Etiquette School is in session! > "So kind of you to take an interest."

Should I use this on my mother?

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Mental Magpie:
BG: My best friend is 22. She cheated on her husband, the stinky brown stuff hit the fan, and the emotional abuse really started to get heavy.  She feels like she deserves it because of what she did.  END BG.

I told my mother of the most recent altercation (in which he went to jail for putting his hands on her (the first time something physical has happened)).  I also told her about something my best friend said to me that just goes to show how emotionally abused she is.  My mother then said, "Tell her to grow up."  I was down right insulted and wanted to tell my mother something including expletives.  I did not, and of course, would never.  I did, however, say, "No, mom, it's not about growing up; it's about being emotionally abused."  My mother replied, "No, she needs to grow up."  I think it was only years of conditioning to not backtalk my mother that kept my mouth shut; or a miracle.

Now, the thing with my mom is that if she disagrees with it, it's wrong.  For example, using the current situation: there is no possibility that my best friend was emotionally abused because her actions are only a result of immaturity; there is absolutely no way it could be anything else.  It is mostly useless to argue with my mother about those sorts of things, the things in which if she does not agree with it then it must be wrong; but I'm tired of being insulted, even if it is for my friend's benefit.

If I was to tell my mother that she insulted me, one of three things would occur.  1) She would get angry at me, would start to argue her point, and would not let me get a word in edgewise.  Furthermore, nothing I could say would change her mind about her viewpoint; and I would spend the rest of the day on her bad side, which would only make me angrier because I had done nothing wrong!. 2) She would shrug and say, "Oh, well," which may be followed by, "What do you want me to say?"  Even if I did reply, "How about sorry?" she would go on to say that she was not sorry. 3) She would apologize, but it would be short and seem almost insincere.

I am going off of 23 years of experience with my mom as to why I think the aforementioned things.  My question is, when my best friend comes up again, what do I say to my mom?  FWIW, my mom is a medical doctor; she knows the signs of mental abuse and knows that it is real.  I have no idea why she suddenly thinks that this is a matter of simply growing up instead of a response to mental abuse.

(P.S. I would not classify my mother is a toxic person, but there are certainly some things that may make her seem that way.)

twiggy:
I don't think the "so kind of you to take an interest" line is appropriate here. She didn't take an interest. You were telling her something that didn't concern her. I guess I'm wondering why your mom needed to know. Do you usually share things like this with her? If you don't like what your mom has to say, don't bring up friend or friend's situation to your mom in the future.
This may not apply to your situation, but if I confided in a friend about such a difficult/painful thing as infidelity, and abuse, I would be mortified to find out that my friend had decided to share it with anyone.

FlyingBaconMouse:
I'm watching this thread with interest, because only your mom being a doctor keeps me from thinking we are sisters.  ::) One of my relatives has had severe issues with depression, and Mom has said several times it's because people that age are lazy, and that if Relative only did some volunteer work, it would all go away.  (Interestingly, Mom changed her tune for a while after having to actually spend a weekend with this person, but it's coming back slowly.) As far as I can tell, there is no civilized reply to things like that...but if there is, e-Hellions will have it!

O'Dell:
Dark MagdalenaMy question is, when my best friend comes up again, what do I say to my mom?  FWIW, my mom is a medical doctor; she knows the signs of mental abuse and knows that it is real.  I have no idea why she suddenly thinks that this is a matter of simply growing up instead of a response to mental abuse.

Why would your friend come up again? Will your mom ask about her? That was common enough with my mom. We knew each others friends and took an interest in them, so that seems natural enough to me. If it would be you bringing her up, then think about not doing it and saving yourself the aggravation.

Appeal to her medical expertise. Ask her why, as a medical doctor, she thinks it's immaturity rather than emotional abuse. Question her about the signs that you've seen that seem to fit emotional abuse. Why does she think they don't apply in this case? Get her into her professional pattern of thinking and see if her opinion changes.

Mental Magpie:
Twiggy: My best friend has asked me to ask my mom advice on the situation, and she (my best friend) does not mind that I have told my mom.  My mom also inquires about the situation from time to time.

FlyingBaconMouse: That sounds like something my mother would do!

Sway: I did not think of that; that is absolutely brilliant. I will update when the conversation arises.

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