Category: Just Plain Tacky

I know so many people who get married in a church or who see a church and what to get married because of how pretty it is, etc etc. I even know people who claim to be Hindu or Buddhist, but want that traditional church wedding- so they offer money to the church and hire a preacher.

I personally believe that if you are not a Christian and are not attending that church, then you should be married within your own religion at your own place of worship- OR at a court house by a judge. My father is a pastor, and it’s just so weird to have people who have no interest in our beliefs or attending our church, randomly stop in and if they can be married at our church. Sometimes they even ask if my father will marry them- a very ‘package’ deal, you might say. The question that normally follows is, “What about your own church?”

“Oh, we don’t normally attend any church. But we believe in God!”

or

“Oh. We only go to church on Christmas/Easter.”

or

“Well, we’re thinking about maybe something attending church here…”

My father’s normal response to these people is, “Tell you what. You come to this church for one month and attend four marriage sessions that I’ll give to you. And then I’ll let you know if I am willing to marry you in this church.”

That normally makes the people disappear right away. The serious and sincere ones- and yes, we have had a few who truly meant that they did want to start coming to church- followed through. Even more people pretend they are okay with it, come for one week, two sessions and… fall away.

Okay, can you please try to understand? This is our CHURCH. People come here to connect with God. It is a sacred, religious place to the people who attend. You cannot just adopt a church and a religion for a day just so your wedding pictures look nice. If you and your partner aren’t religious people or have no interest in Christianity, you have no business getting married in a Christian church. Go to a judge in a court house. Get married on the beach. Get married in a flower garden. There are plenty of beautiful locations to get married that are not the church.

And hey, I’m not just saying it happens in Christian churches. It applies to ALL religions. If you are not part of that religion, you have no business pretending you are for one day. It’s just rude.

Are there some exceptions where it is okay? Yes. If the couple is trying to find a location that is more accessible for family, or a similar situation, then we have no problem allowing them to use our church. Usually those people are so kind, and they ask if their own pastor can deliver the service, which is exactly the way it should be. We do everything we can to make it a special day.

And I’m sorry if this offends people, but I think I’m right. And the real reason that convinces me of this is that the majority of people who are religious and attend a place of worship regularly agree with me. The people who don’t follow a particular religion or are undecided, normally disagree. I’m interested to see how readers will respond to this, and if it will follow the normal pattern. 0123-11

I’ll start the “pattern”.   In my church, you cannot use the building to be married unless you are a member of our church and attend 6 hours of premarital counseling OR you are a member in good standing in another church that has required counseling.   We do not believe that a building is sacred but that entering into the covenant of marriage is a serious commitment that should not be entered into frivolously or lightly hence the requirement for extensive premarital counsel and a relationship to the church congregation who will help hold the couple accountable to their vows.

Count me among those who think it very bizarre that someone of different religion wants to use another religion’s place of worship as their wedding ceremony venue.

Hi, can I ask your reader’s advice?

A few years ago my best friend was going through a tough spot, so I let her join in on a gift for another friend’s wedding.  I paid the lion’s share, she chipped in a few quid, and we said it was from all four of us (partner’s included).

She’s on her feet now, earning as much as I do, but she still wants to carry on this arrangement. We’ve got another wedding coming up next month where they’ve asked for monetary donations towards a new sofa.  That’s fine, I was going to put in about £70 ($100 approx).  She’s just e-mailed me to say she wants to put in £20, and can it go with mine as usual?  She knows I like to be generous, and I won’t decrease my part of the gift just because of her.

How do I tell her to stand behind her own gift, and stop being so cheap?   Or am I just being petty in letting this bother me?    0625-10

1.  I’ll assume that the information that the couple wanted money for a sofa was acquired AFTER you and friends asked the couple what they would like for a wedding gift.   (Just because someone asks for something does not mean one is obligated to give it, btw.)

2.  What you give as a gift to someone is no one else’s business.  You can eliminate 99% of the problem by not sharing any information as to what you are giving or how much you are giving.   If your friend asks if you are giving a wedding gift, you demure by saying, “I hadn’t given it much thought yet.”     If she presses asking what monetary amount you plan to contribute, you again demure saying,  “I think that is between me and the recipient.   Would you like some bean dip?”

It’s very common among my circle of friends and church community to give group gifts for wedding and baby showers.  The unspoken and firmly upheld rule is that the organizer of the group gift NEVER reveals the amounts people contribute for the gift to each other or the recipient.    That’s private information that serves no one to know.

This is a tale about accidental wedding rivalry.

My fiancé and I had settled on a date to tie the knot a little over a year in advance, and began the ordeal of wedding planning, locking down venues and vendors, etc. Meanwhile, my cousin (let’s call her Carol) meets a wonderful man, and announces her engagement and intent to marry the following year as well. I figure, it’s a pretty big year, and the weddings will surely be far apart. As we see each other every holiday, she and I talk about wedding planning, share anecdotes, etc.

A few months later, Carol calls me to ask what our wedding date is again. I tell her the date, thinking little of it. She then calls me the next day with her “wonderful plan.” We both have an aunt, Trudy, who lives with her husband, Trent on another continent. Carol’s wonderful plan is this: she should have her wedding a few days before mine! If we’re having back to back weddings, then we can have Aunt Trudy come to both weddings! Yay! Her mom, Trudy’s sister, also thinks this is a magical idea! And hey, maybe we can plan together and have thematically similar weddings!

Flabbergasted, I tell her I’ll have to think about it. I call my mom, to tell her about this odd new turn of events. Trudy is her favorite sister, and of course she wants her at my wedding too, so she thinks this is a fantastic idea. I’m sorta wierded out by it, for reasons I will elaborate later.

My family is big on phone trees. Having to still process this idea, I call all my three sisters and a few in-laws to discuss (yeah, I have a big family). My sisters are all outraged, from two declaring that Carol is “stealing my thunder” to my eldest sister who thinks I am entitled to be married first as I was engaged first. I don’t really care about not being the focus of attention. What I do find odd is:

1. If our weddings are back to back, then all of our relatives (as I mentioned, big family) will either have to make the commitment to schlep to both weddings, or pick one, or go to neither if they can’t take the time off. Everyone excepting Aunt Trudy lives in the same state, a few hours apart. Imagine having to drive to one location for a few hours to attend a wedding, then have to do it again a week later for another wedding. Weird.
2. Why would Carol base her wedding planning Aunt Trudy and me? Granted, I love my aunt but the reasons my fiancé and I picked our date were about us. We’re getting married, not Trudy. If she can’t make it, that’s ok. Furthermore, I’m selfish enough to plan my wedding around my fiancé and me, can’t Carol have enough spine to plan her own event?
3. Gifts. Yes, I said it. While I don’t necessarily expect gifts I know my kind and loving family will want to give us things. If the weddings are indeed right next to each other, it might put a financial strain on our relatives.
4. My cousin and I do not share the same tastes at all. There will be no “thematically similar wedding.”

After deciding that I thought it was odd to do a double wedding just to have our aunt in attendance, I called back all involved parties and explained that I just wasn’t comfortable with having the weddings that close together. The solution? My cousin grudgingly agreed to a two-week interim. Woo.

I know this is maybe a tale about my cousin being too considerate, but I still thought it was bizarre! The end result is that Aunt Trudy ended up coming to both weddings anyway. And, after knowing the date of my wedding (and basing her wedding on my date) she didn’t even come! Unfortunately for my poor cousin, since the ceremonies were still pretty close together, my relatives liberally compared the two, hers was “nice” – mine declared one of the best parties they had ever been to.  0607-10