CEREMONIES AND CIVILITY

Bride’s Head Revisited - Loads of hair jewelry.

Leah C. Couture Millinery - My favorite.  I love the fascinators.

Ellen Christine Millinery - Vintage style bridal hats.

Suzanne Couture Millinery

Homa Bridal

 I was a junior bridesmaid in a double wedding when I was 12 years old.  In the intervening 34 years, I had not heard of anyone having a double wedding.  That is, until two sisters became engaged within a month of each other.   It seemed natural to suggest a double wedding and the father of the bride thought it was a spendid idea.  Convincing everyone else would be more challenging.   The younger sister and her mother were against it and the other couple had doubts as to how a double wedding could be executed in such a way as to meet everyone’s expectations and dreams.   It would be my job to help them catch the vision of a double wedding and after laying out the plans and answering questions for nearly 2 hours, they were all on board and visibly excited.  What follows in this post are the details of how we tackled various etiquette and planning issues to end up with a very memorable wedding.

Because double weddings are so rare, there isn’t much published on the etiquette.  What is published dates back to the Victorian Era when double weddings between sisters were more common but the problem with much of that information was that it focused on the elder bride having first choices in nearly every area.  That simply would not do in this day and age!  Every issue that came up we approached from the perspective of trying to equalize as much as possible between the two couples.  It was lovely to see the two sisters defer to each other on the few occasions when “equality” would not work well and the end result was a really lovely ceremony.

The Guest List

One of the first hurdles was the guest list.  Because a double wedding is less expensive than two seperate weddings, they were able to actually expand the guest list to include everyone both couples wanted due to the overlap of relatives and mutual friends.  The total guest list was about 400 people.  

  The Invitations

Both brides are very different in personality and while one had her heart set on very traditional wedding invitation, the younger sister wanted a more personalized invitation that she had designed.  In fact, this meant so much to her that not having them would have been a deal breaker for the double wedding.  No problem!   The younger sister mailed her invitations to hers and her fiance’s  friends and the older bride mailed hers to her fiance’s friends.  While it would have been good etiquette to create a third invitation to send to mutual friends and family, we decided to send these mutual relationships 2 invitations, one from each couple, but only one invitation had the rsvp return card in it.  This created no confusion because close friends and family already knew there was a double wedding in the plans. 

 Attendants

For balance, they both agreed to an equal numer of attendants, four bridesmaids, four groomsmen, a best man each.  One bride had a flower girl and ring bearer whereas the older bride had just a flower girl.   Both brides shared a single Matron of Honor, their older sister.   Not wanting to leave their younger brother out of the action, he was designated the Best Brother and stood near the MOH during the ceremony.     The bridesmaids of each bridal couple wore different dresses in complimentary colors.  The groomsmen wore the same tux but with different colored cummerbunds.   

Rehearsal Dinner(s)

Because the rehearsal dinner is traditionally hosted by the groom’s parents and there were two different grooms, it was deemed appropriate that two groom’s families  each hosted a different rehearsal dinner on seperate nights since this is what they wanted.  The younger couple’s rehearsal dinner was Thursday evening and the older couple’s on Friday after the actual rehearsal.   Essentially the bridal parties went to dinner two nights in a row thus continuing the fun for several days. 

The Ceremony

Both brides wanted their father to escort them down the aisle separately, each had a different song she wanted to process to and both couples had a pastor they wished to marry them.   The church had no center aisle but rather two side aisles with a connecting aisle mid-way. 

The photo below is the whiteboard drawing we came up with during a joint meeting with both officiating pastors, the brides and grooms, and myself to visualize where people would be standing and how they would move into what positions.  Every aspect of this ceremony was choreographed.

The ceremony started with both officiating pastors, the two best men and the father of the bride traditionally entering the altar area at the start of the ceremony.   At one side aisle door was me and the other my assistant with a double line of groomsmen and bridesmaids and flower girls/ring bearer ready to process.   I had the right side door with the younger bride’s attendants and my assistant had the left side door with the older bride’s attendants.  At the proper music cue, we sent one pair of bridesmaid and groomsman down the side aisle, then alternating between the two bridal parties.  Just as the pair before them reached the connecting midway aisle, we started another couple down.  The flower girls and ringbearer of both bridal parties processed together down both aisles.  The MOH and the Best Brother also processed simultaneously down the two side aisles. 

It was agreed upon ahead of time that the older sister would process first but the younger bride wanted to be able to watch it all unfold.  So, when it came time for the dramatic opening of the double doors to reveal the bride,  both brides came out at the same time and then stood about 12 feet into the church.  It was very dramatic!  The father of the bride then processed from the altar to the back of the church, took his eldest daughter on his arm and processed her down the aisle to her choice of processional music.  He then left her at the altar and then processed back up the aisle while the musicians sequed into the second bride’s processional music.  He took his youngest duaghter  on his arm and grandly processed her down the aisle.  The photo below shows the actual moment when the second bride and the FOB has finished processing, the FOB has taken the arms of both girls and the “Who gives these women to be married?” is being asked by one of the officiating pastors.   You can see the MOH and Best Brother standing slightly to the left and right rear of the couples. 

For the actual marriage vows, both couples, the two best men, the MOH and the Best Brother stepped on stage.  While one group watched, the other bridal couple said their vows with their pastor as seen below.  The line-up below is MOH, best man, couple, their pastor, the second pastor is hidden behind the other couple, a best man and best brother.   It was agreed upon ahead of time that only one pastor would give the homily/exhortation/sermon. 

After the pronouncements of marriage, I cannot remember if the newlyweds recessed together but down separate aisles or recessed separately, one after the other.   They both rode together to the reception in an antique Rolls Royce!

Reception

The give and take deference to each other was displayed in such ways as the older bride yielding the first dance with the FOBs to her younger sister since she had processed first.  Dad danced with younger daughter first to her song and then smoothly sequed to dancing with oldest daughter to her song. 

There were two different wedding cakes, each on a separate table at opposite ends of a stage. 

Before you sign a contract and pay the security deposit, do some investigative detective work into the reputation of the vendor, particularly DJs, photographers and videographers.  Slick advertising, even good talent, can hide an unpleasant reality that your prospective vendor has an unsavory reputation for extremely unprofessional behavior online, or worse, has a well deserved reputation for clients desperately trying to get what they paid for.

The first place to research is the Better Business Bureau online at www.bbb.org.  In addition to searching for the business name, also try searching for the vendor’s name.

Next try Googling the vendor’s name and narrowing your search to their occupation, i.e.  John Doe photographer.  Further narrow the search, if necessary, by location and be sure to search google groups, blogs and even news articles.

Third, search the archives of major wedding related sites for any mention of your prospective vendor.   Searching in professional vendor association sites, assuming you can gain access, is another avenue to try.

If you’ve found information on your prospective vendor that would indicate an unprofessional, even fraudulent approach to customer service, don’t make the mistake many people do in believing they will somehow be immune from being treated the same way.   That kind of dissociation from reality can cost thousands of dollars and leave you with no images of your wedding day.   Run very fast away from vendors with any unresolved complaint on their BBB file or who have clients who actually took the time to track them down online to complain of poor service. 

ONLINE STORES

MyGatsby.com - Mix and match invitations from at least five invitations companies, over 80 paper choices and 27 ink colors, and they have online preview.   Anna Griffin, Envelopments….

The American Wedding - 500+ invitation  choices, online preview.

Paper Style - Anna Griffin, Vera Wang, and other designer styles. 

FineStationery.com - They carry Crane, Anna Griffin, Vera Wang as well as 95 other brands. 

INVITATIONS/STATIONERY DESIGNERS AND COMPANIES

Anna Griffin - Lovely imprintable invitations for the DIYer.  I’ve found Anna Griffin invitations at my local Michael’s Craft Stores even though the online search function never mentions these stores as dealers. 

Crane and Company - Hand engraved, 100% cotton invitations. 

Envelopments - A brand of mix and match invitations. 

Encore Studios - Custom invitations.

In googling to find a local soloist for a wedding, I stumbled across a useful site for those seeking to find entertainment for their wedding ceremony or reception.  It’s www.gigmasters.com.

 I found it to be a very efficient site with audio samples, easy search functions, customer reviews, and booking calendars.   Not all entertainers will be on there and Google is still useful for finding good local talent but it is a good place to start looking.

“Shipment of PhotoFred’s hand assembled, ART LEATHER albums is ordinarily made within 7-10 weeks after receipt of the order. Custom library bound LEATHER CRAFTSMEN albums are ordinarily made 10-12 weeks after receipt of the order.”

It seems like an innocuous contract clause whereby the vendor is stating the perimeters of delivery so that the client has realistic expectations, doesn’t it?   But I first encountered this contract clause reading an online forum on wedding photography marketing.  According to a well respected photography marketing guru, this contract clause is used to specifically address the belief that anything worth top dollar is quality work and quality work takes time to achieve.  It simply does not take the Art Leather manufacturer this long to ship out any of their albums and most photographers report that Art Leather ships within 4 weeks regardless of whether the bridal consumer paid $500 or $4500 for their completed albums.  Essentially, the consumer is being made to wait much longer than is necessary for their albums because the photographer wants to preserve the idea that quality takes time to achieve thus justifying their higher prices.  The long delivery time frame benefits the photographer, not the consumer. 

You’ve found the photographer of your dreams and he’s the best in the business. His higher prices reflect that and you are willing to pay that extra premium to make sure that you have that particular photographer for your wedding day.

But on the morning of your wedding, you get a phone call that Mr. Photographer has taken ill and an allegedly equally talented substitute will take his place to shoot your wedding. That substitute will either be another photographer from the studio stable or a stringer who does weekend wedding work on occasion. While the pictures do come out OK, you have just paid a premium price for a second rate photographer. Think of it this way, if just about any photographer (including a weekend warrior) can substitute for your high priced photographer, then you have paid more for the name recognition and marketing of that photographer than for actual talent. If substitute photographers are equal in talent to your high priced photographer of distinguished name, then why are they available at the last minute to shoot a wedding?

Substitutions are sometimes necessary. Accidents happen, people get sick. However, you should negotiate a contract clause which gives you certain remedies if the photographer of your choice cannot fulfill his obligations and must send a last minute substitute in his place.  Know who the potential substitutes are before the wedding day.  You paid for a Prime Rib photographer, not a Hamburger Helper one and the fees you pay should reflect that.

Be aware that some wedding vendors such as photographers, videographers, caterers, etc.  will display their price lists with the most expensive packages first because market research indicates that the typical consumer will gravitate towards the middle tiers of pricing regardless of what the actual prices are.  Once you get over the sticker shock of the highest price, the second tier of pricing doesn’t look so bad in contrast.  However, this is a pricing ploy to get the consumer to readily accept higher priced mid range packages as “average”.  

Videographer Tom Winninger spoke at the 1995 and 1996 WEVA conventions and advocated making 4 levels of pricing, then hiding the one next to the bottom so you have a top, a near-top, and a bottom tier.  The purpose then is to make the bottom package so inadequate and unappealing that consumers were manuvuered into buying a higher priced package in the upper mid range or tier. The hidden price package is only revealed when it became apparent that the potential client would leave the sales appointment without signing a contract.

While imaging vendors despise price negotiating, the only way you will discover if your vendor is using this marketing tactic is to ask the vendor if the packages he has offered are his best deal or the only packages he has available. If he does reveal that fourth hidden price package that is more in line with your budget, you must then consider if you want to hire a vendor who was willing to deceive you into buying a higher priced package.

 Date: May 10, 2007
Invited:  over 400
Attended: 325-350
Time:   Wedding 3 pm, reception immediately following at same location

FRUIT CASCADE
*  Strawberries – 2 cases,   $37.00,  none left
*  White and red grapes -  36 pounds  (2 cases),  $63.00,   about 2-3 pounds leftover
*  Nectarines - 2.6 pounds (10)   
*  Plums  -2.3 pounds (10)   $7.00   none left
*  Navel oranges - 2 bags  $10.00   one bag left over
*  Bing cherries  - 5.8 pounds    24.00 (on sale! Would have been $40)  none left
*  Curly Kale   $9.00
*  Fruit Dip  - 2 batches (total 16 oz. cream cheese and 32 oz Marshmallow Fluff)   $4.60  little left
*  Cubed cheese  - 30 pounds  $126.00    about half left over

*2 melons for carving  $16.00

 TEXAS CAVIAR
*  Carr Water Cracker - 12 boxes   $30   none left
*  2 Large boxes of Toasteds crackers from BJs    $13.00  1 box left over
*  Texas Caviar  -  times the recipe by 16, each of 2 containers held 8 batches and had 2/3 of container left over   $58.00

COOKIES -   40 dozen  Unknown cost ,     About 2 dozen left over. 

PECANS - Praline pecans, at least 10 pounds

BEVERAGES
*  Powdered Lemonade mix -  2 large cans  $11.00 none left
*  Frozen Lemonade concentrate - 16 cans  (made only 7-8 gallons)
*  Iced tea mix -   4 large cans from BJs  2.5 left over
*  Ice -  200 lbs    $31.83   Only maybe 16-20 pounds leftover

 LABOR NEEDED:

Prior to wedding date:
* Cookie baking – at least 6 people making a total of 50 dozen cookies (2/person based on 300 guests)
* Praline nuts – 2 people
* Pick up fruit from Farmer’s Market day before -  1 person 
* Texas Caviar making - 2 people

Day of Wedding:
* Ice purchase and delivery - 2 men
* Grape and orange prep - 2 people 
* Display/set up day of wedding – 7 
* Servers during reception (replentishing any platters) - 4-6
* Beverage and ice service - On a hot afternoon, a team of 4 people will stay busy the entire reception keeping punch bowls filled with beverages and ice 
* Passed cake service (served on trays to guests by roaming servers) - 6 people plus 4 to help slice all the cake
* Trash can clean-up during reception - 2
* Clean up - At site - at least 6,  offsite clean up of serving equipment - 2

PAPER PRODUCTS
*  6″ plates - 800 (400 for cake, 400 for buffet)
* Napkins…1.5 person (beverage size OK )….. 450 minimum   
* Forks….from BJ’s, 500
* Clear plastic cups from BJs  - 6 oz, 800 cups minimum
*  Miscellaneous items like zip lock baggies, trash bags, food service gloves

EQUIPMENT LIST:

2 5-gallon buckets for beverage mixing
2 stirring spoons
measuring cup
2 punch fountains
2 5-gallon glass beverage urns
spoons for dip
2 ladles for Texas Caviar and nuts
cutting board
knives
tongs
4 white trays
2 punch bowls for Texas Caviar and nuts
Cake stand (for watermelon)
3 small bowls for fruit dip
2 wooden tier system (see later post on how to build these)

If, at your wedding, you hear your videographer say the following, “Lets do that again so I can get another angle..” or….”Okay, this is Hollywood now, take two!” and does it with big smile as if the request were an intentional filming direction, beware. Your videographer may have missed filming that portion of your wedding or reception by either “double clutching” (hitting the record button twice), battery failure, equipment failure or having his attention diverted elsewhere. Admittance of a mistake could look bad for the videographer hence the deception in getting you to willingly recreate shots he missed. If the portions missed mean a great deal to you, reshoot them as directed but negotiate some goodies to compensate for your time being used to cover the videographer’s mistakes. A few extra copies of the video or an added “honeymoon” section to your tape should be sufficient.