• March 23, 2018, 12:04:54 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: “We are always late, but no one should mind…” “I do mind” (really long)  (Read 15903 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


  • Member
  • Posts: 5019
Re: “We are always late, but no one should mind…” “I do mind” UPDATE
« Reply #75 on: October 18, 2011, 11:41:10 AM »
We get to M&S at 6:30, both siblings arrive shortly after that, and youngest sibling explains that his wife and kids won’t be joining us as they “had some tough calls to make for scheduling.”  This I understood to be in reference to it being a school night for the kids, but I don’t know whether or not it was also in reference to the leisurely pace at which M&S generally proceed for any dinner.


We all had a nice visit, talk ranged over lots of stuff, admired new house detail, etc.  At a pause in the conversation I asked “so, where are we going to dinner?”  Both siblings leapt at that, saying, “yes, should we be going now?”  And we all did, within a record for “out the door” time (for M&S) of about 10 minutes.  We were at M&S’ favorite restaurant (where they are *beloved* and treated very well), before 8.  When the server came and offered to take drink orders, I said “May we order dinner now?”  We did (we all know the menu by heart, so not too difficult).  We were eating within a few minutes of 8.  On the extra plus side, we all had lots of time *after* dinner to continue visiting. 

It sounds like your siblings are also on board with you, and that's great.  The more people who make it crystal clear that late evenings are incredibly difficult and inconvenient, the more likely your M&S may be to sticking to plans and eating at a time that works better for the majority (you included). 

I'd reach out to them to talk more about how you can back each other up on this.  Since your M likes family dinners so much, she may be more accommodating of your dietary needs and your nieces & nephews' school schedules if it means that she can enjoy everyone's company more often. 
I am grateful for the friends I have made on EHell and everything I have learned, but it is time I move on.


  • Member
  • Posts: 543
I'm glad the OP finally had a pleasant night out with her mom and step-dad. Maybe I missed in in this rather long thread -- but has the OP and her mom and step-dad ever specifically discussed how rude it is to serve (or go to) dinner significantly later than the invitation states?

Yes, I understand about the OP's digestive issues, but even if the OP didn't have them, IMHO, it is incredibly rude to not have dinner until 9 when your invitees are told to expect dinner around 7-7:30. (I can see if the stove is on the fritz or something, but consistently?)

Again, maybe I missed it. If so, I'm sorry.


  • Member
  • Posts: 1621
With apologies renewed for length of prior posts, and responding to lkb:

What prompted my initial post was a conversation with my mother, and a dinner which followed.  She had stated that M&S' friends "don't mind" that M&S are always late (due to S), I responded that their friends may mind quite a bit - and I then *thought* we furthered our joint understanding on what was within a mutually acceptable range for *us*.   Following our next dinner together, which was "same as it ever is" I felt moved to type a lot here.

While neither my mother or I expressly said "well, being late is rude" it was implied that we agreed it was, the difference of opinion seems (in hindsight) to have been whether it is reasonable to expect that family/friends always excuse "lateness" as "not rude, so much as a habit to be accomodated - when it's a particular person."

I believe my mother fully recognizes the rudeness, but faced with a choice between creating friction with S *or* accepting "his way is his way" she chooses the latter, and assumes that everyone else will do so as well.  Which may actually be true for most/all of their friends, but I've past the saturation point.  And, that may or may not ever happen with their friends, I'm not sure.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain


  • I am a rock, I am an island
  • Member
  • Posts: 29273
  • a/k/a KeenReader
You may have to say to your mother, "Mom, we realize you don't want to create friction with Stepdad, but 'his way is the way' doesn't work for the rest of us.  It might not even work for your friends.  I'd actually check with them on that rather than just assuming because they haven't spoken up to you about it.  Their silence on the matter doesn't mean that they appreciate the way Stepdad treats them.  If it always has to be his way even when it doesn't work for us, then we can't get together at all.  There will have to be some compromise on your part, if not his."
I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.


  • Member
  • Posts: 267
Buv, I am SO impressed with your update. You did an excellent job of examining your feelings and figuring out what the real problem was.

I don't foresee any more issues with M&S because you've realized the things you have control over, the things you don't, and you've set boundaries with M&S. You've given them a heads up, so if they choose to head down that old road they are aware of the consequences.

Excellent update!


  • Member
  • Posts: 209
I would be frustrated as well.  Have you fully explained your need/want to eat before 8pm?  Is it a medical condition?  A must be in bed by a certain time thing?  I think that they may want a reason, not that you need to give one.  Just a thought.

I pretty much turn into the incredible hulk if I haven't eaten dinner by 8 PM on weekdays (after breakfast at 6 and lunch at 12, dinner is a long way off).  I can go from being hungry at 7:30 PM to starving and biting DH's head off at 8:15 if dinner or some substantial amount of food is not on its way.  Even having a big snack at 5 PM doesn't always stave off evilEarthgirl.

OP, I sympathize, it took the better part of a year and a half to get DH to realize that this was something that I really needed him to work with me about. 


  • Member
  • Posts: 33954
I'm glad that worked well and hope it bodes well for the future.

One suggestion if conversations around this start to get snarled up again, though...I think that, just like teens should feel free to "blame" their parents when they need to get out of a sticky situation ("Oh yeah that unsupervised party sounds great but my mom will kill me, I mean really kill me, then ground me for life and tie me to the bed, if I go...."), you should feel free to creatively "blame" the doctors.  Rather than calling your medical discussions "recommendations," say "the doctors INSIST I don't eat after 8."  If your mom or SD use the words "I know you like to..." say "it's really not about what I "like."  I'd "like" to be able to eat at midnight.  It's the doctors.  I really have to eat before 8."  Etc. 

I just feel like the more the language indicates it's a necessity, not a preference, the better.

Clap, clap, clap!

Also, words like "crucial" and "necessary" are helpful.