Is an heirloom a REAL gift?

[missyg]

My 17 yr old son is hurt beyond words. His BIG Christmas present...unless you count an alarm clock and some other regifted junk... from his out of state father was a SSteel Rolex Perpetual that had originally been his father's grandfathers (purchased new in Switzerland in 1950).
It was given to his father when his grandfather passed in 1979. It originally had a matching metal band but his father had it cleaned and a leather strap added as the metal band was stretched out (? that's what his father said).There is no sentimentality here as my son and his fathers family have no relationship.
My son was hurt because his father had gifted his grown step sons, both in their late 20's, used solid gold/diamond  Rolex Presidential 's last Christmas.
Although my son was NOT expecting such a grand gift as his step brothers...truth be known he had asked for a laptop as he's graduating in May...he certainly wasn't expecting this as his only Christmas gift of value.

Comments?

Was this an appropriate gift?

His older sister got her grandmother's 1950's diamond face Hamilton as her gift...it went straight to the bottom of her jewelry box with a shake of her head. My ex's mother passed away last January and there is not a cash flow problem as she was worth over $25Million. He owns over $2Million in homes in 2 states and he gifted his now wife with a 2007 Mercedes E500 for helping care for his mother the last 6 months of her life....her and 6 round the clock nurses and a fulltime household staff of 3...woop.


 

[gjcva1]

missy, i don't know how to answer this.  personally, i do think an heirloom is a real gift.  and that gift can come as a surprise as to monetary value.  my FIH gave my daughter a pin after the death of my MIL.  she is planning to wear it at her wedding.  we had it appraised.  it was worth nearly $2K.

then again, i went through a box today of mementos.  they aren't worth a dingdangity thing monetarily, but there are things i have from my grandparents on both sides.  i'm sorry that your son didn't receive a gift that he wanted.  

[MadMadge43]

My parent's were never strapped for cash either, but often would pass down family heirlooms at Christmas time. There are things that I still treasure there are other things I sighed and moved on.

My father used to say it was bogus because we were going to inherit it anyway, so in his mind my mom basically chose to give us things that were techinically already ours.

But I also realize that these gifts also mean so much to the giver to be able to pass down.

I think I would only make up  my mind if I knew Dad was known to be cheap and always give hand-me-downs that weren't of sentimental value. I would have preferred if he had give it to them in a nice moment and explained the history of why it was so important. If he had done that, then I think your son would be wrong to complain. But if he just opened up a jewelry box and took out whatever they no longer used and shipped it off, than I would be annoyed.

[kareng57]

Yes, it certainly can be a real gift.  I don't see what was wrong with it in this case.  Your ex's net worth has nothing to do with it; I've known of very wealthy people who are quite frugal regarding gifts to their children.

It might not have been what your son was expecting - but we don't always get what we want.  Personally I would consider a laptop to be a very extravagant gift for an 18-year-old - but keep in mind that it's possible his dad his saving that for a graduation gift.

[Clara Bow]

I think that an heirloom is a real gift, and there's nothing wrong with giving one, I think it was a touching gesture. You don't give your father's watch to just anyone....

[jfulle5]

Did he get him anything else or just the watch? Does he have a relationship with his father? If the answer to these questions are no then it might not have been the right gift. I think heirlooms are better given at other times, so you can truly appreciate them. Kids (yes people my age(23) and younger) arent exspecting heirlooms, they want something nice/new, and I can see how he might feel it is a cop-out gift.

[missyg]

The children have no sincere relationship with their father.
Our daughter was injured 14 years ago ( we had been divorced 2 years) and is in a wheelchair and her father hasn't seen her but 3 times in 14 years.
Until his mothers death this year there has very little contact.

My son was asked  to come to the family vacation  home in Wisconsin for the holidays.He chose not to go because his sister cannot access any of her father's homes so she is never included. He explained this to his father who just spent $20K on his step grandkids play yard but won't ramp an entry...won't even buy removable ramps so his only daughter can visit. Her grandmother, his mother who passed in Jan, also ignored her after the injury stating she wanted to remember her grandaughter the way she was not how she was now.

This is exactly what his family did when we were young marrieds and he absolutely hated it.Would go on and on about it for days.  We would get re gifted junk while his mother showered her stepchildren with expensive presents. My ex had a box in his closet filled with do dads from here and there some items passed on as gifts after they would redecorate their homes and then give them to us for Christmas or anniversaries, clothes that were the wrong size etc his mother had picked up for him while traveling and always in a box that was NOT where they came from and never had a tag on them so there was never a chance to "correct" a "mistake".
She always bought clothing in her exact size for me...we never wore the same size as she was 3 inches taller than me and I was 2 sizes smaller...6 Reg vs 2 Petite...so nothing fit and to please her for 15 years I would pay a seamstress to alter the clothing and she would just crow at parties about her wonderful eye for clothes and how we wore the same size. I would cringe as others would look at us with wide eyes. I would never have said a word to my MIL...her son could have but he chose not to say anything.


I cannot imagine justifying a behavior that was so hurtful to oneself and then passing the same insult on to ones child.

[CynthiaBelle]

I think that in the explained case, this is not an appropriate gift. The only reason I say that is because your son and his father do not have a relationship (according to your comments). Heirlooms are better appreciated with they can be shared through memories and thoughts and to build a relationship closer\stronger.

Just my two cents....

[freakyfemme]

Yes, it certainly can be a real gift.  I don't see what was wrong with it in this case.  Your ex's net worth has nothing to do with it; I've known of very wealthy people who are quite frugal regarding gifts to their children.

It might not have been what your son was expecting - but we don't always get what we want.  Personally I would consider a laptop to be a very extravagant gift for an 18-year-old - but keep in mind that it's possible his dad his saving that for a graduation gift.

Well, my brother was 18 last year, and we both got laptops--me at Christmas time, him earlier that year, in the fall, because we both needed them.  My old computer (a six-year-old hand-me-down) was on its last legs, and it didn't make sense to buy me another desktop model that'd have to be shipped back and forth to Quebec, and my brother needed something he could pick up and take to the library with him, because the computer lab there was always full.  So, in both of our cases, holding off on the laptops until graduation wouldn't have made sense, since we needed them for school in the first place.  Of course, if the OP's son is just now graduating high school, and will likely be receiving a laptop in June, then I guess it's not a huge deal.

[sammycat]

I think that in the explained case, this is not an appropriate gift. The only reason I say that is because your son and his father do not have a relationship (according to your comments). Heirlooms are better appreciated with they can be shared through memories and thoughts and to build a relationship closer\stronger.

I agree that in this specific case the gift was not appropriate, as there does not seem to be any sentimentality, from your son's side at least, in relation to this present.

[kareng57]

Yes, it certainly can be a real gift.  I don't see what was wrong with it in this case.  Your ex's net worth has nothing to do with it; I've known of very wealthy people who are quite frugal regarding gifts to their children.

It might not have been what your son was expecting - but we don't always get what we want.  Personally I would consider a laptop to be a very extravagant gift for an 18-year-old - but keep in mind that it's possible his dad his saving that for a graduation gift.

Well, my brother was 18 last year, and we both got laptops--me at Christmas time, him earlier that year, in the fall, because we both needed them.  My old computer (a six-year-old hand-me-down) was on its last legs, and it didn't make sense to buy me another desktop model that'd have to be shipped back and forth to Quebec, and my brother needed something he could pick up and take to the library with him, because the computer lab there was always full.  So, in both of our cases, holding off on the laptops until graduation wouldn't have made sense, since we needed them for school in the first place.  Of course, if the OP's son is just now graduating high school, and will likely be receiving a laptop in June, then I guess it's not a huge deal.

You might think I'm behind the times - but yes, I do think that laptops from parents are an extravagant gift.  If parents can afford them (it sounds as though yours can) then that's fine.  But there truly are students out there who have to make do with the computer labs in school and college, and they somehow manage.  The same could be said for parents who give a car to kids, figuring that it's necessary for them to get to and from college.  It's a nice perk, but plenty of their classmates are getting there via public transit.

[kareng57]

The children have no sincere relationship with their father.
Our daughter was injured 14 years ago ( we had been divorced 2 years) and is in a wheelchair and her father hasn't seen her but 3 times in 14 years.
Until his mothers death this year there has very little contact.

My son was asked  to come to the family vacation  home in Wisconsin for the holidays.He chose not to go because his sister cannot access any of her father's homes so she is never included. He explained this to his father who just spent $20K on his step grandkids play yard but won't ramp an entry...won't even buy removable ramps so his only daughter can visit. Her grandmother, his mother who passed in Jan, also ignored her after the injury stating she wanted to remember her grandaughter the way she was not how she was now.

This is exactly what his family did when we were young marrieds and he absolutely hated it.Would go on and on about it for days.  We would get re gifted junk while his mother showered her stepchildren with expensive presents. My ex had a box in his closet filled with do dads from here and there some items passed on as gifts after they would redecorate their homes and then give them to us for Christmas or anniversaries, clothes that were the wrong size etc his mother had picked up for him while traveling and always in a box that was NOT where they came from and never had a tag on them so there was never a chance to "correct" a "mistake".
She always bought clothing in her exact size for me...we never wore the same size as she was 3 inches taller than me and I was 2 sizes smaller...6 Reg vs 2 Petite...so nothing fit and to please her for 15 years I would pay a seamstress to alter the clothing and she would just crow at parties about her wonderful eye for clothes and how we wore the same size. I would cringe as others would look at us with wide eyes. I would never have said a word to my MIL...her son could have but he chose not to say anything.


I cannot imagine justifying a behavior that was so hurtful to oneself and then passing the same insult on to ones child.

Then I would have to ask - if his family history is like this, then why would expect anything different from him?  I can't imagine that suddenly getting expensive gifts from their dad would make up for the minimal contact they've gotten from him over the years.  I'm certainly not wanting to play psychoanalyst here, but you obviously have your own issues with the gifts you've gotten from his side over the years, and it does sound as though you've decided to be insulted on your kids' behalf.  Their relationship with their dad is their business (except where child-support is concerned, of course) and you might just have to let this go.

[TZ]

I absolutely think that heirlooms are real gifts, even in this case.  I have a pair of costume earrings that were my great grandmother's.  I've never met GGM.  She died when my mom was 5, and my mom wasn't particularly close to her or fond of her.  My/my mom's lack of a relationship with the earrings' original possessor doesn't really matter.  The earrings are part of my history, regardless of their monetary or sentimental value, and I'm very glad to have them. 

A vintage Rolex isn't exactly some hunk of junk that somebody dug up, either.  When my BF inherited his father and grandfather's vintage watches, the first thing he did was get rid of his brand new Rolex, which was not nearly as valuable as the older ones.  Your son may not have gotten what he wanted, but he did get a pretty nice gift.   

Overall, I agree with kareng57's original assessment.

[FoxPaws]

Have the jewelry appraised. Once a gift is given, it is a recipients to do with as they wish; if after finding out the value, your kids (not you) still feel like they got short changed, they can always e-bay the stuff and buy what they really want with the proceeds.

Whoever is telling you and your kids what/how much he gives his wife and stepkids needs to be told to butt out and shut up. It serves no useful purpose for them to know these things. Their dad has turned out to be a jerk. That's a shame - it really is - but knowing how much of jerk isn't helping anybody move on with their lives.

[willow08]

It sounds like his dad had sort of a watch theme going. And he gave your son a significant family heirloom. It's very special and in a few years, your son will appreciate having it. I would say it counts as a thoughtful gift.


 (P.S. Think about how he would feel if that history was passed to another son.) In his teenage mind, it's not as good as a laptop, but maybe he'll get one in May. Help him see that his dad was making a loving gesture.