General Etiquette > Family and Children

Hang up

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hitpp:
I would like to get some advice.
My husband and I decided to move to be near my parents because we had a new baby.  My sister lives over 1000 miles away.  Since our move, it has been very difficult.  I knew that there would be an adjustment period, but I didn't expect it to be this difficult.  I think this is one of the issues (there are more).

My younger sister had a bad semester at college and felt I wasn't there for her.  I probably wasn't - we had just moved, got new jobs, all that stuff.  But when every phone call is the same, it is hard to help her.  Because of this, she started calling and yelling at me.  Because I was unable to get her to calm down, I finally hung up on her.  When she called back, I did not answer as she was not rational.  She left 4 of the most horrible voice mail messages I have ever heard, so I refused to call her back.  My younger sister didn't like this, so she began to tell my parents how horrible I was.  When I tried to defend myself to my parents, I was told that I was in the wrong because I hung up. 
Finally, I called my sister and she apologized.  I don't think that she told my parents, but when she came for Christmas, we were getting along.

Was I wrong to hang up or I am supposed to "suck it up?"

scansons:
I think you did right.  She's an adult.  Her problems at school are her problems and she has no business blaming you for any part of them, or taking out her frustration on you.  Boundries are important if you are going to live close to your family.  Do not accept her abuse, or your parent's.  Besides, hanging up on her does not equal mean phone messages in return.  I have a sister like this to.  Trust me.  You need to not let her make her problems yours.  It will just eat you alive. 

Clara Bow:
Rather than hanging up (and let me go on the record as saying that I don't blame you, we can't have perfect etiquette constantly, especially when someone is hurling abuse at us.) I think I would have said "Sis, I really love you and you have my sympathy but right now you're not thinking clearly and I don't want to have a fight with you. Why don't we retreat to our separate corners and calm down, then we'll talk later?" Of course I realize that I am speaking in terms of a perfect world....
You were right to apologize, sometimes we have to bow to being the bigger person. Your sister sounds a shade selfish and overindulged. Is it possible that she is jealous of you having a baby? Sometimes when siblings think that they are not gettting enough attention they can turn nasty. Try to be there for her, and try to offer constructive advice, but you don't have to be her wailing wall constantly. Don't be afraid to tell her you're busy or that you'll have to call her later.

ettacat:
I would have not defended myself at all to my parents, except I would have informed them that Sister is an adult and that she needs to act like one. The parents need to let her fend for herself. This was really none of their business.

Then, I would inform Sister that when she can act like an adult, you will speak to her. That, if she starts acting like a brat, you will hang up.

You don't have to take abuse from anyone. Don't. I am glad she decided to apologize, though. That shows she is at least trying.

She also needs to realize that you are married and have a child now. That she is not going to be first. When you marry, your spouse and children come first. That is not to say that you should let her twist in the wind if she really needs you. However, I wonder if some of this is jealousy.

Lisbeth:

--- Quote from: hitpp on December 29, 2006, 06:44:14 PM ---Was I wrong to hang up or I am supposed to "suck it up?"

--- End quote ---

Rather than do either, I would have let your sister rant until she needed to pause for breath, say, "It looks like this isn't a good time to talk.  Let's talk later.  'Bye."  Then I would have hung up.

You certainly aren't required to leave yourself open to verbal abuse on the phone, but hanging up while the other person is talking (even if they are ranting) IMO is like adding fuel to a fire.

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