Author Topic: Should I use this on my mother?  (Read 17244 times)

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Mental Magpie

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Should I use this on my mother?
« on: August 06, 2011, 02:14:39 AM »
BG: My best friend is 22. She cheated on her husband, the stinky brown stuff hit the fan, and the emotional abuse really started to get heavy.  She feels like she deserves it because of what she did.  END BG.

I told my mother of the most recent altercation (in which he went to jail for putting his hands on her (the first time something physical has happened)).  I also told her about something my best friend said to me that just goes to show how emotionally abused she is.  My mother then said, "Tell her to grow up."  I was down right insulted and wanted to tell my mother something including expletives.  I did not, and of course, would never.  I did, however, say, "No, mom, it's not about growing up; it's about being emotionally abused."  My mother replied, "No, she needs to grow up."  I think it was only years of conditioning to not backtalk my mother that kept my mouth shut; or a miracle.

Now, the thing with my mom is that if she disagrees with it, it's wrong.  For example, using the current situation: there is no possibility that my best friend was emotionally abused because her actions are only a result of immaturity; there is absolutely no way it could be anything else.  It is mostly useless to argue with my mother about those sorts of things, the things in which if she does not agree with it then it must be wrong; but I'm tired of being insulted, even if it is for my friend's benefit.

If I was to tell my mother that she insulted me, one of three things would occur.  1) She would get angry at me, would start to argue her point, and would not let me get a word in edgewise.  Furthermore, nothing I could say would change her mind about her viewpoint; and I would spend the rest of the day on her bad side, which would only make me angrier because I had done nothing wrong!. 2) She would shrug and say, "Oh, well," which may be followed by, "What do you want me to say?"  Even if I did reply, "How about sorry?" she would go on to say that she was not sorry. 3) She would apologize, but it would be short and seem almost insincere.

I am going off of 23 years of experience with my mom as to why I think the aforementioned things.  My question is, when my best friend comes up again, what do I say to my mom?  FWIW, my mom is a medical doctor; she knows the signs of mental abuse and knows that it is real.  I have no idea why she suddenly thinks that this is a matter of simply growing up instead of a response to mental abuse.

(P.S. I would not classify my mother is a toxic person, but there are certainly some things that may make her seem that way.)
« Last Edit: August 06, 2011, 02:16:16 AM by Dark Magdalena »
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

twiggy

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2011, 04:55:27 AM »
I don't think the "so kind of you to take an interest" line is appropriate here. She didn't take an interest. You were telling her something that didn't concern her. I guess I'm wondering why your mom needed to know. Do you usually share things like this with her? If you don't like what your mom has to say, don't bring up friend or friend's situation to your mom in the future.
This may not apply to your situation, but if I confided in a friend about such a difficult/painful thing as infidelity, and abuse, I would be mortified to find out that my friend had decided to share it with anyone.
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

FlyingBaconMouse

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2011, 07:59:25 AM »
I'm watching this thread with interest, because only your mom being a doctor keeps me from thinking we are sisters.  ::) One of my relatives has had severe issues with depression, and Mom has said several times it's because people that age are lazy, and that if Relative only did some volunteer work, it would all go away.  (Interestingly, Mom changed her tune for a while after having to actually spend a weekend with this person, but it's coming back slowly.) As far as I can tell, there is no civilized reply to things like that...but if there is, e-Hellions will have it!
I don't kill threads, but I do seem to stun 'em pretty good. :-)

O'Dell

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2011, 08:11:39 AM »
Dark MagdalenaMy question is, when my best friend comes up again, what do I say to my mom?  FWIW, my mom is a medical doctor; she knows the signs of mental abuse and knows that it is real.  I have no idea why she suddenly thinks that this is a matter of simply growing up instead of a response to mental abuse.

Why would your friend come up again? Will your mom ask about her? That was common enough with my mom. We knew each others friends and took an interest in them, so that seems natural enough to me. If it would be you bringing her up, then think about not doing it and saving yourself the aggravation.

Appeal to her medical expertise. Ask her why, as a medical doctor, she thinks it's immaturity rather than emotional abuse. Question her about the signs that you've seen that seem to fit emotional abuse. Why does she think they don't apply in this case? Get her into her professional pattern of thinking and see if her opinion changes.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

Mental Magpie

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2011, 11:25:05 AM »
Twiggy: My best friend has asked me to ask my mom advice on the situation, and she (my best friend) does not mind that I have told my mom.  My mom also inquires about the situation from time to time.

FlyingBaconMouse: That sounds like something my mother would do!

Sway: I did not think of that; that is absolutely brilliant. I will update when the conversation arises.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

wyozozo

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2011, 11:46:23 AM »
I hope she offers better advice to her patients. Her compassion seems a bit lacking.



Mental Magpie

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2011, 03:40:40 AM »
I hope she offers better advice to her patients. Her compassion seems a bit lacking.

She is a great doctor, honestly, and is actually very compassionate with her patients.  I am her daughter, however, which means that she does not have to be "professional" (for a lack of a better word).  I will give it to my mother, she is very candid and straightforward; but she knows when to and when to not say things to patients.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Virg

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2011, 04:26:48 PM »
I have to cast in with Sway's first paragraph here.  Don't argue, don't engage, don't discuss.  Don't bring up your friend again, advise your friend to look elsewhere for advice, and apply the bean dip liberally if your mother brings it up.  You said yourself that "It is mostly useless to argue with my mother about those sorts of things...".  Therefore, don't do it.

Virg

afbluebelle

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2011, 04:06:31 PM »
BG: My best friend is 22. She cheated on her husband, the stinky brown stuff hit the fan, and the emotional abuse really started to get heavy.  She feels like she deserves it because of what she did.  END BG.

I told my mother of the most recent altercation (in which he went to jail for putting his hands on her (the first time something physical has happened)).

Not trying to judge your friend, but if your mother knows the backstory (i.e. cheating, fanning, then abuse raining down) it might cloud her opinion of your friend just a wee bit. I don't doubt your friend, but their is abuse, then there is "my husband called me names... he said he forgave me, why can't he forget it. I'm so abuuuuuuuuuused". I see a lot of both kinds in my job...

I hope that your friend can find a resolution for her situation that is safe. But yeah, your mom might not be the best source of advice.
My inner (r-word) is having a field day with this one.
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Mental Magpie

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2011, 05:02:54 PM »
BG: My best friend is 22. She cheated on her husband, the stinky brown stuff hit the fan, and the emotional abuse really started to get heavy.  She feels like she deserves it because of what she did.  END BG.

I told my mother of the most recent altercation (in which he went to jail for putting his hands on her (the first time something physical has happened)).

Not trying to judge your friend, but if your mother knows the backstory (i.e. cheating, fanning, then abuse raining down) it might cloud her opinion of your friend just a wee bit. I don't doubt your friend, but their is abuse, then there is "my husband called me names... he said he forgave me, why can't he forget it. I'm so abuuuuuuuuuused". I see a lot of both kinds in my job...

I hope that your friend can find a resolution for her situation that is safe. But yeah, your mom might not be the best source of advice.

My mom doesn't know the entire backstory.  It did come up again (what my mother had said) and my sister (recovering alcoholic chimed in), "Then you need to tell me to grow up, too."  My mother did  >:(.  Further conversation revealed a little bit more about what she meant by it.  I still don't agree with her assessment but I at least understand it now.  She pretty much said that if Dark Friend was more mature, she would have been able to see the abuse for what it was.

Also, the abuse happened before she cheated and only got worse after the fact.  He fit the classic signs of an abuser; it wasn't just, "Oh but he was mad at me today because I didn't go to lunch with him, he's soooo abusive!" (I've definitely heard that, too, and promptly told the person that it was not abuse; if she wanted to hear about abuse she should visit a woman's shelter.  She pretty much just wanted attention.)
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

afbluebelle

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2011, 07:44:57 PM »
Roger that... wasn't sure waht allyour mom knew of the story, or if the abuse was an ongoing thing or whatnot.
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The Ricker

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2011, 11:37:43 AM »
If your mother doesn't know the entire backstory, she may be reacting to the bare facts.  Cut her some slack.  The OP and subsequent updates tell a very convoluted story.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2011, 12:22:48 PM »
You asked your mom for advice about a friend and she gave you her opinion. 

Because you disagree with her assessment doesn't make it an insult to you.
 
Instead of discussing it you argued with her.
 
I don't see that your mother did anything wrong.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2011, 02:09:46 PM »
You asked your mom for advice about a friend and she gave you her opinion. 

Because you disagree with her assessment doesn't make it an insult to you.
 
Instead of discussing it you argued with her.
 
I don't see that your mother did anything wrong.

She didn't give me advice, she gave me her opinion of my friend.  Advice would be about how to deal with it, not an assessment of my friend's character.

The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Should I use this on my mother?
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2011, 04:26:50 PM »
You asked your mom for advice about a friend and she gave you her opinion. 

Because you disagree with her assessment doesn't make it an insult to you.
 
Instead of discussing it you argued with her.
 
I don't see that your mother did anything wrong.

She didn't give me advice, she gave me her opinion of my friend.  Advice would be about how to deal with it, not an assessment of my friend's character.

You said that she said "Tell her to grow up."  That is not a character assessment, its a suggestion.
 
You're reading all sorts of things into it--that your mother doesn't really think its mental abuse, etc, etc, etc.
 
Instead of getting more insight into what she does mean, you contradict her, start arguing and take offense.
 
I agree with your mother's frustration when she has apparently said to you on other occasions: "Well, what do you want me to say?"