CEREMONIES AND CIVILITY

 Years ago I stumbled upon a professional wedding photography marketing forum online hosted then by a prominent wedding photography marketing guru whose name escapes me at the moment.  I began to comment online about what I considered to be deceptive marketing in the wedding photography industry and was rewarded with a lawsuit threat by this marketing expert if I did not cease to quote her.   Wow, I must have touched on a tender nerve!  Anyway, I ignored the vaccuous threat and many of these Buyer Beware notices are the result.   The following is just one of many deceptively clever contract clauses that can be found in wedding photography contracts which is designed to put the control of what photos the client receives with the photographer and not the client.

 ”While every reasonable effort will be made to produce and deliver outstanding photographs of the wedding events, PhotoFred’s entire liability to Client for any claim or loss, or injury arising from PhotoFred’s performance is limited to a refund to Client for the amount paid services. Because this is an uncontrolled event, PhotoFred cannot guarantee delivery of any specifically requested image(s). However, we will make every effort to capture requests prompted by an individual at any moment of the wedding event.   “

The entire purpose of this clause, according to the marketing expert,  is to prevent check lists of images or the bride giving the photographer a list of images to be taken at the event.  It specifically releases the photographer from any obligation to have captured on film the important elements of the wedding day.  This is an unacceptable contract clause because it places the decision as to what are important photographs with the photographer and not with the consumer. 

And note that last sentence,  However we will make every effort to capture requests prompted by an individual at any moment of the wedding event.  In other words, to get the photos you want, someone must be ad hoc prompting the photographer during the entire event.   This photographer would not want me as the coordinator because I’d hang on him like a bad conscience constantly whispering to him to go there or take that photo.  Or I’d hire a minion to do it for me.  Either way, that would be one photographer prominently placed on my “never hire this cretin again over my dead body” list.

1.  Keep your number of attendants small.  Not only is it less aggravating to deal with fewer attendants, you’ll save money on attendant gifts, rehearsal dinner meal, flowers, transportation and hotel accomodations.

2.  Forego that limosine and use personal cars. 

3.   Schedule your wedding during the non-peak wedding dates.  The prime time for renting facilities and securing vendors is Saturday and therefore the prices are higher as a result of supply and demand.    Instead, marry on a Friday evening or Sunday when fewer people are likely to and you should be able to negotiate much lower prices for facility usage, catering and photography. 

4. When the guest list must be minimized to save money,  refrain from inviting children, co-workers and an automatic “and guest” for every single adult guest.   Invite the significant others by name but do not put “And Guest” on the invitation. 

5.  Popular wedding magazines will suggest asking talented friends or relatives to help with your wedding but the Etiquette Hell position is that it is improper and presumptive to ask people to give you a free gift of labor and talent.   You can ask for help with the caveat that you are offering to pay for their services and then follow through and pay up.   By all means accept offers of help but with an eye towards not presuming too much on these volunteers.   And be sure to express your gratitude, both verbally and with note, as sincerely and frequently as you can.

6.  Think outside the reception box and consider having your reception at a county or state park pavilion.  Check out local and state owned parks and facilities for their reception potential.  One county park near us has a lovely meeting room lined with glass doors overlooking a lake with a large deck system over the water.   It’s a great value.

7.  A deejay is always cheaper than a live band. 

Yep, I going to commit the #1 no-no webmasters and blog writers are encouraged to not do and send my readers to another site.   But the content in it is so good that it would be a shame to not share it. 

The post at www.thekitchn.com is entitled “DIY Inspiration: How To Make Your Own Wedding Cake (Without Losing Your Mind).  The comments section alone has great suggestions. 

The Gâteau au chocolat fondant de Nathalie cake made by Orangette for her wedding is not only outrageously delicious but an outstanding example of thinking outside the traditional wedding cake “box” to serve something truly unique, delicious and cost effective.  Follow the links in the article to Orangette’s cake posts on her blog.

1.  Glass hurricanes can be found for half price ($7) at Michael’s Craft Stores.  Add a single pillar candle with perhaps decorative touches like color coordinating beads, stones or a ribbon and you have an inexpensive centerpeice.

 2.  Choose in season flowers.   Exotic and out of season flowers can be both difficult to find and very expensive.   Sometimes eliminating one type of expensive flower like calla lilies from an arrangement can significantly reduce the price of a centerpiece or bouquet.

3.  My favorite flower when the budget is tight but there is a need for drama is the gladiola.  They come in numerous colors and can be bought at very good prices by bulk.  Grouped in a tall, clear vase, the effect is elegant, brings height to the table but without breaking the budget.  Plus they have the advantage that they are a hardy flower with stamina that looks great for days.

4.  Think outside the flower.  Centerpieces can consist of non-floral arrangements of fruit, favors grouped together, even food like individual cakes for each guest at the table.  Berries, pinecones, pumpkins, small potted evergreen plants are all viable alternatives. 

5.  Floral arrangements should do double duty as ceremony florals and reception decor.  I did this with my own wedding where I and my bridesmaids carried long-stemmed red roses mixed with greens and baby’s breath and tied with ribbons during the ceremony but at the reception, they were placed in waiting vases for table decor. 

Bride’s Head Revisited - Loads of hair jewelry.

Leah C. Couture Millinery - My favorite.  I love the fascinators.

Ellen Christine Millinery - Vintage style bridal hats.

Suzanne Couture Millinery

Homa Bridal

 I was a junior bridesmaid in a double wedding when I was 12 years old.  In the intervening 34 years, I had not heard of anyone having a double wedding.  That is, until two sisters became engaged within a month of each other.   It seemed natural to suggest a double wedding and the father of the bride thought it was a spendid idea.  Convincing everyone else would be more challenging.   The younger sister and her mother were against it and the other couple had doubts as to how a double wedding could be executed in such a way as to meet everyone’s expectations and dreams.   It would be my job to help them catch the vision of a double wedding and after laying out the plans and answering questions for nearly 2 hours, they were all on board and visibly excited.  What follows in this post are the details of how we tackled various etiquette and planning issues to end up with a very memorable wedding.

Because double weddings are so rare, there isn’t much published on the etiquette.  What is published dates back to the Victorian Era when double weddings between sisters were more common but the problem with much of that information was that it focused on the elder bride having first choices in nearly every area.  That simply would not do in this day and age!  Every issue that came up we approached from the perspective of trying to equalize as much as possible between the two couples.  It was lovely to see the two sisters defer to each other on the few occasions when “equality” would not work well and the end result was a really lovely ceremony.

The Guest List

One of the first hurdles was the guest list.  Because a double wedding is less expensive than two seperate weddings, they were able to actually expand the guest list to include everyone both couples wanted due to the overlap of relatives and mutual friends.  The total guest list was about 400 people.  

  The Invitations

Both brides are very different in personality and while one had her heart set on very traditional wedding invitation, the younger sister wanted a more personalized invitation that she had designed.  In fact, this meant so much to her that not having them would have been a deal breaker for the double wedding.  No problem!   The younger sister mailed her invitations to hers and her fiance’s  friends and the older bride mailed hers to her fiance’s friends.  While it would have been good etiquette to create a third invitation to send to mutual friends and family, we decided to send these mutual relationships 2 invitations, one from each couple, but only one invitation had the rsvp return card in it.  This created no confusion because close friends and family already knew there was a double wedding in the plans. 

 Attendants

For balance, they both agreed to an equal numer of attendants, four bridesmaids, four groomsmen, a best man each.  One bride had a flower girl and ring bearer whereas the older bride had just a flower girl.   Both brides shared a single Matron of Honor, their older sister.   Not wanting to leave their younger brother out of the action, he was designated the Best Brother and stood near the MOH during the ceremony.     The bridesmaids of each bridal couple wore different dresses in complimentary colors.  The groomsmen wore the same tux but with different colored cummerbunds.   

Rehearsal Dinner(s)

Because the rehearsal dinner is traditionally hosted by the groom’s parents and there were two different grooms, it was deemed appropriate that two groom’s families  each hosted a different rehearsal dinner on seperate nights since this is what they wanted.  The younger couple’s rehearsal dinner was Thursday evening and the older couple’s on Friday after the actual rehearsal.   Essentially the bridal parties went to dinner two nights in a row thus continuing the fun for several days. 

The Ceremony

Both brides wanted their father to escort them down the aisle separately, each had a different song she wanted to process to and both couples had a pastor they wished to marry them.   The church had no center aisle but rather two side aisles with a connecting aisle mid-way. 

The photo below is the whiteboard drawing we came up with during a joint meeting with both officiating pastors, the brides and grooms, and myself to visualize where people would be standing and how they would move into what positions.  Every aspect of this ceremony was choreographed.

The ceremony started with both officiating pastors, the two best men and the father of the bride traditionally entering the altar area at the start of the ceremony.   At one side aisle door was me and the other my assistant with a double line of groomsmen and bridesmaids and flower girls/ring bearer ready to process.   I had the right side door with the younger bride’s attendants and my assistant had the left side door with the older bride’s attendants.  At the proper music cue, we sent one pair of bridesmaid and groomsman down the side aisle, then alternating between the two bridal parties.  Just as the pair before them reached the connecting midway aisle, we started another couple down.  The flower girls and ringbearer of both bridal parties processed together down both aisles.  The MOH and the Best Brother also processed simultaneously down the two side aisles. 

It was agreed upon ahead of time that the older sister would process first but the younger bride wanted to be able to watch it all unfold.  So, when it came time for the dramatic opening of the double doors to reveal the bride,  both brides came out at the same time and then stood about 12 feet into the church.  It was very dramatic!  The father of the bride then processed from the altar to the back of the church, took his eldest daughter on his arm and processed her down the aisle to her choice of processional music.  He then left her at the altar and then processed back up the aisle while the musicians sequed into the second bride’s processional music.  He took his youngest duaghter  on his arm and grandly processed her down the aisle.  The photo below shows the actual moment when the second bride and the FOB has finished processing, the FOB has taken the arms of both girls and the “Who gives these women to be married?” is being asked by one of the officiating pastors.   You can see the MOH and Best Brother standing slightly to the left and right rear of the couples. 

For the actual marriage vows, both couples, the two best men, the MOH and the Best Brother stepped on stage.  While one group watched, the other bridal couple said their vows with their pastor as seen below.  The line-up below is MOH, best man, couple, their pastor, the second pastor is hidden behind the other couple, a best man and best brother.   It was agreed upon ahead of time that only one pastor would give the homily/exhortation/sermon. 

After the pronouncements of marriage, I cannot remember if the newlyweds recessed together but down separate aisles or recessed separately, one after the other.   They both rode together to the reception in an antique Rolls Royce!

Reception

The give and take deference to each other was displayed in such ways as the older bride yielding the first dance with the FOBs to her younger sister since she had processed first.  Dad danced with younger daughter first to her song and then smoothly sequed to dancing with oldest daughter to her song. 

There were two different wedding cakes, each on a separate table at opposite ends of a stage. 

Before you sign a contract and pay the security deposit, do some investigative detective work into the reputation of the vendor, particularly DJs, photographers and videographers.  Slick advertising, even good talent, can hide an unpleasant reality that your prospective vendor has an unsavory reputation for extremely unprofessional behavior online, or worse, has a well deserved reputation for clients desperately trying to get what they paid for.

The first place to research is the Better Business Bureau online at www.bbb.org.  In addition to searching for the business name, also try searching for the vendor’s name.

Next try Googling the vendor’s name and narrowing your search to their occupation, i.e.  John Doe photographer.  Further narrow the search, if necessary, by location and be sure to search google groups, blogs and even news articles.

Third, search the archives of major wedding related sites for any mention of your prospective vendor.   Searching in professional vendor association sites, assuming you can gain access, is another avenue to try.

If you’ve found information on your prospective vendor that would indicate an unprofessional, even fraudulent approach to customer service, don’t make the mistake many people do in believing they will somehow be immune from being treated the same way.   That kind of dissociation from reality can cost thousands of dollars and leave you with no images of your wedding day.   Run very fast away from vendors with any unresolved complaint on their BBB file or who have clients who actually took the time to track them down online to complain of poor service. 

ONLINE STORES

MyGatsby.com - Mix and match invitations from at least five invitations companies, over 80 paper choices and 27 ink colors, and they have online preview.   Anna Griffin, Envelopments….

The American Wedding - 500+ invitation  choices, online preview.

Paper Style - Anna Griffin, Vera Wang, and other designer styles. 

FineStationery.com - They carry Crane, Anna Griffin, Vera Wang as well as 95 other brands. 

INVITATIONS/STATIONERY DESIGNERS AND COMPANIES

Anna Griffin - Lovely imprintable invitations for the DIYer.  I’ve found Anna Griffin invitations at my local Michael’s Craft Stores even though the online search function never mentions these stores as dealers. 

Crane and Company - Hand engraved, 100% cotton invitations. 

Envelopments - A brand of mix and match invitations. 

Encore Studios - Custom invitations.

In googling to find a local soloist for a wedding, I stumbled across a useful site for those seeking to find entertainment for their wedding ceremony or reception.  It’s www.gigmasters.com.

 I found it to be a very efficient site with audio samples, easy search functions, customer reviews, and booking calendars.   Not all entertainers will be on there and Google is still useful for finding good local talent but it is a good place to start looking.

“Shipment of PhotoFred’s hand assembled, ART LEATHER albums is ordinarily made within 7-10 weeks after receipt of the order. Custom library bound LEATHER CRAFTSMEN albums are ordinarily made 10-12 weeks after receipt of the order.”

It seems like an innocuous contract clause whereby the vendor is stating the perimeters of delivery so that the client has realistic expectations, doesn’t it?   But I first encountered this contract clause reading an online forum on wedding photography marketing.  According to a well respected photography marketing guru, this contract clause is used to specifically address the belief that anything worth top dollar is quality work and quality work takes time to achieve.  It simply does not take the Art Leather manufacturer this long to ship out any of their albums and most photographers report that Art Leather ships within 4 weeks regardless of whether the bridal consumer paid $500 or $4500 for their completed albums.  Essentially, the consumer is being made to wait much longer than is necessary for their albums because the photographer wants to preserve the idea that quality takes time to achieve thus justifying their higher prices.  The long delivery time frame benefits the photographer, not the consumer.