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The Intrinsic Value of Doing The Right Thing and How A Deft Reply Disarms

My partner of five years and I just hosted some of his family for a long weekend. They flew in from another estate for a big event in the life of one of his children. I’ve visited his family before and I thought we got along just great.

When I was in their home I did my best to be a good guest – I took a generous hostess gift, tried not to leave so much as a speck of dust in my trail, listened three times more than I talked, praised the food that was served, praised their decor, went along with whatever they all wanted to do and sent proper thank you notes after the visit.

I was very excited when I learned that they were going to come stay with us a few days. I spent weeks readying the guest rooms, including in laying putting nice toiletries, flowers, reading material, etc. in the rooms where they would be sleeping. I went to a lot of effort and spent some considerable money on special food and drink. While they were here, I took them out for a nice, high-end lunch.

What did they do? At the first dinner, one family member spent quite a bit of almost angrily telling me what a wonderful woman my partner’s ex-wife is. I agreed with this person because the ex-wife and I get along splendidly.

The next day, one of our guests decided that the breakfast that we provided was not to their liking and fixed themselves a large breakfast separate from what everyone else was eating, then left a greasy mess in the kitchen for me to clean up. Cookware, grease and dirty dishes were everywhere.

When we offered to take them sightseeing they refused to do anything, all the while complaining that there was nothing to do in our town. Later that day, I took them out for a nice lunch in a high-end restaurant. Not only did they not say one word of thank you, but the entire lunchtime was spent talking about how they wanted to go get a hostess gift for another family member who was hosting a dinner later that night because they “don’t believe in visiting someone’s home empty-handed”? Funny, they showed up at my home empty-handed. It’s not that I wanted or expected anything from them but when they were having this discussion they were giving me pointed looks as though they were trying intentionally trying to insult me.

Even though I have been a part of this family for a long time and I get along with well with my partner’s ex and his children, I was meaningfully left out of all pictures until I handed someone else in the group my camera and asked them to take pictures. It seemed as though if there was any way they could insult or slight me, they would employ it.

I just smiled and played dumb to the insults, knowing that they were just there for a couple of days and would likely never have an occasion to come back to our town. I figured that I could just get through the visit and get back on with my life, that they wouldn’t insult me further once the visit was over.

I was wrong.

Later that week, a thank you note came – addressed only to my partner, not to me. Then I thought that would be the end of it. My partner was so embarrassed that he tried to hide it in the trashcan but I’d already seen it. I didn’t say one word to him because it obviously wasn’t his fault. Plus, I really thought that now the insults were truly over.

I was wrong again.

One week later, a thank you gift arrived, once again, with a personal note addressed only to him.

I’m still at a loss as to why they behaved this way. We’ve never had a disagreement. I did everything I could to make sure that they had a nice visit and they did everything but actually slap me in the face.

The good news is that they will likely never visit here again and I will certainly not visit them. I don’t know what they think they accomplished with their rude behavior but all they did was embarrass and alienate their family member. The happy little life that my partner and his children share will go on as it always has.

I guess it is true that “Grace is the scent of the violet on the heel that crushed it.”

In situations such as this, I think the best one can hope for is having the inner satisfaction that you did it right.   You have been a good guest and a good hostess and you can rest content in that knowledge regardless of how poorly others act.

Btw, nice response to the ugly comment comparing you to the ex-wife.  You totally defused that fiery dart aimed at you and demonstrated that you are the one in control.   That was an excellent example of what I’ve been preaching about for years, i.e. to never hand over control of the situation by falling for the bait and reacting inappropriately.


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • lakey September 3, 2015, 10:49 am

    OP and Administrator are right. The way to deal with houseguests like this is don’t have them as guests again. If they ever do come to town again, your partner can give them the phone number of a hotel and tell them that you two are very busy. You handled it well. When people are deliberately trying to needle you, if you react at all, it gives them what they want. Withhold the reaction that they are looking for.

    Also, your partner sounds like a keeper.

  • Laura September 3, 2015, 11:00 am

    Truly this is their loss OP! You sound like a gracious, generous and thoughtful person. I’m glad you are able to move forward from this, having taken the high road. Good for you, because this is easier said than done!

  • Gena September 3, 2015, 11:06 am

    And your partner hasn’t addressed this?

    • Dee September 3, 2015, 12:23 pm

      Yeah, I thought the letter was about the partner not backing up OP, not about the rudeness of acquaintances. OP makes it sound as if she (he?) and partner live in separate places and it’s the OP who hosted the in-laws, not the partner. I think they actually do live together but the partner’s complete lack of involvement seems to suggest otherwise. Doesn’t sound like he’s much of a sweetheart to me, and may be the reason why the in-laws poked OP so much.

    • DanaJ September 3, 2015, 1:35 pm

      For out-of-state, somewhat distant relatives I can see how it would’t be worth the drama (nasty people get even nastier and then could drag closer family members into a spat). If it was close family, like Partner’s parents, I’m sure it would have been addressed. But Cousin Putz or Aunt Poisonella?… Well, sometimes it’s just fine to be icy cold and never ever invite them back or go to visit them. Anything else becomes prolonged drama, so a cut indirect is usually enough.

      • mark September 4, 2015, 2:29 pm

        I understand where you are coming from, I just wonder at what point that enough is enough and you have to respond. Maybe your way is best, just be coldly distant, though part of me would want to respond to the string of insults. Even if it returning the gift with a note saying something to the effect that “you need to send this both of us or neither of us.”

      • Lola September 8, 2015, 1:21 pm

        If they’re close enough to stay in my home, they’re close enough to be called out on any foolishness toward me or my SO. If it gets intolerable, I’d be OK saying, “Auntie Dearest, I think it’s best that you find other accommodations for your stay, as you have made your distaste for your hosts quite clear.” Funnily enough, it would be easier to do so in defense of a loved one. I too cannot understand OP’s partner’s role in this.

  • just4kicks September 3, 2015, 11:13 am

    What insensitive and rude people!!!
    In my opinion, I think you handled yourself with class and grace. 🙂

    When I moved in with my now husband of almost 20 years, he and his ex wife had a daughter who was almost four.
    I had nothing to do with the end of their marriage, the ex left my husband and filed for divorce almost two years before we met and fell in love.
    The first Halloween I was around for we threw a party for our step daughter and about ten of her preschool pals.
    They trick or treated around the neighborhood, and then hung out at the house for games and hot dogs and cupcakes.
    In the spirit of friendship and “we are adults here, lets get along for the sake of “Susie””, I invited her mom to join us.
    She was good friends with a few of the other kids parents, and as I circulated around the house refreshing drinks and picking up used plates and napkins and candy wrappers, my husband’s ex wife and a few of the other moms huddled like mean sorority sisters and whispered about and laughed at me.
    And since I heard my name quite a few times, I knew I wasn’t being paranoid.
    I was crushed, but kept a smile plastered on my face, and never invited the ex to any party we had in the future.

    • Dyan September 3, 2015, 1:55 pm

      just…you are a better woman than I am hahaha I think I would have tossed the bag out of my house

      • just4kicks September 4, 2015, 4:21 am

        Although we get along fine now, this is the same woman who when we announced I was pregnant with our third child, told my step daughter who was 8 years old at the time, “ANOTHER KID?!? Well! You’re the only child it takes to make ME happy!!!”
        After my step daughter told us, (she burst out crying and we asked why she was so upset), my husband had to wrestle the phone out of my hands before I could call his ex wife and ask her just what the hell was wrong with her, saying something like that to her daughter!!!

        • JO September 4, 2015, 1:19 pm

          And I’m thinking, this is why she is an ‘ex’…

          • mark September 4, 2015, 2:31 pm

            lol, sounds just4kicks husband got the better deal with her vs ex.

    • Angel September 3, 2015, 5:10 pm

      That is just awful! I would never invite the ex again either. What a mean witch!

      • just4kicks September 4, 2015, 12:30 pm

        She has chilled out considerably, and although we don’t call each just to chat or meet for drinks, we can be in the same room and hold a friendly conversation.
        I’m sure I made some mistakes early on as well, but some of her comments early on were uncalled for and just plain mean.
        SHE left my husband, so I could never figure out what her problem was with me…..It’s not like I broke up the marriage.

        • Cora September 4, 2015, 3:32 pm

          Her problem with you is that you make her ex happy. See, he was supposed to be miserable and pining for her for the rest of his life — then you came along and ruined it all with your love and respect and courtesy and grace, and care and good manners and generosity and inclusion, you fiend.

          • AIP September 7, 2015, 4:07 pm

            Yep. That’s it exactly. “I don’t want him, but by Christ nobody else can have him either!”

            We all know clowns like this: and even having another relationship won’t detract him. The ex is meant to hold a candle for her forever, dammit!!!

        • Rebecca September 4, 2015, 6:23 pm

          At that time, did his ex have another relationship at all? Despite being the one to leave him, she could have been jealous that he had found happiness and started a new family while she was struggling. Or she just had a huge chip on her shoulder and thought he should mourn their relationship ending forever, curl up and pine for her. *face palm* I can think of so many scenarios, I’ve known too many of “those people” who will break up with someone and then threat them like garbage for no reason, bleh!

          I’m glad that you were able to handle that and that she’s calmed down, hopefully because she’s happy with life at this point.

          • just4kicks September 5, 2015, 9:12 am

            Thank you to all! What nice comments! 🙂
            I’ve been saying pretty much since I met the “ex”, that she still has feelings for him.
            Odd, since she left him….He came home from work one day and found the house completely cleaned out.
            My husband always said “she ended the marriage, I don’t think she is still in love with me”….
            until one day, she showed up two hours early to pick up their daughter.
            We were painting the nursery, and letting my step daughter help, so she felt involved with the process of having another new sibling.
            I excused myself and took my step daughter to her room to help pack up her things and overheard (she was screaming and shouting ….difficult NOT to hear the ex wife!!!”) my husband’s ex wife saying “you know what?!? If you hadn’t been SUCH AN A$$HOLE, this would’ve been US getting ready for OUR NEW BABY!!!!”
            Uh huh……just as I suspected.
            When they left, my husband said “did you hear that? I think you’re right!!!”

          • just4kicks September 7, 2015, 10:27 am

            @Rebecca: on the day of our wedding, my step daughter was our flower girl.
            Our reception lasted way past her bedtime, and we made arrangements for her mom to pick her up around 9:00 pm. The ex wife was dating a very nice man by that point and my husband and I stood outside with our daughter waiting for her to be picked up.
            The man she was dating pulled up in his car, and we both walked her to the car as we bad sent along flowers and cake and other favors from the wedding.
            The ex wife sat in the driver’s seat SOBBING and her new boyfriend looked very angry and said in a whisper to my husband “she’s been like this ALL DAMN DAY!!!”
            He wished us congratulations, and a happy and healthy life together, at this, the ex wife screamed “get her in her car seat so we can GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!”
            Um….okay then…..bye!

  • Cat September 3, 2015, 11:40 am

    Since they are communicating with your partner and not with you, I should leave any future encounters with them up to him. I would hope he would not take you back to visit them and, if they suggest coming to visit you, he can either say that it won’t be possible or he can be very honest and say that they did not seem to enjoy their visit so they would probably prefer another destination.
    They have made it very clear that you are not a part of their family. I would agree with them. Who would want to be related to them?

  • Shannon September 3, 2015, 12:04 pm

    Where was the partner in all this? Why didn’t he have your back? If my husband’s family were so openly insulting towards me, he would shut it down immediately and ask them to leave if the behavior persisted. (As it is, he has informed one sister-in-law that she is banned from our home until she apologizes for throwing tantrums at a Christmas we hosted a few years back.)

  • starstruck September 3, 2015, 12:25 pm

    Yes I agree. You are obviously more classy than this bunch, and it seems like the more graceful u were the more they tried to insult you to get any sort of reaction.. And it didn’t work. Good for you. One thing I would of had to say something about though is the mess in the kitchen. Probably something like, hey help me with this mess could you? I’ll wash, you rinse , or something to that affect. There are nice ways to say it. I dont allow people to trash my house.

  • GeenaG September 3, 2015, 12:30 pm

    Never stay with them again and never host them again. When people clearly show you who they are, believe them.

  • Tabitha September 3, 2015, 12:31 pm

    Ettiqutte wise, you handled yourself beautifully. As for your partner, these are the steps he may have taken (we don’t know that he did not),: He thanks you for your thoughtfulness and generosity towards his family in front of them. He accepts the compliments to the ex-wife and adds how happy he is now and what a great partner you make. He answers the thank you letter with his own letter stating the following: family has forgotten partners name on this thank you letter and request it be rewritten, family seemed oblivious to the efforts partner made for which she/he should be included in the thank you letter, I sincerly hope that’s not true but partner was thoughtful and welcoming in this way and this way and this way, in case you hadn’t noticed. If your partner did these things he is also is ettiquette approved.

  • cdubz September 3, 2015, 12:35 pm

    How horrible. What does your partner say about all of this? When he got the note, did he call his family and say “I got your note, but you really should have included OP. She put a lot of work into making it comfortable here for you,” or did he do nothing at all? He needs to be the one to talk to his family about this and why they are no longer welcome to stay in your home.

  • EllenS September 3, 2015, 12:37 pm

    Nicely done, OP. You can take it as a testimony of how well you kept the high ground, by how hard they kept working to get your goat.
    I’m so sorry you had to put up with such nasty treatment, from people who obviously knew better and were doing it intentionally. I’m glad your partner has a clue and did not try to make excuses for them.

  • PWH September 3, 2015, 12:58 pm

    OP, You took the high road, despite how rude and inappropriate your partner’s family was. I think some people are just beyond pleasing, but I hope that your partner will say something to his family about the way they behaved during the visit. I think I would be reluctant to have them back.
    My mother and bio father separated when I was around two. Just before I turned four my Mom met and married an incredible man, who was an awesome Dad to me. He never treated me differently than the two children he and my Mom later had. Sadly, he passed away a few years ago when I was just over 30. Prior to his death, as I got older, I realized that I wasn’t treated the same as my siblings and my cousins by Dad’s parents. At the time it was little things – birthday and Christmas gifts not being the same amount as the other kids in the family. Now that Dad is gone, the treatment has gotten worse (I’ve been purposefully left out of family dinners where my two siblings were invited, that involved the extended family). It is a very difficult and very upsetting situation, but luckily I have the support of my siblings who have decided to boycott any family get-togethers that I’m not invited to.

  • David September 3, 2015, 1:41 pm

    OP, I am so sorry that they treated you that way. I am totally impressed at how well you handled it.

  • Michelle September 3, 2015, 1:48 pm

    Bravo, OP. You did fantastic!

  • Devin September 3, 2015, 2:04 pm

    OP, stay on the high road. Some how your partner must have gotten all the niceness in the family, *Bless their hearts*.

  • JO September 3, 2015, 2:47 pm

    What admin said, exactly.

  • inNM September 3, 2015, 2:53 pm

    OP, you are amazing.
    I may be WAY off base but it sounds a lot like the family doesn’t approve of a lifestyle choice their family member made (I’m guessing, based on the use of the word “partner”) but instead of dealing with it directly with their loved one, they are taking it out on you, as if it is your fault that their loved one made the “wrong” choice. My own grandmother, who I loved dearly, was an expert at doing this to my uncle’s girlfriends after he separated from his wife: it was the girlfriends’ faults that he was out most of the day and night in bars getting drunk. He met all of them in bars., so obviously! These women would NEVER set foot in her house! Of course all these comments were made when my uncle was safely out of the house. When he was home, however, she would call him sweet names and do his laundry.
    Unfortunately, and like in the case of my grandmother, these people will never change their passive aggressive manners. It fits in with their deception and games: if you complain, they can always say they participated in the event/outing and did not complain to you or did not say anything nasty to you or about you, and you must be picking on them because YOU don’t like THEM! And then the seeds of division are planted, because if you don’t like your partner’s family, you must not like you partner on some level either.
    As for you, dear OP, you stay as gracious as you are.

    • DanaJ September 3, 2015, 4:22 pm

      I wouldn’t read too much into the word “partner”. “Partner” has become much more widely used, including by married couples and common-law spouses. It’s more likley that the family really, really liked the first spouse (the OP says she’s lovely). So they have their knickers in a twist that they “lost” the other family member and are behaving like the OP is a second-rate replacement.

      Like an angry child stamping his foot yelling “You’re not my real mom!” at his step-mother. They are being immature and unnecessarily punitive just because they can’t deal with change. Their loss. They are missing out on another opportunity to have a rewarding relationship with another wonderful in-law.

      • inNM September 4, 2015, 10:48 pm

        Perhaps I read it wrong indeed. If I did, it was with no ill will and I apologise.

    • ketchup September 4, 2015, 9:27 am

      That’s exactly what I was thinking.

  • Tex Carol September 3, 2015, 4:14 pm

    What kind of people are nice enough to send a thank you note, followed by a thank you gift, and yet be so rude?

    • Cat September 4, 2015, 3:02 pm

      I get the impression that they were not thanking him so much as they were sending his lady the message that, as far as they are concerned, she does not exist.

    • Cami September 9, 2015, 8:06 am

      The kind of people who use “etiquette” as a weapon.

      Spoken by someone whose MIL was a drill sergeant in the use of such “etiquette” weapons in the war against me. (Yes, I know she wanted to get rid of me. She eventually admitted that was her goal.)

  • Lady Anne September 3, 2015, 4:29 pm

    Although it doesn’t sound as if OP’s partner did much to back her up, it may just be that he knew anything he said “can and will be used against you”. I once mentioned to a (former) friend that I felt she was being rude by not speaking a single word to a certain member of my family during dinner, even when spoken to directly. The next time we were together, this friend deliberately turned her chair at the dinner table to she almost had her back to the family member. Had I not said anything, she’d have probably gone on not speaking to the family member, but the chair turning wouldn’t have happened.

    In any event, we excluded the “friend” from future gatherings, and this may be the approach OP and her partner will have to take. You won’t be missing a thing, believe me!

  • iwadasn September 3, 2015, 4:32 pm

    You reacted to all their slights with grace, but where was your husband in all of this? He should have firmly told his family members to clean up the messes they make and to stop treating his wife so poorly. If he didn’t speak up for you at all during this whole disaster, he needs to work on growing a polite spine.

  • Rebecca September 3, 2015, 5:00 pm

    “Of course we would never show up EMPTY-HANDED!!”

    “Oh, is that right? Maybe I’ll order a side dish of bean dip.”

    What a bunch of louts. Very weird that they were nice to you in their home, and rude to you in yours.

  • Angel September 3, 2015, 5:16 pm

    OP you sound like a really kind and gracious person. I am so sorry your partner’s family is so nasty. The best thing would be not to invite them again. Hopefully your partner agrees!

  • NostalgicGal September 3, 2015, 5:59 pm

    Bravo, OP, what you described that you did is what I call ‘living well’. You live life well and fully, and let the boorons and lower lifeforms show themselves for what they are.

    I would think your partner would have had your back more, but. Hopefully as you say, there will be little other contact of this nature in the future. May you continue to live well and have a good life with your partner and new blended family.

  • Marozia September 3, 2015, 6:40 pm

    OP, take heart that you did the right thing. I’m a little disappointed your partner didn’t step up. I’m sure he knew what was going on.
    You’ve learned your lesson. Never invite these ungrateful ingrates again.
    Keep up the good manners. Good breeding always shows, especially in your case.

  • PYE September 3, 2015, 7:44 pm

    OP, you handled yourself very graciously. However, I’m confused about your partner’s role in all of this. You state you were left to clean up the messy kitchen and it seems like you funded the expense of supplies for the guests and paid for the expensive lunch. What was his contribution to their visit?

    I’m glad you do not need to deal with this group again.

  • AS September 3, 2015, 11:18 pm

    OP- well handled.

    Making a statement about how nice the ex is reminded me of a story about my mother. My mother had married a man when she was young, because she was emotionally blackmailed into marrying him by her mother. When my mom grew a spine, she got off of the marriage, got a job in another town, and met my father. My grandparents eventually accepted my father (they aren’t bad people; they just had misplaced ideas of what’s good; and were also arrogant). Some of her other relatives (especially on her mother’s side) had a harder time accepting my father.
    When I was around 15 years old, I remember my parents getting a letter (this was pre-internet days) from an aunt of hers, addressing her with her ex-husband’s last name. They were married for about 17 years at that time, and hence, this aunt definitely knew about my father (I think she’s also met him, as I have met her on a couple of times). So, either she confused the names, or she was trying to make a statement.

    • Lynne September 5, 2015, 8:11 am

      Might have been a statement, might have slipped her mind for the moment as she addressed the letter. I have dear friends who have been married 10+ years, but I blurt out their maiden names more frequently than I should admit.

  • SleepIsabella September 3, 2015, 11:53 pm

    OP paints themselves as the complete innocent and perfect person. There’s two sides to every story, and I sort of wonder if what OP is saying is the complete truth. It could be, but I have a fairly narcissistic aunt that likes to be the center of attention and always plays the victim, painting herself as a saintly do gooder who often spins these sort of stories, intentionally omitting the parts where she was at fault.

    For all I know, the family really is singling OP out and being nasty towards them without reason. The OP could be saying the full truth. If that is the case, I applaud them for such class and being the better person. That takes a lot of strength.

  • MM 2 September 4, 2015, 6:16 am

    Well done OP! I wonder if the in-laws thought OP was fake during his/her own visit to the in-laws. That doesn’t justify their behavior at all though, just a thought.

  • DGS September 4, 2015, 8:32 am

    Stay gracious, and great job for not rising to the bait. You did absolutely the right thing. The relatives are completely in the wrong, and they should be ashamed of themselves for their boorish, classless, tacky behavior.

  • Mal September 4, 2015, 8:52 am

    How is this person any less of a doormat than the OP of the last entry, apart from the whole legal issue? Instead of swallowing every insult sent her way the OP should have approached her husband while her relations were there on their visit so he could have a serious talk with them. Saying nothing and writing a scathing piece on the issue afterwards has nothing to do with a polite spine, in my opinion.

    • Ange September 5, 2015, 1:49 am

      I think a temporary situation where the issues are resolved by the short passage of time is worth a lot more diplomacy than people freeloading and destroying a house you all live in.

    • JackieJormpJomp September 5, 2015, 7:57 am

      It’s pretty clear they goaded OP by sending a gift AFTER the thank you note failed to provoke. I’d say they’re *dying* for confrontation. Don’t give it to them.

  • Gabriele September 4, 2015, 9:30 am

    If the OP is still on good terms with the ex, she might find commiseration and entertainment is sharing the episode with the ex. The ex might have been ill-treated by the family but didn’t mention it so as not to prejudice you against them.
    She might have her own stories to tell which would show the relatives in a more critical light.
    It might also help you understand the dynamics of your partner’s family.

  • Lindsay September 4, 2015, 9:39 am

    I may be off base, but it sounds like your partner’s family may not agree with some lifestyle choices, and thereby may not see you as actually a Partner but a roommate? Nevertheless. They need to get over it. I don’t know if they are just tacky, just bigoted, or just awful, but I would have a talk with your seemingly wonderful partner about them not coming back- And maybe send a Christmas card with a great picture of you two and a caption of “From Our Family to Yours.”

    All of this said, you handled yourself with the utmost grace. I’m not usually proud of strangers, but dagnabit, you did great work! Not to mention that you prepped, cooked, and welcomed these folks into your home.

    Kudos. I’m not sure I could have maintained your grace in that situation.

  • Julia Houston September 4, 2015, 11:21 am

    You sound like a classy lady, so it is their loss. I know that’s a cliche, but it’s true. There aren’t enough really nice, thoughtful people in the world. They had a chance to have such a person in their lives and blew it. What fools.

  • Cathy September 4, 2015, 1:03 pm

    I think you handled it very well, but I think your partner needs to step up if you have to host these people again. That kind of behavior should not go unremarked.

  • AnaMaria September 4, 2015, 3:16 pm

    To everyone complaining that the partner didn’t stand up for the OP- she never mentions whether he tried to stand up for her or not. It is possible that he was working and she was off/retired so she did most of the entertaining while he was gone. At any rate, the guests were rude, passive agressive, and classless, but they don’t appear to be abusing or bullying the OP. If she chose to respond with class and grace, it is possible that she wanted him to take the same route and support her quietly, rather than getting defensive- the latter would just give the guests more ammo to hold against the OP.

  • Rebecca September 4, 2015, 6:33 pm

    My paternal grandmother was like your partner’s family towards my mother. My mom would smile and take it all the same. I only wish that lady lived long enough, she died when I was about 13. She didn’t get to live to see how much I despise her for it. I saw everything she did and caught every cutting remark.

    When my grandfather (bless his soul) was dying in a nursing home, a CNA asked her if my brother was related to her (my brother worked at the home in the kitchen). “That’s my daughter in law’s son”. Excuse me. He was about 18 and my dad legally adopted him when they got married when he was six. I didn’t even know he wasn’t my “full brother” until I found my mom crying about this situation. I’m six years younger than my brother, so you can see where that information could be swept away because my parents didn’t think it was my concern. My brother ALWAYS knew though, they wouldn’t keep that from him, it was his to know, not mine, etc.

    My dad mentioned just awhile back when I made a “LOL I think I’m adopted” “You’re not. You’re all mine! Your brother though, I chose him!” He was with my mom since she was pregnant and her ex didn’t want a think to do with the situation, Dad didn’t care, he loved my mom and therefore loved whatever she brought along with her. So yeah, his mom was a real piece of work.

    This could go along with having some sort of issue with you that you are unaware of. Maybe they loved his ex. Maybe they’re bitter that you’re not the “one they dreamed of” for him. Maybe you have a hair color that they aren’t fond of. These people are poison and I’m glad you aren’t going to waste time visiting them again. You’re classier and much lovelier than I ever could have been.

  • JackieJormpJomp September 5, 2015, 7:53 am

    1) they sent the gift because the note did not provoke you to their liking–no other conceivable reason. Good for not rising to it

    2)if you and the ex geton splendidly… might I suggest a bit of catharsis in talking to her (if she does not kiss up to them)…I’d bet anything she experienced the same when she was there…

    • AIP September 7, 2015, 4:31 pm

      Re No.2 – oh I’ll bet you’re right.

  • Mabel September 7, 2015, 8:44 pm

    Clearly these people preferred the ex and will never let you forget it. They’re rude and they’re not going to change. It’s on your partner to deal with the fallout–you just keep on doing what you’re doing, OP and don’t worry about them. You’re miles better behaved than they are. And you’re setting an excellent example for the children. 🙂