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Know Your Boundaries And Defend The Territory

Today marks the start of a new series of discussions on this blog on the issue of having personal boundaries. What are your boundary lines, are they reasonable, how will you react when those boundary lines are crossed, are all questions we will be addressing over the coming months.

For today’s discussion, the story of waitress Emelia Holden is appropos.   Read the full story HERE.

Emelia Holden, a waitress at Vinnie Van Go-Go’s in Savannah, Georgia fought back when a man groped her while she was working.

Surveillance footage shows Holden, 21, taking orders when a man approached her from behind and cupped her backside. She then grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into the counter behind her.

“I looked at him and said, ‘You don’t touch me, motherf—-!'” Holden said in an interview with People magazine. “I didn’t even think, I just reacted.”

According to police, the man in the video is 31-year-old Ryan Cherwinski from Palm Bay, Florida.

Cherwinski told police it was just an accident, and that he was trying to inform her to move because she was in his way, according to a report from a local news station.

After viewing the security camera recording, Cherwinski was arrested on charges of sexual battery.

I don’t know a single woman of my acquaintance who has not had this happen to her.  Every one has had their buttocks fondled, cupped or groped by a strange man in public.   And clothing had nothing to do with whether they were assaulted.   I was wearing blue jeans and a t shirt when it happened to me in a crowded Washington, D.C. hotel foyer.   While in college in the late 1970’s, one of the fraternities had a pledge initiation “rite” where potential members had to grope an unsuspecting female on the buttocks and get away with it.   Women are viewed as nothing more than toys that every man has a right to play with when he so desires.

Emelia Holden knew her personal boundaries regarding her space and body and no one has the right to cross that boundary so her reaction to being touched was immediate and strong.   I believe men grope in public as a daring game to see how much they can get away and therefore the danger level of responding firmly is not particularly high.   More women need to follow Holden’s example.  Having good manners does not mean we allow people to violate boundaries with no consequences whatsoever.   Etiquette can be quite brutal actually to those who have no sense of propriety about honoring others’ personal space.

The Hungry Drama Queens Were Roaring….Don’t Feed The Drama Queens

I was eating by myself at a chain Italian restaurant. It was about 7pm on a Saturday night so the restaurant is packed and the servers are running hard to make sure everyone has what they need.

Shortly after I was seated, a family of six were seated at a table next to mine.
It looked like a pair of grandparents, a pair of parents, and two middle school aged kids.

Since we’re in the same section, we have the same server.
From the start this family was running the poor server ragged.

Server: “Welcome to Italian Place. My name is Server. Can I start you off with a sample of…”

Father: “Coke!”

And the rest of them chime in with their drink orders without ever looking up or acknowledging the server as a human being.

The server brought their drinks and started taking their orders. All six of them ordered an appetizer and an entrée each. And by the time the server was done taking their orders the dad had finished his coke and demanded “Where’s my refill?”

This family complained the entire time.

“There aren’t enough olives in the salad!”

“I want more dressing!”

“Where’s the marinara and alfredo dipping sauce for the breadsticks??!!!??!!” (Side note: they hadn’t ordered any dipping sauces for the breadsticks. Which explains why none had been brought.)
“We need more cheese on this salad!”

“More breadsticks!”

And every time the server went dashing off to get a new item for them, one of them would suck down their drink and complain when the server brought them what they asked for.

“How hard is it to keep our drinks topped off? This is terrible service!”

The server ended up bringing them two drinks each to try and reduce the number of times he had to run back and forth.

The sever offered to get his manager for them multiple times and the dad always declined with a “I don’t want to see the manager, I want you to do your job!”

They had complaints about every one of their entrees.

“This chicken alfredo is dry. Why are they so stingy with the sauce! I want more sauce!”

“I need more cheese on mine!”

“This looks sloppy! Why did they plate it so sloppy?”

For all of their complaints, they demolished all of the appetizers and all of the entrees.

Then each of them ordered their own dessert.

Side note: As a Fatty McFatterson myself, I am NOT judging them for the amount of food they consumed. People should be able to eat as much or as little as they choose without comment or judgment. Mostly I’m making note of this for two reasons:

1) How expensive the bill must have been

2) The fact that in spite of all their complaints about how horrible the food was they ate every bit of it. I don’t know about you, but if my chicken parmesan actually tasted “like cat food” I don’t think I’d be able to eat every single bite of it and wipe up all the sauce with even more breadsticks.

The server drops off all their desserts. Again with complaints:

“This looks smaller than I remember! Why is this slice so small?”

“Where’s my coffee? How am I supposed to eat cake without a cup of coffee?” (Side note: she didn’t order any coffee when she ordered the dessert. And she’d been drinking soda all night so it wasn’t like her normal drink was empty.)

“This cheesecake seems really cold. Has it been defrosted? I’m not eating frozen cheesecake!”

The server rushes off to do their bidding again, at this point the poor kid has probably completed a marathon just in the steps he’s taken between this table and the kitchen and back.

The manager has finally made it over to this part of the dining room doing her normal “How’d everything going tonight” check.

She makes it to this six top and the dad lets loose a tirade:

“Terrible! This is the worst experience we’ve ever had in a restaurant! The food was inedible! Our waiter keeps disappearing! None of us can get a refill of our drink! He refused to fix what was wrong with our food! He refused to get a manager when we asked for one! Our night out has been ruined!”

And here, dear EHell readers, is where I may have stepped over the line.

I have been a server before.

And I watched this server run around like a dog for these people. I watched him give truly outstanding service to a table that made it clear from the beginning that there would be no appeasing them. Then I watched this dad lie to the manager’s face about it.

So I opened my mouth and piped up with, “That’s not true. The server has brought them extra of everything they asked for and he’s been running back and forth bringing them refills all night. He also offered to get them manager for them several times and was told they don’t want a manager.”

The dad leapt up from his seat, knocking his chair over, and unleashed a profanity filled screed like I’ve never heard before. “Shut up you fat b-word! You don’t know what you’re f-word-ing talking about!… (Lots of incoherent whirlgarble, lots of curse words, more screaming…) Get your stuff! We’re leaving! I’ve never been so disrespected in my life!”

This guy’s family all grabs their stuff and heads off. The manager steps in front of the dad. She says “Sir, you haven’t paid your bill. If you leave now I’ll be forced to call the police.”

The dad grabs his wallet, pulls out a single dollar bill, throws it on the table with, “That’s all this meal was worth! There you go!”,  stomps around the other side of the table slamming the chairs in so he can squeeze by, and stomps out of the restaurant.

The server starts apologizing to the manager. The manager tells him not to worry about it.

I apologized to the manager for opening my big mouth, since that’s what set this guy off into full blown tantrum mode. And I try to explain that I just couldn’t stand seeing the sever get in trouble after he worked so hard trying to make the table happy.

The manager told me not to worry about it.

So, I’m asking you guys. Where is the line between polite spine and busybody?
I fear I might have crossed it here. I was just a bystander. It wasn’t my place to stand up for the server.
And by saying something I escalated the situation from unpleasant to full blown scene.
Should I have just kept my mouth shut? 1228-17

I would have waited until the family left the restaurant and then spoken with the manager about what I witnessed.   The red flags were already waving that this family were entitled narcissists.   People like this purposely create drama as a manipulative tool to avoid either paying for what they received or to get what they want.   That level of drama is proven tactic that exploits people’s desire to not have conflict.   Dad  created that much drama banking on the manager not wanting any MORE drama of calling police.   In other words, it likely was a scam to avoid paying for the meal.

Fake Charity and Kindness

A week ago a Facebook video created by rodeo coach Paige Yore went viral with over 20 million views.   In the video Yore describes an encounter she had on Black Friday with a teenaged cashier at a Wal-Mart who had allegedly lost his mother to suicide that morning.

The problem? Not much of it is factual. Wal-Mart managers were alerted to the video after people began calling the store asking to help the cashier in question. Upon reviewing the surveillance camera and talking to the cashier, Wal-Mart released a statement that the statements Yore made in the video were false. Snopes.com has also determined this viral video is false.

From an etiquette perspective, it is generally considered bad form to brag about your charitable giving and especially to exploit someone else’s alleged misery so that the net effect is that you gain more from the publicity than the alleged victim stood to gain. There is a delicate balance between informing a large group of people to an opportunity to serve and looking too much like you are doing it to get your ego stroked. What tips the scale in this situation is that Yore presents herself as the savior and by doing so, she has a reasonable expectation that people will praise her for her alleged generosity and kindness and as expected, a whole lot of people do exactly that. In the case of Paige Yore, observers noted that she had attempted to create other such “feel good” videos but none had resonated with viewers nor reached the level of viewership that the most recent one did.

Invasion of Public Privacy

Two weeks ago my husband and I took five of our nieces and nephews for the weekend.

We went to out neighborhood community pool for the day for swimming and fun. All five (ages 4-12) have taken swimming lessons and the 4 year old had on arm floaties as an extra precaution.

We know the lifeguards well at our neighborhood pool and they asked who had taken swim lessons. They are vigilant, thank goodness.

While we were swimming, I turned my head to look at the other 3 children to my right. In a span of about five seconds, my 7 year old nephew to the left of me stepped into deeper water and got a big enough gulp of water to make him panic and begin to drown. Drowning is silent and quick. The lifeguard blew her whistle and was pulling him out within seconds. Afterwards when we pieced together what happened she said that the whole ordeal from me turning my head to her reaching him lasted 10-15 seconds. It can happen so quickly.

She pulled him out and he had lost consciousness for a few moments. She was about to start CPR. These moments seemed like an eternity for all of us and honestly, they were the worst and most agonizing moments of my life.

A gentleman who was there with his kids stepped over the lifeguard and the lifeless body of my nephew and began to point his camera and take pictures. I screamed at him to get out of the way and stop taking pictures. When he continued, my husband screamed at him several times and he finally walked away. This all happened during the precious moments that the lifeguard was assessing and attempting to revive him. Turns out she didn’t need to do CPR. He began breathing on his own very quickly.

I’m so very thankful that this story has a happy ending but was absolutely astonished and appalled at this man’s behavior.

I told the lifeguard afterwards what happened and she said she hadn’t known about any of that because she was so focused. She went up to the man and demanded his camera and deleted the pictures he took and asked him to leave. He did so without ever saying anything to us.

Again I’m so happy this story has a happy ending. As a side note, please be careful this summer in the pool. And please, before you make any comments about us not being careful or cautious, we absolutely were. Children drown with the most careful of parents nearby. 0625-15

Similar situation this past week when a 12 year old girl had her arm bitten off by a shark while swimming in the ocean at a beach in North Carolina.  Someone took photos of the scene on the beach afterwards as people worked on her and these were plastered all over the news.

Even though these incidents do occur in public, bystanders should show some discretion, restraint and empathy to not take photos.

Some Phrases Should Never Be Said… or How Shawn Simoes Missed An Opportunity To Be A Viral Hero (Updated)

This is a link to a recent happening in Toronto, Canada. An employee of a government owned utility company was fired either because a) he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and behaved in an idiotic fashion or b) he showed blatant disregard for a fellow human being and his behaviour was in direct violation of his company’s code of ethics. You decide after reading the article or my summary below!

For those who don’t want to read the entire article, the story went something like this: at a sporting event a female reporter was heckled by some hooligans using the ever more popular phrase: FHRITP. If you’re curious, please google it as I’m not sure the actual words are appropriate for this site! (Admin note:  I’ll spare you the effort…it means “F**k her right in the p**sy”. )   Following this, the offenders began laughing and eventually left. The agitated reporter began interviewing bystanders asking whether they thought it was appropriate and one of said bystanders was the man who was fired. He may have been drunk and he told her he thought it was hilarious and that he was laughing. She kept asking him questions including: “What would your mother say to this?”. The answer was something to the effect that she would also laugh and find it hilarious. At the end of the segment, he added that she was lucky there wasn’t a vibrator on the scene (referring to an old incident in which a male British reporter had a erm…blue vibrator pressed to his ear).

There’s no question that the phrase is derogatory and only funny to idiots but I’m curious about what everyone thinks of the firing. On the one hand, the man in question is a complete jerk but the fact remains that he didn’t start the whole thing, was off the clock and gave his opinion only when asked for it. I will reserve my opinion for the comments in an effort to keep this piece as unbiased as possible! 0513-15

 

The phrase came about last year when TV reporter John Cain was reporting on the case of a missing 20 year old woman and he thought his mic was not live.  Unfortunately for him he was not only caught on camera but live news broadcast saying that he would “f**k her right in the pussy”, referring to the missing young woman.   He was promptly fired from his job.   Subsequently an anonymous man named “Fred”, having seen the John Cain video clip, interrupted a live news report by a female reporter by jumping in front of her, grabbing the microphone from her hands and saying “FHRITP”.   It has since gone viral and the phrase now used to disrupt live news reporting which was what occurred in the Canada to form the basis of this submission .

I don’t see anything remotely humorous about this whatsoever.   John Cain deserved to be fired for what appears to be a grotesque reference to a missing young woman who may have been been assaulted or dead. It is a grave indecency to the woman and her family and shows an almost pathological disdain for the feelings of others in a time of crisis.   And a burning question I had after watching the John Cain comment was, “What kind of man thinks of sex with a woman who has become newsworthy because she has gone missing?”  I mean, shouldn’t there be other more important, pressing issues on the mind than sex?

And “Fred”should be outed by someone so that news media and police have him on their radar during future live news casts.   Because what Fred has started is a viral campaign against female reporters thus creating a hostile workplace for them. potentially limiting their exposure on the news, and demeaned their work by ruining the shot.   He thinks it’s all a big joke and apparently fired Shawn Simoes thought so, too.

Dear Mr. Simoes,  Just because someone asks your opinion does not mean you are obligated to actually give it.  Etiquette certainly provides us with a number of suitable ways to demur from answering questions that would be imprudent to respond to.   But respond you did and by doing so, you made a choice to validate behavior that any reasonable, civil person views as reprehensible and threatening.   There is no doubt as to where you stand on the issue and I do believe there should be consequences for the choices one makes because I would not want to interact with you as a representative of your previous employer knowing that you have such a profound disdain for women and a poor moral compass  in regards to what is considered humorous.

Stupid man, you had the opportunity right in your hand to become a viral hero to tens of thousands of women internationally. If only you had responded like this, “I think the phrase is disrespectful to women and indecent.   I’m sorry you were the recipient of that verbal insult, Ms. Hunt.”   But in a crowd of like-minded men, you went along with the pack mentality lest your man card get revoked and you became the unemployed poster child of insensitive, disrespectful, cretinous men worldwide.

 And this isn’t entirely about freedom of speech or the consequences of speech but more so about the disappearance of common decency and respect in the public arena.   Why would anyone think a sexually charged phrase is an acceptable joke?   Where is the sense of decency that restrains behavior and not bring shame upon oneself?  This is another of those “jokes” where if you do not play along with the viral “joke’, you are viewed as a spoil sport so the tables have been turned where the target of the “joke” is under greater social and peer pressure to tolerate indecency than those using the phrase.