I recently got married. It was the most amazing day anyone could ever ask for. Perfect groom, parents, friends and family… MOH on the other hand was a different story.
Because my family is so big, I did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I had decided to ask my closest friends to be in the bridal party. But before I asked them, my mother begged me to put at least one family member in my party just to keep the peace. Reluctantly, I agreed. Because I knew my closest friend whom I was going to ask was going through some personal stuff, I asked my cousin to be my MOH. At the time i thought it would be a great idea b/c we all grew up together and were pretty close (although in the last 2 years we drifted). She, of course, was really happy to step up.
Since my MOH and other 3 friends did not know each other, we had a meet and greet luncheon. Everyone got along with everyone and I was really happy. We talked about ideas etc… By no means was I ever a Bridezilla or even half of one. Throughout the whole planning process, I was very easy going. I told them from the get-go, I’m not expecting anything from anyone, just show up to rehearsal and my house on the day off on time (this comes into play later).
As for their dresses, I say that I don’t care what they wear as long as it’s the same colour/style. I let them agree on it (easy going right?!). Well, that’s when the nightmare starts. My MOH doesn’t want this style or that style and she’s giving the other 3 girls a hard time. A BM can’t take it anymore and lets me know. So I send out a mass email to see what’s going on and MOH starts saying that as a MOH, she has the right to choose whatever style she wants to separate herself from the other girls. I can’t believe what I’m reading so I finally respond by saying, “If you ladies can’t decide, Im going to decide for you.” So a week later we head out. I find gorgeous floor length halter dress (thin straps that you tie at the neck as opposed to the thicker style that you actually have to put your head through) that would go with all their body types. The other 3 are happy with it. MOH makes a face, but doesn’t say anything. They try it on and it looks amazing on them. Later I call MOH and let her know I saw she wasn’t too pleased with it. Her answer? “Nothing really. It’s a beautiful dress, but I’m not sure I can wear it as I get crazy migraines when I wear anything halter”. LIES! This girl had just posted a pic on Facebook of her and a gf at a club with her wearing the exact same halter style shirt. At this point, I’m furious and I tell her that while I’m sorry she gets migraines wearing halters, I’m not changing the style as everyone else is happy. Again she tries the whole angle with I’m the MOH I should wear a different dress from the other girls. I was firm in my decision and she finally said, “Fine”.
Leading up to the months of my wedding, the other 3 girls are calling constantly asking if I need help etc.. VERY sweet, but I had everything under control. Fine.. great! MOH never calls once.
BMs plan my Bachelorette party without telling me details. I show up to the meeting place and everyone is there EXCEPT MOH. I ask where she is and they say she had another commitment. I could tell they didn’t want to say, so I just left it at that. We had an amazing time. Next day I find out that yes she had another commitment alright. It was to go drinking for her friend’s birthday. I was hurt, yes, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin what a great night my friends had planned. I later found out that they had planned my party 2 months out and gave everyone plenty time to make the day available. Out of the 15 people they invited 13 showed up. The MOH and her sister were the only ones who didn’t. –WHATEVER!
Rehearsal dinner went off without a hitch. When everyone was leaving my house, I told them to arrive the day of the wedding no later then 11am for pictures. Everyone agreed. Day of the wedding, 3 girls are there for 10am fully dressed, hair/make done ( I told them to do whatever they wanted), seeing if I needed help etc.. Photographer arrives at 10:30 and starts doing prep pics. 11am passes, no MOH…. 11:30 passes, still no MOH. I’m starting to get a bit nervous. The photographer is asking for group shots. 11:45, I call her cell phone. She had just finished getting her hair done and was on her way. She arrives at 12:15pm. Her hair? just straightened. Nothing fancy that would warrant her to be 1.15 hours late.
We do the picture thing, everything is good. Ceremony is great. We go take pictures, everything was fun. Reception gets underway. DH and I advised whoever would be giving speeches to make it no more then 5 minutes just to stick the the schedule so dinner could start. Everyone was more then happy to keep it short. I should note that MOH kept threatening me with her speech for weeks now, but i just played it off thinking she’s joking. Well, MOH gets up and starts talking and talking, which is fine, till she brings up a very personal story from our childhood that is not meant for a crowd of 150 guests. Very inappropriate and I just about wanted to kill her. There were priests sitting there and if we could hear a pin drop we would. My parents were fuming and just shook their head over at her parents who knew it was wrong. After she was done, she thought she did a marvelous job. She asked, “Did you like it?” I said No! it was rude and inappropriate. She saw I was in near tears and just sat there and pretended I didn’t say it.
The rest of the wedding was beautiful, and no complaints as she was far away from me after dinner doing what she does best…drink! I’m by no way malicious or mean, but if the day ever comes if she get’s married, I’m going to make sure she get’s embarrassed the way she made me feel on my special day. Needless to say, our relationship has never been the same. 0814-09
Sooo, you are already plotting your revenge by becoming and doing exactly what you claimed to despise?
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When one uses the word ‘whatever’ as a response to a situation it says something about them that they may not have intended to say. ‘Whatever’ says you are young (or immature) and uncultured – two things which your final paragraph confirms.
Give her a break – she’s only just had this happen at her wedding day. She’s been hurt, let down and humiliated in public. given how sweet she is throughout the rest of this story, this sounds like an angry little outburst or frustration that she would never follow through.
And calling someone immature and uncultured is really rude. Even Shakespeare used the phrase ‘whatever’, so it’s silly as well.
It also says that you don’t really care about anything or anyone except in the way they affect your own little world (i.e., you).
And that’s why you shouldn’t trust family! Yikes!
Will embarrassing her on her wedding day make you feel better? It’s too bad she made a bad speech, but I don’t think plotting revenge on her is a good idea.
There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘whatever’. It’s a perfectly standard colloqualism (although admittedly one used by the younger generation). And I think, given the MOH’s disgraceful, selfish behaviour, responding with ‘whatever’ is not only acceptable, but quite restrained. I would have said something worse (and I speak as a middle-aged, cultured English graduate).
I looks like the MOH wanted a different dress to signify her status as MOH, and when she didn’t get it, took offense. Not that it in any way justifies her awful behavior. But looking backwards, maybe that all could have been prevented if the bride had compromised and allowed her to choose a different style in the same color/fabric that would set her apart. I’ve seen some georgous weddings in which the attendants wore different styles of the same color and fabric and it didn’t take away from it at all.
But again, no justification for the rudeness.
There’s a lot to be said for “Don’t get even, get ON!” Meaning don’t continue nursing that anger and urge for revenge that takes over your life. Get on with your life and move on.
If said woman ever does marry what good is it going to do by trying to humiliate her? All the writer is going to do is make herself appear as a nasty person.
It’s only going to make the situation worse and it’s not going to make the anger or desire for revenge go away. You’re going to have the same feelings, a hurt person and a bunch of people thinking what you did is really spiteful.
You have to ask yourself is it worth it?
Pixie: I don’t think that this is a warning against family per se, but it sure is a warning to be careful in choosing a Maid of Honour!
Also, the wrath and the desire for revenge can eat you up. Remaining hung up on things that someone did to you, can be a real energy drainer. It’s healthier to move on and remember that living well is always the best revenge.
As far as I can see there are two possibilities: either you decide that she meant harm and you cut her off, and don’t waste another second of your life on thoughts about her; or you decide that she is just a doozy and chalk it up to cluelessness, and forgive. But please don’t waste time and energy dwelling upon it. Life is truely too short for that. Focus on the good things about your wedding, and on your newly married life, and on the people who love you!
The thought that kept coming to mind as I read this horror story is: Why didn’t you just fire this maid of no honor’s a_ s? The strong warning signs seemed to appear early enough that the opportunity was there to replace her. I know that’s easier said than done & it’s always a life long lesson for me to learn to trust my gut. Your desire to “get her back” by doing unto her as she did unto you stuck out like a big red flag. If you are that easy going you will know that mirroring her behavior is as unnacceptable as her action’s were with regard to you & your wedding. “A resentment is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to die” God I’ve guzzled way to much poison like this & my wish for you is that you don’t do the same. Besides. this maid of no honor is also no fool ~ she’ll never give you the opportunity to reciprocate. I’m sorry this happened though. When someone behaves like this I just try to remember: It sucks to be her! She likely has years of ahead of her before her drinking problem is finally evident to her. She likely come’s by it honestly though because alcoholism is hereditary. It would be good for both of you if you just said a prayer for her now & then. Your health, marriage , your true friends & your immediate family are what matters now. Peace XX
1. The best revenge is living well. Be thankful you have good friends and if for some reason this cousin asks you to be in her wedding party, politely decline. The rest of your guests already have a lowered opinion of her for her little story; you’ll just make yourself look petty and vindictive (and just as immature) if you try to strike back.
2. I’ve never heard of the MoH wearing a special dress. Yes, it’s nice when the bride lets the bridesmaids wear their own styles in the same colour, but this bride wanted everyone in the same style. Demanding you be the only one who shouldn’t have to conform is rude. When you agree to be a BM, nevermind a MoH, you’re agreeing to wear whatever it is the bride wants you in. Personally I don’t think this MoH did anything to deserve being singled out as special with a unique dress.
3. The problem with “whatever” is that people use it to imply they don’t care either way, but people tend to ONLY use it when they very much do care. I’ve almost never heard it said in a way which wasn’t passive-aggressive. I don’t think it’s something to fixate on when someone’s been hurt, though, and I certainly do not think it makes you “uncultured”!
The phrase “if she ever gets married” leads me to believe that the MOH isn’t in a long term relationship right now. Meaning, it will likely be at least a year or more before she gets married herself. I know that every bride thinks that she’s special but in reality, no one is going to remember the exact speech from this wedding… until the bride brings it up again. Then she is going to look very petty.
If I had been her, at the sign that MOH didn’t want to do what bride wanted her to do, I would have excused her from giving a speech. I wouldn’t have trusted her.
I don’t see how saying “Whatever” once makes a person immature and uncultured. I say it occasionally, and I’m 35 with a Master’s degree. Sometimes, the situation just calls for a good “Whatever!”
I do think, though, that the LW needs to let this one go. Her cousin made everyone uncomfortable at the wedding. That’s a reflection on the cousin, not the LW. Rising above it will reflect well on the LW.
I gotta say, I think the author was a little too controlling about the dress. She claims to be very easy-going and relaxed about what the bridesmaids wear, but then goes on to choose having perfect dress unity instead of keeping the peace with her stubborn MOH. Would it really have been such a big deal to have the MOH in a different dress style?
That being said, the MOH behaved abhorrently, and I’m not sure why the bride let her stay on so long. That being said, embarrassing her cousin in return is petty; although I can’t blame her for feeling that way, especially if the wound is fresh.
Interesting! Here in Australia, the MOH is usually a married female friend while the bridesmaids are single girlfriends. Different countries, different protocols. If there are any other Aussies in here, am I wrong or have wedding protocols changed dramatically since I was married?
Next, the saying of “whatever” acts as a signal to me that the person either couldn’t be bothered with the subject any more and refuses to listen to something another person has to say. Actually, I consider it rather rude and very arrogant.
Would you even want to be a part of her special day……perhaps you have a drinking party of your own to attend that day
I think it’s both natural, healthy and graceful to refuse to be bothered by other people’s rudeness – which is the context in which the word “whatever” was used above.
In Canada if the MOH is married, she is the Matron of Honour, if she is unmarried, she is the Maid of Honour.
I think the bride will rethink the situation and will feel quite differently in a few weeks. She is still hurt from the series of unco-operative conduct, non-attendance at the bachelor party, punctuality on the wedding day, rude and inappropriate speech.
My daughter fired an MOH like that about one month before the wedding. Our bride here did not have that luxury because her MOH from hell was a family member.
Hope the above helps!
I think she SHOULD have fired her over the dress issue. That was enough.
I highly doubt you’ll be invited to be her MOH, so don’t waste time plotting revenge that won’t happen
Am I ever glad that I don’t have an addiction to doing what I’m “supposed to do.” No bridesmaids, no maids of honor, no bachelorette party.
And no several thousand dollars. Yet somehow (and how could this be?) I have two families that love me.
Jan – Elizabeth Bunting is right. If the ‘first bridesmaid’ is married, she’s matron, if not she’s maid. Although some women may not like being called a ‘matron’ with its connotations of age and nursing.
Hellbound Alleee – I’m with you. A wedding is not a theatre performance for invited guests, it’s a celebration of love and a witnessing of a declaration of love and commitment. So glad that in Australia we don’t tend to go to nearly as much fuss!
I’m really kind of baffled that so many people are blaming/criticizing the letter-writer.
The MOH never showed one bit of concern for the bride – her blood relative – and then had the nerve to make a very inappropriate speech thus embarrassing the bride in front of family, friends, probably co-workers, and clergymen. Even the MOH’s parents were embarrassed! I’m not going to criticize her for making off-hand comment at the very end of her story, especially so soon after the wedding. No, it wasn’t the nicest thing to say but people often say things they don’t mean when upset. People are acting like she’s sitting around plotting revenge.
And to criticize the use of the word ‘whatever’? It’s a common phrase that’s been around for decades. Both older and younger people use it. Using it does not make one immature or uncultured. Quite frankly, the fact that you think that makes you come across as a snob.
Finally, saying that the bride should have been more flexible with the dresses? She was flexible but the MOH refused to cooperate so she was forced to take action. If the MOH wants to distinguish between the MOH and the other bridesmaids, then let her do it at HER wedding. It’s very common to have the entire wedding party match. Some may not agree with that but it’s not an unreasonable request. I agree with the bride’s decision to stick to her guns and not let her cousin dictate to her.
The only mistake I see that the bride made was giving in to her mother. It was a fairly harmless request with bad results that no one could have foreseen. But, if the bride never wanted her in the wedding party, she should have said no.
Thanks all for your comments. I do appreciate both the negative and positive… even the ones that called me “uncultured” LOL.
It’s been 2 years since my wedding. Yes, I was angry at the time I wrote this as Priests, Co-workers and my Bosses were there. I just didn’t want something I did way back in the day when I was young and stupid come back to haunt me on one of the biggest days of my life. I could not have fired her as she was blood, and that would start a huge family problem, and that’s something I would not want over my head so close to the wedding. What bride or groom would want awkwardness at their wedding?
But since then, i’ve let it all go. It’s not worth it for me to stew over. My DH edited the video and cut “that part” out of her speech. To this day, people keep telling us how wonderful our day was. So I’m glad no one remembered her speech.
I have the most amazing life, and couldn’t ask for a better one. We are happy! I only see her now 2-3 times a year at family events. Nothing has changed with her. I don’t go out of my way for her, but I’m not nasty either. I say hi and make small talk. But since then, I have not invited her into my personal life as I feel she does not deserve to be. She lost that priveledge when she broke my confidence.
Thanks again all!
I choose to look at the last paragraph of this story as the bride saying that when this cousin gets married, she will behave appropriately and even be helpful and kind, thus emphasizing what a negative influence on her own wedding the MOH was. MOH will realize this, and become wholely embarrassed by her previous behaviour. Doesn’t that sound much better than acting maliciously in an attempt to hurt?
The MoH does not have to stand out if the bride does not want her to. Good that you (the bride) did not let her have her way. You could just have given in to her, but then she might have demanded something else. If someone is being a jerk and wants to be the center of attention, the only way not to let her have her way is to stand your ground.
I understand your frustration, but don’t let it make you what peeved you about her. I am sure you’ll behave yourself if and when she is getting married.
I don’t understand why people consider “whatever” immature, rude, uncultured, or anything else. Here in USA, lot of people use it as a figure of speech when they are actually bothered by something but cannot do anything about it – like in the case of the bride, her MoH and MoH’s sister not attending her shower bothered her, but she just accepted it as a fact as she cannot do anything about it. I don’t see anything rude or uncultured about her. It is rude when someone says “whatever” just to end a discussion with someone, but that is not the case here.
I was with you until you got to the foolishness about sinking to her level just to get her back. The appropriate response would be, if she invites you to any wedding she may have, to RSVP your regrets. No one could blame you for cutting her from your life. Everyone will blame you if you become as much a boor as she did.
Incidentally, to the other commenters, I don’t know why you have a problem with anyone’s wording as long as it isn’t profane. I feel there may be an age gap, here. People my age (I’ll turn 26 tomorrow) often say “Whatever,” to express mild disapproval. It’s synonymous with the slightly sarcastic “Fine,” or more colorful terms such as “Peachy,” and “Keen,” that were popular in previous decades. I don’t use it much, myself, but it doesn’t bother me because it’s not foul or rude or even immature. It’s just a generational colloquialism.
Can you dig it, boomers? Groovy.
I’m in my late sixties and have a degree. I have no objection at all to the occasional use of the word “whatever”. It gets the point across and it isn’t profane in any way. In fact, I occasionally use it myself. So it isn’t necessarily ‘generational’. It’s just a succinct way of saying “In the long run, this is really relatively insignificant even though it’s annoying right now.”
I agree with the other posters. If and when she should ever get married you should either go and behave yourself in an appropriately mature and dignified manner or choose NOT to attend at all. I know that you wouldn’t really get revenge by stooping to her level. You’ve made quite clear that you wouldn’t.
But it was fun for awhile to IMAGINE doing that! It’s okay (and perfectly healthy) as long as you don’t actually carry through, and we’re all sure you wouldn’t. 😉
Well, there’s no doubt that your MOH behaved badly. You know it, your BM’s know it, your guests know it, your whole family knows it, we know it. She probably knows it. And it reflects badly on her, not you, (though some guests may have wondered why you didn’t kick her out of the WP, but I digress). The person she has embarrassed most is herself, displaying a distinct lack of class and sense.
So I would say that should her wedding ever come up, go to the wedding and be absolutely charming. That will make her behaviour look a hundred times worse than you descending to her level.
I am afraid to say that I got even with my sister. When I was 11 I had one of those password jounarls. My password was the boys name who i had a crush on. My little sister and my mother came to pick me up from art class one day. We were going on vacation and they had the car all pack. Last day of school before Spring break and I was leaving about an hour early. My mom had my carry on with her so i could check and see if anything was missing as we would need to know if i had to stop by the house beofre leaving. My dad had the car and went to get the gas station to get snack for the road because the airport we were going to was several hours car ride away. My little sister(7a at thir point) shows that she brought my diary and say she put a special picture in it for me.(They have sucky voice recognition. I liked it because of the glowing ink.) I say I will look at it later. So she proceeds to open it right there. In front of said crush. The ‘picture’ was actually her misspelled note saying she KNEW that my crush was in that class. That she PURPOSLY embarassed me. So several weeks later i got my revenge. I went to her class and told an embarassing story on front of this snobby girl she wanted to impress and her crush. I feel bad about this now i am older and should have not stooped that low.
@ Tori – never mind, we all do silly, childish things when we’re 11. Especially if our sister is being really annoying. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and grow into a better person – which you have done 🙂
I know one thing for sure, I’ m never trying to post any stories on this site. Every single post I read, the OP has legitimate frustrations and issues, but then gets dogpiled in comments- for what? Posting about bad etiquette on a site about bad etiquette?
It is just plain unkind to condemn this girl as a immature and self-centered person for being fed-up with and hurt by someone she trusted to be there for her on her wedding day.
I’m shocked at how many people are saying the entitled little witch should have gotten her way with the separate dress. The OP didn’t even get INVOLVED until the bridesmaids had to ask for her intervention due to the MOH’s tantrums. Here’s exactly how that conversation SHOULD have gone:
B2B: “I would like the MOH to wear the same style as the BMs.”
The end. That the MOH would DARE to argue with the B2B about it is flat out wrong on the MOH’s part. The B2B wasn’t asking for much of her BM’s, and the MOH couldn’t agree to ONE single concession. I get that as family, and the fact that the MOH was made the MOH as a favor to Mom, it was hard to “fire” her. But this does NOT mean the OP’s other option should have been to bend over. The very same posters on here that claim that she should have let the MOH have her way would no doubt be calling the OP a “spineless doormat” and telling her it was all her fault if she had.
Why is it consistently so hard for the posters on here to direct their vitriol at the appropriate target? The MOH is the monster here, not the victim.