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Anything Worth Having Is Worth Working Hard To Get It

Hello Ms. Jeanne,
Today’s gimme pig story got me thinking about something that popped up on my Facebook feed last week. My husband and I know a couple who has been struggling to conceive a child for several years. They decided about 3 years ago that they would most likely adopt. I guess they decided the time is right, because just last week the wife of the couple posted on Facebook about how they’re ready to adopt with a link to a donation page to help them raise the $28,000 it will cost them to adopt a baby.

What are your thoughts on this?

Personally, it rubs me the wrong way, because not only have they had several years to save up this money, but they also are asking us to pay for their choice to have a child. Expectant mothers who are having a rough financial time don’t go around asking friends and family to pay their delivery bills for their birth. Additionally, she has posted the same link several times since then. Not many people have donated, and they have collected only a few hundred dollars. Seems like other people agree with me.

Of course, it would be terribly rude to say anything, but I sure do hope that they get the hint when they realize that they don’t have anywhere near enough donations to proceed without saving money themselves. 1014-16

It’s a crying shame that adoption costs so much money.  Children desperately in need of a family should not have such a high price tag.   That said, kids are expensive regardless of how they arrive in the family.   My last c-section was 28 years ago and cost $8,000 and I’m sure it’s even more expensive now.   While insurance did cover a lot of the expense, there was still a sizeable co-pay required from us.   We did not go fundraising among friends and family to pay the delivery bills.

Anything worth having is worth working hard to get.   Often gratification is delayed because the necessary means are not available to achieve what we want so time is invested to work towards that goal.  The desired thing is all the more precious and sweeter when it comes about as the result of sacrifice and hard work.


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • lkb November 15, 2016, 6:43 am

    I agree with the general thrust of the post and the admin’s response. Anything worth having is worth working toward and it is not up to others to fund our dreams.

    I admit, though, I’m a bit bugged about the use of the term “Any THING” for a child. A human being is not a thing to be bought and sold.

    To quote Dr. Seuss: “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”

    Just sayin’

    • Cass November 15, 2016, 12:49 pm

      When you apply the sentiment to the larger category of objects, however – you could want a specific car, a house, a child, a dog, a rare fish, a fancy meal at a fine restaurant, any number of things that are not a run-of-the-mill expense – then it is correct, grammatically, to refer to that category of objects as things, rather than as people. People are included in “things”; cars are not included in “people”.

      • Danielle November 15, 2016, 9:36 pm

        I get what you are saying, but they aren’t really paying for the CHILD, they are paying for the legal expenses. That’s not the same thing.

        • Amanda H. November 17, 2016, 11:33 pm

          Well, in that case, legal expenses would certainly count as things rather than people.

    • Rebecca November 15, 2016, 10:35 pm

      That’s reading a bit too much into those words, IMO. If someone asked me “If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?” my response might be “comfort, happiness, love, joy” etc. Or “an opportunity to talk to my father (who passed away) one more time.” Those aren’t things either. “Anything” in this context is an all-encompassing term.

  • Dominic November 15, 2016, 7:46 am

    I can understand contributing money for unexpected events, such as the loss of a spouse that leaves a family in the lurch or a house fire that leaves someone destitute. Before Facebook, and even since then, family, churches, co-workers, and people in communities would raise money through donations, charity events, and the like. Usually such fundraising was spearheaded by someone other than the person it was to benefit.

    So is it easier now for individuals to blatantly beg others to pay their bills just because it’s social media, and not face to face, or within a community of people who actually meet each other, or might? I can’t imagine that the parents-who-want-to-be would have stood up in church, or had a gathering of family and friends, announced that they wanted donations toward the adoption costs, and then passed around the hat.

    • Michelle C Young November 15, 2016, 4:45 pm

      If they DID, I’m sure the donors would have followed up some years later with the argument that “It Takes a Village” to raise the child, and they can butt in and tell you how to raise that child that they helped to pay for.

      Inviting them to donate, now, is inviting them to be all up in your business, later.

  • o_gal November 15, 2016, 7:50 am

    The OP is critical of the fundraising effort because ‘they had several years to save up this money’. However, did they go through multiple rounds of fertility treatment, including IVF, which can cost $10,000 or more per chance and might not have been covered by their insurance? Did they expect to be on a waiting list for X number of months, which would allow them to save up the money, but all of a sudden a woman has picked them and they are scrambling? You can choose to not donate, but please do not get critical of them unless you know every single fact about this adoption and what they have been through.

    • DancerDiva November 15, 2016, 11:35 pm

      I get what you’re saying, but having a child is not a right and asking others to donate money to finance adoption, IVF, etc. is a bit much. Of course, anyone can ask for money and it’s up to others to choose whether to donate, but it seems that people now people that the world should finance their wants. It smacks of entitlement and I understand the fatigue since social media has made it quite prevalent.

  • BMS November 15, 2016, 8:14 am

    We have two adopted kids. As I like to say, the kids were free, but the shipping and handling was about $20K each. We budgeted and saved for kid #1, and although it pretty much tapped out a large chunk of said savings, we did it. Then 6 months later, we found out that our son’s birthmother was unexpectedly pregnant again, and wanted the kids to be placed together. We felt it was really important for the kids to be together, but now we had to come up with all that money all over again, quickly. We did borrow (and repay) some money from my husband’s parents. We also qualified for an adoption tax credit, which helped. But the rest we went into debt for. Yeah, it took a while to get them paid off, but there is no way on earth I would have asked anyone other than my immediate family for money, and if my inlaws hadn’t offered it, we wouldn’t have asked.

    Lots of people lament the cost of adoption. But so many people were involved in getting our family together – lawyers, social workers, foster parents, notaries, translators – and they all deserve compensation for their hard work. Kids don’t just magically appear in your house when you sign the papers!

    • Becca November 15, 2016, 1:30 pm

      Thank you for putting it into these words, it’s much more palatable when you spell out the costs like that.

      I never think of it as buying a child and get kind of heated under the collar when it’s made to seem like that’s what it is, this is a lot better description of the costs associated with the procedure.

      Anyone who thinks adoption is expensive should look into surrogacy costs. A close friend just carried a child for a couple who couldn’t have kids, so I think 28,000 to adopt is beyond reasonable lol.

    • lakey November 15, 2016, 1:44 pm

      I like your attitude about this. Hey, people pay twenty thousand dollars for a car. Taking on some debt for a baby is certainly worth more to you than a car. A bit in the future you will have paid off the debt and you’ll be enjoying all of the moments with the children. First words, first walk, playing with toys, enjoying the box more than the toy, faces covered with spaghetti sauce, all of that. Congrats.

    • Michelle C Young November 15, 2016, 4:47 pm

      ” the kids were free, but the shipping and handling was about $20K each. ”

      I LOVE that!

  • stacey November 15, 2016, 8:15 am

    I can’t imagine that they believe that enough resources will be forthcoming to pay the full amount. (But who knows?) I wonder if these requests haven’t arisen in part because people imagine themselves as the heroes of their own narratives? Reality television and viral posts on social media, along with “feel-good” human interest stories have blurred the boundaries between public and private happenings to such a degree that the very exceptionalism of such stories is lost. In other words, people think “why not me?” when considering whether to put their own story out to the larger world. A form of self-marketing, I suppose.

  • Lisa November 15, 2016, 8:26 am

    I went through fertility treatments to conceive my DD so I do sympathize with the adopting family. I can see how the costs may have added up – assuming they tried treatments – and are now seriously in a bind.

    But I still don’t see it being others’ responsibility to pay for.

    And totally agree that the costs of adoption are ridiculous. We looked into it. So many needy kids and yet it’s so ridiculously expensive for people who would be decent parents to adopt them.

  • ALM November 15, 2016, 8:41 am

    I am a grown adult with a job, but I don’t have any sort of spouse/partner and am rapidly approaching menopause. I will never be able to have children, because despite working hard, getting a degree and spending most of my adulthood employed, I have a single income in a double income economy and my job requires long, irregular hours, evenings and weekends. I can either afford a home large enough for myself and a child (though it would be tight) or I can afford daycare and live in a closet.

    If I had friends tone deaf enough to have the nerve to expect me to finance their dream family when I can’t even begin to have one myself, they would quickly find they have neither my money, nor my friendship.

    • K2 November 15, 2016, 1:21 pm

      Hear, hear!

      I second your opinion, because I am in the same boat. I am single, no partner in sight, and no chance of having children in my future. I had once looked into adoption and not only was it not anywhere in my financial cards, I also got the stink-eye for being a young, single woman who even dared to think about adopting. I would find it quite rude and tasteless if friends of mine expected me to contribute to financing their adoption when it wasn’t a possibility for myself, either.

    • Devin November 15, 2016, 5:31 pm

      You should start a funding page to pay for having your eggs frozen!! (Tounge in cheek)

      Though these kinds of stories can pull at your heart strings, it still is their choice to adopt. Everyone has issues, maybe financial maybe medical, that no one should judge, but thats no reason to put out public or semi-public requests for money. My personal litmus test for these kinds of things is: would they ask me to my face for money?

  • CW November 15, 2016, 8:52 am

    These types of fundraisers rub me the wrong way. It is incredibly selfish to ask friends and family to fund your life choice. If you want to adopt, that’s fantastic. But don’t ask me to pay for it. I may decide to buy gifts (like I would for a shower or birthday) but not fund the actual adoption of the child. Similar to how I would not fund someone’s hospital bills for a delivery.

    People need to stop abusing the fundraiser option. I think fundraising is useful for emergencies or when started by a third party. But not when it’s something you’ve CHOSEN to do. I have a casual friend who posted a fundraiser to legally change his name. Excuse me?! No. Not giving you a cent for that. I paid for my own name change. You can pay for yours.

  • Liz November 15, 2016, 8:57 am

    This, like many fundraising efforts, rubs me the wrong way. While I don’t have kids, nor have ever wanted to, I can understand those who do, but can’t. But again, its a choice, whether you do fertility treatments, or adopt, and quite honestly, I don’t think its anyone but the parents to be’s responsibility to pay for whatever is needed for them to become parents.

  • Lex November 15, 2016, 9:59 am

    As someone who is struggling to conceive (and has had multiple miscarriages) I am torn on this. On the one hand, the EXPECTATION that others will help you finance your family is galling (and I certainly wouldn’t do it), I KNOW that the criteria to qualify for IVF and the number of sessions you can get before you have to fund it all yourself (I live in the UK, so NHS regs are different) is exacting and IVF can be financially draining.

    It IS wrong that having a child comes with such a high price tag – however you do it, but I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for help, per se. I think if you can bring yourself to ask friends and family for help, and they CHOOSE to help you without cajoling or nagging, then you are fortunate indeed. If you don’t wish to get involved in these appeals, you can choose to ignore them. Unless a general appeal is directed SPECIFICALLY at you, I don’t think we should be condemning people for putting their hands out – I’d rather help someone I care about than to donate money to a stranger who might spend it on drugs. I think you should assess the appeals and ignore them if you want to. I know I do.

    • mark November 16, 2016, 9:40 am

      It does seem like a lot of money, and if it represents the reasonable expenses of the prices it wouldn’t bother me. Of course what is reasonable is a subjective thing.

  • AS November 15, 2016, 10:00 am

    I agree that it is a shame that adoption costs so much money. Add to it, the agencies (CPA and all) require quite a decent annual salary, which was a hard thing for those of us who had one of the partners get laid off after the recession and sequestration.

    Anyway, I do think that adopting or having a baby is a personal thing, and should not be a fund-raising event. The admin’s last sentence is on the mark.

    I don’t know how, and if, baby showers work for adoption. Where I come from, there is a custom of inviting close friends and families to introduce the baby to close friends and families when the parents, especially the mother feels up to it (and no gifts are expected). It might be a great idea to do something like that for adoption too. If we adopt, we are surely doing that! 🙂

    • Novocastrian November 16, 2016, 7:50 pm

      “Add to it, the agencies (CPA and all) require quite a decent annual salary”, thank goodness they DO get paid well though – it’s not without merit (there would be a lot of sleepless nights and harrowing days I’d imagine), and they would need to be paid enough to avoid the perception of being open to bribery/pursuasion from people wanting to circumvent the proper legal channels for adoption!!

  • Pat November 15, 2016, 10:25 am

    I think the “gimmee pig” title is a little too harsh here. I don’t know this couple’s situation, but $28,000 is a lot of money and the infertility struggle is extremely expensive and painful. If you don’t want to donate then don’t. But you have no idea what they’ve been through so maybe at least we should give them the benefit of the doubt.

    • ALM November 16, 2016, 8:56 am

      Honestly, I think the Gimme Pig title is right on the money (no pun intended).

      IVF treatment isn’t a purchase. It’s a gamble. You throw a lot of money on the table and maybe you get a baby at the end and maybe you don’t. Adoption is often a gamble as well. You do everything right, and it still could all fall apart at the end, or you get a child with issues you can’t handle, or you find out a legal loophole renders it all moot. You aren’t buying a child. You’re buying a chance at a child.

      And honestly, having a baby the natural way is a gamble too, with no guarantees.

      A potential set of parents has a finite set of resources, and they have to decide what basket to put them in, just like everyone else. As unfair as life is, we don’t all get the same chance of success in anything, and money often dictates how many opportunities we get. If it didn’t work out, that’s too bad, but it is an expected potential outcome. To expect friends and family to support your reproductive gambling because your own funds ran out is breathtakingly rude. Would you ask them to buy lottery tickets in case you win? Would you ask them to give you money to invest in a hot stock tip? Or ask for money to buy a race horse? Do you ask, assuming they don’t have their own gambles and investments they may or may not be paying for when you ask for their money?

      Finance your own dreams or be called a gimme pig. That’s a hallmark of being a grown up.

  • ErinAnn November 15, 2016, 10:41 am

    Adopting from foster care doesn’t come with a big price tag.

    • Becca November 15, 2016, 1:37 pm

      To be fair, foster care is a whole different thing to become involved in. It takes a much different heart than one who is adopting an infant in many circumstances.

      Foster care comes with a different kind of emotional set of baggage for both parents and child. It’s also difficult to strip someone of their parental rights, so there are times when you foster children and you want so much to adopt the children but simply cannot do it because of the legalities involved.

      So yes, I guess you could say it’s less of a price tag as far as money is involved but it’s an emotional price tag to handle on the flip side.

      I say this as someone who is working towards being a foster parent in the future when I’m more firmly rooted, too mobile and young right now for it.

      • Lerah99 November 16, 2016, 11:33 am


        You can specify with foster care that you are ONLY looking to adopt.
        Then they will only introduce you to children who have already had their parental rights severed with the goal of you meeting a child to adopt. No fostering involved.

        Kids who are adopted from the state come with a monthly stipend. And in most states there is also a pre-paid, in state, college fund.

        You still have to take the parenting classes; go through the home inspections; go through the car inspections; have your friends, coworkers, and neighbors interviewed, etc… just like you would as a foster parent. There will be a social worker involved with the placement of the child you adopt, etc…

        But it’s tens of thousands of dollars cheaper than going through a private adoption agency.

        On the other hand, you may have to wait many, many years if you are only willing to take a white baby so no one will realize the kid is adopted.

    • Michelle C Young November 15, 2016, 4:59 pm

      True. And those kids NEED loving homes, just as much as the cute little, fresh-from-the-womb babies that cost an arm and a leg.

      But many adoptive parents don’t want that. Too many want a child they can claim as absolutely their own, lie to from the get-go, and never even tell them they were adopted (or at least not until they are forced to admit it due to a medical condition with genetic issues). They want a baby they can raise from scratch, without any “baggage” to deal with. They don’t want “damaged goods.”

      I remember, once, a woman telling me that she would absolutely NEVER adopt from foster care, because, she claimed, ALL those kids are the children of drug addicts, and mostly addicted, themselves.

      “Really? All of them? Not a single orphan among them? Truly? Wooooow.” I didn’t even touch on the possibility of them being taken away from abusive or dangerous situations, or the ones who had simply been abandoned.

      Kids get into foster care for all sorts of reasons, and unless the reason is because the child is personally possessed by the devil, I don’t think it’s fair to blame the kids for it. Children are not “good,” let alone “damaged goods.” They may have baggage, but they’ll also have a lot of gratitude, if you give them a chance.

      The thing is, the same stigma that existed during “Anne of Green Gables” time (where they said that all orphans were “trash,” as if losing one’s parents turned one from a valued member of the community into refuse) is still in existence today, in the hearts and minds of a lot of adoptive parents. And they are willing to pay top dollar to get a shiny-new, certified trouble-free baby from an approved source.

      I salute all parents who go the foster-care route.

      • JD November 16, 2016, 10:56 am

        I admire foster parents very, very much as well, but you seem a little harsh on adoptive parents. Maybe I’m reading your comment wrong, but it sounds that way to me. I know several adoptive parents and adopted children. Some of the children had health problems or were mentally challenged when adopted. Some were from incredibly poor areas where they stood little chance of survival. Some were from addicted mothers. Some were perfectly healthy children whose mother’s just weren’t prepared to raise children, but those adoptive parents didn’t get “perfectly healthy, no worries” guaranteed in writing when they adopted the babies, just as parents who give birth have no guarantees. Besides this one woman who told you foster kids are all druggies or kids of druggies, how many potential parents do you actually know who feel that way?
        We love our adopted brother-in-law and adopted nephew in our families. They both came from bad backgrounds, in fact the brother-in-law was given away to a stranger by his birth grandmother who was tired of the crying, dirty kid. He sure wasn’t shiny and certified trouble-free. Luckily, that stranger and his wife turned out to be good parents!

      • BMS November 16, 2016, 11:15 am

        My husband and I adopted internationally, as opposed to from Foster Care, because we were being honest and realistic about our own parenting abilities. We were first time parents, and my husband hadn’t spent a ton of time around small children (although he doted on his nieces and such). We didn’t feel qualified to take on an older kid with known issues. Our kids were 5 months and 6 months when they came home. We’ve had to deal with ADHD, stomach issues, and various other unexpected things. I don’t feel like we got (or asked for) a shiny-new trouble free baby. But I do know that parents should be honest with themselves. If you already have 4 small children and are struggling, probably shouldn’t be taking fertility drugs to have more right away. If you don’t have the time and money to spend on the intensive therapy that an older kid from foster care probably needs and deserves, then be honest about it. Now that I am more experienced about this parenting thing, I would totally consider adopting an older kid from foster care. But again, now I’ve got 2 teenagers, one of whom has a lot of challenges, and my job has gotten really crazy with long hours. Bringing another kid with challenges into the mix wouldn’t be fair to anyone. But maybe when these two go off to college…

  • CJ Carville November 15, 2016, 10:45 am

    Your preference for couples who conceived naturally, without any need for expensive medical intervention, is shocking.  Even for planned pregnancies, there are thousands of couples who had plenty of time to save up money but didn’t or couldn’t for whatever reason.  (If you’re wondering how that’s possible, look up the rate of inflation versus stagnating wages.)

    You’re naive if you think this couple is being rude by asking you to “pay” for their child.  We pay for other people’s choices all the time usually in the form of taxes or health/car/home insurance premiums.  You don’t know about it because you don’t get an itemized bill for a child’s year in public school or a family’s home that was destroyed by a hurrricane.  Plus if you’ve ever drawn on any government or insurance benefit, you are also “guilty” of having someone else pay for whatever choice you made.  I’m not criticizing that system but pointing out the status quo.

    I’m certainly not suggesting you donate to this couple’s adoption efforts or anyone else’s.  I’m saying that it’s easy to write them off, if you don’t consider the extenuating circumstances.  I feel bad for them for a variety of reasons, but their plight really isn’t all that different from any other parent, regardless of how that child came into the world.  This couple’s personal details happen to be more obvious in this case because of their circumstances. 

    • Stephbwfern November 17, 2016, 5:52 am

      Thank you! Yes!
      While I agree that children are expensive and parents should know they can pay for them before having them, most children DO NOT require a 20-30 thousand dollar initial outlay to be obtained. Most children are the results of nothing more than “feeling frisky tonight, honey?” – considerably less effort, time, money and emotional anguish.
      I think the way OP and most commenters are talking about this couple is heartless.
      Donate to their cause, don’t donate to their cause – they’re just harmlessly asking for a little help from anyone in their circle that wish to help them. This is far from a terrible breech of etiquette.

      • CW November 17, 2016, 8:16 am

        In that case, would it be appropriate to ask my friends and family to pay my two $2500 deductibles for all of my OB visits and then the $3500 hospital bill for delivery? That’s still a lot of money, regardless of how it’s spread out.

        • Stephbwfern November 18, 2016, 4:27 am

          You can if you wish, just as this couple did.
          I, personally, think the situation (assuming you naturally conceived and didn’t sell your home and everything you own for years of fertility treatment and heartache to get to the point of actually having the child) is quite different.

          • CW November 18, 2016, 9:50 am

            It’s not that different though. It’s a life choice. I could have chosen to prevent pregnancy and not spend thousands of dollars in medical bills. They are chosing to try and adopt and spend thousands of dollars in adoption fees. And while in my circumstance, the amount was less than their fees, in other cases it could be the same amount, or more.

  • Lemon Zinger November 15, 2016, 10:45 am

    Jeanne, I love your response to this. It’s kind and compassionate, but straightforward. If you are planning on having a child, you must save for it. Adoption/fertility treatments are EXPENSIVE and you’ve got to do your due diligence and research whether those options are financially feasible for the family. It’s the same with taking vacations, buying a new car, etc. Would you ask your Facebook friends to fund your trip to Hawaii? Maybe some people, but they’re in the wrong.

  • JD November 15, 2016, 11:20 am

    I agree that it’s often far too expensive to adopt a child who needs a loving home. That said, I agree with OP and Admin — start saving when you know you are thinking of adoption as an option. People have got to get over this idea that everyone else owes them their hearts’ desires.

  • livvy17 November 15, 2016, 11:22 am

    Ugh. I almost submitted a similar story. A old friend / ex co-worker of mine who is always posting things about how lazy and entitled some less fortunate people are, just put up a fundraising party request to help pay for the expenses to have a foreign child come stay with them for about 3 months. 3 Months! This is a person who has always been so staunch about saying how she deserves everything she has, how hard she works for it, and how nobody gave her a helping hand, so why should she have to pay for welfare for others, etc. She and her husband have a lovely house, two upper level jobs, expensive cars, etc. Now this hypocrisy. Makes me so mad.

    • Yasuragi November 15, 2016, 6:14 pm

      They’re hosting a home stay student? Doesn’t the organization (or the student themselves) pay for room and board?

      • JD November 16, 2016, 10:46 am

        My sister hosted a foreign exchange student, as did an aunt and uncle of mine. They were financially assisted to host the children.

        • livvy17 November 17, 2016, 11:34 am

          I’m not sure what program they’re using, but they’re saying this person is a teenaged orphan from Eastern Europe, and that their hosting deal includes them paying for the airfare, visas, etc. I think it’s different than your more typical student-abroad programs. Still, given her previous (and I’m sure current) positions, I’d find it galling to be asked to contribute anything to her lifestyle.

          • Dee November 18, 2016, 12:34 am

            There are programs to assist kids affected by Chernobyl; the hosts have to pay for all costs associated with the child. The child needs to spend as much time as possible in a healthy environment to try to recover before heading back to their contaminated home, thus it’s important for them to spend the entire summer holidays with the host. The children don’t speak any English and the hosts are expected to include them in all activities, regardless of cost, with the host family. The child’s family is usually so very poor that the fundraisers are also meant to try to send basics back with the child when he/she goes home.

            These are worthy causes but don’t get many hosts because of the high expense, hence the need for the fundraising. It’s a commitment in terms of thousands of dollars as well as a full-time job for the time the child stays with the host, along with the correspondence before and after the stay and the prescreening and so on. It’s quite the sacrifice.

  • Ashley November 15, 2016, 11:38 am

    I will never get over people begging for money to adopt.

    I’m sorry, I just can’t deal with that.

    Yes, it’s wonderful that you want to give a child a home. But in the case of the couple in OP’s story, they had 3 years to try and save money, and if they can’t even be bothered to do that, how are they possibly going to be prepared for any other large expenses that come with raising a child?

  • Daisy November 15, 2016, 11:47 am

    To me, asking friends or strangers for money for any purpose short of preventing starvation or saving life is simply not acceptable. Begging should be the last resort, not the first.

    Our beautiful grandson (now almost a grown man) was adopted thorough the Dave Thomas Foundation, a wonderful organization that matches foster children with adopting families. Their fees are very low (in Ontario, there are no fees for domestic adoptions) and there are so many children in need that it baffles me why anyone would prefer a high cost international adoption.

    • Calli Arcale November 15, 2016, 12:54 pm

      In a lot of cases, I think the prospective parents have been led to believe that they have to pay that much to make sure the adoption is successful/legal/ethical/etc. Adoption itself is a fantastic thing that more people should do — but it’s almost completely unregulated in the US, and that has, predictably, led to abuse. Other than word-of-mouth and doing a lot of research, there’s almost no way to tell if the agency you’re going through is being honest about the costs and other things, or whether they’re inflating everything to line their own pocketbooks. It’s a serious problem.

  • K November 15, 2016, 11:54 am

    Agree with the Admin.
    The only other option would be to see if either of them have checked with their employer for assistance. My employer has an adoption benefit and gives a certain amount of money to assist with the adoption process. It is not widely advertised at my company. They should at least contact their HR departments to see if something exists for them.

  • Wendy B November 15, 2016, 11:59 am

    I fail to see the problem.

    A couple in our church adopted a child from a former Soviet-bloc country. It was super expensive, more than the $28,000 posted here. They scrimped and saved and also had fundraisers…dinners, etc. There was work involved in these fundraisers, they didn’t just hold out their hands.

    But some people don’t like going to dinners, etc. They just want to help. So it makes sense to make an option available to simply donate.

    Yes, they did have time to start saving that money…but based on OPs post it sounds like they spent some time researching and found out that there was more of a cost than they expected. Maybe instead of OP being miffed they could take a moment and consider how many children there are in this world desperate for a family and decide if that’s really something worth taking offence over…or maybe it’s worth $10 or offering to help organize a fundraiser. I’m willing to bet if the family was contacted, it would be discovered that they ARE working on this.

    • Calli Arcale November 15, 2016, 12:58 pm

      One thing that happens with unethical adoption agencies is that the costs will mysteriously and unpredictably increase as time goes on, while they continue to dangle the promise of an adoption to keep you going. This is particularly a problem with international adoptions, where agencies can plausibly invent new costs as time goes on, and where even more honest agencies can run into issues with corruption in the child’s country of birth abruptly inflating costs. I’m not saying they all do that, I’m saying some do, and there’s virtually no protection other than prospective parents’ own watchfulness.

      • Wendy B November 16, 2016, 10:25 am

        That’s true, but our little Yosie wasn’t one of those cases. 🙂 If you vet the agency first (which they did) as anyone should be doing in any business transaction, you will hopefully avoid the problem.

  • Lisa H. November 15, 2016, 12:04 pm

    I cannot conceive asking my friends and family to fund something that I wanted but could not afford…. The concept is bizarre, but it seems to be the norm now. I’m in my 50’s but this seems to be a relatively new concept.

    • Dee November 15, 2016, 4:02 pm

      Lisa H. – I could have written what you said, word for word. It is always rude to ask for money or goods, that doesn’t change. What has changed, though, is the lack of humility on the part of some people, seemingly the newer generations.

      The only time I am conflicted on how to view funding requests is when it is for a life-saving procedure or treatment. If a person’s pride doesn’t allow them to consider a campaign for their spouse/child then I can see how that pride is misplaced, as it is not up to the person to place their pride before their loved one’s life. That is bad situation to be in but, fortunately, most of the funding requests seem to be of a selfish nature and easy to tune out.

      What surprises me most of the recent funding requests I’ve seen are the ones where people have purchased no insurance and then, when tragedy strikes, seek out help from the public to pay for their decision not to plan for such an emergency. I’m torn between sympathy for the victims and frustration that they seem to consider strangers to be their “insurance” policy. Did they think that they were more special than everyone else and so weren’t vulnerable to fate or did they think they were more special than everyone else and felt their money was better spent elsewhere than on insurance? I can’t decide.

      • Kate November 16, 2016, 1:23 pm

        I agree with you overall, but I do know some people who can afford food and electricity, a used car to get to work, and pretty much nothing else, including insurance. These are hardworking people, they just don’t make a lot of money and don’t live in an area with a lot of job opportunities, and of course can’t afford to move, if things would even be better elsewhere.

        • Dee November 16, 2016, 6:20 pm

          I’m sure there can be circumstances where there simply isn’t any money for insurance but, unfortunately, the stories I have seen have been more of a case where the people say they couldn’t afford the insurance but, in reality, they simply chose to spend the money on non-necessities. I’m sure there are cases of hardship but that’s not what I’ve seen, at least for the most part. This makes me quite cynical when it comes to such tales of woe, for good reason.

          • livvy17 November 17, 2016, 11:47 am

            I tend to agree – I’m sure there are exceptions, but most people who are that hard pressed will qualify for some form of assistance under the ACA. These can make plans very affordable. There still may be hard sacrifices necessary to pay it, but it is normally do-able.

        • InTheEther November 18, 2016, 4:18 am

          I work admission for the ER. I have all the sympathy for those who come up to the desk and go “Okay, look, I’m between jobs and don’t have insurance. But I’ve also got a 6 inch gash in my arm that NEEDS stitches. What are my options.” And the hospital kinda wants to get paid so WE HAVE ASSISTANCE OPTIONS!!! Both straight up charity and a company that actually works to get you insured. And these people are generally great patients and they actually come back by the desk to get the paperwork for the assistance, listen to the instructions, and follow them.

          What I see a great deal more of though are people who come by saying “Yeah, I have mild cold symptoms. Oh, and my insurance is charity.” The doctor gives them common sense instructions, and even though I told them to come back by for the assistance forms as they’re uninsured, they blow right by me. Seriously, we have way too many people coming to the ER over little to nothing, treating it as their clinic and complaining when someone bleeding or having a heart attack goes in ahead of them when they were there first, and they have absolutely NO intention of ever paying. These people are part of why ER bills are jacked up so high.

          • Lerah99 November 18, 2016, 5:22 pm

            My mom was laid off at 62 years old.
            She lost her insurance for that 3 year gap between 62 and 65 when Medicare would kick in.
            I gave up my apartment and moved back home to pay the bills so she wouldn’t lose her house.

            In that uninsured time she got a bunch of clots deep in one of her legs and she ended up in the hospital. The hospital had a charitable foundation that picked up the hospital bill. It was such a Godsend. There was just no way we were going to be able to pay the $10,000 for her week there.

            As it was the blood thinner they put her on was brand new at the time and cost $700 a week until she was able to get coupons from the drug manufacturer.

            The individual doctors that treated her still had bills that needed to be paid. Many of them were willing to negotiate their bills down when she called to say she was uninsured but was willing to make payments if they set up a payment plan or was willing to make a lump sum payment if they could negotiate down the bill a little.

            So we spent through my savings covering her meds and the doctor bills AFTER the charitable foundation picked up the $10,000.00 hospital bill.

            And we really didn’t have the $890 a month that Cobra wanted for her health insurance after she was laid off.

            Sometimes it’s not a matter of people being irresponsible and buying $6 Starbucks lattes every day and spending $15 to go out for lunch everyday while complaining they are always broke.

            Sometimes all the money is going to keeping a roof over your head, food in your belly, and a car operational to get you back and forth to work. You aren’t spending money on movies, dinners out, or the newest iPhone every time one hits the market.

            We were lucky that I had $1,200 in savings. It was what allowed us to pay the $700 for the first week of her medication and pay off the rest of the doctors bills. But it certainly wouldn’t have covered the $10,000 hospital bill nor the almost $900 a month in insurance premiums for her.

          • InTheEther November 19, 2016, 2:26 am

            to Larah99

            I completely agree with you. There are those like your mother who are/were just in a bad situation. And blood clots are DEFINITELY an ER issue and something that has to be taken care of. I have yet to personally meet anyone in healthcare who looses interest in helping a genuinely sick/injured person just because they may not be able to pay.

            I’m complaining about those who are shameless in their leeching, who are coming to the ER over non urgent issues and in plenty of cases actually over NOTHING (we had one frequent flyer who’s leg was sore whenever she didn’t feel like going to her part time job. Oh, she didn’t want to figure out the problem or even get medicine. She just needed a doctor’s excuse.), and as I said won’t even come get the forms to try and get insured because their MO is to just avoid us so we can’t ask them about payment.

            The two are pretty easy to tell apart because those like your mother are actually concerned about the bill. They know they’re racking it up, know it needs to be paid, and feel some kind of responsibility for their medical expenses. The latter just expect that someone is going to pick up the slack because they certainly aren’t going to be paying. And they will get huffy if you try to direct them to the person who will, FOR FREE, look into getting them onto Medicaid. Because didn’t they tell you that their insurance is charity?

  • AppleEye November 15, 2016, 12:21 pm

    A relative of mine posted a link on her Facebook (This was several years ago) asking for donations so she and her husband could adopt a child. It was a link that sent money directly from the donator’s bank account to the recipient, no middle man. I must admit I was a bit shocked at how many of my relatives responded (“of course we will donate; we are sending xxx amount right now!”) Apparently nobody else felt it neccesary to question what reputable adoption agency would place a kid with them, given their extensive criminal backgrounds (mostly drug and theft related). Interestingly, that child never did materialize, and that couple have not shown their faces at any family events in a long time…

    • Yasuragi November 15, 2016, 6:20 pm

      Oh my goodness. I’m afraid to ask but how much money did they collect?

      • AppleEye November 16, 2016, 10:33 am

        I think somewhere around $600-$700. So, granted, not enough for an adoption anyway, but it was just so clearly a scam.

  • Kim November 15, 2016, 12:24 pm

    My heart goes out to this couple. I’ve known a few infertile couples and it’s heartbreaking. However. No, it’s not everyone else’s responsibility to finance a couple having a child, no matter how that child comes to them, biologically or adoption.

    I knew a woman years ago who asked everyone on her chat group to help pay for her IVF. I did not contribute.

  • Just4Kicks November 15, 2016, 12:38 pm

    That is a shame that adoption costs so much money, with so many kids needing a good home.
    However, raising said child will amount to much more than that over the 18+ years they live with you.
    It’s a wonderful idea, just not sure how they will have the day to day costs if they can’t afford the adoption.
    And, no, I’m certainly not suggesting you have to be rich to give a child a loving home.

    • Kirsten November 15, 2016, 3:30 pm

      Finding the money for food and clothing etc over the years isn’t the same as finding a huge lump sum all at once.

      • Kate November 16, 2016, 1:01 am

        They can start saving right now each month the sum they’d in future use for child’s upkeep.

      • Just4Kicks November 16, 2016, 11:26 am

        I agree with you, but with four kids of our own (two in college), some days finding an extra fifty bucks feels like thousands!

  • Anonymous November 15, 2016, 12:40 pm

    I have experienced something similar to this. I work in the medical field and a doctor was going around fundraising selling bracelets saying that half goes to the kids who made them and the other half goes to help them adopt their 4th child. The doctor already had 3 children of their own and while I commend the family on adopting their next child, I thought it was very inappropriate to be asking staff who make significantly less to help pay for their adoption.

    • livvy17 November 17, 2016, 11:50 am

      That’s awful.

  • NostalgicGal November 15, 2016, 12:59 pm

    Not knowing what other things the couple have been through before adoption, I can’t speculate what sort of debt load they’ve already had to get to ‘adoption’. That said, begging others to fund their choice is what rubs me the wrong way. Period. Cut them loose and cut the drama already. OP appears that they do not want to help, which is fine, and at that point cut the ties and let them deal.

  • Calli Arcale November 15, 2016, 1:00 pm

    “My last c-section was 28 years ago and cost $8,000 and I’m sure it’s even more expensive now.”

    My last c-section cost $16,000 (and that was the insurance-negotiated rate) and was uncomplicated. Well, as uncomplicated as c-sections get. She did have to be resuscitated. But she was otherwise fine, and I recovered uneventfully, so yeah, it’s definitely gotten more expensive.

    • Rebecca November 15, 2016, 10:42 pm

      That’s incredible. What if you don’t have the money and can’t possibly raise the funds? Thank goodness for universal health care in my country. I had no idea. What do they do with young girls and accidental pregnancies, with no funds who need an emergency c-section? I am honestly just curious because it’s a scenario I hadn’t thought about.

      Anyway….my heart goes out to the couple who couldn’t conceive, but I also think they were misguided to think all their friends would want to fund their choice to adopt. I’d be more accepting of a fundraiser for someone who had a pregnancy-related complication, totally unexpected, who had no insurance and couldn’t afford it.

      • Dippy November 16, 2016, 10:09 am

        I think she’s saying that’s what the hospital bill was, not her portion. When I had my kids I think I just paid the co-pay for the hospital which was maybe $50 or $100 . If she didn’t have insurance, then that’s a different story.

        • NostalgicGal November 16, 2016, 12:31 pm

          Back in the late 70’s my SIL had her only daughter and it was a sudden C as mom stalled out and the baby was stuck (she had the same issues when she had her daughter in the late 90’s). The hospital gave them what looked like a car or mortgage payment book with tickets to send back with the payments. (they had no insurance, they didn’t have the money). They tossed the book in the trash then did one of their three bankruptcies and walked away from the bill. [the two of them were a piece of work, and the saga is far from over….]

      • Lerah99 November 16, 2016, 11:41 am

        In the USA something like 70% of our bankruptcies are due to medical bills that the family just cannot pay.

        So in the case of a young woman without insurance who ends up having an emergency c-section. The doctors and hospital will try to collect their money for a year.
        After that, it will get turned over to a collection agency who will continue to hound the girl for years and years attempting to collect the money.
        Because of the unpaid bills and the collection agency activity, it will tank her credit. Making it harder for her to find a place to live, harder to finance a car, harder to get a good paying job in certain fields, etc…

        We are all basically one medical calamity away from financial ruin.

        One of my friends was 58 when she suffered a brain hemorrhage. She spent almost a month in the hospital. AFTER her insurance covered their part. She still owed $105,000. It completely wiped out her retirement savings. She is still working full time at 73 because she cannot afford to retire. She’s terrified she’ll get laid off and be unable to find another full time position because of her age.

  • Kat November 15, 2016, 1:33 pm

    “I sure do hope that they get the hint when they realize that they don’t have anywhere near enough donations to proceed without saving money themselves.”

    Has the couple shared their finances with you? Why do you think they aren’t saving money themselves?

  • Cat November 15, 2016, 2:37 pm

    That is a lot of money to request from friends and family. Raising a child is very expensive too. I wonder if they are really financially ready to become parents.
    One can easily pay $28,000 just for a new car, but few family members are going to be willing to help you pay for it.
    In any event, I hope they don’t do what my grandmother did. Evidently, my parents had asked her to help pay for my adoption in 1949. She lived with us from the time I was 18 months old until I was 23 years old.
    Anytime Granny wanted me to do something, she prefaced it with, “I paid five-hundred dollars for you so you have to…” I got so fed up with hearing that I finally said, “You cannot buy a grand daughter. You can only buy a slave.”
    I am sorry to say that it did not stop her from saying it.

    • mark November 16, 2016, 9:47 am

      That would have been funny once maybe twice, after that….not so much.

      • Cat November 16, 2016, 7:15 pm

        It was never funny to me. It was her way of letting me know that she had “real ” grandchildren; I was just bought and paid for.
        If you cannot treat an adopted child as a child who was born to your family, have the grace not so live with her. Granny used to steal my toys to give to her “real” grandchildren and, later, she would steal my new clothes to give to her “real” grand-daughter.
        It came back to bite her. She, in her nineties, moved in with her “real” grandson, his wife, his step-daughter and her “real” great grandson. When he saw how she treated his step daughter, he moved his family out and left granny sitting there. He said the landlord could do whatever he wanted with her; he didn’t care. So much for being “real”.

  • PWH November 15, 2016, 4:01 pm

    Hi OP, I think the “Gimme Pig” title is pretty harsh in this situation. You don’t know the financial hoops the couple has gone through up until now to conceive. They also may have set up the donation page because they had offers from friends and family to assist. In my situation, despite the offers I’ve received from my family, I would never expect others to contribute toward my journey into parenthood. Every step along the way is another drop in the bucket. The medications are expensive and aren’t covered by my employer’s health plan. Although we do have some coverage for IVF where I live, there are still uncovered costs of $10-20K per round. We’ve looked into other options, all with similar costs. Adoption can be $20K or more for private and international is more expensive. Plus there are no guarantees. I’ve heard of couples pursuing adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their minds at the last minute. It’s a heart-breaking process and at times it’s so difficult to rationalize going into debt just to have a child.

  • MsDani313 November 15, 2016, 4:10 pm

    Becoming a foster parent is free and the state will even pay for you to adopt the child and give you a monthly stipend.

    Im not sure if this is true for all states or countries but in Illinois it is. There are thousands of children needing good homes and hundreds who are free for adoption.

    Asking friends and family to pay for the adoption to me is selfish. If you can’t afford a child, don’t have one and don’t ask me to give you money for one.

  • Michelle C Young November 15, 2016, 5:10 pm

    “They decided about 3 years ago that they would most likely adopt. ”

    So, for three years, they know they would “most likely” adopt. For three years, they could have been saving for it, yet they did not?

    Here’s an idea: Wait another three years, and start saving for it NOW.

    Yes, it’s true that they might have spent money, during those three years, on IVF or some such. But if they already knew they would most likely adopt, why spend the money on IVF, with its low success rate and high costs? Why not just save the money and go straight to adoption?

    If you’re willing to adopt, why not simply adopt? Why the big focus on having a child of your own blood? I understand that many people simply MUST have a child of their own blood, or not at all, and that’s fine. That’s a valid choice. I just don’t understand being open to adoption, and even knowing that will be your most likely route, and yet still spending all your resources trying (without little hope of success) to get a child of your own blood, first, especially knowing that doing so will make it more difficult or even impossible to afford the adoption, at last.

    I say, do your homework FIRST, then make an informed decision and stick to it. THEN spend your money.

    • Lenore November 16, 2016, 2:24 am

      You took the words right out of my mouth. Granted, the fertility treatments might still be in the process of being paid off, but I don’t know what the costs are.

      As for the focus of having a child of your own blood – I may have a little insight for some of those situations. Someone I know had to have IVF for a number of years in order to have her children. She and her hubs could have easily adopted, but unfortunately her mother had drilled it into her head that you are *not* a *real* woman unless you birth your own kids, and you are *not* a *real* mother unless those kids were borne in your body.

      Other people are of the opinion that if you adopt, you “don’t know what you’re getting” genes and behaviour wise. However, you still run that risk with a biological kid.

    • BMS November 16, 2016, 11:23 am

      We tried to have kids the old fashioned way for 4 years. It got to the point of ‘spend a ton of money on IVF’ or ‘spend a ton of money on adoption’. The doctors told us we had about a 50% chance of IVF working. If we went through the adoption process, it had a >90% chance of it working. Easy choice. Especially if you’ve ever met my inlaws…

  • Aunt4God November 15, 2016, 6:53 pm

    Except adoption doesn’t have to cost a cent. The foster system is inundated with children that are ready and willing to be loved and love. The problem is that most of them are not babies. You also have to go through a set system to be approved as foster parents before you can adopt. After that, though, each child you foster/adopt comes with a stipend to help take care of them. You don’t even have to be in the same state as the children. One of my friends has now built up a family with 8 kids (2 of them biological, 5 of them siblings and one other foster) that are now all adopted and all theirs. Yes, some of the older children in the system have extra needs due to trauma and some health, etc., but they will help you find the right fit for your household. http://www.adoptuskids.org/

  • SLC November 15, 2016, 7:04 pm

    I do feel for the couple and is a shame that adoption is so expensive but these solicitations for money, no matter how good the intention are rub me the wrong way.

    I had a coworker recently post (over and over) to donate to her $30k goal to adopt, they already have 2 kids, not the first time she has crowd funded (last time it was rent she was short on). I can’t help but scrutinize this person’s spending habits moving forward. I feel like a lot of the people online asking for donations aren’t truly dedicated to their own cause, I’ve seen it first hand. So many of these people seeking donations are still able to afford lengthy vacations, expensive cars, and weekend recreational activities, posting pictures on social media along side the link to donate! I do not donate to these causes, not knowing where the money is truly going makes me uncomfortable. If they can’t raise or save the entire amount or later change their minds who knows where that money goes. Have I now just contributed to an elaborate family vacation or a down payment on a house?

    Where is the line in the sand of what is acceptable to crowd fund and not acceptable?

  • Cattra November 15, 2016, 10:03 pm

    I agree with many of the above that while it is unfortunate how much adoption costs, it is their choice, they should budget as such.

    I would love a home of my own but cannot afford one where I am at the moment. I would not dream of a fundme campaign so that my family can have a stable roof over their head.

    Only in an emergency or unexpected situation should fundraisers be implemented.

  • KB November 16, 2016, 12:02 am

    My husband and I tried for 5 years to conceive a child naturally. When we realized that it most likely wouldn’t happen we decided to adopt. We considered all the option; international, private adoption, foster/adopt. We decided to foster/adopt through the county. We chose this because it fit within our budget being absolutely FREE! I hate the misconception that adoption has to be expensive. I also know that foster/adopt is not for everyone. I have friends who had to raise money for their international and private adoptions, but they did not just ask for money like a gimmie pig. They did fundraisers at local restaurants, or had a diner at their home asking for donations. They made it a personal experience, because going through the adoption process is very personal.

  • Cleosia November 16, 2016, 8:29 am

    There is also the question of whether you can afford the child once you adopt him/her if you can’t afford the adoption fees. The costs don’t stop once the adoption takes place. Just the normal, everyday expenses can run into a lot of money, let alone any emergencies you may run into. And how about college? Are they going to put up a “Fund My Child’s College” page on Facebook too?

    • Lerah99 November 16, 2016, 5:21 pm

      I don’t see why not.
      I had a coworker recently decide that the fact her 6 year old had never been to Disney World was a travesty. She’s a single mom and works a call center job.

      So she started a “GoFundMe” page asking her friends and family to donate money so she could take her kid to Disney world on vacation. She’s asking everyone to help her raise $7,000 so it will be a “vacation to remember”!.

  • Kate November 16, 2016, 2:46 pm

    I would like to know what our honored Admin and other eHell commenters think of the “right to reproduce”. I see this a lot when reading about single parents on government assistance, especially when single mothers in their teens and twenties are being discussed. Invariably someone will comment that people who can’t afford children shouldn’t have them, others will say that there is a basic human right to have children, and just because people are poor is no reason they shouldn’t have kids, especially when they aren’t likely to get out of poverty, as most who are born poor stay poor.

    I tend to think that children have a right to be taken care of and be fed, etc, and that if you can’t guarantee food clothing and shelter, you shouldn’t bring a child into this world, no matter how sad that makes you.

    What does everyone here think?

    • Dee November 16, 2016, 6:31 pm

      Kate – It’s a fine line between supporting the parents so that the children don’t suffer and rewarding the parents for reproducing. Often, the lament is that children are too costly but so many of those costs are optional. Food is what is nourishing and complete, not what is convenient. That means cheaper whole vegetables, not packaged foods and take out. Clothing needs to be warm, comfortable and realistic; brand name is not a necessity. Also, when did sewing go extinct? Shelter means safe and clean, not your own room and a play/TV room and so on. Yes, it is perfectly legitimate to have to share a room with a sibling or two. Many people who claim to be unable to afford their kids’ expenses choose to buy luxuries they cannot afford, at the expense of the basics.

      I don’t know what society can do about that because we don’t screen young people for IQ/EQ, and sterilize accordingly. Thankfully, that’s not a consideration, at least not at this time. Education is probably the biggest key to solving child poverty, through parental education, but schools seem to be more interested in churning out star athletes and math whizzes than teens with life skills.

      • BMS November 17, 2016, 10:50 am

        I sort of agree here. Raising kids is pretty necessary for the continuation of the species. But right now, overpopulation is more of a problem than underpopulation. Everyone needs to add kids to their family responsibly. I totally agree that a lot of what people thing kids (especially babies) need is really overblown. We had to stretch our finances to the limit to adopt our sons. So when they came home, they slept in used cribs, rode in used strollers, wore hand me down and thrift store clothing, did without a baby swing, didn’t go to infant swimming, music, or baby yoga classes, and shared a room. Somehow, they lived. We probably spent less than $800 on all the baby stuff we used. Now that they are older and I am better paid, we can buy them new clothes and splurge on the occasional electronic toy. But my 16 year old is not getting his own car (as some of his classmates have in our suburban town), I am not buying $200 Nikes for anyone, and we’re not going to Hawaii every year because ‘everyone else goes someplace cool’. We’re saving for college, and if that means that my kids have to ‘suffer’ by not having every expensive thing their hearts desire, so be it.

    • Lenore November 17, 2016, 2:00 am

      In some cases, the parents are more than able to afford the costs of supporting a child when they bring it into the world, and then something happens (the economy tanks, a parent’s employer closes down etc) and suddenly they’re struggling. Life happens, you cannot always expect that because you have a job and a comfortable lifestyle right now, that it will continue in that vein. As someone further up the thread mentioned, you just need one disaster to wipe you out (massive medical bill, job loss, natural disaster, death of a parent, one parent just runs away and becomes delinquent etc).

      • Kate November 18, 2016, 2:31 pm

        I completely agree with you, but what I meant was people who know they cannot afford a child and choose to have one (often multiples!) anyway.

  • The OP of this post November 16, 2016, 3:44 pm

    I am so tired of seeing these fundraisers for what should be that person’s responsibility! I understand adoption and fertility treatments and conventional pregnancy and birth are expensive. Most of us are making our own plans and saving for these events as well! There are plenty of ways to come up with the money for an adoption including cashing out your 401k, low interest loans through a credit union, credit cards, working more and spending less, etc. If all else fails foster to adoption in most states is almost 100% free! There is no excuse to beg your friends and family for your family planning expenses.

    I currently have the following fundraisers going through my newsfeed: fly my in-laws to America for my wedding (I’m not kidding), send my daughter to London for her cheerleading competition, pay for a much needed vacation following the death of a child. Ugh.

    I cannot imagine the level of entitlement and gall it takes to create one of these and beg repeatedly for all the world to see. Why don’t they see how tacky it is??

    • Lenore November 17, 2016, 2:06 am

      Someone I knew in highschool was running a fundraiser to fly her from the US to South Africa to visit her ailing father. Someone bought the tickets for her outright and she kept the fundraiser going for “spending money to spoil my family with”.

      And this was three weeks before Christmas. Now I could get that her Dad was very ill and she wanted to be able to go spend time with him in the likely case that he was going to pass away in the near future, but once someone bought her the tickets (the primary function of that fundraiser), I would have closed down the online fundraiser and refunded the donors as the tickets were now bought. The fact that she kept it going and kept pushing for more donations rankled me, and I promptly unfriended her on FB.

      On the flip side, a friend of mine started a small fundraiser to pay for child expenses as her ex was *not* paying child support (he was something like $7000 behind and was fighting it through the courts every step of the way).

      Her kid has special needs so the medical bills were the primary source of financial worry. This wasn’t for buying him toys or clothes or taking him on a trip. It was to make a dent in the medical bills because the DeadBeatDad would rather buy himself expensive Lego kits (I’ve seen them on his FB page, it’s not really locked down), than support his only son. That I could understand and I did donate, especially since she was only asking for a small amount.

  • Novocastrian November 16, 2016, 8:40 pm

    This topic, this question, and this answer seems to me to be the antithesis of what proper etiquette is all about. Being kind, and thoughtful, and being firm in ones beliefs, without dragging others through the mud to prove yourself correct.

    The way I figure it is;
    – Adoption costs money, birth costs money, babies costs money, kids cost money.
    – reasons for adoption or childbirth range from wanting your own, or wanting to protect and love someone elses (and other reasons I am sure)

    the work required? that is deemed so important by the writer, and the administrator, so as to ‘earn’ the right to have a child?

    So may people have babies with no understanding or interest in how to raise them as great human beings (no, having children that “survive” to adulthood ought not be the benchmark of a good parent), and the idea that adoptive parents should “work hard” to “pay for a child”.

    Yes, adoption costs money because of the people, the services and the legalities – and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean that women who can carry a baby to term has any more ‘right’ to carry a baby, hug her child or lean on her adult offspring.

    How you can equate work, and money, with WORTHINESS, boggles my mind.

    A baby can be born from a womb belonging to a welfare dependant, drug dependant, poorly educated, (or any combination of negative factors for bringing children into this world), but the nine months they put that poor child through before giving birth, is worth more than any money an adoptive parent has access to?

    I am so disappointed to see someone who is hailed by so many, as the pinnacle of modern manners, turn out to be a callous, hypocritical busybody, that I am sure my argument has holes.

    In the interest of fairness, I will admit, I am SO biased (several miscarriages, over several years, and ever increasing desire to have children, my own or adopted). However, the idea that a post asking for money to adopt would cause such ire in the OP is strange. Donate, or don’t, even hide the post to avoid feeling offended, but jeepers, how is two people slagging off a desperate person anything to do with etiquette?

  • AnaMaria November 16, 2016, 10:26 pm

    It depends on how you look at it- if you see it as “Help us pay for having a baby,” then no, not okay. You don’t ask friends and family to help you pay for a biological child (unless there are extreme circumstances such as medical complications).

    However, if you look at it as, “We want to give a home to a child who needs a family,” then I think it’s a different story. With November being national adoption month, some things to keep in mind:
    -There are 100,000 children in the United States alone waiting to be adopted (they are currently in foster care or group homes). If these children are not adopted, they are on their own on their 18th birthdays, even if they haven’t finished high school.
    -There are well over 100 MILLION orphans worldwide- some of them will be dismissed from their orphanages as early as their 16th or 14th birthdays due to lack of space and resources. Many of them will be sold into slavery by “volunteers” who worked at their orphanages specifically to lure them into trafficking as soon as they aged out.

    (Note that these numbers do NOT apply to domestic infant adoption- there are currently far more couples waiting to adopt a baby than there are babies being placed for adoption shortly after birth. No body facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption should have to fear that their baby won’t have a family!)

    A permanent family is every child’s right. If someone is choosing to open their home to a child in need, then I see no reason why they can’t ask others to consider giving to help them out. Only five percent of families in the US pursue adoption- if we make those families wait until they can come up with the cash on their own, there will be all the more children without families. What is more important: that would-be adoptive families appear tactful on social media, or that these children get homes??