This particular individual is an acquaintance of mine, so I did not actually receive this “invitation.” I saw it when she proudly posted a picture of it on Facebook with a caption saying (paraphrasing), “All these years and people are still mad about this. Oh well, I thought it was funny!”
A few friends commented with supportive statements like, “Anyone who truly knows you would’ve thought it was funny!”
What do my fellow EHellions think? 0608-16
People are still mad about this invitation years after the wedding? Let me count the ways…
- Let’s start with the fact that wedding announcements, which is really what this is, are sent AFTER the wedding.
- Alleged friends and more distant family, while earning a notice of the impending wedding, are informed bluntly that they did not qualify as “intimate family”.
- The allegedly funny reference to a lack of police presence implies these non-guests are of a criminally bent ilk. While some guests may appreciate the humor, the notice was sent to enough people who did not.
- And the reason why these phantom guests are not invited to the wedding is because the cost of an expensive Italian honeymoon precluded having enough money to invite everyone to the wedding.
- It is cognitive dissonance to want good wishes on your “big day” from people you don’t want anywhere near you on your wedding day.
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One word: crass.
What a strange thing to do. I don’t get it.
It’s even worse than what my sister-in-law’s sister-in-law did: talking and sharing about her wedding on Facebook but I wasn’t invited. She kept talking about it… I lost a lot of respect for her last year.
A sister-in-law’s sister-in-law is pretty distant, though. I don’t even know how many sisters-in-law my sisters-in-law have, so that falls under “not everyone you know on Facebook will invite you to their wedding.” Yes, people go on at what seems like excessive length about wedding plans; the same can be said of vacations, house renovations, their favorite television programs, and their puppies.
Normally you’d be right, but we’re actually closer than normally. She’s my brother’s wife’s brother’s wife lol. But yeah, I thought we were friends.
I get posting about your wedding, but she kept posting how awesome everything was.
Talking and sharing about your wedding is not a Facebook faux pas. It’s what I would expect a bride-to-be to be doing. Not setting up specific friend groups to see or not see those posts is the problem. If I see anybody doing this who doesn’t have their groups set up correctly, I just try to ignore those posts, if Facebook will recognize them as a type of post to ignore. Or just block them temporarily.
I don’t consider it a faux pas to post about your wedding on Facebook. The reality is that not everyone can be invited to a wedding. Sometimes I’m disappointed that I didn’t make the cut, but that doesn’t mean that they need to hide their marriage from me. I’m going to find out at some point.
I actually enjoy when people post about their weddings (even when I’m not invited). It allows me the opportunity to share in their joy.
I’m really confused. Sister-in-law’s sister-in-law? Is that like the sister to your husband’s sister’s husband? Because I can’t say as I’m too shocked at not being invited if it’s that sort of relation.
And she’s not allowed to talk or share about her wedding on Facebook? That seems a bit extreme.
Agreed. My sisters’ husbands have sisters, as do the spouses of my husband’s siblings (in at least a few cases). I don’t expect to be invited to ANYTHING of theirs, let alone something that takes as much planning and care for the guest list as a wedding. It was even strange to me when one of my sister’s MIL sent us a gift for the birth of our first baby (and before anyone asks, we still thanked her properly, because weird or not, it was a nice gesture).
I think gifts from random people for babies get a pass… (almost) everyone loves babies.
We received an intricately hand-knitted/crochet’d jacket from my husbands-friends’-grandmother. Neither of us have ever met the woman, but she’d clearly spent effort in getting this gorgeous little number right. Had little knitted owls on it and everything…
Now that’s just sweet of the sisters MiL, my mother makes these amazing bibs that get given to everybody having a little person, whether she knows them well or not, just as a kind gesture, she makes so many of them, I think she has it down to a 15 minute job, and my friends who have not even met her get them, just because they are my friends, and they tell me they last practically forever.
I agree, it was sweet. It was also confusing because we don’t regularly interact with her MIL, and it was a larger gift (not as large as, say, a carseat or crib, but not a few onesies or a toy or book either). We just found it a bit strange. But like I said we recognized it was a very nice gesture of hers and thanked her accordingly.
Yes, it is worse, because what your sister-in-law’s sister-in-law did isn’t particularly rude at all.
I wasn’t very clear maybe. She was. Posting about it is one thing. Asking your Facebook friends whether they’re looking forward to it is another.
Wow, same here. I didn’t get invited to my father’s brother’s cousin’s former roommate’s wedding. Totally left me steamed. :T
That’s a rude response. You don’t know how well other people know each other. Shame on you.
It’s a play on a quote from Spaceballs.
Why would you expect an invite from a sister in law’s sister in law?
Because I know her better than you’d expect. I certainly would have invited her.
But if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have posted like her.
I understand where you’re coming from. All of my sister-in-law’s sisters-in-law (my husband’s sister’s husband’s sisters) join us for holidays and birthdays at the in-law’s house. When we became engaged I got the “you’re inviting us to the wedding, right?” from all four of them, so we did invite them and they attended. Over the years they have all had weddings of their own and we have not been invited to a single one.
Thank you. I’m glad someone understands. The others don’t, and seem to think they know my situation better than I do.
Its always a good idea to allow that while we wouldn’t do such&such, our situations don’t match perfectly and what we would do is not the yardstick by which others should be measured.
Often when a professional joins a practice, or two practices merge, an announcement will be sent out and run in a newspaper to let interested parties know of the merger.
But a wedding isn’t a business merger, and friends are not clients (unless you sell [fill in the blank]).
If I were not having a large wedding, I could see sending a nice (note this qualification: nice, and not trying to be funny) announcement out to those who did not attend and are not close enough to have known about the wedding, but would probably want to know. Such an announcement would not suggest the need to respond with anything more than good wishes, and would not reference any wedding celebration the way this one did.
Agreed.
Maybe it’s just the families I’m part of and familiar with, but among most of them wedding announcements are sent out prior to the wedding rather than after. However they never mention locations or brag about parties or expensive honeymoons, they merely state, “Bride’s Parents are happy to announce the wedding of their daughter Daughter to Groom’s Name, son of Groom’s Parents.” Plus engagement photos, usually. I see them all over my MIL’s pantry door and my various relatives’ fridge doors, and never thought anything of them if they didn’t specifically say “you’re invited” or indicate locations.
Technically, wedding (or more so marriage) is a business merger :D. To units join their finances, they now have financial responsibility for each other and any offspring they produce. In addition, marriage changes inheritance things at least in many places, married partners have rights to the property of the other unless additional deals are made and so on. Marriage in the eyes of law is mainly financial agreenment for two people to create one financial unit. And has always been. As I always say, love does not need papers or official status. But money does.
This is what I read:
Hello people,
I’m trying to be funny.
I’m getting married, but I’m not inviting you. Just letting you know that my vacation is more important. However, I am informing you in advance so you can “think of us” and send us a present.
kktnxbye
Yes. This exactly.
I believe you interpreted it perfectly – especially the “send us a present” part.
That’s exactly how I read it – “Send a present!”
I think this could be funny to a select audience, and could be sent to that audience. And only that audience. Everyone else (especially the family not invited), should have received a nicer announcement after the fact.
It’s why for the holidays I normally send out three different cards – one for my very Jewish family, one for my husbands very Catholic family and one for our friends who always appreciate the weird combined holiday cards I find/have made.
I agree. I personally find it funny and quirky, but would I send something like this to my grandma? Or my boss? No. And further proof of “select audience” is shown just in these comments. So many people are saying its insulting and a money/gift-grab. But I read it as an elopement announcement. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe its because most of my own friends are poor and couldn’t/can’t afford weddings. Maybe it’s because I work in the wedding industry and I am just relieved to see something so different.
It doesn’t really read as a gift grab to me – they didn’t even put their registry info!
Being the generous soul that I am, I can kind of see this being funny with the right group of friends. If this was sent to everyone she know then I just don’t know what to say.
Emphasis on “right group of friends,” of course.
I’m just wondering what the point was? I mean nothing would have been better and less insulting than this.
I mean it’s sort of like “ha ha you suck! But hey send us presents!”
The fact that they “don’t get it” makes it worse, or maybe they’re just trying to convince themselves they didn’t do anything wrong. But I don’t even know what the thought process was that went into this that unless they did it so that they could get more wedding presents out of it because some people would feel like they need to send presents regardless because of guilt or whatever.
I don’t get it, either.
The police presence thing…? Most “big, garish, ostentatious” weddings don’t take place in backyards, so what does the police presence of their neighborhood have to do with anything? I’ve known wedding locales that require the hiring of a guard, so it wouldn’t have been an issue if it had been a real concern of the couples’.
I am getting the impression that this particular couple was hoping that the people they sent these non-invites to would send gifts or money despite being acknowledged as not being close enough to the couple to warrant an actual invitation.
Color me jaded, but I hope none of these people actually got them anything.
I am letting evil o_gal out for a few minutes. She would have sent a lovely card with this written on the inside:
Congratulations, you got married!
Due to the lack of initiative on our part,
And a rather pricy family trip to Wally World,
We actually did not get you a present.
We’re actually kind of glad that you had the
Foresight to know that we would not have enjoyed
A big, garish, ostentatious wedding
With only intimate family present, so instead
We thought of you on your big day!
And we counted our blessings, so we wish you a
Hearty congratulations and hopes that your marriage
Is a long lived as the feelings from your announcement.
I love Evil 0_gal!
Even if I give the bride and groom the benefit of the doubt and presume that they are trying to be funny and lighthearted and not rude or gift grabby with their “announcement/non-invitation”, I still have to say that’s terrible lack of judgement. Maybe they are funny people in real life and maybe their joke would have been funny if told in person, or to a select audience. But we all know how when we write things out, it can easily fall flat, and they should have realized this was going to step on toes and hurt feelings, especially the friends and family who didn’t make the cut, as Admin said. The kicker is that the bride knows it hurt feelings, but still thinks it’s funny and posts about it on social media years later!
An announcement after the wedding took place would have been much better, and they still could have done something cute and clever without hurting as many feelings.
It could have been cute if it didn’t blatantly say that “I’d rather spend money on me than share my special day with the people I care about.” Maybe that means she doesn’t really care about this people.
Since it’s going out to a lot of people, some of whom and NOT considered “intimate family,” she should have just sent out a notice about the ceremony and left out the “cute” and the fact that she didn’t want to waste good honeymoon money or them.
I’m more confused by the above posters sister in laws sister in law.
I’m trying to figure out who that would be in my life.
My brothers wife’s brothers wife? My husband’s sisters husband’s wife?
Unless I had a relationship with them personally, aside from just marriage, I don’t imagine I would be invited. Even though I have them on facebook.
If they talked about their wedding, I’d wish them well and scroll on, knowing I’m not close enough, even in family terms, to be invited.
I think it’s the sister of your husband’s sibling’s spouse, though a sister of your sibling’s spouse might sort of work (though not exactly SIL’s SIL).
I agree with you that you’d have to have a relationship with them personally aside from that convoluted marriage connection in order to feel that an invite would be more than gift-grab, in my opinion. I don’t have any of my in-laws’ in-laws on my FB friends feed (only my sisters’ spouses and my husband’s siblings and their spouses), and even if someone that distant from me were on my list and posting about their wedding, I wouldn’t get hung up about the apparent slight at not being invited, I would just wish them well and move on.
I mean, I see people on my friends list posting about things all the time that I’m not invited to (and frequently can’t get to due to distance, but that’s beside the point), and I don’t worry about it because I know when I’m meant to be invited, I will be invited, and I don’t get to expect an invitation to every little thing that goes on in the lives of the people on my FB friends list. And my friends list is 90% immediate family and close friends, to boot.
I’m married to Fred. Fred’s sister is Sandy, so she’s my sister in law. Sandy’s married to Bob. Bob’s sister is Mary, so she’s Sandy’s sister in law, and my sister in law’s sister in law. And no, I wouldn’t expect an invitation based on that relationship alone.
I assume they are trying to be funny? And maybe in thier circle of friends and family, this works. Recieving this probably would of gotten a giggle snort from me. Followed with filing it in the trash can.
I doubt I would be offended by this. Odds are I’m really not an intimate friend or family, and I would likely recognize this and not be offended . And thier quirky sense of humor falls a little flat for me, but, to each their own.
Why on earth didn’t they just send announcements after they married? As Ketchup said, that was a strange thing to do.
Tacky but harmless. Eye roll and move on
Very weird. And probably also a sneaky way of asking for presents.
Well, I’D certainly be amused if I was told that having an expensive honeymoon was more important to the bride and groom than having people that care about them at their wedding. (sarcasm) It costs NOTHING to invite people to the ceremony – which is the actual wedding, no matter how many people think otherwise. Then the happy couple could have had a simple punch and cake reception afterwards, and still been able to afford that luxury trip to Italy. I hope that their circle of friends shrank considerably after this.
Friends did the invite everybody to their public park wedding, (it really was lovely) and there must have been easily 120 people there, they then went off for a wedding party / family dinner and then had organised a roof-top party (with nibbles, I might add) for later in the evening at a lovely little nightclub/bar…
This worked out really well for this group of people, especially the contrast in photos – with us all being very polite adults and dressed up in the day photos and then even their parents in flash-night-time-chic and having a grand ol’ boogey at the party.
If I could do mine over, I think I would lean this way…
Wow – I can’t tell you how much I LOVE this whole idea!
Depending on location, the fire marshal might disagree. OK, you’re not feeding people, and you might be paying a flat fee for the use of the venue, but most weddings are held indoors, and the room won’t hold an infinite number of people. I knew a couple who got married in the groom’s parents’ apartment; that was crowded but okay for a few dozen people, but no way could they have invited two hundred.
I don’t know. It doesn’t ask for presents or cash or refer to a registry. It just wants thoughts. I kind of like it.
If you don’t think “think of us on our big day” means “send presents/money”, you are naive in the way of modern weddings!
This reminds me of when I ran into someone who’d been a very close friend in high school and university. Once we’d graduated and gotten jobs, we’d grown apart somewhat, but I still considered her a very good friend. When I asked “How are you?”, she said “I’m getting married!”, and she told me all about her fiancé, the wedding plans, etc. I said “Sounds great! I can’t wait!” (Which was poor manners on my part, I realize – but we’d been such good friends, and she’d told me all about the wedding, so I somehow assumed I was invited.) That was her cue to look awkward and say “Well, it’s just for family.” Oh. Okay.
A few weeks later, I got an invitation to her wedding shower. So, apparently I was good enough to buy her and her fiancé a present, but I wasn’t good enough to attend the wedding.
Now that is tacky!! And such an obvious, blatant gift-grab on her part. Only you were responsible for your faux pas, she didn’t need to take advantage of it by turning it into a gift-grab opportunity.
Shalamar – When this friend talked about the wedding, without any indication from you that you wanted to hear the details, then it was safe to assume that you were invited. It is never polite to talk about an upcoming event to people you know are not going to be invited, so one simply assumes such talk means that the listener is actually invited. You did nothing wrong. I hope, though, you gave the shower a pass.
Dee, you can’t know whether Shalamar showed an interest in the details or not! Maybe she did.
It seems to me that while Shalamar still considers this woman ‘a very good friend’ the other woman does not, and sees Shalamar as just ‘someone I used to be close to years ago in high school and university’. They clearly don’t correspond at all, or even follow each other on social media, since she has got engaged and is well on with wedding arrangements without Shalamar knowing anything about it, and it’s possible that without the chance meeting Shalamar would have gone right on not knowing. It’s quite possible that the friend never dreamt Shalamar would have any expectation of an invitation, and so felt no need to steer the conversation away.
I think your reaction was wholly unfair. You had indicated a desire to be invited to her wedding festivities. She felt unable to patch you into the (presumably already full) guest list for the wedding itself, but thought if you were that keen you might like to come to the shower, and so not be completely left out.
You do not invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding. That is the the utmost in tacky behavior!
Except that you are not supposed to invite people to wedding showers that aren’t invited to the wedding itself.
It could have been worse – it could have said something about cash contributions being appreciated to help defray the cost of the honeymoon.
Eurgh, yes. That would indeed be worse.
At least this just feels like a mini-bragfest hiding under an attempt to be funny. In the right circle of friends, as others mentioned, this could work.
It seems that many people use the excuse of humor to perform acts for which they would otherwise receive criticism. Humor has been used to disguise the malice behind practical jokes and behind insults of all kinds. The announcement is not only bad form, but completely self-absorbed. The expression “at someone else’s expense” comes to mind: if what you propose as funny is something that you do or say to someone else or is about someone else, it’s very likely to be wrong since they would be ones paying for your humor through their own embarrassment or harm. Such things are perfectly funny in a comedy routine or on film. In real life, however, we should all feel free to laugh at ourselves and treat others with more gentility.
I can see this being funny to a an inner-circle group of friends and family who don’t care about propriety and what feels like outdated rules of behavior. So go ahead and send this un-invitation to that group of friends, who will laugh at it. Don’t go sending it to your bigger circle of friends and relatives who won’t get it, though!
How could they have expected that to go over well at all?
At least they didn’t ask for gifts or “honeymoon donations”?
Boy, that is some serious attention-seeking. If it’s been all these years, why is she bringing it up again? I suspect no one is still mad at this, but she got so much attention for it the first time, and hasn’t recently had a a similar divisive issue to really dig her heels in over and fell “right”, that she’s brought it up herself with the false claim of “OMG!!!1! Everyone is still mad!!”
No, they’re not. Go volunteer at the food bank, stupid woman.
Well, if it went up on Facebook previously, Facebook likes to remind you of posts you made in previous years and asks if you want to share it again.
Also she could have been going through boxes of stuff in her home and found a copy of the non-invitation among a bunch of papers, thought, “Hah, I thought that was funny!” and posted about it on Facebook. I’ve helped family go through piles of things before (and done it myself) and found things like old paper invitations, photos, event programs, etc. And I could easily see myself sharing one to FB saying, “Hey, guys, remember this thing that has what I think is an amusing anecdote associated with it?”
Super weird to send out a non invite. I see why people were annoyed. Sounds to me like the backlash she received may still be bothering her, and she was looking for validation that she didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s an announcement; it is a bit odd, but I don’t see an etiquette breach in the timing or in the “intimate family ceremony”.
The sense of humor is a little off, but not truly offensive – police presence is clearly meant to be a joke –
except that if I were hosting a larger wedding that year, with a wish to include friends and family, I would take offense at the “big, garish..count your blessings” implication that bigger weddings are a burden on guests.
At least it’s not a gift grab!
Along with crass, tacky and rude, it also has some redeeming qualities. I would do exactly as they requested; I would simply think of them on their special day and then never give it a second thought. Oh, and I’d treat myself to something fun with the money I might have spent on a gift.
I can see the humour in it but what is the purpose of this stupid card? The author is being wry, I get that. She is making a statement about ostentatious weddings. She’s baldly stating that she finds these sorts of weddings and their trappings (including pretty, printed cards) silly. Well, great. But apparently she isn’t smart enough to realise which of her friends and family would appreciate this and which wouldn’t.
These are the thoughts you are supposed to keep inside your head, not speak aloud, and certainly not print on a card.
If the HC want to be comedians, they have to accept that not everybody is going to enjoy their “act.” If they want to have good family relationships, they need to learn that not everybody wants to be treated like they are the audience to a comedy act. Pick a lane and stay in it.
I think it’s pretty funny actually.
Ugh.
I don’t think that the wedding announcement is the time for this kind of joking around. Also, this type of joking around needs to be saved for people that you are very close to.
This is my personal view, and is probably not a part of standard etiquette, but I would view a wedding announcement as hinting for gifts from people that you have chosen not to invite to the wedding. If people are close enough to you to want to know that you got married, they are probably going to hear about it. Otherwise you can call people after the fact.
“If people are close enough to you to want to know that you got married, they are probably going to hear about it.”
In counterpoint, I will mention that I don’t always get to hear about my cousins’ significant events through other means, so I greatly appreciate when my aunts and uncles send announcements out for graduation, weddings, and even baby arrivals. It lets me know about certain milestones in my cousins’ lives.
Hubs & I had this conundrum when we ‘eloped’ – it wasn’t secret, we just wanted to do the Vegas thing by ourselves. Neither of us are big ‘wedding people’ & didn’t want to deal with the stress & expense which would have been impossible to avoid in our situation – family all over the globe, etc. Our immediate families were pretty cool about our wishes BUT we threw our respective parents a bone by letting them spread the news to the other family members (without going into unnecessary detail, this was wise on our part 😉 ) One aunt on his side & one on mine were a bit put out that they didn’t hear from us personally regarding our plans; either from a call, email or announcement – but we didn’t want to look like we were asking for gifts. And a card after the fact would have REALLY offended them. Once we explained that we felt in a bind, they understood – and had only been slightly miffed at first as they’re very fond of us & wouldn’t have seen it as a gift-grab. (It’s always the people that worry they’ll come across that way that usually don’t need to worry that they’ll come across that way, I find. 🙂 )
I agree with the majority – Know your audience when you send out ‘funny’ invites/announcements. And I reckon Cora (above) is correct in her astute summation – Someone’s looking for some attention! (Or validation at the very least). FB can be a brilliant tool but, ugh, it can really indulge certain types of people’s self-absorption.
Also, those people who are still upset seven years later need to let it go. If she often jokes with people in an insulting manner, limit contact. If this was a one time lapse in judgement, move on. I’m not sure why she posted this when she already knows some people were offended by it. Maybe she is just immature and enjoys the drama.
I think it is just a money grab and I would of been pretty ticked off. I would of thought that I was good enough to open my wallet but not good enough to enjoy their day with them. I would of followed their directions on the big day and took a moment to think of them. That’s all that they would of gotten from me.
[blink-blink] Wow, that’s…. that feels kinda like a slap in the face, doesn’t it?
What kind of arrogance do you have to have to send a wedding uninvitation to people, telling them about the upcoming wedding and that they did not make the cut? This is nothing more than a ruder-than-usual hit up for gifts. I’d be tempted to let the bride and groom know how grateful I am to NOT have to go to their wedding, thank you so much for that.
Wedding announcements haven’t been particularly necessary for many years. The only thing a new couple needs to possibly do for relatives and friends who were not invited to the wedding is to send a heads-up, sometime later, that as of their marriage they are now Mr. and Mrs. What-have-you and their new address is 123 Wherever Street, in case they need to make those changes in their address books. But even that is rather unnecessary nowadays since there are so many ways to communicate with people other than contacting them at a physical address, and so many couples are cohabitating long before the wedding that there is nothing new that needs to be announced anyway.
Imagine how much money could have been saved even more by not sending these out in the first place? What’s next, baby shower uninvitations? After receipt of this piece of junk mail I’d have probably trashed every future thing I’d receive from this couple, lest it be even worse. Never having to hear from them again might be considered a blessing.
I seem to recall that at one time – pre-WWII, perhaps – it was proper etiquette to send people who didn’t attend the wedding, but might wish to know, exactly the information you mentioned – new names and new address. Wedding “announcements” seem to be a more modern invention. I also have seen that any wedding announcements should have the same level of formality as the invitations – Ms. Jeanne, could you confirm or rebut that?
I saw something in Miss Manners, about an “At Home” card to send to family and friends to let people know when the bridal couple will be settled in their residence, the address, and how they are to be addressed socially. How to address couples can be a social mine field these days, so it’s nice to let people know. Will the couple be Mr. and Mrs. Edward Etiquette or perhaps Mr. Edward Etiquette and Ms. Molly Manners, at home after June 19th, 1234 Maple Street, Washington, DC? I know I got asked for that information a lot when my daughters got married. What’s her new address? Is she changing her name? When will they be back, if I want to send a gift to their house?
A wedding announcement could serve much the same purpose, I would think.
JD, thank you so much – the “At Home” card was exactly what I was trying to think of!
The “uninvitation” is a close relative of the “virtual” event, in my view. I’ve seen some online “showers” for the soon-to-be-wed, the soon-to-be-born and the soon-to graduate and I have to admit that it makes no sense to me. There aren’t many forms where gifts are an expected, accepted part of the party but bridal showers , baby showers and graduations have always kind of scooted under that bar in an acceptable fashion. I do think that if you are going to host an event that it should actually involve a real party with real guests, refreshments and general goodwill. Virtual showers don’t do much to promote real hospitality. I guess “your gifts are requested but your presence is not” in any form is just distasteful.
OK, here I go … don’t hate me, but I’m playing Devil’s Advocate.
There are some people in this world that need a Passive Aggressive act as subtle as a steamroller to get the hint.
In my imagination, this invitation went to people who have acted up so poorly at other events as to need police intervention, who treat weddings as if it’s a free-loading opportunity (been there, done that), or throw over-the-top weddings then complain of penury. Recipients may have also included people who otherwise show no interest in the betrothed except when it comes time to attend a lavish wedding complete with a cash bar and free booze. While a gift should not be equated with a “price of admission,” there is something insulting about buying a couple a $10 gift then showing up at a $100 per head meal, when you’re not someone who is close, or suffering financially. I know people like this.
Such people will no doubt, complain loudly and publicly about being “snubbed” by not being invited at the wedding.
In my imagination, the subtext message is: “We are spending our money on ourselves and a wonderful trip, not feeding people who don’t genuinely care about us and plying them with alcohol, only to run the risk of violent/inappropriate/criminal behavior as in past events. We are sharing this event with people who love us and can honor the event for what it is.”
So, I don’t know the players involved. Maybe the authors are just royal jerks. Then again, maybe this is someone’s version of a “polite spine,” sent en masse.
They say sarcasm sometimes is a sign of intelligence. We never know if this is the case.
I find your post very interesting. It very well could be that this couples’ circle of family and friends are just way too freeloading and entitled and they are trying to distance themselves.
Of course, I’ll still argue that there were better (ie: less rude) ways of dealing with it. 😉
Thank you for sharing this perspective, though. I have to say you have done an excellent job at seeing the better side of people!
Aw. Thank you for the wonderful compliment! I think my perspective comes more from an overactive imagination than reality-based experience, though.
But if what you’re arguing is true, it’s an even bigger etiquette faux pas, as it’s correspondence for the sake of insult/ revenge. It’s not polite to preemptively snub and insult people.
It may very well be true that they have people in their lives that made them think their money would be better spent on a honeymoon than a reception, which is fine. They could have sent an announcement after the fact, then. They could make jokes about their own personal lawlessness forcing them to elope to Italy, for fear of the police arresting them as the newest Bonnie and Clyde, but not this.
I agree that the announcement, and such passive-aggression isn’t not polite, but sometimes that kind of thing is necessary.
Some people want what they want and no amount of a “polite spine” is going to stop them. After having to issue a TRO and a Cease and Desist order against two different parties in two different decades of my life, I’ve learned that being polite is the goal, but sometimes, you just have to make a point if you want your boundaries expected.
Looking back, being a little less polite and a little more aggressive, or using passive aggression to make my presence less desirable could have saved me much time, effort and money.
It’s unfortunate, but I’ve paid a very high price for not doing it sometimes.
This.
Maybe your scenario is true, sillyme, but two wrongs don’t make a right. If the recipients of this uninvitation truly are that crude then the bride and groom’s action simply succeeded in lowering themselves to that standard. We don’t know if the non-guests are as bad as you are guessing they may be but the bride and groom have made it quite clear that they lack any sort of taste or judgement. That’s the best that they achieved so there doesn’t seem to be any good reason to do this.
I can’t imagine why anyone would give that kind of person so much room in their head, though. These would presumably be people who the couple don’t want to be around or even really associate with, but they’re going to go to the trouble and expense of making and sending those cards? That’s not really passive aggressive, that’s just plain aggressive.
I agree with Danielle. Those that weren’t worthy of being hosted due to prior rudeness should simply not be invited. I have to admit that the remark about “freeloading” in sillyme’s explanation made little sense to me. The Happy Couple presumably knows their prospective guests well, so their quirks and foibles can be anticipated and offset through good planning.
That’s very imaginative.
I really have no objection to people having a small intimate wedding if that’s what is right for them. This was just too in-your- face “We think big weddings are a bore and a waste of money” and “You’re not invited.”
“But please send a gift.”
Also, to add:
6. We think larger weddings are big, garish and ostentatious, so if you had one, you are tacky.
Well it certainly isn’t very….couth…..but I would have just laughed and snorted at it. In fact, if I ever get married again, I want to do that…..take a beautiful honeymoon and just get married with my mom and dad there and be done with it. 🙂 Just for the record, they aren’t asking for presents, so there’s that. Also the poke at “garish” weddings isn’t making fun of those who have big weddings, just those that have “garish, ostentatious” weddings—I don’t think anyone wants to go to one of those (I’d count my blessings too not to have to go to one of those!
Except that many people interpret “please think of us on our big day” as “please send us a gift,” so I’m not sure it’s correct to say that they aren’t asking for presents. Maybe not explicitly, but the subtext is there.
ugh
My cousin, Laura, is the oldest of 5 kids and has a huge extended but close knit family in the Los Angeles area.
Her husband, Frank, has 7 or 8 siblings and a huge extended but close knit family in Hawaii.
When Laura and Frank got engaged, they were living in Hawaii.
When they started pricing a wedding either in Hawaii or Los Angeles they quickly realized that a large enough wedding to include both families was simply outside of their budget. And they knew if they really cut the list down to just immediate family, there would be lots of upset aunts, uncles, and cousins.
So they went to the courthouse and got married with her best friend and his best friend as witnesses.
Then they sent a lovely wedding announcement to everyone announcing their happy news.
I thought it was lovely and a smart way to do things. They were able to get married without going bankrupt. Then they were able to include everyone in the happy news at the same time by mailing out the wedding announcement.
I don’t know about Frank’s family, but people in my family still complain about it.
“I just can’t believe Laura ran off and got married without even inviting her own mother!”
Ummmm, she did that more than 15 years ago. I think we can let a Thanksgiving pass without passive aggressively bringing it up when her 4 kids are playing 10 feet away.
An announcement AFTER the wedding is the way to go. And no need to mention money or your lavish honeymoon.
I bet the people still complaining are the same ones who would have been mortally offended if Laura and Frank had a standard wedding, and they weren’t invited because of budgetary constraints. I think your cousin and her husband did this just perfectly!
I have an admittedly snarky and sarcastic sense of humor, and I didn’t find this even the slightest bit humorous. Even if it’s supposed to be some sort of inside joke, it still reads pretty crassly: “You’re not invited to our wedding because we prioritized our vacation, but we’d love it if you sent us gifts!”
I’m so numb to bad wedding etiquette now, that I’m getting really worked up about the terrible font choices instead.
Me too! I figure it is because any other font cost extra!
Sounds like a clear way to say hey we got married but it wasn’t really a big ceremony but we would still like you to send gifts despite not being invited or present. Please send gifts now to us out of obligation we want gifts gimme gimme. It’s your way of saying congrats to us for getting married without actually being invited to any sort of ceremony or event. Help us pay back for the vacation we just paid for by sending us cash. I mean the poor couple paid for their own vacation despite getting married why won’t people just give them gifts and cash so they make up the difference that they paid out for the trip ?!(shaking my head in embarassment)
Just wanted to add to my comment that even though they didn’t directly ask for gifts or say “send gifts” it seems undertoned that they were implying or hinting they would openly accept them by informing everyone via mail with their mailing address that they got married. They could have easily informed people via Facebook/phone calls etc sending out non invitations directly implies they want people to know they were getting married so, you know, in case people were feeling generous.
I would be happy to think of them on their big day. They should not expect a present from me, however, as they chose not to invite me to their wedding.
I wonder if the person receiving this could have sent the happy couple a note letting them know that they were indeed “thinking of them” but not actually sending them something because they were putting every penny towards their dream vacation in Greece.
That’s perfect.
Well, it’s not MY sense of humour, but I can see it’s supposed to be a humorous way of saying, “We are getting married, but not having a big party” and it’s a “know your audience” kind of thing. (Sounds as though they also may have failed at knowing their audience, because obviously people were offended).
Perhaps they were pressured by people expecting them to have a big wedding and invite everyone under the sun. And if someone told ME they were getting married and only having an intimate affair with family, I would not be offended. I’d assume this meant immediate family (mother, father, sibling, perhaps one very best friend) and if I was not on that kind of level with them I’d not be offended at all.
In fact, I might even be relieved at not having to give up a perfectly nice summer weekend and spend money I don’t have on a gift.
Know Your Audience. Great for your very best friends with whom you’ve had many conversations about this kind of thing, know how you feel about weddings, and will get the joke. Not great for Aunt Leonore, whom you haven’t seen in years and definitely won’t see the humor.
There is nothing wrong with sending out proper marriage announcements after the fact. No need to get cute about it.
The couple should have sent a wedding announcement after the ceremony. They might still have received gifts
I would say, while those who ‘really know’ the happy couple who had this printed ‘know’ it was funny, obviously the happy couple did not know all the non-guests to whom they sent this.