Author Topic: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?  (Read 7582 times)

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BatCity

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Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« on: August 07, 2011, 09:09:15 AM »
BG1: DH and I have been married 17 years.  He tends to have pretty severe mood swings and puts in a big effort to control them with medication.  When things go awry, he will retreat for days into his office.  We happen to be going through one of these times now.  Counseling has helped me to accept and live with him, as most of the time he is a truly wonderful guy.  We have a twelve year old daughter.

BG2: We are going through bankruptcy as a result of a failed business venture.  We make plenty of money, but everything is going to pay off debt.  We will be out of the woods in three years.

Yesterday I found out that DH got a secret credit card about two months ago and used it to make a purchase (to do with his hobby) of a little over $1000.  Ordinarily, I'd confront him, but he's in one of his moods this weekend and I know if I try to approach him I won't be able to connect. 

I'm so furious that I'm ready to throw him out of the house.  I need advice.

*In case you're wondering...it's pretty easy to get a credit card when you're in bankruptcy.  This one happens to be from a company that is well-known for predatory credit practices.

bbgirl

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2011, 09:22:37 AM »
This is a question that only you can answer.  It's frustrating, but no one here is privy to the intimate details of your life.  Good luck with this and perhaps debt counseling at the very least is in order..
 

Perfect Circle

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2011, 09:24:24 AM »
This is a question that only you can answer.  It's frustrating, but no one here is privy to the intimate details of your life.  Good luck with this and perhaps debt counseling at the very least is in order..

ITA.

I am sorry this is happening.

I hope you can find a resolution that will make you happy in the long run. I don't think we are in a position to tell you what to do though.

Big hugs.
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LadyL

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2011, 09:32:38 AM »
For me, it would mean an ultimatum of couples and/or financial counseling for the relationship to continue. LordL and I had huge disagreements about money when his untreated ADHD and compulsive shopping were a huge problem. We did get through it once he identified the reasons behind the spending (impulsivity, and growing up poor) and actually changed his behavior. But there was the year the department of revenue in our state levied all his accounts, and our joint account, essentially freezing all his funds for several weeks during which I had to float the both of us financially. We did get through it but that was a low point.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2011, 10:26:13 AM »
I would wait until he is in a mood where you CAN talk to him calmly, and then sit down with him to discuss this.
Do you have an attorney helping you thru bankruptcy? Is this something that sitting down with the attorney might help get across the seriousness of this issue?
This WOULD be enough that I would have a serious discussion about taking control of the finances, or completely separating the finances. And - if he is unwilling to change, then decide what is best for you. Don't do anything without some legal advice.
I am reminded of a friend who was divorced for years, and STILL had issues with the IRS because of business papers she and the ex signed together when married.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2011, 10:31:11 AM by JoyinVirginia »

GeauxTigers

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2011, 05:48:46 PM »
Quote
We are going through bankruptcy

Quote
DH got a secret credit card


Warning, Will Robinson!!!!

IANAL, but this needs to be brought to the attention of your bankruptcy attorney right now. Your DH entering into another CC agreement with a bankruptcy that hasn't been discharged yet will not sit well with the trustee of the bankruptcy court, and could result in the bankruptcy being dismissed - meaning that you're still on the hook for the debts in question. If that isn't a deal-breaker, I don't know what is. Medication is good, but your DH really needs some serious financial counseling, and quickly.

SamiHami

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2011, 06:06:11 PM »
Honestly, I would be afraid that there might be other "surprises" in addition to that CC. I would certainly make marriage and family/couples counseling a requirement for staying in the marriage. I would also absolutely require that he sell whatever this $1000 item was and put the money toward paying off that card.

That's how I would react; however, as PP's have said, this is your relationship and only you can decide what your tipping point is.

And, FTR, I also have mood/psychological disorders that require medication, and I do have my depressive episodes and funks. That never gave me a free pass to mess up our finances. My DH is very empathetic to my issues and puts up with a lot, but he would never tolerate me messing around with our security.

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hobish

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2011, 06:24:59 PM »

I have no advice to offer, just an ear (eyes?) and some hugs. I remember all the trials you had with the business and with your DH's mood swings then. I really am sorry the place didn't work out. As a PP said, we're in no position to tell you what to do; but i sincerely wish you the best luck and any support we can give.

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Animala

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2011, 06:43:54 PM »
I don't know if that would be a deal breaker for me, but I would bring this up with the help of the counselor.  I would imagine it plays into the other issues you have mentioned.

SiotehCat

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2011, 06:47:08 PM »
For me, it would be a deal breaker.

I wouldn't wait till he was in a better mood to discuss it because we would have nothing to discuss. I could even pack his bags for him.

Secret anything doesn't sit well with me.

BatCity

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2011, 07:18:45 PM »
Thanks, everyone, for your support on this.  I'm impressed that some of you remember the business; it's been a real struggle and our marriage has made huge progress.  This just makes me feel like we've taken a huge step backward.

Oh, and thanks to whoever pointed out that getting a credit card while we're in bankruptcy is a big no-no.  It's a bit complicated, but at this point getting new credit (if we can get it) is actually not an impossibility.  Still, it's something to bring up.  But mostly it's about the secrecy.

This guy has always been very good about meeting my ultimatums, but I'm getting a bit sick of having to set them to begin with.  Off to marriage counseling we go.

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2011, 09:00:48 AM »
I'd be doing the "Here are two cards, a counselor or a divorce lawyer," routine at this point.
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NOVA Lady

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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2011, 09:12:00 AM »
Secret anything is a huge No-No for me.


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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2011, 11:50:37 AM »
I'm not sure it's a breaking point, but it's a point that says "something has to be done".
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Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2011, 11:56:22 AM »
Honestly, I would be afraid that there might be other "surprises" in addition to that CC. I would certainly make marriage and family/couples counseling a requirement for staying in the marriage. I would also absolutely require that he sell whatever this $1000 item was and put the money toward paying off that card.

That's how I would react; however, as PP's have said, this is your relationship and only you can decide what your tipping point is.

And, FTR, I also have mood/psychological disorders that require medication, and I do have my depressive episodes and funks. That never gave me a free pass to mess up our finances. My DH is very empathetic to my issues and puts up with a lot, but he would never tolerate me messing around with our security.

As a person with bipolar who does retail binges, I utterly and totally agree!
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