I am a single woman in the midst of wedding season, and although I enjoy weddings (who doesn’t enjoy seeing their friends happy and having an excuse to dance and eat cake?), I also dread them. I hate the bouquet toss and do my utmost to avoid it. I know other people love it, and I am happy to let them have their fun. I usually leave the room as soon as it is announced and go to the restroom or outside to wait it out.
Usually this strategy works, and it’s over with by the time I get back. Sometimes though, the bride insists on waiting until I get back. I then politely decline, but the bride (and other individuals) inevitably get pushy about me participating. They will not take no for an answer. I wish this only happened to me once, but it has happened on multiple occasions.
The worst occasion was at a college friend’s wedding. One of my friends (we’ll call her Melissa – not her real name) and I were the only single adult women there, and neither of us wanted to participate. I get that some people think it’s a cute tradition, but I don’t. I feel that it embarrasses single women for not being married by a certain age, and promotes the idea that a woman’s aspiration should be to get married, and she is somehow lesser if she is not. Melissa just didn’t want to be shamed for being single. It was literally going to be the two of us and a bunch of young girls.
We both politely refused several times and explained why we didn’t want to do it. We were seated at our table, and were surrounded by the bride, the photographer, and several of the bride’s relatives, who all took turns cajoling or guilt tripping us into doing the bouquet toss.
The wedding reception ground to a halt for 15 minutes while Melissa and I were harassed about joining the little girls for the bouquet toss. It was mortifying as everyone at the wedding reception stared at us. It only stopped when we (along with one of our already engaged friends) agreed to join the little girls for the bouquet toss.
We stood in the very back and the photographer took several photos before the bride finally tossed the bouquet (directly at Melissa and me). We stepped back and let one of the little girls pick it up.
This was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. I was pretty upset at the bride for putting Melissa and me in that situation, and not letting up after we explained why we didn’t want to participate.
I am attending 2 weddings this year. I am sure there will be bouquet tosses and think it’s great for those who want to participate. My question is, how do I avoid being pressured to participate? 0429-16
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I wholeheartedly agree that you shouldn’t be forced to do something you don’t want to do. I also agree that it is a silly tradition. There have been some very good suggestions in the comments as to how you can do your best to avoid it.
That being said; if you’re in the situation where the wedding comes to a standstill because you refuse, at that point, I also agree with some who have said to simply give in and stand way in the back. At that point, you aren’t doing yourself any favours by refusing. The discussion about how right or wrong it is can be had forever, but at that moment, you could be gracious and try to make it as painless as possible.
I remember when my brother got married. He converted to catholicism for his fiancée and they were to be married in a catholic church, complete with a service. I was maid of honour. Everyone knew I wasn’t catholic and as the service went on, I wondered what to do if the priest came to me, offering the host. I debated in my head with refusing and causing embarrassment, but I was concerned about taking it and seeming incorrect because I wasn’t catholic. I had decided that if the priest came to me, I would grin and bear it, rather than create an awkward pause in the ceremony. Fortunately, my brother had given the priest a heads up beforehand and he just deftly passed over me. Problem solved! And I realize there’s a different between holding up a religious ceremony and holding up a celebration. But that’s what I would do, keeping in mind that I’ve avoided many a bouquet toss in my day!
If anyone wants to know and your brother has not given the priest a head’s up, just cross your arms, placing each of your hands on the opposite shoulder. That is the sign you will not be receiving and the priest will pass you over or just give you a blessing.
Huh. In all the catholic services I’ve been to in my life, the priest just stands at the front of the aisle and people walk up to him.
In most Catholic weddings I’ve been to, the priest approaches each member of the wedding party with communion since they are already in front. Then he and the other Eucharistic ministers stand at the head of the aisle and all of the wedding guests file up the aisle to them.
Aaah… I did not know that. Good advice for someone else who might face that situation.
Also, I’m not sure what the actual doctrine is, but in case of a Catholic ceremony it might be better to refuse (I’m not sure if the crossing-hands-on-your-chest gesture would be understandable in my country, but slight shaking of head would). In Catholicism, a consecrated host is more than just a symbol – it is literally the Body of Christ and the faithful are supposed to be specially prepared to receive it by confession, absolution and prayer. Until quite recently, only a priest was allowed to handle it. I think plenty of people, especially older generation, would consider a non-Catholic receiving communion very wrong.
To be clear, I’m not trying to threaten you with eternal damnation, just warning that a very awkward situation might arise.
As for the technicalities of Communion, usually the priest comes to the wedding party and offers Comunion to each member individually (usually they have been to confession as part of preparation for the sacrament of marriage, so they would all receive), then he stands in the aisle for the other people to walk up to him if they want to.
In some of the rites (e.g. Ukrainian catholic), that is the posture to indicate that you WILL receive communion. However, that does work for Roman Catholic.
My DH and I were adamant that there would be no bouquet or garter toss at our wedding. Both of those events are insanely uncomfortable. “But it’s tradition” and “but everyone will expect it” were not valid reasons and did not get us to cave. I am so glad we didn’t have them, nobody missed them, and not one person complained that we didn’t do them.
I really can not stand the phrase “just suck it up” or anything hinting along those lines. You came here for advice on how to politely get out of it, not to garner even more pressure to go trough with it.
Any person, bride or not, that would guilt you until you cave, is behaving like a child (whom we teach not to peer pressure). If it happens again, after you have declined to participate, I would point out that they are holding up the wedding and making a scene by hounding you; because it is them making a scene, not you by declining. Maybe they will take the hint and move on. If not, I would do what Sarah said before me. Give them your best wishes and excuse yourself entirely. Leave.
Thank you. If I ever get married there will be none of this nonsense in which guests clink their silverware against their glasses for the bride and groom to kiss. I am not a trained seal.
I am so sorry this happened to you! My husband and I married last year, and this was one of the reasons we decided not to do a garter or bouquet toss. I echo that you shouldn’t have to participate if you don’t want to. Before last year, I was apathetic towards the bouquet toss – sometimes I participated and other times I sat out. But one of the times I wanted to sit out, I was literally pulled onto the dance floor with my sister-in-law. Both of us were unmarried and had been asked at least ten times when we were each going to get engaged – we were sick of answering the question and didn’t want to have our single status spotlighted during the bouquet toss.
Here’s the thing – it’s a fun tradition if everyone is a willing participant. But when it’s looked at as shining a spotlight on the handful of single women at a wedding or people are forced to participate, then it’s ridiculous. It’s a day to celebrate the happy couple, not to embarrass guests!
Thought experiment – what else could be thrown into a (mixed-gender) group of people that they’d actually want to catch, as a replacement tradition?
All I can envision is a bride and groom with a pair of T-shirt guns…
Now I want to get married just so I can kick off the new “T-Shirt Cannon” tradition!
Be careful, those bricks come out with some real force. I have gotten one in the chest at under 15′ distance and it was one nice bruise and knocked me off my feet by knocking the wind out of me. Maybe just TOSS the wrapped up tees.
That always reminds me of Maud Flanders from “The Simpsons”. She died getting hit by T-shirts from the cannon.
Ooh! Or little stuffed animals, especially if (as someone below mentioned ) the ‘eligible’ guests were kids/teens/ relatives. (Make it more of a ‘door-prize’, less of a consolation or predictive tool….?)
Aaaaah a bear in a bride/bridesmaid dress for the women, and a bear in a tux for the men?
Lolly Scramble!!
… Side thought; I suppose the women keep the bouquet, because (stereotype ahead:) ladies like flowers.
But the men, do they keep the garter? How does the new husband feel knowing one of his friends/relatives has his new wife’s garter…? Or does it get returned?
You have a right to say no. If the bride is going to make a show out of it, she is making herself look foolish by refusing to honor you as her guest- yes, it’s her day, but that doesn’t mean she gets to embarrass anyone else. You can decide if you want to plead exhaustion/a restroom break/an urgent phone call or just simply say no.
I recently saw a picture and caption floating around the Internet of a bride who pulled out a bouquet of roses and went around to each single gal at the reception, presenting her with a rose and pausing to pray a blessing over her. I thought that was beyond sweet and would love to do something similar at my own wedding someday.
I would be mortified if a bride did this–it is even worse than the bouquet toss.
She prayed a blessing over the single women? For what – that they wouldn’t be single for long? That’s insulting. I wouldn’t appreciate being singled out like that at all. Some of us are single by choice and, even if we aren’t, that smacks of pity and condescension. If the bride did that to me, I would probably stop her right in the middle of her “blessing” and tell her to save it for someone who wants it.
Know your audience. To me, this sounds really terrible. Like horrific. Its beyond something, but “sweet” is definitely not the direction I would consider this.
Give roses to all the women, or none, but please don’t single out and make an issue over a sub group based on their personal relationship status. To publicly call attention to, and make a big deal over someone’s marital status is bound to be really, really unpleasant for the vast majority of your guests.
I’ve heard about this to and all I have to say is, “Seriously?” I cannot think of anything more insulting or single-shaming that having a holier-than-thou bride bestowing her prayers and blessings upon each lowly single woman. I mean, lord knows if someone is unmarried they MUST be pining for the day when they can achieve the most holy and desired rank of “married woman”. Why not just focus on your own relationship, your own happiness and leave others be?
Wow, jumping to conclusions much?
It has been repeatedly stated on this site that the bride and groom should make an effort to circulate at the reception and greet their guests. If the bride subtly handed a single girlfriend a rose and the recipient took it as an insult, that’s the bride’s fault?
And if the only possible “blessing” you can imagine a woman praying for a friend or family member is that she would find a husband, then you have a pretty low view of women.
I don’t think Sarah was jumping to conclusions at all. Singling out a sub-group Is insulting. The bride is on display during the reception. Anything she does is going to be noticed, and seeking out the single women in the room is going to bring attention to them. This isn’t something that can be done discretely. And what other reason is there to pray a blessing on just the single women other than to hope their status changes? I don’t think we’re the ones with a low view of women.
“And what other reason is there to pray a blessing on just the single women other than to hope their status changes?”
The fact that you can’t think of a single other reason speaks volumes. Yes, you are the one with a low view of women.
A disabled single friend relayed to me, she is in her 50’s and needs a cane to keep balance, and was forced into the bouquet toss at a wedding last year. So she has to SIT there and of course it plunked into her. The catchee of the garter was like 9. She was in slacks so she solemnly offered her cane end as her ‘leg’ and the boy put the garter on there and looped it around a few times. Made the photo op actually priceless and she gave the boy the flowers to give to his mom. So overall a better outcome!
That’s actually sweet!
I have thankfully never been to a wedding where aby women were forced or pressured into participating in the bouquet toss. If they didn’t want to, no big deal. I have participated, but just think of it as a way to score pretty flowers!
I can’t imagine why any bride would be so insistent on a guest participating! Why does it matter?
And add me to the list of those squicked out by the garter toss. Just what I dont want to see. And at the last wedding I attended whete this occured, the bride’s pre-teen son was the one who caught the garter. He scrambled into front position to do so. It was so awkward for all. I don’t think he understood what he was doing.
Things like this are the reason we (my husband and I) skipped the bouquet and garter toss at our wedding. In the past we’ve both felt pressured to participate in them at other weddings, and we don’t see why anyone should feel pressured to participate in something like this. We also didn’t want flowers, and I don’t think anyone would have appreciated me chucking the lantern I carried instead…
And to make it clear here, if someone wants to have these events at their wedding, that’s just fine. I’m not saying everyone should do away with them. But if you’re trying to round up people to participate and someone says no, you RESPECT THAT.
The weirdest incident of pressure actually involved my now mother in law. I forget whose wedding we were at but the bouquet toss was about to happen and the single ladies at this wedding were actually pretty enthusiastic about going out there to catch it. Since I was there with my fiance and therefor not single, I stayed seated (would have stayed seated even if I was, I’ve always disliked this part of receptions). But then my now mother in law came along, and tried to scoot me out to catch the bouquet…I said “But I’m not single?” and she said “But you’re not married yet, maybe this will hurry the wedding along”. Because god forbid we take our time, save money so we don’t go broke, and actually plan the wedding we want right??
In the OP’s case, the more I think about it, the more I realize that her options were either to suck it up and participate or leave the wedding entirely. Because if these people were actually willing to grind the reception to a halt in order to get her out there, then participation or leaving the wedding entirely were the only options left. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I can’t think of a third option if these people were willing to stop the reception….
I don’t see why leaving the wedding is the only option. If you’ve got the guts, sit there until Bride and Co. realize that *they* are the ones holding up the reception, not the person who is sitting there minding her own business.
A reversal of priorities here, but not for the better! “Let your yes be yes, and your no, no…”. Your mistake was in explaining and then giving in. I know it’s hard to stand your ground, but the bride was the one out of line. If she wanted to do a bouquet toss and have adult women vying for the bouquet, she should have added some others to her guest list. Hosts don’t have the prerogative of forcing guests beyond their social comfort zone. A bride so taken up with who is on hand to catch her bouquet at the expense of her guests’ comfort and preferences has come to regard her guests as mere props and not as fellow human beings to whom she owes a duty of basic consideration and respect.
At this point in life (40, happily single, and really not looking to ever be married/partnered), when the bride/family comes around pushing the toss, I’d say, “Thank you, but no. I do not wish to participate. Forcing me to do so will ruin my happy memories of this event – nobody likes to be strongarmed into doing something they don’t want to do, so I would appreciate it if you would carry on without me.” *insert kind smile*
Emphasise that you are there to have a good time celebrating their union, and that having to participate in this activity (or, worse, argue with people who intend to push you into it) isn’t going to lend itself to that – and most decent people will back off.
It won’t always work – there is nothing that will ALWAYS work, because some people have all the empathetic range of dogpoo. But that’s my suggestion for disarming the pressure to participate. If the bride/groom want their wedding to be remembered fondly, then they shouldn’t push it.
(Some people will continue to push it – emotional range of dogpoo, remember? You’ll have to decide what action to take at that point – give in or stand firm.)
My, I’m now actually happy I didn’t have bouquet toss at our wedding! Because now thinking back, there probably would have been only very few adult single ladies and then kids. I didn’t even think that 😀 the actual reason I did not do it was that I made myself a button bouquet, which of course is mostly buttons and metal wire. I didn’t want to bludgeon anyone to death with that. And as few kids came to hopefully ask if I was going to toss it, I felt bit bad saying that I was not going to do that. But it surely made me feel now better, thinking that the adult single ladies were probably happier this way.
As a thirty-something single woman, I can completely understand the LW’s feelings. In fact, I have started to decline wedding invitations to avoid this and other things that typically happen at weddings that make me feel awkward.
I, like you, try to predict when it is happening and hide out. In most cases, when I am out of sight, I am out of mind. So, no one even suggests that I join. But I have seen them go as far as harassing people over the microphone. “Where’s Marge?!? I am being told Marge is single!!! Come on Marge! Join the single ladies!!!”
I don’t have a suggestion for you. As I have stated, my current tactic is avoidance; either not attending the wedding or slipping out of the room. If in the situation that you described, I would probably grab my coat and make my exit for the evening. That sure would make me embarrassed and I see no sense in me ruining the evening by staying.
I just wish that others who have apparently not been in our situation would gain some awareness. Not every single woman wants to be paraded around and asked to wrestle the others for a bouquet of flowers. Be a good host and ensure everyone’s comfort by allowing them to choice how they want to participate during the evening.
I know this person meant well, but the bride went around the reception and prayed over all the single women?? That would completely creep me out.
We did the bouquet toss when I got married, but I didn’t want to single people out so I asked everyone to come out for it. (Smallish wedding -about 55 people). Everyone came up with good grace, a little boy caught the bouquet, everyone cheered and carried on with the night. I know it’s supposed to mark the next person to marry, but I hate the thought of picking people out… plus, what if you’ve just split up with someone? Way to make you feel awful!
When people can’t be trusted with the truth, which you offered in your previous experiences, then it’s time to lie. If I were you, I would say once, “No, thank you, I truly would rather not participate in the bouquet toss for personal reasons.” If they persisted, I would motion someone closer to me and whisper in their ear, “I have had terrible diarrhea, and I really am not feeling well. Please get me out of this!” Let them assume that something brown might run down your leg.
In my country for some reason the bride tosses her veil, not her bouquet. It is rather stupid, because veils do not realy fly that far, even if you ball them up. I think it’s a newish tradition, as I don’t remember it from my childhood. Some brides have an extra veil for this purpose. The groom tosses his tie.
I caught the veil at my cousin’s wedding and then realised the situation is rather awkward, as the few single men were my cousins or cousin’s boyfriends. eventually a cousin’s boyfriend caught the tie. The DJ made us dance on a chair and then had the guests sing the little ditty sung to make bride and groom kiss. So yes, we had to kiss. As the spotlight was on us all this time, I saw no option to refuse gracefully.
I was so disgusted by this experience that I have refused to participate ever since. I just make sure to be on the other end of the room and decline if some relatives try to cajole me.
In my country for some reason the bride tosses her veil, not her bouquet (rather stupid, veils do not fly far, even balled up). I think it’s a newish tradition, because I don’t remember seeing it as a child, or reading or hearing about it. The groom tosses his tie.
At my cousin’s wedding I caught the veil. And another cousin’s boyfriend caught the tie. I have never seen that guy in my life before. The DJ made us dance on a chair and then had everyone sing a ditty sung to make the bride and groom kiss. So we had to kiss. Maybe I should have refused, but in the full spotlight I was afraid to make a scene.
I was so disgusted by this experience that I refused to participate in the veil toss ever since, even though that DJ was rather extreme – ususally it’s just one harmless dance (on the floor).
I must share my favorite garter toss story.
This involved very non-traditional people having a very non-traditional wedding. When the MC announced there would be a garter toss, a silent “What the …?” went through the crowd. This was the last thing any of us would expect at this wedding.
And then the newlyweds stood up, each armed with a bag of handmade garters, which they proceeded to throw at the seated guests! We all had great fun catching and playing with them. One strapping young 20-something lad caught two and put them on his arms. Somewhere on the Internet there is a picture of me wearing a garter on my head like a crown and doing the Miss America wave.
Re the “to receive or not to receive Communion” question at Catholic weddings: It is true that those who wish to receive line up, and those who don’t stay in their seats. But that isn’t an option for the wedding party, who are already at the altar. I second the “cross arms to decline Communion and receive a blessing instead” option for non-Catholic attendants.
I like the idea of giving a flower to all the women and girls in lieu of a bouquet toss, but not (no pun intended) singling out the unmarried ones. If (general) you are going to distribute your flowers in this way to your female guests, they should all get one, regardless of marital status.
I also like the idea of a bouquet toss for all who will — men, women, marrieds, singles, kids. The “prize” for catching it can be good luck, rather than being the next to wed.
I attended my cousins wedding almost 20 years ago, and to put it very bluntly, it was a sh@t show.
My uncle hit on me, very aggressively, and his ex wife, my aunt, was horrified.
So was my new fiancee, I had to beg him to please “let it go”, as I had been there before with this uncle.
My uncle, three sheets to the wind, came up to me and tried to strong arm me into doing the bouquet toss, since I was single, learing that he hoped HE caught the garter so he could “see what was under my dress”!!!
Hearing this, my fiancee and my father pulled my uncle aside and in no uncertain terms told him I would NOT be catching the bouquet, and the ONLY thingy uncle would be “seeing” was two fists heading for his face….One from my dad and the other from my future husband!!!
….”leering” that should be…..Oops.
Fortunately of all the weddings I’ve attended only 2 did a bouquet toss :D. I’ve never have to urge to want to catch the bouquet, so when I was called to join the catchers group, I stood way at the back of it and when it was thrown, I ‘accidently’ was too distracted by something to catch. One of the bride had noticed me to doing it and she only laughed about it and told me thnx for being a good sport to join the group and solve the matter myself, she was pleased that I made no big deal of it or making others uncomfortable ;). After all it was her day and I did what I can do to please her.
It was totally out of line for the Bride and other guests to disrespect your boundaries like that. One ‘no’ should have sufficed. If it happens again, I think you are entirely within your rights to say, “[Bride], I said no. I don’t feel comfortable participating, and if you ask me again, I will leave.” Then follow through. I would also consider cutting social ties with anyone who disregards your personal boundaries.
If there is a time to go smoke a cigarette, this is it. Smoke the whole pack!
My wedding is coming up, and I have been opposed to the bouquet/garter toss from the beginning (most adamantly the garter toss–creeps me out). All my single female friends and relatives have thanked me or expressed relief when I mention the lack of bouquet toss. I’ve noticed that it’s only the married women who express the “Oh, but it’s so fun!” reason for doing it. I agree that it was fun when we were in our teens and early 20s when we were still (in my area) considered too young to be getting married, but now that these friends and relatives are “still” single in their late 20s/early 30s, it’s not quite as fun anymore for them. And actually, the last wedding I went to where I remember it being done was over 5 years ago. The weddings I’ve been to since then have not had it (and I didn’t even realize it until now, so obviously it’s not really something that’s missed).
My wedding DJ actually had an alternative suggestion if you still wanted the bouquet toss where you ask all the ladies, married or single, to join in to catch the bouquet. That actually sounded fun.
I am astonished by the number of people suggesting that the OP just gets over herself and goes along with this “tradition”.
It’s something that is not a legal or religious component to the marriage. If the OP was a vegetarian would we be telling her to eat meat so as not to insult the happy couple to whom a meal without meat is not a meal? The couple will be married whether OP participates in the toss or not. It’s something that makes her uncomfortable, she should not be pressured or forced into doing it, period.
I think you should:
Talk to the brides beforehand.
Disappear before the toss.
Do not explain *why* you are not participating ; simply do not participate. It’s nobody’s business why, and if you give them your reasons, they will simply override you.
If you have to leave the room or the wedding over thus, so be it.
My version of “no” is a full sentence. There is a lot of stupid stuff I won’t do, and I’ve found it saves a lot of time and embarrassment if I just make that very clear from the beginning. I give no explanations, as that only invites argument, but I might add a ‘thank you’ or smile politely after the very firm ‘No’. It is also important to look them straight in the eyes, so they can see you mean it. People are not used to being told firmly no, so they will usually be shocked enough to leave you be.
I always hated the bouquet toss and resolved not to have it at my own wedding – instead of a toss bouquet, I had a presentation bouquet made and I presented it to my grandmother with a little speech about how important she was to me and about her long happy marriage to my grandfather. I had no interest in humiliating my single friends on one of the happiest days of my life – to me, using that opportunity to celebrate one of the most important people in my life was a much better use of that bouquet.