I wonder if you and your readers could bring some fresh outside advice to this awkward and somewhat charged situation.My husband & I have been married 4 years (together 9), our parents were introduced to each other in Year 1. They’ve never been overly close but have been polite (My in-laws are definitely the more friendly of the sets). My parents have their own issues; recent divorce, lifestyle choices (dating & over indulging) and poor parenting decisions of my younger siblings.
My in-laws have their own issues too; easily stressed & controlling to each other & us. There’s never been any incidents between the two sets of parents but they are clearly ‘different people’ with different views on family & relationships.
Since my son has been born the negative feelings my parents have towards my in-laws have come to boiling point. My stepmom now refuses to attend any but the most formal (Birthdays, Christenings) get-togethers and makes constant snide remarks about how unpopular they are with the rest of the family. My father also avoids our house if they are visiting and will often decline joining us if they’re also coming (though won’t be blunt and say it’s because they’re here). I have caught them gossiping about us (and our preference for my in laws) behind our backs and some very hurtful comments about me in particular. I’m starting to get very tired of this and aggravated that my parents are acting like children.
My parents often say they “never see their grandson” but are awkward when trying to arrange dates and rarely initiate planning (except at the last minute). Which means often I am already booked or my in-laws have invited us to an event/come to visit us. My in-laws are also very eager & hands on with my son and always offer to help out, whether it’s coming to babysit so I can catch up with cleaning or when we stay over they’ll take over a night feed/let us have a lie in. My parents like seeing their grandson but are quick to hand him back when he requires ‘work’, I don’t mind this but again it’s the source of nasty comments about my in-laws being ‘overbearing’. I’ve tried talking to them but they’re both stubborn & ignore anything I say.
I feel so awkward, I’ve now taken to actively trying to conceal when we meet up with my in-laws to avoid the remarks & gossiping my parents do behind our backs. Am I right in just carrying on in inviting all parents to events, then arranging separate catch ups when we’re available? I feel like going out of my way again & again to facilitate my parents (over what I do for my in-laws) is just enabling this behaviour. What can I say when the snide remarks start? And when my parents are pointedly turning down meet ups? Just to be clear, I love both sets of parents and they are a part of our son’s life. I just need help dealing with the drama my parents keep creating. 0203-19
Category: It’s All Relatives
Re-Couping The Cost of The Coop
This happened a couple of years ago, but it still amazes me. My soon to be ex-sister in law “Sandy” was getting divorced from my husband’s brother after many years of marriage. This was all amicable on their part and we were still friendly with her. Sandy was a bit entitled though, and over the years had asked me for free art and design services. I always tried to help her when I could because she was family, but she could be quite demanding and acted like she had actually “hired” me (plus the art/design thing is a side gig-not my full-time job). I learned very quickly to never order fabric or wallpaper for her though, because she tended to be slow in repaying me.So fast forward to my husband building a nice chicken coop (on wheels) that we could move around our yard. It matches our house-right down to the siding and roof (he used leftover lumber/materials from when we built our house). She saw it on social media and messages me after months of no contact wanting one for her son. I replied with OK-I will have to ask my husband and get back with her. I ask him, and he begrudgingly says yes …. but tells me that he really doesn’t think she wants it for our nephew, and she will have to buy all the lumber/supplies before he makes it (approximately $300.00-$400.00), but he will not charge her labor. That seems fair to me, so I call her and tell her this. I get dead silence on the phone…. followed with, “Why do I have to buy the lumber and supplies? Can’t we use some of the lumber leftover from when we built our house to make her one too?” My reply-“No, we don’t have enough lumber for that.” Then she asks can we buy the lumber/supplies and she will pay us, and my reply to that was also no. I ended the call with “think about it and get back with me”. She never did get back with me. She got her mother to buy the nephew a pre-made coop that lasted for about 4 months before they no longer had an interest in chickens, and she gave it away. 0107-19
Yeah, there are people in this world who think supplies and materials grows on trees and magically appears when asked for.
In regards to Sandy’s “quite demanding” behavior and “acting like she had actually ‘hired’ ” you, in the rare situations where I have donated my services and labor and in return I’ve been treated like the hired help, my standard reply is, “I”m sorry but the privilege of speaking to me in that manner will cost you $XXXXX.” You want to talk down to me like the hired help? That will cost you.
What Defines “Immediate Family”? Are Grandparents “Immediate”?
My grandson has been away at college, and we’ve barely seen him in months. Some weeks ago, his parents sent out the information for his graduation, which will require a 6-hour car drive and a hotel stay of at least one night. The graduation is Friday morning.
Last week we were given more information. He is free all day Thursday, but will have to leave immediately after graduation on Friday, and we won’t see him again for several months.
So, yesterday I get a text from his mother. They are requesting that only his “immediate” family (mother, father, younger siblings) spend the day with him on Thursday, the rest of us are invited to dinner Thursday night. Now, I don’t care because I won’t be arriving until late Thursday afternoon anyway, but his other grandparents had planned to go earlier to spend more time with him.
To me, this is a slap in the face to his other grandparents, who practically raised the boy until his parents finally got their act together.
Thoughts? 0116-19
I’ve seen this done with “small, intimate” weddings where allegedly only immediate family are invited but grandparents are excluded.
So, a parent or the parents inform extended family that the graduate will be home all day Thursday prior to graduation day and then a week later inform these same family members that they are now excluded from Thursday visitation. That’s inconsiderate, at best. The first announcement has the implied message to guests to make their travel plans accordingly in order to have time with the graduate on Thursday. Once those plans have been made, a new message is sent explaining that family guests are not welcome to show up on Thursday after all.
There is also an underlying assumption that the parents can act as their adult son’s social secretary, screening who can socially interact with him. While parents can dictate their own house rules and hosts can set the guest list, what a 22 year old man does outside of the parental home is not under parental control. In other words, grandson is quite capable of meeting grandparents for coffee or a short lunch outside of the home on Thursday.
So OP, what does your grandson have to say about this? Is he on board with the idea of not seeing any grandparents prior to dinner?
Parents Don’t Owe Their Adult Kids A Dedicated Guest Room In The House Either
This was submitted by the same OP who wrote and submitted yesterday’s post. It would appear that there are more sides to the family dynamics than meets the eye.
If you meet or engage someone coming from a perspective that the other person is evil, disgusting, beyond repulsive…people are not stupid. They can pick up on that attitude reeking from every pore of your body and it will not go well.
My father lives in a beautiful townhouse with my stepmother ,lets just call her Cruella. She’s the most materialistic selfish slut, flabbergasted that he married her. The townhouse is appointed with the finest of everything, marble floors, ornate fireplaces, ornate doors, the works. Well, heaven, forbid anyone stay at their “palace” because family wasn’t a priority, their money was. They transformed the second bedroom into their marble inlaid spa room, complete with Jacuzzi tub and marble walls. Yes, marble walls. So they had one bedroom just to make sure no one could ever ever stay there, even when I drove 1000 miles to see them with two small children.Well, Cruella didn’t speak to or hold either child and went outside to chain smoke for hours. Mind you this was the first time they met their two year old grandson. My father then asks where I’m going to stay. Ummmm…I ended up staying with the awful step sister Jaci. Now Jaci is just like the mother, loud, slutty, no filter. Just horrible. I go to put a movie in, a gross porn movie pops out. Omg. Gross. I just go to bed while my 8 year old has to sleep on the couch. While she’s falling asleep blasting reality tv shows.
The next day we go to the zoo and my father and I pack a nasty lunch of bologna sandwiches And a bag of chips. This guy makes easily $150,000 a year, made twice that when I was a kid but business slowed a tad. I’m not expecting a steakhouse but maybe a lunch somewhere decent?? Applebee’s, Hardee’s?? He hasn’t seen us in seven years, maybe a little splurge on us?? Mind you, I went to the store to buy the kids’ groceries because he had no food. He refused to pay for any groceries for us but whatever. He’s always been cheap but Cruella made him much worse.
So we leave the next day when my step sister’s son, a$$hole of the century, begins to tear me a new one. I’m “disgusting ” for putting a diaper on my two year old on the carpet. He’s clean, the diaper is clean, just sliding it on. He then yells at me that I’m rude and unappreciative and a pig and a slob and I have no respect and everyone there hates me which is why no one visits me. No one else is home, Jaci went to work so I’m left alone with this 13 year old cretin. I told him we were leaving and I never wanted to see him again. I told my father and Jaci. My father is disappointed but doesn’t do anything. Jaci says not a word about it, no apology, no card. Nothing. Little bastard. Didn’t drive 1000 miles to be treated like garbage by her obnoxious rude little pig. I will never go back.
The best part of the trip was the ride home where we stopped off at a lovely little ornate bakery/candy store in rural PA where we bought an amazing lemon cake and candy and enjoyed a fun ride home of sweets and stopped at a wonderful hotel with an indoor pool. 1211-18
The Dreaded Question
My DH and I have been together for 13 years, no children. Every holiday during our family visits we get the dreaded question: “When are you two going to have kids?”
We are not interested in having children……at all. We thought it would be an acceptable answer, but family still insists to know why. Then things get awkward. We don’t want to offend the parents in our family by saying we don’t like children. We’ve tried fibbing by saying, “We’re trying…but nothing” but the conversation gets even more awkward with baby making tips.
I’m very interested in this community’s opinion on how to answer this question in the best way! 1231-16
This is merely my opinion but when relatives keep nattering wanting to know information you aren’t willing to share or they won’t accept the answer given, it’s time to switch to viewing this as a game that you must win. And games are fun! Go to holiday dinner prepared with a humorous, fantastical story. For example, one relative of ours has a long scar down the middle of his chest and he isn’t interested in retelling the boring medical history of why it is there so he fabricated a story of being attacked by a shark. People get the idea that he’s kindly dismissing their intrusive question but it’s done to amuse as well. I know the real story of how his scar came into being so I play along with the shark story and feign horror. I’ve seen some bean-dipping fantasy stories take on a complete life of their own so much that they become family folklore.
I don’t think anyone needs to know the reason why you do not want children. At holidays it’s a recipe for contention as the issue becomes serious and debates can ensue. In your shoes I might come up with a stupid story that gremlins seem to be invading my bed each night and stealing my eggs. Or that I’ve been diagnosed with necliberositis (from the Latin nec liberos meaning “no children”) and that I cannot have children. Yes, it’s stupid BUT people are being stupid asking intrusive questions and it’s a way to skirt around the intricacies of serious issues with a little humor.