So, it's been a few years now for me and BF. We both live at home and we've been studying/training for most of our rel@tionship (we're now mid-20s, he's a few years older than me). He has a small amount of debt but a great new job so he's paying it off fast. I have savings but I'm transitioning from study to a full-time job so my current part-time job isn't putting me on the fast-track to home ownership or anything. I'm a saver by nature and doing okay though.
A few years ago, some of BF's friends had a rough time with unplanned pregnancies. Both friends are guys and from what I hear, feel like they were tricked by girls who wanted babies, so now one pays child support for a kid he never sees and the other ended up getting back together with the girlfriend. I'm not close enough to say anything further on the situation. The point is that BF seems to see having kids as a far-away thing, more of a burden than anything. In the past he's told me that he does want kids in the future. Lately he doesn't like me talking about kids, even though I told him I can wait up to 10 years for us to be ready. There's no pressure if it doesn't happen at all. Right now, his young cousins give me all the kid-time I need.
Meanwhile, his older sister is getting married soon. Two years ago, at a family gathering when they announced the engagement, BF's mother commented "I wonder who will be next?" and looked at BF and I! So we're not a new couple, I'm not a crazy GF who automatically thinks that a rel@tionship = an engagement. BF has stated, in the past, that he wants to get married one day. Recently, I casually mentioned that I was seeing my three best friends, and how it would be nice to see all three together because it probably won't happen again for a few years, possibly when they come to town to be my bridesmaids. And I'm talking 5-8 years in the future here - one is my sister but the other two live overseas. I specifically stated 5-8 years. I said "when I'm 30 or so." And he said stop talking about getting married like it's going to happen that soon!!
Anyway, on to the last incident. I mentioned something about my future wedding, I think it was about registries because we were in a department store. I used the phrase "when I marry you, or whoever I trick into proposing to me," and he was confused. I told him straight out that the way he talks, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry me. It wasn't the place for a further discussion but he never brought it up again.
And finally, my questions:
1. Given how long we've been together, and that we both believe in marriage, and (probably) want kids, is it wrong/rude to talk about distant-future theoretical plans?
2. Does it seem to you that he's having cold feet about the rel@tionship, or just the thought of marriage? The latter I can work with but the former, well, he needs to figure that out for himself.
Now on to the bonus round. BF says he's thinking about buying a house with his friend. BF is paying off his debt and then saving for a house. His friend apparently has savings but not enough income to make a full mortgage payment each week. So they had briefly spoken about buying a house together. In the past, BF and I were going to buy a house together. I also have savings and half a mortgage payment weekly but he seems to think going in with his friend is a good idea. I asked the hard questions - what if one of you looses your job? What if one of you wants/needs to move? What about when it's paid off, and one of you marries or has a kid, who will move out? The housing market is rough here, it's hard to afford anything decent. By the time a house is paid off, it's worth much more than the purchase price. So they would have to sell it and split the money to be fair rather than one finding a ton of money to buy the other out. And it will take a minimum of 15 years to pay off so he's stuck living with this friend, or whoever the friend leases his share to, in that time.
Further background, BF isn't great at forward-thinking when it comes to money. He bought an expensive car that he's still paying off, and it's a fancy thing with a low resale value except to a collector/enthusiast. He bought an entertainment system for his room, well two while we've been together but one on a credit card that he's still paying off two years later. I hate shopping with him because he'll buy things like clothes, shoes, DVDs, whatever he likes when he should put that money towards his debt. He has a bunch of gaming systems, computers, all sorts of things. IMHO he has no idea how to live within his means. He thinks that if he wants something, he should be able to have it. His parents didn't have much when he was growing up but now they seem to replace things at will - they recently replaced all their small kitchen appliances because they wanted to get ones that matched the new kitchen colour scheme. Meanwhile my parents have made their own money (not coming from money themselves) and I've been brought up to live comfortably but to never take on debt if I can help it (I've never even had a credit card). For example, my parents have and would wait for appliances to break before replacing them to match a new style in the kitchen.
3. Am I wrong to ask the hard questions about this house purchase? If I marry BF I also marry his financial decisions so that's part of my concern.
4. How do I keep my annoying little nose out of BF's finances?? He's told me how much he owes (I didn't ask) and how his new job pays. I just need to find a way to disconnect myself from his money.
And my final comment. Recently I have considered that BF is sending me signals that he doesn't think our rel@tionship is going anywhere. Well he's been my only ever BF so I have no idea how these things go. We don't have much in common but we like hanging out together. We have been on a few weekend trips and more recently I lived overseas for 6 months and he came and travelled with me for 2 months, which was stressful (we covered a lot of distance in those 2 months, more than most travellers would cover in 3-4 months) but we both look back on it fondly. Our initial attraction was that (professions changed) he's a builder and I'm a civil engineer. So we can talk about work and understand each other.
This has been a hard post for me to write and I welcome all comments. Thank you.