another baby shower invite-update pg 4

[Kinseyanne]

I just got around to opening mail from yesterday and found a baby shower invite for a friend of the family.  What makes me uncomfortable is that this baby shower has a "fitness" theme.  Because they already have a huge amount of baby stuff, we're supposed to bring the mother-to-be gifts that will help her get back in shape after she has the baby.  There's going to be a zumba and a yoga instructor there so it'll be an "exercise" party.

This makes me very nervous, because I have heard through the grapevine that MTB is very distressed over the amount of weight she's gaining during her pregnancy and I know for a fact that she struggled with eating disorders in her teens and early 20s.  She's only 26 now.  I'm concerned that her ongoing struggle with her body image might trigger a relapse, especially since she's being "encouraged" by her friends and family with all the weight loss products--meal replacement shakes and weight loss supplements are on the suggested list, along with work out video's, and exercise equipment like free weights, balls and bands.

I am wondering if the hostess knows the MTB's struggle with in this area. So part of me wonders if it would be appropriate to contact her and say "this is making me uncomfortable."  I don't want to tell the hostess about the MTB's health issues if she doesn't already know.  If she does know, maybe she didn't think of it that way and having someone point out that "lose the baby weight" might be a problematic theme for someone with body image issues might get her to change the theme.  Another part of me says just decline the invitation and leave the why's out of it. 

What do you think?

[Spoder]

I think it's a hideous idea, on about a hundred levels.

How well do you know the hostess, and what's her relationship to the MTB?

[Kinseyanne]

Hostess and the MTB have been in a relationship for about 6 months, but have known each other for about 2 years.  We've done couple-y things a few times.  I consider myself on friendly terms with her.  I find her to be a very sweet, considerate person.  Which is why I think either she doesn't know about the problems, or she just didn't think about the possibility of the theme being problematic.   

[Spoder]

Hostess and the MTB have been in a relationship for about 6 months, but have known each other for about 2 years.  We've done couple-y things a few times.  I consider myself on friendly terms with her.  I find her to be a very sweet, considerate person.  Which is why I think either she doesn't know about the problems, or she just didn't think about the possibility of the theme being problematic.   

Ah, so the hostess is the mother-to-be's partner? So...why is she throwing the shower? If they already have 'a huge amount of baby stuff', why are they even *having* a shower?  And...they're having a baby together, but the hostess doesn't even know that her GF is sensitive about weight issues? I'm confused.

The whole thing sounds like an etiquette disaster. I think I'd rsvp in the negative, and stay right out of it.

[apple]

You want to change the theme of a party someone else is giving?

I don't think you can do that.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea, politely decline.

Eating disorders are complex and are best addressed by professionals (doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist). I would not get in the middle of this.

[Kinseyanne]

You want to change the theme of a party someone else is giving?

I don't think you can do that.

More like I want to make her aware of a possible problem in the hopes that she decides to change it, but I think you're right either way.  I can't do that. 

[Kinseyanne]

Ah, so the hostess is the mother-to-be's partner? So...why is she throwing the shower? If they already have 'a huge amount of baby stuff', why are they even *having* a shower?  And...they're having a baby together, but the hostess doesn't even know that her GF is sensitive about weight issues? I'm confused.

The whole thing sounds like an etiquette disaster. I think I'd rsvp in the negative, and stay right out of it.

If I remember the story right (and I may not be) they met when MTB was with baby's father, and became close friends.  MTB was trying to get pregnant, Hostess was considering adoption, and they promised each other they would give the other a baby shower when the time came.  I don't think either of them expected to be together when the time came.

I'm not sure why they are having a baby shower since they have a lot of baby stuff already.  My guess is they wanted the party.

I don't know if Hostess knows or not.  They met a while after MTB started treatment for the eating disorder.

[Zilla]

Honestly?  I think it's pretty crappy for them to invite you after your own loss.  I wouldn't even consider attending.  Kudos to you to be able to overcome that.


As for letting them know about MTB eating disorders, I would think that isn't a good idea since that seems to be a private issue and talking about it without her permission would seem gossipy even though you didn't mean it that way.


I would instead reach out to the MTB's mom and ask her privately what are her thoughts on it and let her talk to the hostess.

[Kinseyanne]

Honestly?  I think it's pretty crappy for them to invite you after your own loss.

I'm not sure they know.

Mentioning it to her mother is a good idea, I'll think about doing that. 

[Knitterly]

having someone point out that "lose the baby weight" might be a problematic theme for someone with body image issues might get her to change the theme. 

"Lose the baby weight" is a problematic theme WITHOUT body issues!!!

I was not really overweight before I got pregnant.  I mean, technically I was (according to the scale), but I was also quite muscular and sturdy.  At 160lbs, I wore a US size 7.  I was healthy and robust and man, did I have great legs.

I am now over 200lbs.  I feel like a cow...or maybe a small hippopotamus.   I am bloated and swollen and my feet are 2 sizes bigger than normal.  I feel gross and huge.  My arms are flabby and my legs have cellulite that did not exist 7 months ago.  I have stretch marks all over my stomach and hips, and I have been promised by friends who have previously had children that my body will never look the same again (but also reassured that it's okay). 

I never really had body image issues before.   Showing up at a weight-loss themed party in my honour would send me home in tears. 

And I'm just your average pregnant woman.

Most pregnant women feel pretty gross by the time they are near the end of their pregnancy.  You hardly recognize yourself.  For most women, they don't feel particularly "magical", although we are reassured that this is a magical and wonderful experience.  We rely on the reassurances of our friends and partners to be reminded that we're still beautiful.

Aside from the obviously huge etiquette breach of her partner throwing the baby shower, having her partner throw a weight-loss themed party is a terrifically bad idea.  I cannot imagine it ending well.

[hannahmollysmom]

A baby shower is supposed to give the basic supplies for a new baby in the house. If they have enough stuff already, I would decline and just bring a gift after the baby is born.

The shower is not for the mother and her issues. Not to mention it may trigger a relapse. That is a personal issue she needs to deal with on her own.

I'm in my 50's, and yes, somewhat over weight, and I would not be participating in a shower that expects me to exercise. That is a personal thing, and if I want to do it, it is when I want to do it. (Not to mention, I would feel totally rediculous! )

[Piratelvr1121]

A baby shower is supposed to give the basic supplies for a new baby in the house. If they have enough stuff already, I would decline and just bring a gift after the baby is born.

The shower is not for the mother and her issues. Not to mention it may trigger a relapse. That is a personal issue she needs to deal with on her own.

I'm in my 50's, and yes, somewhat over weight, and I would not be participating in a shower that expects me to exercise. That is a personal thing, and if I want to do it, it is when I want to do it. (Not to mention, I would feel totally rediculous! )

I agree, it just doesn't sound like a good idea in the least, given the MTB's issues with eating disorders.  I can understand wanting to lose the baby weight, but it sounds like she needs someone to make sure she does it in a healthy way, not a damaging way.

[Wavicle]

I don't care if they made a promise to each other, it is tacky to host a shower for your own partner. If she is in a position to be a parental figure to the baby, its almost like throwing her own shower. Thinking of that now, that may be why she wants to put the focus on the mom rather than the baby. I think fitness just feels to personal to me. A spa type party still focused on motherhood would be less bothersome to me.

I would assume that if they are dating, she would know about the body issues or it would mean the MTB specifically does not want her to know so I would leave it be. I would probably decline though, just because it would be waaay to weird and I would not be willing to buy someone else personal fitness stuff.

[Shores]

Honestly?  I think it's pretty crappy for them to invite you after your own loss.

I'm not sure they know.

Mentioning it to her mother is a good idea, I'll think about doing that.

Ok, I have to be frank. If this couple is not even close enough to you know that you were SEVEN months pregnant and lost your baby, they are not close enough to you for you be trying to change their shower theme or contact her MOTHER with health concerns.

[Animala]

This is the most hideous idea for a "mommy shower" I've ever heard of.  I would contact the hostess and ask her if the MTB asked for the theme.