BG: My best friend is 22. She cheated on her husband, the stinky brown stuff hit the fan, and the emotional abuse really started to get heavy. She feels like she deserves it because of what she did. END BG.
I told my mother of the most recent altercation (in which he went to jail for putting his hands on her (the first time something physical has happened)). I also told her about something my best friend said to me that just goes to show how emotionally abused she is. My mother then said, "Tell her to grow up." I was down right insulted and wanted to tell my mother something including expletives. I did not, and of course, would never. I did, however, say, "No, mom, it's not about growing up; it's about being emotionally abused." My mother replied, "No, she needs to grow up." I think it was only years of conditioning to not backtalk my mother that kept my mouth shut; or a miracle.
Now, the thing with my mom is that if she disagrees with it, it's wrong. For example, using the current situation: there is no possibility that my best friend was emotionally abused because her actions are only a result of immaturity; there is absolutely no way it could be anything else. It is mostly useless to argue with my mother about those sorts of things, the things in which if she does not agree with it then it must be wrong; but I'm tired of being insulted, even if it is for my friend's benefit.
If I was to tell my mother that she insulted me, one of three things would occur. 1) She would get angry at me, would start to argue her point, and would not let me get a word in edgewise. Furthermore, nothing I could say would change her mind about her viewpoint; and I would spend the rest of the day on her bad side, which would only make me angrier because I had done nothing wrong!. 2) She would shrug and say, "Oh, well," which may be followed by, "What do you want me to say?" Even if I did reply, "How about sorry?" she would go on to say that she was not sorry. 3) She would apologize, but it would be short and seem almost insincere.
I am going off of 23 years of experience with my mom as to why I think the aforementioned things. My question is, when my best friend comes up again, what do I say to my mom? FWIW, my mom is a medical doctor; she knows the signs of mental abuse and knows that it is real. I have no idea why she suddenly thinks that this is a matter of simply growing up instead of a response to mental abuse.
(P.S. I would not classify my mother is a toxic person, but there are certainly some things that may make her seem that way.)