Is an heirloom a REAL gift?

[Alida]

I guess I'm of the thought that it is still a gift.  A 1950s diamond faced Hamilton tends to sell for well over $3000.00 - if older sister is unahppy, she can always have it appraised and sell it, using the funds for something else she'd like.

I'm still focusing on that household staff, though... that would be nice

[Pixie]

You know, I have been storing things in my house for years from my late mother which are to go to my daughters when they are "old enough".... which in my mind is when they have a place to put them and use them.    After reading this, I'm wondering if I should just sell the stuff, it means the world to me, but may not have meaning to my daughters. 

Now I feel bad that I gave my 2nd daughter my Grandmother's pearls for her 16th birthday, (along with a gift certificate to i-tunes)   and gave my oldest daughter my great-Grandmother's silver locket for her 18th birthday (along with a hand made  quilt).

[Lauren]

DON'T give away that stuff! I know personally I love all the stuff my grandparents give me that was theirs. It means something. I can't stand one of my grandmothers, but when she gave me her schoolbooks from her childhood (England during WW2) I was thrilled.

To the OP, I do think you're letting your own personal feelings get in the way here. Your son was given a family heirloom, that is worth quite a bit. Just because its "old" dosen't mean its not a real gift. You need to teach your kids to accept gifts gratefully. Your ex-husband sounds like a massive bottom, especilly in your daughter's case, but he's still their father.

[lolane]

Don't give the stuff away! My mother has no relationship with her biological father, and I have only met him a handful of times. However, when she was young he gave her a ring that he had made with a stone that she's always admired in one of his rings. She loved the ring, even though she wasn't close to the giver, and she gave me the ring on my birthday a couple of years ago. It meant the world to me, and I most certainly didn't feel "shortchanged" for not getting a "real" gift.

I think that a gift is a gift, you don't have to like the gift, but to make a stink about it and complain is not productive. Furthermore, no one is entitled any gift, especially not one as extravagant as a laptop, no matter how much money the giver has.

[Tarendol]

This case is a little unusual but for me personally heirlooms make the best gifts. My most precious possession is a wicker basket my great-grandmother wove (and my mother gave to me). Monetarily (and functionally) it is worthless but to me it is more valuable than all the other things I own combined.

[Evil Duckie]

It is understandable how your son feels. As to heirlooms being presents, yes.

Your son might not appreciate the vintage Rolex now but put it away and may be in time he will appreciate it. It is a piece of his history. He might never have much to do with his Dad, but he is still part of him.

[stanthedevil]

You know, I have been storing things in my house for years from my late mother which are to go to my daughters when they are "old enough".... which in my mind is when they have a place to put them and use them.    After reading this, I'm wondering if I should just sell the stuff, it means the world to me, but may not have meaning to my daughters. 

Now I feel bad that I gave my 2nd daughter my Grandmother's pearls for her 16th birthday, (along with a gift certificate to i-tunes)   and gave my oldest daughter my great-Grandmother's silver locket for her 18th birthday (along with a hand made  quilt).

I sincerely hope that you are being facetious.  I had no relationship with my Grandmother because she died several years before I was born.  I cannot tell you how much her engagement ring means to me.  My aunt gave it to me after I completed my junior recital because "grandma loved music so much and she would be so proud of you."  I'm tearing up right now just typing the words.

I kept the ring in my mom's jewelry box for a couple of years, but then I realized that it was silly to have jewelry that I never wore. I had the ring resized and I never remove it any more.  Heirloom gifts may not seem important to a teenager, but I sincerely believe that most will grow in value to the recepient as they age.

[andi]

Heirlooms are wonderful gifts IMO, even if you didn't have a relationship wiht the person (or not so good relationship)  i think quite often the true meaning of a piece takes a while to set in and truely appreciate.  i have my mother's wedding ring (she passed away before i turned 2) and it means the world to me.  i was always envious of a friend of mine who had several items (furniture and jewelry) that had belonged to her relatives - they seemed to have so much meaning and history.

i think your son will come to appreciate the gift later - maybe it is a "token" of something bigger his father is trying to share and doesn't know how.  in the meantime - i don't think he's too far off to be a bit disappointed either. 

[kckgirl]

My great-great-great grandmother was married in 1854 and died in 1929, when my father was a little over 2 years old. Her ring sat in a box for almost 70 years. When I went home for my father's funeral, my mother gave me the ring and said that Daddy had been planning to give it to me later that same year when they came to visit. I wore it home so it wouldn't get lost, and while trying to figure out what to do with it, got a lot of comments on it. A co-worker said not to "do" anything with it; jewelry is meant to be worn. So, I've been wearing it since May 1998, and my daughter and granddaughter know that they also will have a turn to own it in the future. The ring is beautiful and probably isn't worth a lot of money, but you can't buy it from me for any price.

My point is that I had no relationship with the original owner. She died over 25 years before I was born, but I cherish the gift because it belonged to and was given by my family and will last longer than any other gift I've ever been given.

Please don't let your own opinions of your XH color the situation. They have been given very nice gifts, and apparently XH felt they were now old enough to appreciate them. I hope they'll take care of them until they truly can appreciate them.

[RJeeves]

During the 16 years of post-divorce shabby treatment, how can the son be "hurt beyond words?"

Please, please help your kids tamper their expectations when it comes to their father. To do otherwise would be very emotionally unhealthy for them long-term. I completely understand that parental neglect always hurts to some degree, but considering the precedent, it should not have the effect that it does.

Someone's fanning the flames of hope for your kids, which means they are liable to get really hurt every time they are slighted and that's really not a good thing.

[platys]

It seems like you are really hung up on the value of things, and who has given who what.   It sounds like how your ex has treated his daughter is shameful, certainly.  And your son has every right to decide where he wants to spend his time. 

But I would say heirlooms are presents - my grandmother gave me my great grandmother's 1940s china as an engagement gift.  I got to use them for the first time this christmas, and it was wonderful.  The china isn't particularly valuable, but I love it, and am very happy I was given it.

I don't have a relationship with my father, but I do have my great grandmother's console table frpm his side.  I cherish it.  I have an antique desk he gave me - I've carted it everywhere, and I always find a place for it, even though its too small to be practical.  (It's acting as a table in my entry way for mail and such now.)

[Rose2Bear]

I agree with the other posters in that by what you have said, it doens't seem to make sense that you and your son are so shocked that he got what he views to be a subpar Christmas present.

Maybe your son will come to see some sentimental significance in the watch one day, but if not, its not like it was just a cheap watch (same with your daughters, too), you have to give your ex credit there, so just sell it and buy the computer with that.  If it was a dinky $5 watch then yes, that would be a bad gift, but the fact is you can sell that gift if it means nothing, so I don't see why your son should feel that hurt.

[supernova]

Were these appropriate gifts?  No, giving heirloom watches worth thousands of dollars to teenagers is probably not appropriate; if I were the giver I'd save them until a really special occasion, like a wedding.  Teenagers aren't really old enough to appreciate the sentimental value or the monetary value of such things.

But "hurt beyond words" I have a problem with. 

I'm also not seeing the importance of the OP's ex's financial worth, or the value of the gifts the other family members received.  Were the watches to the stepbrothers new or more valuable?  And if they were...  so? 

A poor or inappropriate gift would have been:

- nothing
- clothes or toys for a much younger child
- used clothing in poor condition
- "a donation to charity has been made in your name"
etc.

Regardless of the gift, however, the only possible response is, "Thank you; I'll treasure it."  Even if the kids decide to turn right around and hock them on eBay and buy their laptops or PS3s or whatever it is they really want with the proceeds.  And if they do, I just hope they don't regret it someday.

     - saphie

[Lysitheia]

Slightly OT:

I have to respectfully disagree with the assertion that teens are unable to appreciate the sentimental and monetary value of heirlooms. I am eighteen, and treasure my (deceased) grandmother's locket far more than the gift certifcates and gee-gaws from my relatives.

Not only am I aware that it is somewhat valuable (antiques are a passion of mine, actually) but it also a connection with the grandmother I hardly knew. She was a bitter, hostile, self pitying woman-- doesn't her fondess for such a lovely thing add a demension of depth to her character, make me see the woman she might have been?

My opinion is worth what you paid for it, of course.

[Lauren]

I was 9 when I was given my great-grandfather's cornet. My great-grandma gave it to me for Xmas the year before I turned 10. I treasure that, even though I no longer play, I do still hold it occasionly. Its something I want to give to my kids.

It extra special, as originally it was my 10th B'day present from her in the July, but she decided it would be easier for me to start learning in the new school year (Aus school years are calender years). She died that Feb. It meant so much more coming from my grandmother, than as an inheritance.

*sniff* Another one tearing up now.