Are you sure you're not pregnant?

[Mental Magpie]

Some kid (who looked like he was in kindergarten) at my parents' church once came up to me and asked if I was pregnant.   

I looked right at the kid and said, "No, I'm not.  In fact, it's not possible for me to be pregnant."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Um, well, er"...[me searching for a way to tell a 5-year-old who I've never met before that I lack the required hardware]..."I'm a man?"

Now, don't let a little thing like a lack of uterus get in the way MrTango. If you want to deliver a baby, you go right on ahead.   

Haven't you seen that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger?  It's the future, it's so totally possible!

[chicajojobe]

Some kid (who looked like he was in kindergarten) at my parents' church once came up to me and asked if I was pregnant.   

I looked right at the kid and said, "No, I'm not.  In fact, it's not possible for me to be pregnant."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Um, well, er"...[me searching for a way to tell a 5-year-old who I've never met before that I lack the required hardware]..."I'm a man?"

Now, don't let a little thing like a lack of uterus get in the way MrTango. If you want to deliver a baby, you go right on ahead.   

Haven't you seen that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger?  It's the future, it's so totally possible!

Also, I'd be so tempted to sheepishly give them this answer if a stranger ever asked if I were pregnant...just to see the look on their face!

Just to clarify, I am a woman.

[hobish]

Some kid (who looked like he was in kindergarten) at my parents' church once came up to me and asked if I was pregnant.   

I looked right at the kid and said, "No, I'm not.  In fact, it's not possible for me to be pregnant."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Um, well, er"...[me searching for a way to tell a 5-year-old who I've never met before that I lack the required hardware]..."I'm a man?"

Now, don't let a little thing like a lack of uterus get in the way MrTango. If you want to deliver a baby, you go right on ahead.   

Haven't you seen that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger?  It's the future, it's so totally possible!

Also, I'd be so tempted to sheepishly give them this answer if a stranger ever asked if I were pregnant...just to see the look on their face!

Just to clarify, I am a woman.

  This has had me giggling for several minutes now. I love it.

[Kendo_Bunny]

I know I've mentioned on the board before that I struggle with bulimia. This came up one day at work, years ago, where I was unable to control myself and had to throw up in the work bathroom. I had the following conversation with a co-worker:

Co-worker: *in a congratulatory tone* So, how long have you been married?
Me: *confused* Oh, I'm not married.
Co-worker: *tone turns to one of sympathetic understanding* Ah. Have you decided what to do yet?
Me: *getting the picture* Yes - continue getting treatment for my eating disorder.

[hobish]

OMGoodness, you reminded me - my new favorite answer, given in a bewildered tone, "Do you ... need a speculum?" If y'all say that is rude then i will give up on that one; but i gotta say, i want someone to ask me just so i can use that line. Cheesesteaks and beer, here i come!! 

[Diane AKA Traska]

1)  "Well... we know (Boyfriend/Husband) is going to be a father... the problem is we have no idea who the mother is!"
2)  "Yes, with centuplets. The doctor's pretty sure I'm not going to need a C-section, but I might (burst/need the staging area cleared out in case of forceful projection.)"
3)  "Yes.  I'm due in 2017.  I just took up knitting, by the time the kid's born I should have his first three years of clothing done."
4)  ::Makes a circle out of the thumb and forefinger of both hands and bump them together::  "It...ah.. doesn't quite work that way."

[Ms_Cellany]

At our wedding reception, a friend's six-year-old daughter asked us, "Which of you is going to have the babies?"

I replied, "Honey, you need to ask your mom about a Very Special Word...menopause."

(Her mom, a very cool person, was losing it during the conversation)

[Nikko-chan]

Evil OG would want to say, 'No.  Are you?' or 'Not unless it is immaculate conception.'

But I think a good answer would be, 'Thank you for your concern' or 'Why do you want to know?'

Not unless it is immaculate conception was what I told the nurses when I went to my doctor for a test. They still gave me a pregnancy test though *sigh*. But yeah I would totally go with something politer to get them off your back.

[MrsJWine]

OMGoodness, you reminded me - my new favorite answer, given in a bewildered tone, "Do you ... need a speculum?" If y'all say that is rude then i will give up on that one; but i gotta say, i want someone to ask me just so i can use that line. Cheesesteaks and beer, here i come!! 

I think it's hilarious, and not rude. And I think being funny defuses many tense situations in a way rigid politeness can't. I think it's also much more effective at getting people to realize what they're saying/asking and getting them to stop.

[MommyPenguin]

I put my foot in it at church a few weeks ago!  I was chatting with this other woman who is rather large, especially in the belly area, and for some reason I got it in my head that she was pregnant (a lot of women in my class are, and I forget who, I guess).  So she said something about her 3-year-old, and I asked her if that was the only other child she had, "Other than this one" (meaning the one still inside).  She looked at me blankly, I suddenly put two and two together and I remembered that she'd said something about a baby, and I said, "I mean, other than the baby."  Whew.  I'm not sure whether she picked up that I'd forgotten she'd mentioned a young baby (8 weeks?) and was thinking she was still pregnant, or whether I covered it well enough.

My neighbor looks pregnant.  She looks, in fact, a lot more pregnant than I do.  Like, maybe due late summer?  I'm dying of curiosity about whether she's pregnant.  But of course I can't ask, and if I ask my kids if her kids have mentioned expecting a new baby sibling, there's a chance that my kids will *ask* her kids if there will be a new baby sibling and it'll get back to her, so... I just have to wait.  It's hard, though!  She was out trying to start the lawnmower today and having trouble, and I commiserated with her and mentioned how hard those things were, and how I struggled so much with mine, "With this pregnant belly in the way."  She said, "Oh, I know exactly what you mean!"  How unclear is that?  (She has two other kids, so she could be referring to the past.)  I did notice that she holds/rubs her stomach sometimes in a way that women *usually* only do when they're pregnant.  Ooh, maybe I should ask my kids if *they've* told her kids that we're expecting a new baby sister in October.  Then, if she *is* pregnant, maybe her kids will then tell mine.  Sneaky, sneaky.  Or, I could, you know, just wait.    But I'd at least like to get her a little gift, maybe bring by dinner one night after she delivers, if she really is.

[Mental Magpie]

1)  "Well... we know (Boyfriend/Husband) is going to be a father... the problem is we have no idea who the mother is!"
2)  "Yes, with centuplets. The doctor's pretty sure I'm not going to need a C-section, but I might (burst/need the staging area cleared out in case of forceful projection.)"
3)  "Yes.  I'm due in 2017.  I just took up knitting, by the time the kid's born I should have his first three years of clothing done."
4)  ::Makes a circle out of the thumb and forefinger of both hands and bump them together::  "It...ah.. doesn't quite work that way."

I've actually done number 4!  I was dating a girl at the time, so I wasn't lying, but the other person was talking about worrying about getting pregnant and I said I didn't have to worry.  She asked me why, so I did exactly as you said in number 4!

[Diane AKA Traska]

1)  "Well... we know (Boyfriend/Husband) is going to be a father... the problem is we have no idea who the mother is!"
2)  "Yes, with centuplets. The doctor's pretty sure I'm not going to need a C-section, but I might (burst/need the staging area cleared out in case of forceful projection.)"
3)  "Yes.  I'm due in 2017.  I just took up knitting, by the time the kid's born I should have his first three years of clothing done."
4)  ::Makes a circle out of the thumb and forefinger of both hands and bump them together::  "It...ah.. doesn't quite work that way."

I've actually done number 4!  I was dating a girl at the time, so I wasn't lying, but the other person was talking about worrying about getting pregnant and I said I didn't have to worry.  She asked me why, so I did exactly as you said in number 4!

 I can't decide if  or  is more appropriate!

[MissRose]

My mother has told me at times I look like I am pregnant but I am just fat.  But I've not played scrabble and unless I am the Virgin Mary, I am know I am not pregnant nor ever have been at any time.

My mother did get  a few people jokingly telling her she was getting married quickly because she was pregnant.  She was making wedding plans and told someone she had to get off the phone quickly to be sick.  She said she had the flu at the time, and it would have been one very long pregnancy because I was born about 1 1/2 years after she & my dad were married!

[Marbles]

I've been able to tell if a woman's pregnant with pretty good accuracy. However, I've never said anything to the women, because 1.) that's rude and 2.) that's creepy.

My DH can do the same thing. He wisely only comments about it to me in private. Even I find it a bit creepy that he's so attuned to the subtle shifts that happen to women's bodies. OTOH, I know that my pregnancies traumatized him, so it's likely self-preservation.