Author Topic: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?  (Read 7602 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ashaela

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 205
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2011, 12:08:31 PM »
I've neer been through bankruptcy, but DH and I are dealing with financial issues of our own, so here's my take from that point of view.

If this were the first time anything like this had ever happened, I would tell him that we were going to begin seeing a financial counselor and a marriage counselor immediately.

If it were something that had already proven itself to be a pattern, and that we had discussed before, then it would be a dealbreaker.  To me, it shows both a lack of trust in you, a lack of self-control, a knowledge that he shouldn't do it but he's going to anyway, and a complete absence of respect for the work you're doing and the sacrifices you're making alone to get you both out of the hole y'all are in. 
Hooray, it's raining!

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2203
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #16 on: August 10, 2011, 01:15:15 PM »
I don't blame you for getting weary of having to pass out ultimatums.  It sounds like he is using his "moods" as a get out of jail free card for bad behavior.  All the financial problems aside, I would have the huge problem with the secrecy.  Even if there were no financial troubles whatsoever, a secret credit card raises HUGE red flags.  I don't think I'd care about his mood at that point.  We are all dealt certain cards in life and they are not always fair, but everyone still has to live with and handle their own issues and be responsible for their own behavior.  His moods, even if not his fault, do not excuse him from lying to his wife and creating more financial issues behind her back.  Just no. 

Don't protect him from the consequences of his own behavior during his bad moods.

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #17 on: August 10, 2011, 02:20:06 PM »
I guess my take on this is... what about your mood?  What about your needs?

How come his precious, precarious moods and his need for not tackling serious issues takes precedence over your mood (I imagine a combination of livid, scared, overwhelmed, disappointed, and weary) and your need/desire to handle this soon rather then later?

Sounds to me like in the past he's had things his way... which doesn't mean he gets his way again.  Quite the contrary, it means its your turn to call the shots and his turn to deal with someone else's methods.

immadz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4783
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #18 on: August 10, 2011, 06:35:46 PM »
I guess my take on this is... what about your mood?  What about your needs?

How come his precious, precarious moods and his need for not tackling serious issues takes precedence over your mood (I imagine a combination of livid, scared, overwhelmed, disappointed, and weary) and your need/desire to handle this soon rather then later?

Sounds to me like in the past he's had things his way... which doesn't mean he gets his way again.  Quite the contrary, it means its your turn to call the shots and his turn to deal with someone else's methods.

I agree with this so much. I think people tend to forget that balanced, strong individuals also need support and have bad moods and can get depressed.


BatCity

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1369
    • Duct Tape and Chicken Wire
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #19 on: August 10, 2011, 06:51:36 PM »
@Willy Nilly, actually the root of the problem is that his moods no longer have any affect on me at all.  They used to, of course, before I figured out (with the help of a very good counselor) that they have nothing to do with me.  The problem isn't that I'm emotionally upset, it's probably more like what a parent feels when their kids breaks the rules.

@Immadz, one of the low points of our marriage was the one time I got upset enough to cry, and he told me I was having a hissy fit.  And yes, my response to that was not eHell approved.  He told me later that he was just so shocked to see me cry that he didn't know what to do. 

He hasn't had his way in anything since the business closed, just under two years ago.  In fact, I call the shots on everything, to the point that I might seem like a bit of a tyrant from the outside.  Power struggles are nothing new in our marriage, and at the moment I'm in charge.  But yeah, it hasn't always been this way.

My problem was that I couldn't talk to him about the credit card issue when he was in his mood because he wouldn't hear me, KWIM?  Of course, a bigger problem is that I can't bring myself to care about how my husband feels.  That's why marriage counseling is in the works.

I do have a small update.  We are going to go see a marriage counselor next week. 

« Last Edit: August 10, 2011, 06:54:21 PM by BatCity »

sadiemae

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 444
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #20 on: August 16, 2011, 05:44:15 PM »
BatCity,

I just wanted to say ((hugs)). I've been keeping an eye out for your posts for a long time, since at one point we were in similar situations and it looks like yours ended the same way mine did. I now how difficult it is to deal with the financial strain of closing a business. Its hard on you as well as him. Just know someone out there in cyber space is wishing you well.

Sadiemae

The Ricker

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 478
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2011, 08:08:51 AM »
[quote author=BatCity link=topic=99868.msg2455399#msg2455399 date=1313016696
 

He hasn't had his way in anything since the business closed, just under two years ago.  In fact, I call the shots on everything, to the point that I might seem like a bit of a tyrant from the outside.  Power struggles are nothing new in our marriage, and at the moment I'm in charge.  But yeah, it hasn't always been this way.

 
[/quote]

Do you actually want all the control?  Will one of the goals of marriage counseling be to restore a balance to the marriage?

BatCity

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1369
    • Duct Tape and Chicken Wire
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #22 on: August 17, 2011, 12:38:36 PM »
Quote

Do you actually want all the control?  Will one of the goals of marriage counseling be to restore a balance to the marriage?

Oh, heck, no.  But there are three reasons I have it right now.

1. DH can't share control of anything.  If he has any say in something, he absolutely must have his way or he will pout for days.  If I put my foot down and take total control, he will relent, but then I have to be in charge of everything.  (Another example of this is driving.  He can't be a passenger if anyone else is driving, unless he is incapable of driving himself, like if he's been drinking.  Then he's fine with it).

2. DH is a very smart guy, but he has an unhealthy relationship with money.  When we have it, his mood is close to elation, and he goes into spending mode.  If we don't have it, he sinks into despair.

3. The reason I have control of the finances now is that he refuses to look at them at all, even if I ask him "come here and look at this".  He won't do it.  It's like he's afraid that if he touches our finances, they will all crumble to dust.  See #2.

Possibly a combination of marriage counseling and personal therapy will help with this.  We'll see.  Right now I have to find out if I'm rearranging chairs on a sinking ship.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2011, 12:40:07 PM by BatCity »

Nora

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3488
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #23 on: August 17, 2011, 02:19:14 PM »
Nothing but ((((Hugs)))).
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

BatCity

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1369
    • Duct Tape and Chicken Wire
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2011, 09:17:04 AM »
Quick update: first session with the marriage counselor went pretty well.  We are going to continue going and are still very much NOT patched up, but he's committed to making this work.

Thanks to all of you for your support on this.  I don't like to make these things public (only one friend knows we're having problems, I'm not even telling my parents) and it's nice to have a place where I can "speak" freely.

EMuir

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1383
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #25 on: August 18, 2011, 01:11:12 PM »
I am so glad things are going well.  I used to be the "spender" before my anxiety disorder was treated.  Now I am completely open with my spouse and things are great. Good luck!

Nora

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3488
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2011, 05:33:46 PM »
I'm so glad it went well! Naturally things are not fixed yet, but at least it did not go to heck in a handbasket.  :)
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

JustEstelle

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 980
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2011, 12:20:16 PM »
Quote
We are going through bankruptcy

Quote
DH got a secret credit card


Warning, Will Robinson!!!!

IANAL, but this needs to be brought to the attention of your bankruptcy attorney right now. Your DH entering into another CC agreement with a bankruptcy that hasn't been discharged yet will not sit well with the trustee of the bankruptcy court, and could result in the bankruptcy being dismissed - meaning that you're still on the hook for the debts in question. If that isn't a deal-breaker, I don't know what is. Medication is good, but your DH really needs some serious financial counseling, and quickly.

This.  I have been told that incurring any debt while in bankruptcy, even CC debt, requires putting a "motion to incur debt" before the court and awaiting approval.  I wouldn't wait to confront him; I'd be talking to the bankruptcy lawyers ASAP.

BatCity

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1369
    • Duct Tape and Chicken Wire
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #28 on: August 23, 2011, 08:01:24 PM »
Just thought I'd give you all a quick update since you've all been so supportive.

We've been to the counselor twice now and are working through this.  DH had been feeling stifled about not having the ability to spend any money at all without asking me for it, which he found humiliating.  We realized that the way we used to share funds back before he started the business was the best option (each of us gets a certain amount of money that we can spend any way we want, everything above that amount has to be a joint decision).  He's going to pay back the credit card by selling some of his hobby toys and cancel the card. 

Things are still not perfect, but they're coming back together.

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Husband problem: is this one a deal-breaker?
« Reply #29 on: August 24, 2011, 12:03:20 AM »
I think that's a great update!

Doing it slowly, dealing apropriately with the emotional side, communicating, these are the makings of a better future.