with rudeness or was this okay?  And then because I was brave, I will be more willing to do it again but double checking that I wasn't overreacting.


But I do see some of the ones you were talking about.  Just pointing out that some of them can be how I described. 

[Larrabee]

A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.

On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?"  I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.

[Zilla]

A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.

On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?" I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.

But then those should not be posted in the Life in General, Families and Children etc sections as I think those are specifically boards to ask.  Coffee Break folders and the Interesting Assumptions etc sections are for those without questions.

[tnpenguinbaby]

I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

The problem lately seems to be if you disagree and post such thoughts, folks get in an uproar and then suddenly posters arent' here anymore.
My theory is if you don't like something and it's not illegal, immoral or fattening, skip over it.  We aren't required to read every thread on the forum.  There are some posts I don't read because of style, or because I already know what they're going to say: the same thing they said in the last XX number of threads.  It's easier to choose posts that are enjoyable to read, have well-developed points of view that are politely expressed and a low drama quotient.

[POF]

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.

I know I got caught in that once (that I remember, so probably more). But it really was just me not having enough information in the OP because I was trying to keep it shorter. I think if someone does it every time, or frequently it might be worth addressing, but sometimes it really is a situation of just not knowing what to include.

Ive done that, I tend to type quickly and then I realize that I really did not explain what had happened with enough detail.  I came back several hours later and updated with more info and was basically told I was just trying to garner sympathy / make my case.

I also think that people will disagree, no one will ever see things through the same window and it is counterproductive to dogpile and ceaselessly argue.

To the OP, I ask myself if we were in someone's living room in real life .. would I tell them that they should change how they speak ? That we would like their contribution better if they did X,Y,Z. Maybe, but I would probably do it privately.

[Audrey Quest]

A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.

On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?" I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.

But then those should not be posted in the Life in General, Families and Children etc sections as I think those are specifically boards to ask.  Coffee Break folders and the Interesting Assumptions etc sections are for those without questions.

They can be.  There is no rule that you must ask a question on any of the boards.  As long as its on topic and isn't being posted to troll for inflammatory responses its fine.
 
And to answer the question in the OP, no, I don't think its OK to bring in a persons other posts to chastize them on their posting style.  It takes the thread off-topic, makes the OP feel defensive.  It's OK to point it out in the thread.
 
But, otherwise, its becomes a topic all on its own.

Also, I think its important that while people who start threads are told all the time that not everyone is going to agree with them, this advice should also be heeded by those who reponse--not all OPs are going to find your advice or what you have to say helpful.

[Larrabee]

A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.

On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?" I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.

But then those should not be posted in the Life in General, Families and Children etc sections as I think those are specifically boards to ask.  Coffee Break folders and the Interesting Assumptions etc sections are for those without questions.

There was a thread or a post in the 'forum rules' section where the mods specified that it was ok to post in any of the etiquette folders even without a specific question.  I'll see if I can find it.

[Zilla]

I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

The problem lately seems to be if you disagree and post such thoughts, folks get in an uproar and then suddenly posters arent' here anymore.
My theory is if you don't like something and it's not illegal, immoral or fattening, skip over it.  We aren't required to read every thread on the forum.  There are some posts I don't read because of style, or because I already know what they're going to say: the same thing they said in the last XX number of threads.  It's easier to choose posts that are enjoyable to read, have well-developed points of view that are politely expressed and a low drama quotient.

Problem with skipping over is that you read a perfectly valid OP and respond in kind.  Then it starts to get derailed and you then know a bit too late to get out of it.    (that's when you add that poster to your list of whom to skip over in the future)

[pierrotlunaire0]

I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

But Flora, I don't have a problem with a person who presents an opinion, and there is some discussion, but the OP remains with their original position.  If the OP is polite about it, but says, "Well, I can see your point, but I still feel I am right." then I am fine.  It is when the OP (or even other posters) say inflammatory and dismissive statements: "I cannot believe that there are people who can even consider that I am wrong," that I have a problem.

And even when other details come up, how are they presented: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would matter but I forgot to mention..." or "I am so upset, I am probably not being coherent here, but...." again, okay.  But the OP states that someone had a grimace on their face, only to escalate it to a grimace and obscene gesture, and then to obscene gestures and a fist being shaken, now you are just justifying your actions be exaggerating.

[Flora Louise]

I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

But Flora, I don't have a problem with a person who presents an opinion, and there is some discussion, but the OP remains with their original position.  If the OP is polite about it, but says, "Well, I can see your point, but I still feel I am right." then I am fine.  It is when the OP (or even other posters) say inflammatory and dismissive statements: "I cannot believe that there are people who can even consider that I am wrong," that I have a problem.

And even when other details come up, how are they presented: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would matter but I forgot to mention..." or "I am so upset, I am probably not being coherent here, but...." again, okay.  But the OP states that someone had a grimace on their face, only to escalate it to a grimace and obscene gesture, and then to obscene gestures and a fist being shaken, now you are just justifying your actions be exaggerating.

I agree with this.

I would just like to submit one more idea, though.  Asking for advice does not obligate a poster to take advice.

[Zilla]

Well of course not and plus there is a wide range of advice given too.  I just think though if you have your mind set in the beginning and in the end, then don't post for it.  Post instead as an incident and put it in coffee break folder.

I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

But Flora, I don't have a problem with a person who presents an opinion, and there is some discussion, but the OP remains with their original position.  If the OP is polite about it, but says, "Well, I can see your point, but I still feel I am right." then I am fine.  It is when the OP (or even other posters) say inflammatory and dismissive statements: "I cannot believe that there are people who can even consider that I am wrong," that I have a problem.

And even when other details come up, how are they presented: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would matter but I forgot to mention..." or "I am so upset, I am probably not being coherent here, but...." again, okay.  But the OP states that someone had a grimace on their face, only to escalate it to a grimace and obscene gesture, and then to obscene gestures and a fist being shaken, now you are just justifying your actions be exaggerating.

I agree with this.

I would just like to submit one more idea, though.  Asking for advice does not obligate a poster to take advice.

[DottyG]

Well of course not and plus there is a wide range of advice given too.  I just think though if you have your mind set in the beginning and in the end, then don't post for it.  Post instead as an incident and put it in coffee break folder.

I know what you're getting at.  And I agree.

Or, if you do want to ask for advice, you can say something like, "I think I might have already made my mind up on this issue; however, I want to get some other feedback to see if there's something I'm overlooking.  Maybe an outsider's perspective on this could sway my decision on how to react."  If a person approaches like that, I'm not sure I'd mind.  It could be that, having read other opinions, they decide that their way is really the way they want to do.  And that's fine.

[Audrey Quest]

Well of course not and plus there is a wide range of advice given too.  I just think though if you have your mind set in the beginning and in the end, then don't post for it.  Post instead as an incident and put it in coffee break folder.

But that's not what the Coffee Break folder is for.
 
People are fine to put their stories in the proper category on the main parts of the board and they don't have to have a question and they don't have to need advice.
 

[Allyson]

I think there's a difference between not wanting to take *some* advice and not wanting to take *any* advice. I mean..if a poster asks at the end, "What should I do?" but it's obvious that they already have their mind made up, it can be frustrating. It really does seem like they were just posting to get the 'I'm right!' reaction...it seems even more so when they add even more details to try to convince people. Whereas, if someone posts for advice and a few people give really extreme reactions, I don't think it's a problem for a poster to be like 'whoa, too far'.

As for style..I've noticed lately a few newish (I think?) posters with really, really dramatic stories. A lot of them, in every thread they post in. It's a little difficult for me not to start wondering at the veracity of some of it, especially when they seem to meet *so* many people who treat them badly. I mean, I have no idea, all of it could be totally true, and I'm not sure if there's something in 'style' there that could change to make it seem a little less questionable. There are also lots of people who have a lot of odd encounters who I never question, so it might just be me!

[Audrey Quest]

I think there is a lot to be said for thanking people for their responses.  Whether or not you find them helpful for not, if you did ask for advice, its always nice and polite to thank everyone.