Missy, Missy, Oh My!

My youngest son is graduating high school this year and wants to invite all the family. The invitations have been sent except for one, my brother “Steve”. My son would like to invite his Steve, his wife “Missy” and cousin “Madison” (Madison is Steve’s daughter from his first marriage). The reason for the hesitation is Missy.

Whenever you invite Steve and Missy anywhere, Missy’s adult daughter, grandson, neice and cousin “Martha” and Martha’s husband “Jimmy” also come. That’s 5 additional people that come, even though the were not invited. It does not matter what event is it, they always come. Every. Single. Time. Missy’s adult son will occasionally show up. Also, Missy will get upset over the slightest things. Several examples:

1) When my mother, sister and nephew went to visit my father out of state, they also visited with Steve. Missy wanted them to arrive at a certain time. They departed early from our hometown so they arrived early. When Missy came home and found my mother, sister and nephew had already arrived, she was mad. According to my mother, Missy spent the entire time they were at her house being short-tempered and rude. If Steve got out of Missy’s line of sight, she would immeditately seek him out and ask what they had been talking about and why they were sitting on the deck, instead of sitting in the house. She also kept asking my mother when they were going to go back to the hotel(!).

2) My sister invited Missy, Steve and Madison out to dinner the night they arrived. Mother, sister and nephew arrived at the restaurant. Steve and Missy were nowhere to be found, even though the left at the same time. 45 minutes later, Steve and Missy arrive and another car pulls in right beside the truck. Out of the truck steps Steve, Missy, Madison, Missy’s daughter and Missy’s grandson (daughter’s child). Out of the car steps Martha, Jimmy, Missy’s adult son and Missy’s niece. That’s 9 people, when sister had only invited 3. The additional 6 were not at the home at the time the invitation was issued. My sister ended paying for dinner for 12 people. Yes, she should have spoken up but said she was in shock and did not want to be rude. My mother said the adult daughter and son made a spectacle of themselves in the restaurant, talking very loudly and making inappropriate comments about the waitress.

3) At my father’s funeral in December of 2014, Steve, Missy, Madison, Missy’s adult daughter, grandson, niece, Martha and Jimmy came. Normally, I would think they were there to express their sympathies and support Steve. That’s not what happened. Missy’s daughter, grandson, niece, Martha and Jimmy stayed in the fellowship hall during the services. I saw them before the service and at the graveside. (Actually, my father had never met Missy’s daughter, grandson, niece, Martha and Jimmy. Steve and Missy had to reschedule their wedding due to a hurricane bearing down on the East Coast, so none of Steve’s family were able to attend due to evacuations and they never brought any of the extended family when they visited my father). My brother asked if I wanted to go to them to eat before they left for home. I don’t think Missy wanted us to come and barely spoke to me or my family during the meal, but was quite animated while talking to her family. I paid for my family’s meals and he paid for theirs.

There are more examples, but I think you get basic idea. Missy has never been overtly rude to me, but she is not exactly warm. I would have no problem hosting Steve, Missy and Madison, but I simply do not have room for 5 additional people. I would even pay for Steve, Missy and Madison a hotel room, if they would prefer. My mother would probably want to host them, too or at least have Madison stay with her. I fear that if I invite them, they will bring the others. I have nothing against Missy’s extended family, but I do not know them and I would not understand them wanting to attend a high school graduation ceremony for someone they don’t know and have never met. If the outdoor ceremony gets rained out, we only get 10 tickets for the family. Between grandparents, aunts, and the 2 older siblings, the tickets are gone.

So… is there a polite way to communicate that Steve, Missy and Madison are more than welcome, but I would prefer they not bring the rest of the family? 0427-15

It is quite appropriate to specify who exactly is invited.

“Husband and I would be delighted to invite you (Steve), your wife Missy and daughter Madison to Junior’s graduation ceremony.   Tickets were very limited in number so we are happy to be able to include you, Missy and Madison for this special occasion.”     It’s irrelevant, imo, that the ceremony is planned for an outdoor venue because the secondary rain plan certainly does necessitate the limitations of tickets.

Ditto for offers to host them as house guests:  “If you need an overnight place, we can accommodate three people at most.”

There is nothing wrong in asking them to verify (rsvp) who is coming to the ceremony and who will be staying as a house guest under the truthful pretext that you need to confirm your plans.   And if you discover they are bringing extra guests, you firmly state that you cannot accommodate that because the truth is, you can’t.

And if crashing the after ceremony party is a concern, state on the invitations that a reception will be hosted after the ceremony with location information forthcoming at a later date (like to the people who are actual guests at the ceremony).