Tag: Open Mouth Insert Foot

Hi have a question for you where I don’t know if me and my husband were in the wrong or my SIL is overly sensitive/self centered.

I gave birth to my second child a couple of days ago, two weeks before the due date. Everything went incredibly fast and we only had time to tell a handful of people that we were on our way to the hospital (my parents, my husband’s parents and the sitter that was going to take care of child no. 1 while I was in labour). Everything went well and we had a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Of course, after the delivery we began sharing the news with family and friends, starting with those closest to us. I informed “my side” of the family while DH started on his. My husband called his parents who unfortunately did not pick up, but he left a message. He then continued by texting his aunt, and before he got around to inform anyone else he got a text from his sister that “I hear rumors from (aunt) that the baby has arrived, thanks for letting me know”. DH were left a bit perplex because he was just then in the process of contacting his sister, and a bit unhappy that his aunt had spilled the beans on our behalf.

The day after, my SIL called her brother and was unhappy that aunt D was given the news before her. DH tried to explain that the notification time between her and aunt D was literally one minute (which can be proven by looking at time stamps on the phone calls and text messages involved). She accused him of lying and deliberately shutting her out. Nothing more came of that conversation.

My problem with this is two things – First of all, I very much dislike that other family members take it upon themselves to spread such information, unless explicitly told to pass it on on our behalf. (I must add that NO social media announcement had been made at this point, so I didn’t consider it public knowledge that the baby had arrived). But the aunt in question is a bit old and although she means no harm she doesn’t always think things through. I have chalked it up to a unfortunate slip om her behalf.

Second, my biggest issue is this – I think my SIL is acting bratty and rude when she apparently is offended that she was not “higher up on the list of people informed” and accused my husband of lying to her when he tried to explain what actually went down. She even said after his explanation that she don’t know who to believe and she don’t like being lied to. What’s to believe or not?? She was in the group of people that we prioritized to tell first, but someone beat us to it.. Get over yourself and accept that our first priority is to inform those closest to us about the baby’s arrival and not necessarily dwell too long on who is higher in the family hierarchy and thus must be treated this way.
Am I wrong? Should we have handled this differently?

I must add that SIL often creates this type of drama and it has really started to rub me the wrong way so I just might be a bit biased in my judgement of her behavior, but the bottom line is that she is not at all the focal point of this happening, she would have been informed promptly when things had settled down (so no deliberate shunning or otherwise “keeping her out” on our part), and I think that she should really get over herself and not make a fuss over the fact that “aunt x was told before me and I feel overlooked”.

Or she could just be the bigger person and let it go because me and DH just went through this big ordeal and this is not the time to create drama over nothing.

Any thoughts? 0823-18

There are situations in life where you just want to roll your eyes and insist that certain people get over it.    SIL is a drama queen who turns the focus of a new family member into being all about her not getting an exclusive update.   Sheesh,  get over it, SIL!  In the grand scheme of life this is so petty to waste emotions and time over.

And Aunt Blabbermouth races to share news that isn’t hers, even beating out the father of the baby.   If you are one of those people who immediately shares dramatic news you’ve just discovered, be it either a happy event like the birth of a child or a sad one like the unexpected death,  you should carefully examine why you feel the need to share that information when you are likely not the original “owner” of that information.   I’ve seen too many situations where a death is announced prematurely on social media by people who are not closely connected to the deceased.

New information has an “owner”, in this case it was the OP and her husband as the new parents.   They “loan” out the information to others who should be asking, “Can I share this?” , or , “Is this to be kept private for a little while?”   It is wrong to assume you “own” someone else’s news announcement and can circumvent how and when they want that news to be distributed.  It won’t kill you to wait to say anything.   In fact, I relish in the secrecy that I am one of the few who knows the whole story.

Dear OP, the only thing I might have done differently was to wait until you reached Husband’s parents with the news before moving on to other people.   It’s a small courtesy considering that they were one of the very few who knew you were heading to the hospital but not a big faux pas to beat yourself about.

I am almost thirty-seven weeks pregnant with my second child. I’ve only gained about twenty-five lbs and I’m still very active with volunteer projects at my church and other organizations. I admit to an ungainly waddle… but what pregnant woman doesn’t waddle? However, I don’t lay around and let it keep me down.

I recently finished teaching at a week long Bible study at my church. A gentleman (using the term loosely) there is known for being a good person but spectacularly rude and obnoxious in his comments to others. I feel that this one took the proverbial cake.

Passing him the hallway I made the typical, polite banter about it being a long week, etc. This man calls me back with a, “Hey, c’mere… somebody was saying that instead of building a prop airplane (for the Bible study theme) that you coulda been the blimp!” He then looks at me expectantly, I suppose waiting for guffaws of laughter.

Instead, he got a derisive look and a dry, “Wow, that wasn’t nice.” I just walked away.

This was not the first rude or ugly comment he’s made to me or others but this was the first comment about my physical person.

I guess I just wanted to share as a caveat to others… pregnancy does not give you the right to comment on a woman’s body (or to touch it, but that’s another story altogether!). We know we are round and ungainly but we are excited to be pregnant with a beloved child and if you can’t say something nice, then keep your mouth shut.

Argh. 0616-12

 

Don’t call Ashley Judd “sweetheart” for that matter either.

In A Facebook Live video, Ashley Judd explains the situation she was placed in and how she responded. Note the comments in the thread that aren’t exactly supportive of her being offended.

“This is the kind of thing to me that happens which I categorize as everyday sexism. And it is so easy to let it go and not to speak up, particularly when it is so easy for someone to push back and say, ‘Oh, I was just being polite.’ So I was coming through security and a guy said ‘Hey sweetheart,’ and I said, ‘I’m not your sweetheart, I am your client.’ So I was already setting a boundary.”

I am of the opinion that service providers need to treat clients in a respectful and professional manner that is consistently applied regardless of the gender of the client being served.   I don’t consider it a compliment for a stranger to refer to me with a term of endearment reserved solely for my husband or my immediate family to use.   It crosses the boundary into being too familiar, it’s not an appropriate term of address for a client/vendor relationship and coming from a stranger, it appears to be flirting.   Women should not have to defend their reasons why they prefer to be treated in a professional manner by employees and service providers.

The caveat to this are people who use these terms of address for everyone.  Years ago I shopped at a Southern States Farm Co-op store in Creedmoor, NC where the elderly female  cashier referred to everyone, and I mean everyone… young, old, black, white, male, female… as “Precious”.    It didn’t matter who you were, your name was “Precious”.   It was a little surprising at first to be called that…until I realized the big, burly farmers wearing overalls and sporting beards were also being called “Precious”.   It became rather endearing.

I had my own Ashley Judd moment decades ago when I was the client interacting with an older male salesman who kept referring to me as “sweetheart” or other terms of endearment typical of what a father would say to his daughter. His patronizing familiarity was undoubtedly a learned habit because he was truly stunned when I informed him of the reason why I would no longer do business with his company and was shifting business to his competitor.   To men of his generation, his behavior was seen as complimentary to a woman whereas to have behaved similarly with a male client would have been unheard of.    Sorry,  I’m here to conduct business in as a professional manner as possible and I expect to be treated like the male customers.

Do you want to edify your clients and customers?   Smile pleasantly to everyone, do your job professionally, ask pleasantly how their day has gone, and wish them a good day.  That’s enough of a compliment for me.

My husband is a big guy. He’s 6’6. More than one stranger has asked him if he is a former NFL player. (He is not.)

My husband and I work for the same company, but in different departments. While I was at work (my husband had taken the day off, so he was not there), a man who we both know who does not work for the company but who we have contact with frequently (due to the nature of our jobs) said to me completely out of the blue, “What have you been feeding your husband? He’s eating good.” I just stared at him until he continued, “He needs to work out more.” I then gave him a tight smile and walked away, appalled.

I probably should have said something, like, “Actually, according to his doctor, his body fat percentage is a lot lower than what you would expect for a man of his size. And he works out at the gym 5-6 days a week, weightlifting for 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours on some days and doing cardio on the others. The guys at the gym are trying to get him to do the power lifting competition, as he can lift, shrug and bench press massive amounts of weight. He’s built like his grandfather who lived to be 89. So, please mind your own business. And please stop implying that I’m pumping him full of fatty foods like a farm animal.” I was so, so angry. Why on earth would you think it’s appropriate to tell someone that his/her spouse is fat and that s/he needs to work out more? 0206-17

There are times in life where the comments and opinions of people not worth living in your brain and heart should be ignored.   It’s like you know the truth and it’s a secret you gleefully keep from them because it really is none of their business to know anything at all.   There are times I chuckle to myself thinking,  “You keep right on believing that, Miss Rude Person.  I know better and the truth is so much more interesting.”

I did have a somewhat similar experience in the wellness center locker room last week.   A total stranger asked me as I was preparing to leave if what I was wearing was a mumu.  I answered that yes, it was but that native Hawaiians call it a “mu’umu’u”.   She promptly replied, “Well, if you did some hula you would lose that fat.”    I paused for a moment and replied, “Snowbird Bento was the first runner up in the 2001 Miss Aloha Hula competition (the “olympics” of hula) having lost the title by one point, she is a well respected kumu (teacher) hula and she was and is a quite large woman.  Much larger than me.”   Silence.

It was astonishing to me that a stranger felt compelled to comment about my need for a specific exercise after I had just spent over an hour exercising.   I wasn’t about to go into a litany of every exercise I do six days a week so that she could feel justified in being a nosey busybody.